Hello Magoo. Thought I would check your portfolio and this lovely poem caught my eye.
Probably one of the best poems I have read here. I felt like I was reading from a book of prize winning poems! Your delivery was very smooth and the story excellent. The ending left me in suspense which is a splendid twist.
I would not change one word of this. My favorite quatrain is:
My mom said, "Purple pumpkins lie,
so trust them not, my son,
a promise they will never keep;
they always fib for fun."
I saw this in the news feed. I found no errors or corrections of any sort.
My favorite color is bright green and pretty much always has been, so you can imagine my liking this little ditty! The green found on the rocks of a forest stream are so beautiful and I hope to be hiking in them soon!
This item is the "brutally honest" poster child of Christmas tree lore.
Makes me glad I bought my artificial (silk) Christmas tree. One of those that looks far better than a real one!
My thoughts turn to "better to die young and beautiful than to die a stinking old fart." So now I can cope easier with the murder of thousands of trees each year.
My favorite: (“Oh, look honey. That one’s perfect. Let’s kill it!”)
I wonder if that's what we have in Ohio? I get itchy spots occasionally or often, especially on my arms and feet but I always thought they were from mosquitos. I have to put jars of vinegar with a few drops of citrus dish washing liquid around to catch them, plus fly strips.
I was hunting for a short story and found this one. Did I like it? Yes. You demonstrated a well-rounded writing style throughout, using adjectives and verbs appropriately without becoming boring by using too many.
I enjoyed the accents you gave to the foreign couple and the surprise ending.
Corrections: I found only four:
You wrote:
"The woman was sat in a garden chair and the man was on his phone talking in broken English and she caught some of the words," (in the paragraph starting with "As")
Should that be "The woman was <<(sitting)>> rather than (sat)?
Also, this line near the end:
"I see you found the ghost,” He said. He looked embarrassed, wary as he moved past her in to the little room and the kittens ran to him.
"wary as he moved past her in to" <<(into)>> would be the correct word.
Finally:
"After swimming, showering, dinner and a couple of drinks at the bar, Sarah felt just about ready to crash. It had been a long day and she wanted to be up early to take a boat trip. She had all but forgotten about the couple from reception and the ghost, had got<<(were)>> chatting to a Swedish couple at the bar who had been there a week already. As she climbed in to <<(into)>> bed, she sighed happily and closed her eyes.
There's a good program called Grammarly that you might want to check out for free at grammarly.com. I just started using it recently to find issues in my own work.
Over all impression:
This story was not what I expected from the title, which made me expect to be frightened. Instead, I found it to be interesting with a sweet ending.
What I think would improve the story: Perhaps you could have had a man hitting on Sarah at the bar who secretly slips a "Bill Cosby" into her drink. She leaves the bar having no interest in the rude man but when she goes to bed the drug makes her dream terrifying things about the supposed hauntings. (Of course, you would make it seem as if it were not in a dream until she wakes from the scratching. That would give this the horror factor that would match the title.
Keep in mind that these ideas are only my opinions and are not meant to offend in any way.
This was a very interesting item on the Dr. I enjoyed reading it and was enlightened by it.
I actually have several books yet to read by him which I was unaware of until today, the reason being that I believed our public library to have all of them but that was not the case.
I also try to avoid children. I like watching them but I detest their crying over silly issues.
Poe is also one of my favorite authors so I enjoyed reading your paragraph on him.
One edit seems to be in order: His name Theodor does not have an "e" on the end. Seems odd though as it is the first time I have seen it spelled that way.
You could add a few points of interest to this item such as his work as a political cartoonist.
I wasn't expecting this yet was pleasantly surprised.
I have 9 years on you but had a totally different experience growing up. My dad was a minister in the seventies and served at a little country church in a town of about 1,000 people. One afternoon he was leading a small bible study when a strange man with a long knife came in and sat down in the circle of chairs. Somehow, he was able to distract the man and convinced him quite skillfully to leave. That was in 1977. In 1972, I was beaten up and knocked out by gangs on two different occasions while on my way to high school in broad daylight just outside of Chicago.
In 1966 at the age of ten, an off duty police officer grabbed me and started holding me under the water dozens of times at our public swimming pool, leaving me quite traumatized. So for me life has only been like "Leave it to Beaver" in short segments. I think the song has always been relevant for me and the world, the message more important, depending on where you lived in the 60's and 70's.
Your title is perfect for this item.
The only thing you might want to change would be regarding the song, as it was offered to Dionne but she turned it down. Jackie Deshannon sang it in 65. (My first wife was a Burt Bacharach fanatic). Hee hee! Here is the reference: http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=3820
I enjoyed this story. What I really liked was how you totally hid any suspicion from the readers till Kevin was missing after his sleep in the cabin.
I think that Jake holding the head was a good method for horror, yet, were the story real, I think he would have buried the head to cover up any evidence, IE.. dental records etc.. and packed an arm or leg in for the meal, as the head has little 'meat' on it. That would also possibly add a little more terror to the writ, leaving the reader to question if Jake severed the arm or leg while Kevin was still conscious, leaving him to bleed out in agony.
Everything else in the story was very well written ... yer mountain man slang, spot on, and the title which tells it all.
Hello J.R.Kane, I am offering my review of this item found on the "please review" page.
This was a very well written short story (in every way). It was quite human, having molded your character well.
The title is wonderful, yet the image of the spider gave the story away, (the only thing I didn't like about the project). ;)
Your use of adjectives was right on ... not overused as some writers do which often serves as a distraction to their readers.
The paragraphical structure is nice within the writ and I found no grammatical errors.
My favorite part:
"That was when it sprung.
A scream escaped her, then, shrill and blood-chilling. The disgusting thing landed on her right shoulder and bit. She screamed again and batted it away with one badly shaking hand. It landed on the shower floor with a chitinous rattle and scampered for the other side of the small, enclosed space.
Hyperventilating and crying, Andrea tried her best to press her naked flesh through the pores of the linoleum tiles. A sickly, unnatural heat radiated outward from where the monster had bitten her. The space inside the shower seemed to darken a shade, and suddenly her head and limbs felt heavy...incredibly, impossibly heavy...
Before she could register the horrific implications of this new development, her legs wobbled once, and then buckled at the knees. She felt her back sliding (and, in those places where the linoleum was still dry, dragging) down the wall. She landed on her tailbone with a wet thud that sent electric jolts of pain out into her extremities.
Through watering eyes, she saw the spider watching her. It crept forward."
This story reminded me of my friend Angus's work. That's a compliment because I feel that Angus is one of the best short horror writers at this site, or anywhere.
I will certainly keep my eyes out for your future and past items J.R.
If anyone suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis, I now have mine totally under control by drinking calcium bentonite clay water twice a week, or more if I'm working a bunch.
This stuff will be a regular part of my diet forever. I had arthritis so bad, that I had to climb up stairs one step at a time. One week of using the clay every day totally reversed the symptoms and removed 100% of the pain, so now I can jump around on the river rocks like I did as a teen. Just don't make the mistake of buying "sodium bentonite clay powder" get the "calcium based powder". Questions, JUST ASK. ;) PS, I don't sell it.
This item was pretty amusing. I enjoyed the sarcastic banter and the way you approached the death bringer with such disregard. It sort of reminded me of a scene from "Beetlejuice".
The dialog was captivating as your writs are usually. Dialog items are fun to write. My best is probably "I Need to Get Ahead", which is somewhat like this one.
The dichotomy of proper decor during Halloween has been quite controversial over the last several decades. What is appropriate for some may not be for others. The world is better if all forms of expression are allowed by law, yet as a society, we must be self policing when it comes to offending others. The placement and timing of horrible Halloween scenes should be done responsibly, yet in a world of humanity that is hard to achieve. We have a family that puts up a "zombie" nativity scene every Christmas, including a zombie baby Jesus. :O
The public protested to the extent that the officials made the originator remove the nativity, which was reconstructed soon after since it violated the US laws of freedom of expression (speech) and artistic license. This example reveals my point about self responsibility when it comes to holiday decency.
It's sad that this is a non fictional piece. You could say that this poor woman was "on the fence" about celebrating Halloween. (Sorry, I couldn't resist). ;)
When I was about 10, a girl from our neighborhood went missing near Halloween. After searching for a week or two, the authorities found her buried under two white boards in the form of an X in an abandoned lot. I remember walking by her home with a friend and commenting about the incident ... "that's the house where the dead girl lived". It was rather eerie at the time, especially since they had not found her killer.
The only thing that I would have liked to see in this item is more information about the gal on the fence. The omission of that info makes this story feel a little incomplete, yet I must say that it was an enjoyable read none the less.
Much could be added to this item, which though not necessary, might make it more demanding of your reader's consideration. Topics like razor blades in candy etc.. More information about inappropriate activities in the history of the Holiday.
It Has become a trend in the US for the horror of Halloween to be contained in specific venues such as theme parks. I attended one last year. It's a huge place with many terrifying haunted houses, factories, insane asylums, redneck tailor parks and other scary places. It was great fun, LOL! It's open from mid September through Nov.7th.
Greetings fellow members. I am wise with healing knowledge, a medicine man in my own community, people come to me with toothaches, headaches, infections, and muscle pains and I help them learn about ways to heal the symptoms naturally, rather than using the Big Pharma poisons to "mask their symptoms".
I am a licensed "Touch for Health" Massage therapist and foot reflexologist. My education in nutrition came Bill Vanderlaan, a previous president of the American Massage Therapy Association. He assisted athletes including John McEnrowe, the once renowned tennis player and many other professional athletes.
So if anyone has a question about health, I will be happy to offer assistance from my knowledge base if needed.
Barney and anyone dressed like him needs to be shot! I'm no fan of Sponge Bob either.
Since there were no high pitched, squeaky voices in your story and Barney kid may have been silenced, I liked your story. It is a truly wonderful "bad" story.
I assumed that Sammy was a little boy until you mentioned his age 2/3rds of the way into the item.
Thanks for the read. PS... you get 4 stars anyway.
A lovely Hiaku LinnAnn, possessing the traditional 5/7/5 format which I'm sad to say is being abolished in many circles, thus ending the rule challenge.
Our societies seem to be ignoring rules these days. ;(
I found your item on the please review page, so I'll offer my opinions.
I thought that this short story was well written structurally. The only thing I think would improve the item would be a short paragraph describing the countryside, IE: Is this part of Tennessee wooded, or is it farmland? Does it smell like cattle country? Is it made of rolling hills, or is it flat land? Are there lots of waterways with bridges? What is the population of Springfield? I would have also liked to know the age of the biker. Those descriptions would have helped me paint a better picture in my mind, making the story more identifiable mentally, especially to folks who are inclined to imagery. Of course this is only my opinion, so like it or not. ;)
The title although true to the text body is a smidge lackluster in my opinion, since it really didn't grab at me. I probably would have named it "A Risky Lesson in Thankfulness."
My favorite line was: "I brought my tire patch kit but left my air pump at home. How poetic."
Personally, I have a different view of this story, since I believe it is we ourselves who teach the lessons in life ... in this case the (self) lesson learned was to have better lighting for evening country rides and to be fully prepared for a flat tire. :D
As far as any assistance from Heaven goes, I would have to ascribe that task to the angels.
Finally, the message is a valuable one, since gratefulness is the catalyst of more abundant blessings.
I liked your story. ;) Hopefully, your mom had a sense of humor to balance out the stoic father syndrome.
Good title. Title's should always draw in the reader by making them ask a question, which this title does. ;)
Suggestions: If I may ... (my opinions, so like or not) ;)
Third line needs comma behind Hospital.
Next: (you wrote):
"So I'm singing along to some of the songs that I know. Looking over at my dad along the way. Watching him kinda sing along, but not wanting me to witness him doing it."
(I would do this): So I'm singing along to some of the songs that I know, while looking over at my dad along the way, watching him kinda sing along, but not wanting me to witness him doing it. (It's a long sentence, but the flow stays unbroken without the periods). ;)
Next: (you wrote): "It was such an adult father, daughter bonding moment we shared."
(I would write): That was such an adult father, daughter bonding moment we shared.
Next: (you wrote):"She's a control freak. And anyone who knows her, knows the way she is. But I still love my big sister. We've been through a lot."
(I would write): She's a control freak and anyone who knows her, knows the way she is, but I still love my big sister ... we've been through a lot. (again removing the periods for better flow).
Lastly: (you wrote): "As soon as the song was over he reaches over and turns the volume down to tell me."
(I would write): As soon as the song was finished, he reaches over and turns the volume down to tell me his thoughts.
(So I've avoided using the word "over" too close together in the same line, plus, I finished the sentence with an easier to understand ending).;)
My father / son moments were playing "Battleship" together. Whenever I sank one of his ships, he would call be a "dirty rat" and we would both laugh big time! :D
Dropped by your port today to find this description of life in the 50's
You did a good job remembering what life was like. I was born in 56 so life hadn't changed much. Good points about the simplicity and innocence of that age. The worst trouble kids got into was giving themselves a butchered haircut. :D Now they get pregnant and shoot people.
I was an expert at getting people's TV antennas to work better, LOL.
Well you certainly have the gift of making your stories feel like real events.
From start to finish you seem to weave this item with ease. I mean it almost looks like you didn't have to think much about the content, which is a real gift.
From the title to the very last sentence, I see nothing but genuine talent.
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I'm no fan of Sponge Bob either.
It is a truly wonderful "bad" story.
