Fifty things

Fifty things I want to do before I croak:

1. Be published.

2. Be physically fit.

3. Have a perfectly clean house.

4. Subscribe to all the magazines I want. Something to read coming to my house in steady increments with no effort on my part except sending a check is appealing.

5. Grow my hair down my back. I had it down to my behind when I was twelve, and I got talked into a haircut. I usually don't indulge in regrets: this is one of my few.

6. Have a dog named Snoopy. I have had several dogs, named Coco, Buffy, Molly, Scooby, Tinkerbell, and Katie. None of them seemed to invite the name Snoopy: it would have to be a white dog with a great big nose.

7. Live in tiny house after my kids move out. I have a nice-sized house now, which is good, since I have three children. When and if I wind up by myself, I want a little house with everything compact. I like the idea of dispensing with all non-essentials and traveling light in my old age. If I take a wild hair to drive 500 miles to someplace I've never visited, I'm not worrying about houseplants or fish.

8. Go to London, and see the Sherlock Holmes museum at 221B Baker Street.

9. Own a luxury car. All I have ever had were grocery-getters.

10. Dye my hair red. Or platinum blonde, I can't decide which.

11. Go to Fudpuckers. All my life I have seen people wearing those T-shirts that say, "You ain't been pucked if you ain't been Fudpucked."

12. Rent all the movies I have always wanted to watch; I don't have time now that I have a full-time job and three children who are on three different athletic teams.

13. Go to Washington, D. C. and Philadelphia, PA. I'd like to see the historical places from the birth of my country.

14. Own a bookstore. I'm thinking of a clever name for it, like BookMarket, which sounds like bookmark it. This is pretty good, actually, I may stick with it. I want to see if I can surround myself with books until I get sick of them - I doubt it.

15. Read a Faulkner book. He and I are from the same state, so I feel obligated to read just one. All I have read by him is a short story, "A Rose for Emily." (Coincidence: my daughter's name is Emily Rose.) I have read other Mississippians' works: Willie Morris, Eudora Welty (or Miss Eudora, as we call her), and John Grisham. I can't get around to Faulkner, for some reason. When I'm old, this will keep me alive: I'll think, "I can't die yet, I haven't read Faulkner."

16. Watch all of Gone With the Wind in one sitting.

17. Have a perfect pair of jeans.

18. Learn to maintain my serenity no matter what.

19. Have peace at all times.

20. Don't live "under the circumstances."

21. Have a matching set of dishes.

22. Find a group. When I was in college, the cafeteria was called "The Commons." The group I ate supper with every night called themselves "The Commoners." I fit into this group so well they were like extensions of me. When I transferred, I lost touch with them. If I'd known I'd never find another group I fit into as well, I would have made it my business to keep up with them.

23. Have a garden.

24. Learn all the football positions. As someone who grew up in the American South, it's shameful that I don't know the details of playing football. However, as Naomi Judd said, "I know a good tight end when I see one."

25. Have a brand-name purse that I didn't get at a yard sale. I love yard sales because I'm frugal (this sounds better than stingy, which is what I really am). I've found some brand-name purses at yard sales. This should tell me something, I suppose. Fashionable clothes don't turn me on, but a brand-name purse from an actual store does. I don't have any idea what name I want, mind you.

26. Stop being so skeptical of everybody. This is probably why I don't have a group.

27. Learn Italian. Go to Italy. Find a nice Italian man to flirt with. (Just kidding, hubby, you know you're the light of my life. Heh heh.)

28. Ride in a hot-air balloon.

29. Learn to paint.

30. Take piano lessons.

31. Be more outgoing.

32. Give a speech without fear.

33. Go back to college and just take what looks interesting.

34. See the lions in front of the New York Public Library.

35. Be as elegant as Audrey Hepburn.

36. Watch every single episode of Boston Legal (William Shatner is so delightfully weird) and Star Trek, The Next Generation (Captain Picard is who made me decide I like bald men).

37. Learn to parallel park.

38. Age gracefully.

39. Ride a unicycle. There was a unicycle at a yard sale once years ago that I didn't buy. Another regret.

40. Spend all day making the perfect spaghetti.

41. Either always tell the truth or learn how to lie with a straight face.

42. Stop spending even one second in the company of people I dislike.

43. Visit a lighthouse.

44. Learn to go the doctor as soon as I get sick, so I won't be miserable as long. (My notorious frugality again.)

45. Become a missionary. Dedication to being religious for a time would be refreshing. I considered being a nun, but too much water may have gone under the bridge of my life for that. Will they let you stop being a nun? Do you have to shave your head? Hmmm. A missionary sounds better.

46. Watch the sunset. Watch the grass grow. Take it easy more than I'm doing now.

47. Get a smashing haircut instead of going to the cheapest place.

48. Climb a mountain. It could be a short mountain - I'm not that ambitious.

49. Get to the point where I can stop wearing a watch.

50. Try every flavor at Baskin-Robbins.

I decided to turn my thoughts to the other side of the coin, as well, so don't think you're through, yet. Keep reading for . . .

What it wouldn't bother me NOT to ever do:

1. Go skiing.

2. Celebrate my 100th birthday. Who wants to live that long?

3. Meet any celebrities.

4. Bungee-jump. People who do this should have "I'm stupid" tattooed on their foreheads.

5. Go to Disneyworld/land. Getting in the gate for one day costs as much as my car. Then you stand in line for hours for some carnival rides. I confess that I don't see the appeal. Getting to see Mickey and Goofy isn't an incentive.

6. Eat sushi.

7. Join Oprah's Book Club.

8. Jog.

9. Run for office.

10. Receive another memo.

11. Run a marathon.

12. Drive a Hummer. People who do this should have "Macho" tattooed on their foreheads.

13. Become famous.

14. Vote in another presidential election.

Now, your job is to e-mail me and tell me what your things are that you want to do. What are you waiting for? Get going!