I live in New Mexico where 'the rock' is particularly prevalent. It's a sad state of affairs, I must say.
I enjoyed the hopefulness in your stories introduction. There was an innocent care that didn't seem fit to the time (6 years?) you surrendered your life to watching over an adult. The story doesn't speak to the pain that might have caused or the lost opportunity. I think that's alright. The omission keeps focus on a singular hope.
The end seemed a bit rushed. I know crystal meth when I see it; cloudy crystals line the cracks of our poorly urban areas. But, I'd like more than a repeat of the name, since it's so much more. Without my background, as a reader I'd be a bit lost as to how one binge after so long would lead to this kind of selfish destruction. There's something unruly and dark, not all about the drug, but about the people's tainted core that have gone overboard. Their aptitude for the fall is legendary, a skill born in cackling haze, and I'd like more of that, of the living with that look behind his eyes in those hard moments.
What beautiful allegory for leaders in life. I like your title. It is deceptively true, though missing the fact that few ever take the road to begin with.
I miss the use of nature. I think people get too soaked in cities and forget the woods hold so much more meaning, and maybe more mystery the less people are exposed.
The ending was abrupt. I think I would have liked a reflective scene as opposed to just setting out again. That occasional introspection, especially when someone suddenly finds themselves alone, is important, I think. I think it's important and makes us more human to take pause instead of moving forward and just reacting. So, all but the end, mon cher. All but the end.
Yikes. This guy really goes nuts over a sound. I liked the repeat ER visits. I can relate to those.
I don't like that we never find out what the sound was. By the end of the story, our man is so wanked out, he'd be hearing things without any good reason. There's no resolution - I keep thinking this guy is going to commit suicide soon.
I'm not quite sure why he wouldn't have called the maintenance man right away and avoided the whole mess. I didn't get a sense he was particularly handy (going through the drywall with a pocket knife and not thinking of plastering it later).
Notes:
"...quite a few cute, single girls" - I'm not sure if a professional woman would be so informal talking to a new tenant.
"...first good night’s sleep in a number of days" - ambiguity tends to excess. It might be better as the norm: 'in days.."
The ending is superb. The rhyme in your last two sections picks up the tempo and brings me through to your message brilliantly. There is nothing like fleeing safety to feel alive. Very well done.
I'm not quite sure I understand the tree speak. I want to poem to be from your eyes (namely because I love the end so much and don't want you to emulate that from the point of view of the tree). The symbolism catches me strange is all. I have trouble seeing theatrical trees - they are generally so stoic, even amidst a hurricane they stay rooted - we need that foundation even in the wilderness, I think.. anyway.
Your story is clearly written. The ghost certainly caught a moment with me, appearing in the closet after being downstairs (ghosts should be confined to a single area so they're less scary). The full follow haunt, both outside the home and into adulthood is a great foundation for tons of twists in the ghost/person identity. I liked this a lot.
Some notes:
Starting towards his room, he heard the sound again. This time however, it was followed by a small child crying, but it was no longer muffled- he could hear it clear as day. In a moment of panic, he took off running again, this timeinto his room, slamming the door behind him and diving under the covers into his warm bed.
--Repetition of the child's destination. Also, the child had just wet himself. He probably wouldn't go to bed with urine soaked pants.
You jump forward and back in time, and I'm not sure why. The first part of the story isn't told in first person, so I didn't get the sense he was explaining this to the therapist (this is confirmed when she is surprised by the boy, though maybe she was attributing the ghostly face to the dream.)
Rearraning the boyhood section into one coherent story might keep everything in tack.
And where did all the pee go? That stuff stinks.
It's a fun story. The house imagery is well set to give a sense of proprortion. That is a very dangerous ghost. I like the fact that it seems to be aging along with Michael. I'd like to see the possibilities of a ghost with growth potential outside devouring souls and making apparating spikes and death traps.
What a bleak breakfast, almost suicidal in its absence of any positive save the cold milk. Someone needs a McMuffin.
I saw sickness: "it won't stay down."
I'd seen it before, but I didn't know what it was then: "rocks - that sit at the bottom of my lungs"
I think you might benefit from switching the two images around - the thought of vomiting before telling us of rocks we can't see. I guess cancer. But the ventricles and heart thing could just as soon be arterial clogging; high cholesterol. It's not until the vomiting comes that I start to think of lung cancer.
It's hard for bacon to apologize when the eggs and milk are dead. The food is personified inconsistently. What does the egg do? It sounds like the yolk cracked because it was thrown in the pan too hard, but the bacon shouldn't be retaliating for that. And its you pouring and chugging the milk to settle your stomach, not the milk cooling your throat and pressing to keep the food down- just a thought.
I like where you're going with this. The emotions of the a simple daily ritual can be so defeating, and how awful to be defeated by breakfast - that's sure to ruin your day.
The logo is brilliant. I especially appreciate the lack of clutter on arriving. Immediately I knew the bounds of the current round and were introduced to active participants.
I like this contest because it makes people write constantly. Blogging successfully is a daunting challenge - and your contest seeds that effort with prompts to help.
On the prompts, while I understand the staff are themselves writers, you could be constraining responses with long prompts.
"Every country has its prestigious traditions. Some of those are our favorites. In the community you live now enumerate the good traditions you and your family are anxious to celebrate."
--Could become 'Celebrating Traditions'.
And on bounds, many of the WDC contests seem bound to the site. Blogs are an net wide phenomenon with a lot of resources and communities working to bring the good word to the masses. Connecting with external resources could foster more growth in the community and help make WDC a nexus for a greater populace of writers.
I love what you're doing. Thank you. Hope to see you in next month's round.
-Vince
What a powerful look into the character - It's rare you get so much in so few words. Really well done. I want to row now. I want to exhaust myself until I'm pleased by uselessness and just drift..to safety, to anywhere.
This sentence is a little confusing:
"He knew that he could not permanently escape, but the thought of being found deadened by exhaustion while drifting down stream was mysteriously pleasing to him."
--Since I didn't know James yet, the second part was confusing. That he couldn't escape forever, I understood, but I expected a negative in the latter half. Try replacing "but" with "yet" or some such and the contrast might become more clear. Like I said, once you read on, it comes back to you and makes more sense. I think this is an important sentence, just missing a tweak on one or two words.
I really couldn't stop reading. The characters are so alive in dialogue, I felt at a loss when there was no one to talk to at the end. Very smart.
The introduction is so much fun. I love the clash. It's too bad he couldn't escape it somehow. But that's just me preferring fantasy to tragedy. This is such a tragedy, and yet so bright. If anything, I can't believe the human race is ending at the end, I just don't get that. 98% means a new beginning again and I desperately want to see it.
The first wave of destruction was bad. But, the recovery was so quick that it never set it. Hearing about Courtney falling to the madness was bad. I have to face it. Compared to the years of emotion I just invested in the characters of the first two sections, I don't get much growth out of, you know, a furniture salesman moonlighting as an apocalyptic militia man. How come he doesn't learn? Was it too quick a disaster? It was only two months.
I feel the end was a bit rushed. Even with an exponential increase in capability. The FSA does too much too quickly for me. I love my government, but I don't think it could ever outpace Intel's innovation or Apple's finesse. Not to mention, it's just too easy for them to push everyone into the system so soon. Where are the activists? Why didn't the protagonist ever see any mention of the people certain to be afraid. You do buy a lot with the renegade thing, but wash over the implications (armed citizens happy killing policeman and neighbors) of ramming any new policy down their throats. I feel like you skipped over a couple debates, and maybe a little civil war.
But hey! Great freakin' job. This is a spectacularly fun piece. Thank you, thank you.
I like the way you use short sentences to depict the half-awake moments (when the character's not getting tortured). The long drawn out moments of pain are marvelous contrasts to that.
Linking the dogs to memories of family is a good. I don't know if I made the connection right away, though. You could probably clarify by adding the element that the dogs and your wife share (a family dog barking at your wife, the 'whining' as you told her you needed to leave again). Get me into the character's past a bit more.
You never bring up the sex of the character, but I always expect people to treat men and women differently (or at least visualize the torture in different explicit ways) depending on the sex of victim. I don't know much Russian. To me Orsen is a unisex, but more importantly comes late. I want to know if those leads are attached to balls or breasts. You can tell me directly, or the main character can think of his loved ones before realizing how many languages he/she speaks.
Your character had to expect death. I think "God I'm still alive" is a bit of a cop out for the relief factor. The character's internal dialogue also shifts tense and tone towards the end. Rather, you start an internal dialogue without breaking from narration and that's confusing.
"My head continuosly punds" -- some spelling here.
You end with "My next memory" which throws the tense of the piece off. Maybe a little more of a lead to tell the reader that you're going to use present tense to tell your story.
Wonderfully complete! I really enjoyed following Frank through this little period of his life. The ending is superb. You gave me a future for Frank, more than just a confident hope, a blonde; better a blonde he knows. Yeah. Sexy stuff.
Moving up the story, the trip was a lot of fun (minus the crying bit). I like how you exited his surreal state when things got bad. The image of him curled was more than enough. I'm not so sure I got the mother-in-law part. I only say that because it seems like Frank had given up on those kinds of relations. I'd of bought an old avenging prostitute returning for alimony, but not the mother-in-law. I hear the female voices - I really do. I do find it disconcerting for the author to claim their part of me, even though they are. It's a bit like imagining sex with the wrong sex, but realizing you're the one coming up with the images. Strange when it's your fault. So, I guess I agree with that bit. Yes, I do. Good show.
The plywood reference. I lost that bit. It confused me a little when it came up as a barrier. Plywood isn't particularly strong, and it's made of compressed, wasted, wood. I can start assigning metaphors, but just assumed it was a low counter he bumped into. I'm not sure I got its importance.
The Fungi, mushroom (i.e. psilocybe cubensis): I feel like you're searching for synonyms and going tech on me. When I stir blueberries into my oatmeal, I don't open a back of Vaccinium corymbosum, smell the edible fruit's freshness, and suddenly decide to drop the bulbous seeds into my mash and stir them about. I grab the blueberries and add them to my oatmeal. I take the mushrooms from the tea and lay them across my burger. You know, same thing. Not much thinking involved.
I'll tell you what I love about this, it's the shift in tone - not of voice, but of what the main character hears. I think that drives the plot, here more than anything else.
1) Dead dark silence - the soft clock radio.
2) XXXX - Conversation through the shroud.
3) Pangs of light - screaming, seeting, boiling flesh.
In the second section, I miss the scene change. How does she know she's leaving the front door? Is it the smell of fresh air? Is it twilight through the opaque brocade?
In section three, the bench throws me off. They were off to a tower right Mose's Tower, yeah? Where'd the deck come from? I can see a small patio, maybe a gothic balcony, but a deck? And and what's this bench? I thought at first you were talking about bench seats on a truck and a tarp over the bed. Is this the rooftop? Is there a spire and a teepee was laid in black tarp? A little change to wording here could go a long way.
So, Gunter comes for them? I see the trap, but I don't see them positioning themselves. Simply writing in the act of them first ascending the tower could help a lot - tell me where they are when Gunter comes 'racing' in.
As far as speed is concerned, who 'races' faster, Gunter or the bags? Maybe one could vault, the other fall? How do the cursed move? Do they bound, or trip quickly, or move about like a gorilla, climbing everything even when it's flat.
Very fun. I love the sectioning, just need a little more clarification and maybe a little touch on the second part. Great job!
The imagery and narrative are great. I really get a good sense of this woman's nightly ritual.
I think the work could benefit a lot from restructuring elements containing your parallel imagery to hold the stronger images better. Starting at the end, the quickness in which you return blood-stained, you might leave white-robed. I lose the white early on and had to remember that she left 'clean'.
In the beginning, the use of awning denotes a pitch black starless night - where nothing but your going glows. The allusion to stars means there are some holes in shadow and kind of defeats the intensity of the slicing later on..makes it feel less authentic because stars are company. The character doesn't seem guilty for misbehaving under the god's light (see archetypal images).
I kind of expected 'haunted' to come up more. You use it thrice in three different ways, and so I'm not sure of the form of the 'haunt'. . The spacing and context don't connect them. With five sections, maybe using the image in 1-3-5 or in 2-4 would help keep the emotion fresh. Or just once...
"and allows for you to haunt me" might be cleaner as "and allow you to haunt me".
Mmm. You personify the night in its want, but don't tell me how it speaks to you. I get the feeling the character is contrived, trying to find reason for her actions. Not lost, just without reason to sleep.
Well done! Fantastically paced and I loved the hook at the beginning. Ah! Wonderful. I love Lucas' hope. I love the heroic Jonah more. The little curse at the end is perfect. Thank you for putting this together.
If I had to nitpick, it'd be on the Mother. 'Come here little boy!' doesn't feel right. Her actions and age don't match up (she has to be near fifty, yeah?). She's special, so I can give her leeway - but I don't get a sense of character. I also can't discern her motive. From invisible to visible, from finger-flicking middle age woman to shrieking middle age witch, I don't get her. I did enjoy the elements of transformation, though I don't know if they fit her - 'claws' and 'arms outstretched' and 'hot fire' kind of clash. Lucas didn't see external bruises. The chase feels artificial - the victory doesn't.
And with Lucas purportedly the sane observer of these supernatural happenings, I didn't get a sense of purpose in the power; context for the event. I felt the build-up could have brought elements of Jonah's dreams. The notes are brilliant clues. But children have dreams. People have a way of letting them in on the future they desire, at least some element of it. I figured Lucas could have discerned more from Jonah. He was his only patient. Jonah had a father and knew it. So, unless Lucas was deluding himself into believing filling that role would be enough to place his charge back into the world after a time, I feel like we missed something. It belittles Jonah a little for him not to have such aspirations - though he's autistic, so I dunno.
Then again, maybe I just want more of the story!
-Vince
Your pace is phenomenal. The word choice is powerful and quick. The beginning kicks (maybe a bit too hard), and ending with a backhanded comment like that is very nice; well done.
Like I said, I don't think you need to swear in the second line. You don't later, so don't set yourself up to be looked down on. The cruse belittles the quality of language throughout the rest of your work. I love the 'f' sound coming off 'picketfence', i just don't know if that word works. Maybe you could work something that fills better with 'marital bliss' - don't touch those last two lines, their genius, I think.
I don't know if 'Dollar signs' are the significant other of 'disposable plastic wives' or if you're applying animism to money...clarification would be nice. Bringing in the the repetitive sounds in your third section reads well. The method works there, but I think you should look for other means of rhythm from then on: 'foolish...foolish' is weak after the 'sanitary' bit.
I don't think your fourth section has enough substance to elicit so many words. I think you might benefit from shrinking to a quick core message to get the pace up for a strong finish. You might be able to foreshadow the structure of your concluding clause.
You could cut two lines out of the second to last and not lose anything. An 'unfounded faith' of 'petty whims' guarantees warped society and a lot of pity. I don't feel you gain much by stating it. Cut to the chase.
My last comment is on 'synthesised'. I think It's cheap. Plus, those that can only follow 'fucked' faiths probably don't have the prophet in them to face mortality. They run from their graves, not into fake ones, I think.
I love a kick arse young girl, especially a princess. There's a good outline here to introduce to readers this 'new' woman. I identified a few key scenes here:
1) Intro to main character and her confidants;
2) Foreshadowing the announcement;
3) Character finds out and plans escape;
4) The escape.
Any one of these sections could be a chapter unto themselves. I'd like to see more of Angelica. I'd like to see more of the princess's lessons (how skilled is, she really? Is she funny? Is she attractive in a coat of arms, charging sword(s) first into her opponent). Also, I don't get an impression that the place is magical until the very end (the other plane thing).
Your strongest point here is the comedic narrator (you, I presume). I want to see more of his opinion. If Angelica is so "standard" to him, what makes Rosalia so special? You need to pick a consistent narrator(s) and develop their viewpoints better. Tone shifts a lot and it's hard to follow, especially with the story moving so quickly.
Very romantic, despite your willingness to leave family, hearth and home for a woman you no longer know. Maybe revisiting with mind to lay your stance in life (how old your are -a widower?-, your being single and alone). As limiting as that might be, you might bear morality.
It reads O.K. Some of the lines have too many syllables or are mismatched to their rhyming partner, and so readability slows.
Good: -10 count both lines- "I have lived with regrets ever since <-> I get another chance, to be your prince". I don't like the comma here either, the break in symmetry from it's predecessor line bugs me.
Slow: -"What an opportunity I let slip[ped] ("let slip" is past tense already), Hoping and praying (,) that maybe someday (I feel it's bad to just interject a comma for a pause when you don't do it elsewhere without contextual foundation)".
Good work!
-Vince
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