This is an interesting piece :) I do have some suggestions, feel free to take them or leave them. This poem would greatly benefit from some spacing. You have good content here cramped in a small space with no room for inflection. Think of it like wine, sometimes it needs to breathe :)
My child,you are one of many.
The Demons cannot hurt you.
Demons roam here,yes they do.
But some demons like it in the warm in Cuba. (perhaps be a little more specific with you language here. EX: "some demons like the warm of Cuba")
Some like it cold,like in Canada. ("Some like the cold of Canada") I think you could benefit from creating stanzas. Here would be a natural separation in your content
Demons used to roam this house.
They are gone now.
Demons are like me or you.
Demons are not like you. (This I found a bit confusing as your previous line contradicts this statement)
You my child are good.
You my child,are not like me.
Good Night. (I think you could completely delete this line and the poem would not suffer at all)
You have an interesting idea here...are you going to expound on it? I'd like to read more :) As it stands it is quite vague but you could easily turn this into a short story, or even a long one ;) Keep writing!
Oh my gosh! This poor, poor kid! Am I allowed to say I think the father is a jerk? This is a great story! Good cliff-hanger...I want to know what happens though! Is there more to this story? The monster in your story sounds very much like the fabled changeling. This was definitely an enjoyable read, I do have some suggestions however, mostly technical. I noticed some mistakes that distract from your otherwise great story:
as hard and fast as he possible could- possibly*
Maybe i'm being too harsh- I'm*
drawing is off- of*
all his toys are tied- tidied?
his clothes were- should be are* in keeping with present tense
even his posters that were half hanging off were properly stick to the walls.- perhaps a little restructuring here ex: even his normally drooping posters are properly stuck to the walls
"Well, I guess you want me to check under the bed again before I kiss you goodnight." - should be a question mark instead of a period
I hope these suggestions help. Keep up the good work! :)
Hey! I was only able to read the prologue and part of the first chapter. Under some time constraints atm :( You have the start of a good story! You seem to have a good grasp on grammar and how to structure a sentence which is a great start! I have a few suggestions based on the small part I read. Feel free to take them or toss them, but I hope they help!
In the midst of action is not the best time to describe a character unless it is absolutely necessary to the scene. It distracts from the action and the purpose of the scene. Find a slower or more appropriate scene to introduce physical features and personality traits.
“Warren said as the final barrier between themselves and whoever was after them was given another tremendous blow.”
I would use a more specific term here than whoever was after them, it’s a little too ambiguous.
Ex: Warren said as the final barrier between themselves and their attackers/assailants/aggressors, was given another tremendous blow.
“Warren had led him here while he was still half asleep.” Where is here??? What is the blow that is being talked about? An explosion? A fire? An invasion? Someone literally blowing air into the facility?
“Take these!” Warren ordered him, first handing him an extremely old and brittle brown book that was bound shut by an enormous golden seal. Then, a piece of equally worn parchment with writing scribbled onto it, and finally a heavy case that Erik had to carry on his back.
Instead of listing the items one after another with their individual descriptions try to combine these sentences. They sound like important objects, so no doubt they will resurface and you will be able to give a more thorough description at that time. Once more you are in the middle of an action scene which is an inappropriate time for lengthy description. Also you can minimize your pronouns and prepositions for a concise fast paced scene.
“Take these!” he ordered (you've already established who is speaking in your earlier sentence),handing Erik a brittle brown book bound shut by a golden seal, a worn piece of parchment and a heavy case that he had to carry on his back.
Suddenly there is an escape hatch? This ties back into setting. Where are they? Give a little description of where they are. What is the final barrier? A door? Rubble? A forcefield? What noises, what smells, is it hot, cold…?
I hope to read more soon. Good luck and keep writing! :)
Hey! You have the start of a good anecdote here :)
This is a sweet story :) However it is very vague... I have a few suggestions, some of which are just grammar. You are free to take them or toss them, either way I hope they help!
Side should be plural –sides
Surprise not surprised
Who is your husband??? We are meeting his family without ever having met him! What is his name? What drew you to him? It does not need to be long, in fact concise would be better here but give us something!
“I met my husband-to-be via a blind-date in early autumn of 1979.” Following this sentence would be a good place for some emotional input. Ex: The moment I knew I wanted to marry him…/I knew we were meant to be when he… Tell us how he caught you! :)
Some of your short choppy sentences can be combined without turning them into run-on’s
Ex: "Pop and Bertie lived in New Smyrna Beach, Florida. We had visited them a few times there during our first year of dating."
Pop and Bertie lived in New Smyrna Beach, Florida, where we visited them a few times during our first year of dating.
“Pop and Bertie had built that ranch-style home themselves.” Throw in some adjectives! Pop and Bertie built their (sprawling/beautiful/homey…etc) ranch-style house themselves. –Since we have not actually seen this place for ourselves “(that) ranch-style home” would not be appropriate usage
“The center piece of the living room was a magnificent large picture window from which to watch the birds and squirrels feed under the enormous oak tree in the front yard.” – (…from which you could watch the birds…under an enormous oak tree…)
“The beach was less than a quarter of a mile away – easy walking distance.” Sell this sentence! What about this is a good thing? Why is it important that it is easy walking distance? Pretend you are trying to sell this house to someone who has never seen it. Be descriptive!
“It was near the end of May…Pop and Bertie had driven down that weekend…” You can exclude the word here in that sentence, it is implied.
“I would quiz Pop on how he picked his favorite horse in the race.” You leave the reader hanging here. How did he pick his race horse??? This is a character building opportunity here. You have a chance to establish your relationship with Pop and create a relationship between your readers and Pop. This is meant to be an emotional piece is it not? You seem to like him so make us like him! :)
I hope this helps and good luck with your assignment! :)
You have some great content here; it just needs a bit of polishing.
In poetry your words are often dictated by flow, some words lend to the flow and other are just superfluous and bulky. You could effectively cut out a lot of your pronouns (She, he, it etc…) without any adverse effect and improve the flow. You can also restructure your lines by either breaking them up or removing redundant words. I would suggest inserting stanzas as well. Think of them as paragraphs almost, the beginning of a new phase or part of thought.
Girl with a broken past
Wounded memories leak
From a soul like shattered glass
Living life, always looking back
Knowing every day could be the last
(Is there a reason you shorten these words? Is it for a particular style or spoken sound, or to get a point across? I think they pack more of a punch in their regular form, but again this is your poem! Just a suggestion, feel free to take it or leave it)
The face in the mirror never stops mocking
Just five pounds the other side of fat
Doesn't think she’s beautiful;
No one’s ever told her that.
Surrounded by an ocean faces
She’s just one of a million stares (Does this imply that people stare at a lot of things and she is just one of them, or is to mean that she gets stared at a lot?)
Lonely in a sea of “friends”
Still unable to breathe
Can’t you see she is suffocating? (Now I know this doesn't fit your rhyme, I just threw it in to point out that you are switching tenses here. Find a line that continues in the third person narrative.)
Screaming,
With no voice to be heard.
One more Freak, who’ll never belong.
Doesn’t think she’s Beautiful
No one’s ever told her that.
No one to miss her if she’s gone.
Sitting alone in a darkened hallway,
Tears she can no longer hide
Run down her face
No one ever told her love is a moment of grace.
I didn't want to do the whole thing for you, see where you get on your own with the rest of this! :)
You have a great start and a very important topic. By the way, LOVE the last line! :D
This an interesting beginning/prompt. You have a good start, with a bit of editing this could be a great hook. You could literally take this in about a million different directions.
The first place my mind ran when looking to expand upon this idea was perhaps he already is in his head. Maybe he is stuck in a delusion. Whatever career he had before he "Lost his marbles" Cop/writer/actor etc..has lent itself to building up this fantasy. He is coached by doctors/therapists on this path in hopes he will discover the ruse for himself. When confronted with the reality of things he becomes violent and irrational or whatever method of madness you choose (No pun intended) i.e. the coaching. So this is how the story starts and you travel with him on a fantastic journey of intrigue and self discovery.
Perhaps he discovers he really is the murderer, or in another twist surprising everyone, discovers who the true murderer is when everyone has written him off as a basket case. Or even stranger yet, maybe no one was actually murdered! If you want to take a supernatural bent perhaps he is reliving a 30/50/80 etc... year old case. Or seeing something before it happens.Perhaps in seeing it beforehand makes his doctors/cops think he was involved in the murder somehow and he must work to clear his name.
I hope something in all of that rambling helped! I know what it's like to get a really good hook down and then be stuck without an accompanying story, very frustrating! Good luck and keep writing!
I truly enjoyed this piece! I think you sold yourself a bit short (talent wise) when you said you are new to poetry! The only suggestion I have is to punctuate it. You have a few commas here and there but I would recommend fully punctuating the whole thing. I think the flow can only be improved from it! Hope this helps and keep writing!
You have a great story idea here, I can honestly say I have never heard of snow white portrayed as a Vampire! You have a good outline and platform to work from however this piece needs quite a bit of editing. There are a lot of grammar and punctuation errors as well as spelling.
I can edit the whole piece for you if you like, just let me know. You did a good job sticking with your first person POV and not mixing your tenses. I have trouble with that myself.
Overall you have a great idea it just needs some polishing :)
Wow! This was interesting and rather exciting. I haven't read a lot of poem/stories but the ones I have definitely weren't as exciting as this :) I only noticed a few missing punctuation marks which are easily fixed!
The only line that tripped me up a little was
"He gives me some clothes he had found"... He finds me clothes (maybe?) I'm sure there are many ways to play with it, I think a shorter line here works better with the flow
Hope this helps!
On a side note I noticed you are from Denver. I lived in Littleton for a few years, I was so upset the Broncos didn't make it past the playoffs this year!
Very interesting poem, it did not go in the direction I expected. You have a nice rhyme scheme going that stays pretty consistent. One suggestion I have is to remove "and" from this line:
it all began one fair, blue spring day.
for some reason it kind of put a bump in the flow, or maybe I am just weird :)
The only other thing I noticed were a few missing commas, which are easily fixed! Thank you for sharing and I hope this helps. Keep writing!
This is a lovely poem describing something that is really so hard to put into words. I like the metaphor of the maze I've not heard it stated this way before :)
There a few suggestions I would make, just to improve the flow a little. These are just suggestions, feel free to take them or toss them!
desolate, alone, devoid of all but sorrow... (this is a bit more compact and more in keeping with the timing of the rest of your poem)
"as though a maze" is though supposed to be through?
"revealed a doorway unknown to me" ( I feel the revealed an exit line is just a bit too wordy)
There is a lot of editing that needs to be done on this has piece. It has the beginnings of an interesting story. There are some questions I have like why the girl would think the boy would be frightened of her when she smiled? Or why his promise made her angry and why was she doomed to be forever alone?
The main thing I noticed was a lot of punctuation errors and spelling errors. I can do the first few sentences for you. If you would like me to edit the whole piece for you I can, just let me know.
ex: "There once was a boy who loved to walk in this garden near his home. It was filled with all kinds of beautiful flowers. his favorite part of this garden was the section full of spider lillies. He walked towards them and noticed there was something new to the field of red spider lillies. Today there was a girl there."
Edit: There once was a boy who loved to walk in a garden near his home. It was filled with all kinds of beautiful flowers, his favorite being the section full of Spider Lilies. One day he walked towards them and noticed there was something new among the red Spider Lilies. Today there was a girl. ( I would recommend starting a new paragraph after this)
You can also add a lot to this piece by adding detail. For example: There once was a boy in (India/Taiwan/England/Pakistan etc...) who loved to walk in a garden near his home....One (Sunny/Windy/Cloudy) day, he walked towards them and noticed there was something new among the (Vibrant/delicate/aromatic) red Spider Lilies.
This sounds like a very interesting story and could be great with a little work! Thanks for sharing and keep writing! :)
You have some interesting ideas presented in this poem. I have some suggestions, feel free to take them or toss them.
Peaks should be peeks and ass should be as. The flow of this poem is pretty messy, I feel it could be cleaned up quite a bit if you punctuated it, or at least reformatted it so there is only one thought per line.
Example:
No hatred in my face can damage the love I have I am real
Could be changed to something like this:
No hatred in my face can damage the love I have
I am real
Separate out your thoughts so it's not one big jumble.
In your first stanza I would not directly quote the nursery rhyme it sounds a bit too juvenile.
"And I am the twinkle twinkle little star that soothes you to sleep at night"
you could say something like: I am the twinkle in that little star which soothes you to sleep at night. (not so juvenile but still obvious as to its origins)
Another thing I noticed is repetition. In some cases repetition is good but you don't want to kill someone's interest with it.
I am ME doesn't really need to be repeated with every stanza, at least not with this poem. I would say it once with the first stanza and perhaps again with the last stanza. Your focus here is to describe to us who you are, we will understand this is YOU.
Another example-
I am not perfect
I am no princess
And I am not who you want me to be
My name is ALEXIS
I am ME
don't be afraid to change it up! Avoid repeating I am a million times and your poem will have a much more unique fee to it.
I am not perfect
Certainly no princess
Most definitely not who you want me to be
My name is Alexis
I am no one but me.
Again these are just suggestions, I hope they help. Keep writing! :)
I really enjoyed this poem! Music is such an inspiration and security. This poem reminds me a little of the quote by Maya Angelou- “Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”
The only thing I noticed was "i" needs to be capitalized in the line "As i walk through the crowds"
I enjoyed the story and am curious to know what happens next.
The first scene surprised me a little, the lead up to meeting Damian made it seem as if she had already met him. She didn't seem very surprised by anything. I suppose I would have liked a bit more detail of the scene and her emotions. It's not until the second scene that you realize she was expecting an older man, maybe a bit more confusion or hesitancy when she approaches him. something like...Could this really be Mr. Edwards? He is so young! (doesnt have to be this its just an example) and you could reveal her physical reaction to him as she bathes his forehead or through some other action ex: Audrina could feel heat creeping up her neck...or...Audrina felt her face flush at his closeness, she couldnt help but revel in his intoxicating smell...or something like that.
Anyways these are all just suggestion, feel free to take it or leave it :) Keep writing!
Loved this! Quick question have you really been to China? I just moved back to the states, I spent almost a year over there. This is a unique approach and I hope to hear more!
I really like the concept you have here, adapting Psalm 23 into a poem, but keep in mind that this is a very very old piece of literature. Your opinion is very clearly stated and that is good there is no doubt what this poem is about, but I feel the diction is lacking. The language,your language (this is just my opinion feel free to take it or leave it) should match that of the passage you are quoting. Go old English on it! Think King James and give your thoughts that twist. I'm not suggesting you change the content just the rhythm. When I read this I feel like I want to find this poem in a really old rare book, the modern language is just what is breaking up the flow. Anyway I really did enjoy this, sorry for rambling so much! Hope this helps and good luck! :)
I'm not sure why but this really reminds me of scarecrow from batman! Very good :) The only suggestion I have would be to punctuate this piece. I think it would improve the flow. Thanks and good luck!
Oh my goodness this is so sweet! I love your poem and I can only imagine what you are feeling here, watching your darling little girl grow up. This reminds me so much of the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. If you haven't heard it you should give it a listen, I think you would appreciate it.
The only thing I noticed is that your should be you're in "your already a toddler"
The only suggestion I have is to fully punctuate the whole piece, I think it would help improve the flow.
Once again love the poem and hope this helps! :) Good luck and keep writing!
This sounds like a good idea but very unfinished. More details are needed to feel a connection with your characters and their feelings. Each of these sentences could easily be turned into paragraphs. I can sense you are very good with detail so just expound on it :) Make us feel the tension and electricity!
Hope this helps and good luck with your writing!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/ttcrunch
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 2:58am on Apr 20, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
