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1
1
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Leger

I found your title under Short Stories and it sounded like something I'd like to read. And it was. It's very good. It caught and held my interest, the tension is tight and the imagery is perfect. I wonder about one thing only. The last para.

But no, as I bear down on it, it looms up over the hood and shoots right toward the windshield. My mouth is wide open in silent horror. I brace my arms on the steering wheel. As the animal comes within inches of contact with the windshield,


I don't know if I can explain what I feel, but I'll try. The tension is fast and sharp until I read "But no," That was the first bump, {shoots RIGHT toward) and the repeat of windshield were the next two. I brace my arms on the steering wheel sounded too repetitious since reference to the steering wheel has been mentioned several times already. I can still clearly see the white knuckles from other paras-reminders aren't really needed. The pace slowed for me in this last para.

I wonder if a couple of words were taken out just to tighten up that last para., it would hold the tension till the end?

Here too, maybe a word can be cut and still say the same thing?
(between my two hands)

The story is moving along fast and furious. The tension is built wonderfully, and the story is good. I honestly enjoyed reading it.

I hope this helps you in some way.

esprit
2
2
Review of Greater Good  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Nicholas

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

I would appreciate any form of review

I do enjoy a good ghost story, and I think the ideas in this one are good. I'm just going to mention a few things to think about.

Spencer walked into the bathroom where his girlfriend; Stacy, was showering.
After he closed the door and started to brush his teeth, Stacy screamed.

I suggest cutting the red area. It makes the line read awkwardly and it isn't necessary for the scene. It isn't important to show the door is closed.

Spencer could still hear his girlfriend moving around

I'm wondering why he didn't hurry to her to see what was the matter.

He decided to just join her in the shower and started to take off his clothes.

Be aware of how you want the character to be perceived by your readers. Is he a callus man or a thoughtful, protective boyfriend. How can he think of joining her until he finds out why she screamed? Brute.

When he got in the shower he noticed Stacy was sitting down
As Spencer got closer to Stacy, she looked up

Look at this scene through a reader's eyes. As soon as he opened the curtain or door, he should have seen her. He wouldn't have to move closer to notice where she was sitting or even to touch her. How large is the tub? Keep the scenes realistic and the tension will build up for the readers.

His fall stopped abruptly and even though he was in spirit, it still hurt.

A good line. It made me laugh and see it.

hospital his body had been sent to after the accident.
It was the room he had been recovering in after the crash.

It isn't clear if he died on the street or at the hospital. It matters.

He sped up his walking speed, trying to catch his body.

Another great line!

The idea is good. It's wordy, but they always are until the rewriting starts. It's going to be good one.





esprit
3
3
Review of Toothpaste  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi,
I found your request on "Please Review" 

This is a good five para (first page) opening. It shows the main character as he usually is, and it introduces a mystery quickly. Things are about to change for him. Good job. The only drawback is not knowing his name at once. If the first word was changed to 'Max' instead of 'He', readers would know.
The lines are a bit choppy. When you rewrite experiment with combining a few with commas to keep it flowing.

The scene is clearly visual--good.

Trish was naked. Even eight years ago that bundle on his mother's lap had been a blur. With Trish I suggest removing the bolded phrase because it interupts the the line of thought. The next line shows her condition so it doesn't have to be 'told' a second time, the readers can see her.

Even eight years ago

So he is grown now? I imagined him in high school. I wonder if a bit more of his current status (age, job) would show him as he is now. The jump from the opening to the second page is pretty drastic. Confusing.

Okay, his age is revealed later, but I think it could be told earlier.

Trish

Trish appears too young for him. She's a curious teen-ager wanting to solve a mystery. I suggest working on her character since she has an important role.

Umm, so Trish was simply the lever needed to get him to move. Okay. You won't need to delve deeper into her character then.

out wearing an oversized T- shirt over cutoffs.

Repeating words so closely draws attention to them and pulls the readers from the scene. You could remove the second 'over' easily. --'and cutoffs'-- would work.

"You calling or going?" Trish asked. Max knew what she though.

Spelling--
'thought'.

Except in Max's vision, for a split second, she hurrying the kids to school.

Always read the work several times to find missing words, errors, and things that can be cut out. You will find something each time.

the guy pointed his thumb out the back doors

This line reads awkwardly. Perhaps --toward--the back door--would work for you?

"I'm in the car if you need me, I guess," she whispered again and left. Max was pretty surprised that she did that.

Good move. I was surprised too. It shows her as more intelligent than I thought.

Sylvia looked him up and down as she said this

How could she do this in the car? She's in the back seat, he's in the front? She logically could see only his head and shoulders.

dressed the way Silvia had been

Spelling is different.

"Ohh," she laughed.

This entire paragraph shows a good description. I could see it well.

And if she hadn't had that accident with her outfit and that bottle of mouthwash, the one that also stained the rug, she would have already been gone.

Where did this come from? When? Why didn't the reader know of it earlier?

Going to backstory at the end was a bit confusing and I wondered why it was needed. The story doesn't need the mouthwash reference at all, does it? It doesn't help with the story and doesn't explain anything that happened. It's an unimportant detail that does nothing, IMO. How did he know she damaged her outfit? Details and events must have purpose and lead to other purposes that keeps a story interesting.

He was Lane's nephew,

This fellow has no interest in the story and does nothing to move it forward.

In the same vein, the other Max is only needed to answer the door and taking the car. Mom could answer the door and have the same affect. The snake isn't adding either. Having an identical name doesn't add to the character. What is the purpose? I think it's all trying to show the indifference of Mother, but that is being done quite well in other areas. Extra stuff only adds words.

As he asked for a ride to the bus station,


This is not a good scene transition. Being on the street looking toward the nephew, then being back at Mom's is confusing. Needs a few more details to tie it together.

It wasn't the other Max who came in. As far as this Max was concerned the toupe

This doesn't read smoothly. 'this Max' is a little confusing. I like the first bolded line, it fits in well. Both lines are good, but when reading the two lines together, they don't work. A little rewriting is needed to let them flow smoothly. Or simply change the 'other' Max's name.

"Is that right? He is cool now? He is done with the death threats and all that s***?" Lane had turned back to him now.

Reading this last 'now', brought all the other 'now's' to my attention. There are too many too close together. I suggest cutting this last one.

But quiet possibly he had not been qualified to judge

Spelling is --quite--

judge her on that account at the age of nine.

This phrase seems extra to me. It's not needed for the line to be clear and only adds wordiness. I do appreciate knowing his age at the time though, it helps. Maybe that can be added in another place?

"You take care of yourself."

His father winced at his mother's voice. Max was sure he couldn't see her.

Mother said the first line? Was she speaking to Max or Dad? Who couldn't see her--Max or Dad?

This is a good story. It was interesting and the scenes were pretty good although it does need a rewrite to get it tight and shiny. There's wordiness scattered throughout that stalls the flow of the story. Keep reading it and remember that the first writing is a draft only.

What happened at the end? What change did the main character go through? It isn't finished as it is now. What was Mom's danger? Her husband? Why did she leave Max and not even call him? Why is she so distant with him now? Didn't Lane recognize him at the door? It appeared he did not.

Max is holding his emotions in check realistically. The child is hurt that Mom could leave him and yearns to be with her, that's clear.
There are unanswered questions left.

You're doing a good job with it, so

Happy rewriting!





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by A Guest Visitor

by esprit
4
4
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

Welcome to WdC. I found your poem in the side 'Read a Newbie' column, and noticed it was included in your published book. I found this in your port. I visited your web site and you've some good promotion going on. I agree with the statements of reviewers I found there--this excerpt is good and if the book is as well written, it deserves to be published.

The only issue I found was the lack of white space to separate the paragraphs, I assume the published version was edited to include them.

The emotion is wonderfully real. The father's stoic face and the scrambling boy is shown very well. The topic is clear, leaving no questions as to what and why--good job!

It's unusual for a published book to be posted for feedback--it's a little late for suggestions. *Smile*
I see a talent here that I haven't seen in a long while--you're going to be successful once the work gets out.

This one is definitely a page turner.

Welcome and congratulations!

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by A Guest Visitor
5
5
Review of just me  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I really enjoyed this piece. The narration introduces the main character and shows her clearly. She has my sympathy and I'm drawn to her. It also shows what she wants most in the world. Good job!

The emotion behind the words is the hook here, it's strong and believable. I think you're writing straight from your own feelings (writing what you know) and that lets you capture the tone well. That's the way to do it.

I suggest you go into edit and make a few paragraphs so it will look nicer though. Big blocks of text puts readers off and they won't read it. Add a line between each paragraph to get some white space in there, you won't need to indent. Open up a few stories on the site and see how others do it.

This is a good first draft, I look forward to seeing where you take this character.

Well done!



esprit

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6
6
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

The idea is good, I liked it. It appears to be the prologue, because it's backstory, perhaps explaining why he's alone. You've done a good job if that's your intention. If it's actually the first chapter it's going to need some work. It's not a finished story.

I'm mentioning a few things here, but you'll want to do a proofread during the rewrite to catch spelling and word choices that need fixing.


The darkness felt massive, cutting out everything but the sound.
shaking as he saw his hands, blood.
There was nothing, no light, no feeling. Fear swam in his

How was he able to see that it was blood in such darkness?

There was nothing, no light, no feeling. Fear swam in his
flesh, the feeling that this darkness was

Clarify the difference in 'feelings'. Does the first mean physical feeling--like feeling the ground? To say there was 'no feeling', and then to say there was is confusing.

But in that void a light faintly grew from a faint glow.

These are out of order I believe. If there was a faint glow first, it was not total darkness. Try switching them to show the glow first and the growing light. Example: in that void appeared a faint glow, and the light faintly grew.

dirty blue jeans laying on the ground at his feet. His eyes ran along the room,

The word 'ground' appears several times when speaking of the 'floor'. It is distracting to make the reader think of 'outside' (because that's where ground is). The reader has to stop and check if he's still inside the room.

Sure mom!" Axel yelled, his voice echoing off the walls weakly.

Why did his voice echo weakly, while his mother's was strong? What is the reader supposed to know?

its spot taped to his mirror hanging on the wall.
The single mirror on his wall

An example of wordiness. The reader already knows the mirror is on the wall, so repeating it is not necessary. I suggest cutting the bolded--on his wall-- to make a tighter sentence.

comb, a mess of hair and grease covering its bristles.

A hair brush has 'bristles', a comb has 'teeth'.

open his door a loud creek coming from the rusted frame,

Iron door hinges will rust and creak, but a wooden 'frame' will not.

as he pushed open his door a loud creek coming from the rusted frame, the floor echoing his steps.

This scene might need another line or two. I see him standing still while pushing the door open. He isn't taking steps at the same time. Did he walk out into the hall after opening the door?

"Mom, I'm going for a walk in the woods." He yelled, his voice squeaking slightly as he spoke. Before she replayed he ducked out the window to his left, landing with a roll to the soft soil bellow.

This is the same scene as above. Is the window in the hall, or his room?

What the…” His vision suddenly went black;
his eyes felt like they are burning as they started to adjust.

As he stood there a painful echo entered his ears,

This has happened a few times making the description redundant. Perhaps it's time for a new way of saying it?

he covered his ears and dropped his face to the warm dirt.

Axel blacked out as he felt his ears grow wet with blood.
As his sight faded he was the distinct image of a red pair of eyes floating in the darkness of the trees.

He collapsed to the ground,
Axel stood staring at him for maybe a minute

Here are few examples of things done out of order. It doesn't appear that he blacked out since he still sees the eyes. Perhaps he only felt faint for a few seconds? If he did black out, place it in the line last, after his sight faded with the image.

It's a little difficult to know when he's lying on the ground and when he stands. Don't leave out the little details that makes a scene clear to the reader.

I'm only guessing it's a prologue, and prologues can't be reviewed alone. Reviewers need a first chapter to understand the plot and character. They will need to know the main character and what his problem is, and why it's important to him.

You're pretty good with the setup and suspense. The setting is eerie and clear. The description of the lava is very well done. I can see it. But do you think he should lie down so close to it?

Continue writing the story, and then seek out reviews when you're ready to begin the rewriting--that's when the story really begins to be written. Don't rush it, you're doing well.

Don't let the star rate stress you. It only applies to the stage of the writing that's on the page. This is a normal rate for a first draft. The idea is good and I think the story will be good.



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7
7
Review of Breaking Point  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

You've a strong storyline here, with most of the elements included, emotion being the most obvious. It's a good start.

I don't know where it's at draft-wise--1st, 2nd? The main points are in place and it's ready for the details to fill out the complete story.

Develop the three main characters so they come to life.

Though he was a lucky man in that there was no sign of a receding hairline, it was prematurely graying.

This line was thrown in only for description, I think. I suggest taking it out because the action is too serious and to have him thinking this at that time is unbelievable. Does he really care about his hairline? Readers won't. It distracts from the scene.

Sensing impending doom, Sara
It felt like she was a spy on a mission.
Anna watched

This is confusing as an opening scene because Sara was seen as a small child and Anna as the adult. It left me floundering and wondering what was going on.

I realize their roles may be reversed, but define who the characters are. I wondered why Sara sensed doom but was still playing spy. It seems contradictory. 'Spy' was mentioned again by Bradley--was she really pretending knowingly, as a child would? I thought she was only avoiding the sirens.

If there was a God, he would have mercy on her by not allowing anyone from school to witness her mother’s insanity. Junior high might be perfect for her if her mother didn’t continually embarrass her. The other kids thought they had it bad until they realized who gave birth to her

This reads contradictory also. Have they seen her do crazy things before or not?

“Daddy, what’s Mommy doing in the floor?” Alex asked.

This doesn't sound like a four-year old who is concerned about his mother. The four-year olds I know would hurry to her and ask her, not ask someone else. Or is the intention to show he and Mom don't have a secure relationship?

That’s funny, Sara doesn’t wear contacts,

Does anyone else in the house wear contacts? If not, would a four-year old know what they were?

Is Alex a character you can live without? He doesn't have much of a part and doesn't add to the story, except to give Mother a reason to get well. A few more moments spent with him would help.

It was much worse than it had looked.

This line needs to be clarified. A good place for more detail.

love in her eyes for the first time in years
he knew everything would be okay again

After filling in the complete story details, this ending could be believable. At this time it's too easy--too quick. If it was truly this easy, I wondered why he didn't do this long ago.

Add detail to show the mother in action. Who do you want to get the readers sympathy? Right now, I give mine to Sara because I see a troubled woman who needs help, not hatred. All I saw her do was hide from the sirens and she was pitifully thin. Anna is embarrassed as a teen would be, but to not call her mom and hope she died? No, no sympathy from me.

Does this help you see this from a reader's perspective? Readers don't know what you intend for them to feel unless it's shown clearly.

"Hey, Princess, what’s wrong?” Bradley asked. He gave her a warm hug as he joined her in the kitchen.

This is a good line. The voice is of a caring dad and the scene is loving.

He still flinched when Anna whirled around to face him with anger flashing in her eyes

Good visual and emotion!

“That woman out there.

The dialogue in this para is wonderful!

Repeating what I said in the beginning--You've a strong storyline here, with most of the elements included, emotion being the most obvious. It's a good start.

The rate is for a draft before rewriting.


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8
8
Review of You Did What ??  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie

I wanted to come by and see what genre you write in, and the brief description on this one caught my eye. Good choice!

I enjoyed the story a lot. The rage is evident and done well. The main character is clearly seen and understood as a mannerly man who is being mistreated. He had my sympathy at once, and the young whipper-snapper needs a lesson on being a human being. Good job bringing both completely opposite personalities out so well in just a few paras. It was very believable.

There are no typos or other issues to be noticed. You're a good writer!
I honestly believe this is very well done.

The typo in the story holds a great punchline and proves that we all need a good proofreader before going to print. *Delight*

Good writing!






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by A Guest Visitor



by esprit
"Invalid Item" 
9
9
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I like the theme, sci-fi is a favorite of mine. You've a creative imagination and are using it well.

There's a lot of work to do, but you've managed to get the basic storyline down. It could use more details in areas and a good proofreading.

Barry Mortimer is an adverage

Spelling is --average--

He is an quiet,
community is friendly and place where

Nothing ever extraordinary happens

Consider switching these words around to correct the structure.

when everything in Mortimer's life was turned upside down and inside out.

This is a good line. It hints at adventure to come and grabs the reader's curiosity.

of the yellow brick road to work

I advise avoiding repeating information that the reader already knows. For instance, the line before says he was walking --to work--. It doesn't need to be repeated because it only adds to wordiness, which leads to a boring read. --Mortimer walked to work-- I suggest cutting the bolded phrase in the brick road line.

As the truck rushed forwarded

--forward--
there are quite a few of these types of errors.

screeching hault

Spelling is --halt--

The attacker underestimated his combat skills and took him longer to subdue the old man.
Mortimer was hit with chloriform

Spelling is --chloroform--

a hard punch at attacker's nose.

A word is missing. --his--attacker. or --the attacker--

out of the car to helped his partner --help--

and saw the attacker and driver playing a game of monopoly.

I thought he was already unconscious by the time the driver came over. How did he know this was the driver?

making his initially plan of playing dead difficult.

--initial--

Moments later, they noticed he was awake and to join him,

A word is missing.

he wasn't the brightest of crayon in the box.

An extra word.

He shone the light into Mortimer's eye,

--eyes--he has two eyes.

He tried to intimidate and scare Mortimer, but it wasn't working.

Why wasn't Mortimer ever scared? These guys were nuts, he would be smart to be scared.

"Where is it?", he demanded. He tried to intimidate and scare Mortimer, but it wasn't working. " Where's what?", asked Mortimer. He was puzzled and wondered what they wanted and why they kidnapped him. This just made the attacker more furious. " Don't act stupid, you know what I want !", fumed the assaulter. Growing impatient, he

Each time a new speaker speaks, start a new paragraph. Don't mix them together in a paragraph.

The driver came over and grabbed his bag and reached inside and pulled out an overdue libaray book,
This engaged the attacker and threw the book at the driver's head.

How was the attacker able to throw the book at the driver? The driver was holding it. Show the attacker grabbing it from him--details are missing.

When the drive looked up he had a balck eye
He pulled out a gun, a musket.

I want to know where he was carrying this musket. What did he pull it out of? That thing is big.

How do you expect me to fix this, I don't know anything about alien technolongy?"
an old Apple computer from 1984.

I see traces of John Titor in this scenario. Do you know who I mean? *Delight*

I didn't point out all of the errors, just a few. I suggest working on the story itself. I think with details added to show what happens, the story will improve. Right now, it centers on the outcome of unseen actions, so the story isn't told. I believe the story is still in your head--let it out. After the story is written, you can go back and edit it till it shines.

Do you print your work so you can read it from paper? It's much easier to see the errors if you do. You can also find the areas that need more story added. Reading and correcting it from a monitor isn't the best way.

You're off to a good start.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

esprit

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10
10
Review of The Number A  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I liked this, it sounds smooth to my ears. Good job.

I have only one question.

The ends that I sought where means to be wrecked.

This line confuses me. I thought you might have intended to write --were--in the bolded spot, but that doesn't really work either. --means to be wrecked--I don't know what this means. I'm probably missing something quite evident. *Smile*

Static Item >> Other >> Other >>
Item Genre(s): Other

Filling in the genre boxes is pretty important to pull in readers. Many won't open an item without knowing what they'll find. I don't like to either. Another thing to consider is the lists we use to find items to read. It must have a genre to go on the lists. There's no list for Other.
Go into the edit page and fill them in, you have many choices.


Good work.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

esprit

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11
11
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

Good job! I could feel the character's emotions and I understood why he felt he had to do something, even before the reason was revealed. It's a good first draft that will become a good story by the time it's finished.

You wrote this straight from your imagination, as it came to you, right? It sounds like it, because the emotions are so realistic. Now it's time to add a few more details and more showing of his thoughts.

Read the work several times from a printed copy if you have a printer. You'll be surprised at how you'll see where to add a detail here, and change a word there when you read from paper. It really helps.

The night bike ride was peaceful until I saw a man grabbing a woman’s arms.

For instance, play around with the bolded phrase and try to find a smoother way to say this. ---the late night bike ride--=the after dark -- It doesn't need much, just a word to help out --night--

The woman yelled “Let me go”

An exclamation point would help show her anxiety and her tone of voice. --"Let me go!"

That’s when it happened.

Show what --it--is, what exactly happened. I sort of expected him to turn into something else, (the green hulk) but apparently nothing happened to him. Did his mind go blank with rage? With fear? Did the scene become the past in his mind? I know the end gives this impression, but something is needed right here. Is the character very young? Younger than his friend who is a teen-ager? If the reader had an idea of his age they would be able to see the scene and worry about the results of his actions. He did a dangerous thing, and the readers should feel the danger through tension. The readers will wonder if he was brave or stupid. His Inner thoughts will lead them in the direction you want them to go.

I shook and on reflex I put up my hand to protect myself.

This is a good tension filled scene. Wow, his wrist may be broken, and the man is filled with rage. The 'boy'? is vulnerable. What's going to happen to him now? It's a good place to end to keep the readers turning the page, but it's not a good place to end if nothing further happens.

I can't believe his explanation: As soon as the man realized I was just a kid, he snarled and scolded at me, turned and walked away.

If he was threatening a woman, he probably wouldn't like a kid getting in the way. It's a pride thing to men like this, and I don't believe he would just walk away. Why don't you stand back and let the man do what he would naturally do in this situation? He would beat the kid up and feel bigger for it. You'd have a more realistic and emotional story.

My hands trembled; tears were running down my cheeks. I stared at Steve

Have you heard the writers term: Show not Tell? This bolded phrase is 'telling' the reader what to see. It's usually better to let them see it on their own by 'showing' it. Try to show he was blinded by tears as he looked at Steve. His vision was blurred. Even, bawling like a baby. Use the words of your imagination, but don't tell the readers what to see. It's not easy, but you'll like it.

I just wanted to break the familiar scene.

I like the ending, and I almost like the repeat of this line from the beginning. Almost. Perhaps using it in the beginning will fit better after a few details are added as suggested in the That’s when it happened. paragraph above.

You've a good draft here and it has everything going for it to be a good scene in a longer story if you decide to expand it. It's a sad, strong theme.

The rate I choose has nothing to do with 'liking' or 'disliking' the story; it applies to the amount of work needed to get it to the finished point.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

esprit

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12
12
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from

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by A Guest Visitor


I like the story theme, it's sweet and suitable for reading aloud to tots. There are a few things that came to mind as I read.

A lost little duck gets scared.

First, the brief description is lacking excitement and doesn't hook a reader. Parent's need to be convinced the story will be interesting; after all, they're the one's reading it. *Smile* Consider using the storm as the cause of the fright. Or, simply--Shyann makes a new friend--

Since she was actually scared of two separate things, and the main point of the story is friendship, the brief description doesn't introduce the story accurately.

The little duck was scared
to get the umbrella.
As Shyann left the barn

Kids need to believe their fiction to enjoy it, just as adults do. I wonder if they will believe a tiny duckling who can't even swim yet, is really able to deal with an umbrella? If kids are familiar with them, they know they have to be opened and that isn't always easy. It did pull me out of the story.

*Note*Another problem and a possible solution for you to think about.

If Shyann was scared of the storm, why did she leave the safety of the barn? Where was she going to be safer? She should have a good reason and a destination in mind. And, the readers need to know what she's thinking and why she's thinking it.

She could simply run toward the barn to escape the storm and the gust could pick her up as she reached the doors. That would clear a couple of questions. (the umbrella and safety)

Shyann slowly crept out of the storm drain and the kitten started licking her.

I also suggest thinking about cutting this line. It doesn't add any visuals and she doesn't escape. She could think about running to the drain, (as in the preceeding line) but be stopped before reaching it. The last part of the sentence sounds awkward to me. It would be awkward to read aloud to a child I think. There's no reason for the cat to do this as nothing is set up.

Shyann was really scared but the more the kitten pawed at her the more gentle she got.

Who became more gentle--Shyann or the kitten?

Shyann told the kitten that she was from the other side of the farm and that she did not know how to get home. The kitten told her

Not very interesting to listen to, is it? Why not use dialog to bring some life to the story? Dialog works wonders with showing emotion and action. Kids like it. Adults like it. It gives characters personality.

The kitten finally got Shyann back to the right side of the farm

What happened on the way? Tall grass? Mud? A big dog? Adventure.

Shyann was sad to see the kitten leave her. She had really started liking the kitten.

Since readers know she was sad, liking the kitten will be obvious. This line doesn't do anything to show why she liked the kitten. It could be taken out or rewritten.

thoughts of her adventurous day

Kids like thinking of the exciting parts too. Thoughts of her 'real' adventures would remind the kids of an especially funny scene and leave them laughing. I can see Shyann falling in the mud. Perhaps this is the scene where the kitten could clean her up. It would certainly fit.

The tone is gentle. I believe its issue lies in the lack of excited emotion. The story is 'told' without descriptions of scenery or feelings, so there are no visuals to imagine. No tension to catch the breath. Work on that and you'll have a fine piece.

The rate reflects a first draft that is ready for revising, and is standard for this stage.

It's coming along well.




by esprit
"Invalid Item" 
13
13
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Anastasia

I was browsing the public review page and noticed a review of this item. the title caught my interest. Good choice!

This is well written and easy to read, you've done a good job. I found nothing to get in the way of the main idea.

I want to offer one more suggestion to your question of how to reward a review. Public reviewers appreciate receiving review credits, and if it's a good review, they deserve them. If you want to reward and the review was made public, copy your title and put it into the search box ( To Page: Search:) on the public page. When it comes up choose the amount of gps you'd planned to give and send them from there.

Credits are the only thing that keeps a reviewer on the list, rewarding by email doesn't. If the review is public, the list is probably important to that reviewer and that's the best way to thank them IMO. Of course, your last option is good too. *Delight*








by esprit
"Invalid Item"  :


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14
14
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoyed reading this piece. It reads as smooth as glass with not one bump. You do a good job of polishing.

The tone of voice grabbed the sympathy of this reader and demanded attention be paid to the words. The content is real and held my interest. The advice is good too. *Smile*

I'm going to include this in the Drama newsletter of Sept 2nd. If you haven't subscribed to the newsletters yet, you can do that from your My Account page--just search the column for managing newsletters link.

I think you're a good writer and look forward to reading more of your work.

For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. "Find a Review Forum" 



esprit

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15
15
Review of Here I Am  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I enjoyed reading this piece, it's written very well. I could hear the sincerity in the tone, and it held my attention all the way. It's good.

I wanted to let you know this piece will be included in the Aug. 12th issue of the Newbie Newsletter. The topic will be "Don't Take Criticism Personally"

I hope the exposure will bring in many more readers who will offer their feedback. *Smile*

Subscribed? Do you receive the newsletters? Be sure to catch it!


esprit
The Newsletters




esprit

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16
16
Review of Letters To Daddy  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

I took a quick look at the opening of this piece and liked what I saw. I could hear the emotion coming through.

I wanted to let you know this piece will be included in the Aug. 12th issue of the Newbie Newsletter. The topic will be "Don't Take Criticism Personally"

I hope the exposure will bring in feedback from poets who will be able to help you with your goal to be published. *Smile*

Subscribed? Do you receive the newsletters? Be sure to catch it!


esprit
The Newsletters



esprit

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17
17
Review of Mind Games  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoyed this piece. The visuals are clear and written quite well. You're good with descriptions. The character is interesting to me, he accepts the unknown so calmly and I wonder why. It must just be unknown to the reader.

I've noted a few things for you.

Static Item >> Other >> Dark
Intro Rated: Non-E

Calling it 'Other' will keep it off the specific genre lists, and readers won't find it easily. They'll have to run across it by accident. Take advantage of the list and choose a Genre.

Mind Games Intro Rated: Non-E
A dark story of a man's mind

You could also change the Intro Rate to E. Intro applies to title and brief description only. There is nothing in the words that are not E. Changing this will mean anyone will see it. Non-E keeps it restricted.

I suddenly felt myself move to in front of the chair, not feeling my legs move or any movement at all.
It was if I just appeared there

These two phrases are contradictory. Rewriting the first line to remove --felt myself move-- and include the --just appeared--line would straighten it out. He either felt it or didn't.

looked around

This phrase is used three or four times in one paragraph which makes it very noticeable. I suggest rewording to avoid repeating so close.

around his moth

Simply a typo.

A light flickered a sickly yellow glow, and I collapsed to the floor.

This isn't quite understood. Did the yellow light cause him to collapse?

a blank white shirt

When I read 'blank shirt' my mind sees a plain tee shirt, instead of one with logos or writing on it. Still, it may be a dress shirt. Let the readers see him clearly.

A man sat staring at me from a wheelchair.

Is the man inside the mirror or inside the room with him? Calling him 'regret' makes me think the man isn't a man at all, but a figment of his imagination, but I'm not sure. How do you want the reader to interpret this scene?

wondering how I had ended up in this hole

The reader is left wondering this too, and it should be answered.

What's going on with this man? There's no info given to help the reader know who this is and why he's locked up in a padded room. The mirror is interesting, and pretty original--is this the beginning of a longer story? I had trouble believing a glass mirror would be inside a padded room; perhaps it's all inside his mind? I suggest giving the reader something to hook them in and make them care what's happening to him. Avoid confusion, especially in the opening.

It certainly has the potential to be something bigger and I hope that's your plan.

Keep writing!




esprit

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18
18
Review of Disposal  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

You've written a pretty good moment of time here and I enjoyed reading it. I noticed a few things as I read and offer my suggestions.

Static Item >> Fiction >> Other
Item Genre(s): Other

I suggest taking advantage of every genre choice you can use. There is a main genre, and boxes for three more. Leaving them blank or with 'other' doesn't get it out to be seen by readers who search the genre lists.

It was interesting how something so trivial could drive such a wedge between two people. But just as it's the little things that can draw us together, they can also tear us apart.

This para gives the impression she's speaking of a husband. It's okay to hold back some info, and even lead readers down a wrong path on purpose - to a point, but I don't see a reason to do that here.

He has yet to respond to my queries either.

An extra word that doesn't fit as the line is written. It could be removed without harm.

I longed for his voice, so as to acknowledge my presence.

A bit more detail would clarify her to the readers. This sounds like she isn't sure she exists. That is probably your intention, but I'd suggest another few words of explanation. The reason is because by using just --my--, it could be thought a typo.

With rage I would yell, "YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SCRAP!"

The extent of the rage she feels hints at more than being awakened four nights in a row.

Startled, one of the EMT's

Why was he startled? Dealing with extreme emotion is part of the job, yes? Was there something more?

who had passed away many years before

I believe this line could be taken out without losing anything. It 'tells' the reader what they will find obvious when reading the line 'turned the picture over', and the rest of the ending. To me, it's clear she has a mental issue and is imagining.

This is written well, the scene is alive with emotion and vivid description.

It's a little confusing whether she's telling a backstory to someone (a therapist?) , or is acting in real time.

The scene would fit into a longer story well. Without knowing the why's and who's, it's difficult for a reader to feel sympathy instead of apathy. It's a good moment, it just isn't finished. You could do good things with this one, though. The emotion and imagination is strong and used well.

I'd like to include this piece in the Aug. 12th issue of the Newbie Newsletter. The topic will be "Don't Take Criticism Personally"

Subscribed? Do you receive the newsletters? Be sure to catch it!




esprit

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19
19
Review of The Condition  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I'm resending this review because I changed the rate. The half point was taken for the resolution issue I mentioned, but I reconsidered. I believe it's fully worth the 5.

I'm looking for items to include in next week's Short Story newsletter, and your brief description caught my eye. Good job with it!

This is very good! The satire is believable and fits the condition perfectly. It's a smooth read with a catchy plot, and it made me laugh--always a good thing when the genre is comedy.

The last paragraph is a perfect clincher to the comedy element. Of course, it means the plot problem isn't resolved, but it's good anyway.

I enjoyed it and I'm sure readers will as well. I'm going to include it in the Short Stories newsletter of July 29th.

The only issue I noticed was the misspelling of --Desperate--.

Well done!





by esprit
20
20
Review of The Condition  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I'm looking for items to include in next week's Short Story newsletter, and your brief description caught my eye. Good job with it!

This is very good! The satire is believable and fits the condition perfectly. It's a smooth read with a catchy plot, and it made me laugh--always a good thing when the genre is comedy. *Smile*

The last paragraph is a perfect clincher to the comedy element. Of course, it means the plot problem isn't resolved, but it's good anyway.

I enjoyed it and I'm sure readers will as well. I'm going to include it in the Short Stories newsletter of July 29th.

The only issue I noticed was the misspelling of --Desperate--.

Well done!





by esprit
"Invalid Item"  :
"Invalid Item" 
21
21
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,

I wanted to read some flash today, and your's caught my eye. It's a pretty good write. I have some suggestions, but they're only meant to help--if you don't agree, that's okay. *Smile*

A flash fiction story is really all 'climax', and this one is all 'beginning', in my opinion. It's good, but isn't complete. Flash needs the same elements as any other story. Front, middle and end. I know you know that, but this one doesn't fit that bill.

It's quite wordy for a flash, so much could be cut to give room for the resolution and end.

For some reason, the flower remained unsoiled.

This gives a hint of supernatural mystery that doesn't go with the theme. It promises something that it can't deliver, and could be cut to save words and keep the story on track.

on the floor of the warehouse over on the west end of town.
A rumbling from the dark clouds above generated a synchronized skyward>>glace<<- --glance--

pay for the hit on the dearly departed.

If one thought they had an advantage over the other, there could be a lot more family gatherings like this in the future.

This is info that is explained well in this one line:
a second round of retaliation would depend on the mood

Roscoe played his role well. To the family, he was the loyal servant mourning dutifully at the passing of his employer.

Earlier, he feigned restrained anger at the attack on the family, loudly swearing revenge. Some came to calm him saying there would be time for that later.

This could easily be removed. It can all be assumed and obvious with the reading of this one line below.

Roscoe hid well the smile

This one line covers all the info in the above lines. Short and tight.

All of the black bolded areas could easily be cut to leave more words for climax and resolution.

The lines in green are good, and they cover all the needed information well. The bolded areas tell the readers stuff they will assume happened by the actions, or they can figure out.(for instance the hidden smile is a wonderful clue)

This scene covers the introduction of the character and his goal. The beginning. Flash should cover beginning, middle and resolution.

It's a very good scene, and would work in a longer story.

The feedback is only intended to help, I hope it does.








by esprit

"Invalid Item"  :

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22
22
Review of Darwin's Journey  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

I'm looking at flash today and found your item. Congratulations on the win! *Smile* It's a pretty good story!

It's written clearly and easy to follow. His background and purpose is told, the setting is wonderfully described.

The ending isn't complete, though, in my opinion. Dying without change isn't considered a true resolution. I believe more words spent on the ending would improve the tension, it was over too quickly to feel anything for the character. On the other hand, it was the only area of 'showing' and it did that excellently. Enhancing the area would only improve the whole.

"Mbakara," called Adowa, his guide. Roland frowned at the honorific 'boss' or 'master' from the Ibibio dialect.

"Professor, please," he corrected.
"Yes, Mbakara," Adowa grinned.

These bolded words do nothing to move the story to its end. They could be put to better use showing more of the character's final emotion, and a change in his thoughts/beliefs. This would give the story the full scale of elements required of the short story, including resolution.

Only my thoughts, you did well.











by esprit
"Invalid Item"  :


23
23
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I think you have a good idea for story. It isn't finished yet, is it? I think this is only the beginning, the introduction of the plot. In May, Tammanna meets a man over the phone and he becomes her friend.

Now, you can write all the details about these characters. Who are they, what do they do? Is Tammanna still in school or does she work?

Keep working on the story and give them something to do that readers will like to read about. Is Aryan going to be the good guy or the bad guy?

Think about the story and then write it--I'll read it again.

It will need work, but you can do it. *Smile*


esprit

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24
24
Review of Red Sky at Night  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is a great theme, and timely. I like sci-fi and touching on 2012 will perk the readers interest. It certainly did mine.

If you consider this your outline instead of the finished product, it'll free you to add all the details to bring the story to life. The potential is wonderful, I'd love to read a finished story.

Inserting the daily entries would still work while taking the readers further into the life of the character. Give him things to do, people to interact with. Let us meet Sarah and find out how she feels about all this. Make him special so the readers can identify with him.

If the craft holds only 10,000 people, why were these two chosen? What skills do they have to offer a new world that no one else has? That's not very many people and everyone knows the most important will not be left behind. *Smile*

Here are only a few things I noticed, but if you decide to rewrite, using this as the outline, these can be fixed during the revision.

I should be late Christmas shopping

This is an extra word that only gets in the way. Taking it out won't change the meaning of the sentence, but will make it smoother to read.

<file 33241> <property of New US government . File created aprox . 30 years ago.>

What makes this journal important enough to become the property of the government? There's no confidential info, only personal diary stuff. Since it's 30 years old, you have a good opening for beginning the story at that point in time. Thirty years on a new planet will give lots of exciting fodder for a story.

Then again, he never could really do a good job. You could always see the sweat marks through his pink, sometimes blue, shirt.

This line doesn't have anything to do with the man's job, does it? It's a good line, but doesn't do anything for the story.

Today there was a news report about the sky and the heat. About time! Apparently there is some kind of comet passing and it will make heat rise and the sky turn red.

It's hard for this reader to believe there were no reports for three days. There will need to be a good reason to convince readers that newscasters were not speaking of it. And to come up with what we already know is weak. Is the character frightened? He is aggravated with the heat but the sky doesn't seem to bother him too much. This is why I suggest adding all those details to bring the character to life and give the story credibility. There is lots to work with.

I won't ask how the radio still works; maybe readers won't notice as long as they can believe.

I also won't ask why he wasn't with Sarah during these last days. To 'meet' her at the airport (or whatever it was called) seems too casual/careless to me. Do they really love each other? It doesn't show.

If you kept the journal as a prologue of sorts, and began the actual story 30 years in the future--it would be fantastic.

I hope the feedback gives you some ideas to work with; again, I love the theme. I believe your imagination wil be able to envision a complete story. You're off to a good start!

The rate reflects the amount of work left to do to have a finished story.




esprit

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25
25
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoyed this story very much, good job!
The tension builds steadily and voice is pretty well established as a child. That's not always easy to pull off. *Smile*

As a first draft it's good. The descriptions show the setting of the basement clearly, and the character and father can be seen.

I believe it can be tightened to make the tension tighter, but I won't go into that here. It doesn't need a lot of work as it's good as it is.

I imagined the main character as a girl, I really don't know why. The only way I know it isn't is because the brief description tells me it's a boy. *Smile* It makes no difference at all to the story.


For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. "Find a Review Forum" 

This piece will be included in the July 29th issue of the Newbie Newsletter. The topic will be "Newsletters--Why You Should Subscribe and Read Them".

Subscribed? Do you receive the newsletters? Be sure to catch it!

It's a wonderful story!

esprit

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