Lesson 7/Discussion 7-Brandy

LESSON 7-ASSIGNMENT 1


Sentence Examples for Assignment Part 1:    Black (Original), Blue (finished sentence)

1. Jeff, one of the biggest men you could imagine, walked heavily through the antique store, while Ginnie's eyes looked quickly at each item left quivering in his wake.

1. Jeff plodded through Ginnie’s antique store, leaving her uneasy as each footstep brought forth the squeaking of floor panels and the clinking of china. 
***
2. The big fuzzy dog lazily fell to the floor.

2. Shaggy collapsed onto the rug in a heap of fur, belly exposed in hopes of an idle scratch from his master but too exhausted to seek affection. 
***
3. A dirty homeless man walked across the street slowly, as the large crowd of people quickly walked around him.

3. The vagabond staggered across the street, repelling pedestrians in their hurry to dodge his stench and accusations of conspiracy.
***
4. The pretty girl who sits at the front desk and answers the phone, carefully typed a letter quitting her job to her big fat employer.

4. Repulsed by her employer’s appearance, the vixen punctuated each word of her final letter and answered each call, lips smacking a wad of gum.
***
5. The mean looking, bald cop, a really little guy, loudly told us to move quickly from the area.

5. The napoleonic cop with an attitude shouted as he hustled us away from the area.
***
6. The thin taxi driver suddenly braked, causing Beth, his passenger, a blonde haired, blued-eyed woman, to rapidly react.

6. Admiring his passenger’s azure eyes, the scrawny taxi driver braked without warning, causing Beth, his passenger, to shield her platinum cemented hairdo from being flattened upon impact.
***
7. When Ted walked in I noticed right away that he was dressed impeccably, but when he started talk I hastily moved away, as his breath was very bad.

7. I noticed Ted as he strutted toward me, hands in his Armani suit like he was modeling on the runway.  Too bad my infatuation ended the moment his breath assaulted my nostrils. 

***
8. Nancy, the oldest woman in our office, works very diligently, and faithfully arrives early every day.

8. Nancy, six months shy of retirement, has always been the poster child for diligence and punctuality.
***
9. Sally sat silently, waiting for someone else to speak first.

9. Sally allowed the pregnant pause in the room to give birth and its child to graduate from high school, so afraid she was to be the first to spark the conversation. 
***
10. I anxiously waited for my brown-eyed, beefy husband to get home, so I could happily tell him the news.

10.  I fumbled with the test stick, rehearsing the words I would say to surprise my husband when he arrived home, “So, my handsome hunk of a man, you think our baby will have brown eyes like yours or blue ones like mine?”
***
11. Carlita walked silently through the pitch black of the deserted, empty house, fingers pushing lightly on each closed door.

11. Carlita crept through the house, fingers outstretched in her effort to read the Braille of woodgrain on each door.  Silence, while being pursued, was a must.  Her  escape demanded that she remain invisible to her assailant’s ears more so than his eyes.
***
12. John hurriedly ate his burger and fries.

12. John inhaled his burger and fries as if gasping for breath. 
***
13. The little brown-eyed girl quietly moved behind the couch to hide from her big brother.

13. The girl thought she was invisible as she crawled behind the couch to elude her brother but, having more experience in this game, he knew to listen for her giggle’s and squeaks. 
***
14. She wrote the report unusually neatly.

14. Her English grade in the balance, she took pains to form each letter, dot every “i” and, for once, she was conscious of where her elbow was at all times, in an effort to prevent the paper from creasing beneath her arm. 

***
15. I was visibly upset when the big scary man looked at me with evil eyes.

15.  The man was evil personified.  His eyes remained burned in my memory long after the hair on my neck returned to its natural position and my teeth were no longer chattering our encounter.



ASSIGNMENT 2-

IMPROVED VERSION (HOPEFULLY)
Jake was anxious to begin.  Glancing at the clock, he realized he had thirty minutes left of drawing time before his mom finished her shift.  He retrieved his thin markers and sketch pad from his satchel and opened the Handbook of the Royal Entomological Society Mr. Benton gave him.  He replaced the markers.  The detail of the insects called for a finer point.  He fished for the Rapidograph set his Art teacher, Ms. Wilson, gave him when she learned he would be moving.  What an artist she was.  She understood him, not like the rest of his teachers, especially Ms. Anderson.

Thinking of Ms. Wilson made him want to succeed here.  Before this moment, Jake would have traded his soul to be back at Jackson High School.  He wasn’t popular but he did have his clan, kids with notebooks and backpacks littered with little drawings. Then there were the band geeks and the Mensa kids.  They formed an impenetrable bubble where he was allowed to be smart and be himself. 

Now, he was trapped in Mayberry where he had to act like he was an idiot for fear of being called a nerd, or even worse, a freak.  Okay, perhaps he was overzealous in his attempts to understate his talents.  He thought Art would be his haven.  Then he met Ms. Anderson.  Ms. Anderson was the substitute teacher who was in charge of sucking the spirits out of her artistic students, what few there were.  She was devoid of humor.  In a flash of inspiration, Jake embellished his final exam assignment, a still life portrait of a vase and fruit, with a scene that would have done Ray Bradbury proud.  It was a masterpiece.  He called it “Food Network’s Newest Sensation: Cooking with Aliens”.  Next thing he knew, Ms. Anderson was shaking her head and stroking an F on her grade book beside his name.    Jake Edwards flunked an art class.  He could see the headlines now.  Ms. Wilson would have smacked him over the head with her lesson book if she knew about this.  She also would have cracked up at the painting.  She appreciated humor.  Expected it, even.  But she didn’t tolerate wasting one’s talents.  Maybe Mr. Benton’s project would redeem him in the eyes of the Art gods, and his own. 

As Jake detailed the thorax of a red wasp, it struck him how much this creature looked like an alien.  He fantasized about joining the ranks of the geniuses who research and illustrate insects.  He wasn’t obsessed over money or fame but had no interest in peddling still life’s 
of groceries and vessels at the town square, hoarding pennies for soup. 

Jake leaned the chair back on two legs, admiring the similarity between his drawing and the diagram of the Polistes Carolina.  He was anxious to hear Mr. Benton’s response but he managed to restrain his instinct to sprint back to Mr. Benton’s apartment.  He refused to be chastised for being an impatient teenager twice in the same afternoon.  Impatience and a mortal intolerance of boredom were his Achilles heels, he had to admit.  But this time, it was different.  His impatience was coming from a place of anticipation, the chance to use his talents and be appreciated for his abilities.  He was astonished at how alien that concept had become for him.

Jake closed the text book and his sketchpad and prepared for his mother’s summons at the end of her shift.  He couldn’t believe he was enjoying his punishment and decided to keep that revelation to himself for now.  Someday, he thought, he would reminisce about this nine-week incarceration at Sunset Manor, otherwise known as the Home for Unappreciated Antiquarians.  It would signify the end of his days of disillusionment.  If he planned to shuck his image as the town slacker dude, he figured it was time to muster enough ambition to pass his Algebra class.  If he turned in some homework, he might even ace it.  Wonder what Ms. Anderson and her cronies would think of that.  Then again, who cares what they think?  It was his life, not theirs, right? 


ORIGINAL VERSION

      Jake couldn’t wait to start.  Glancing at the clock, he noticed he had another 30 minutes until his mother would be finished with her shift.  He pulled out his sketch pad and charcoal pencils and started drawing.  It was all wrong; too thick and messy for the tiny details in the book.  He dug way down to the bottom of his bag for the colored technical drawing pen set his art teacher from his old school gave him when his mother withdrew him.  Until that moment, all he wanted to do was go back to his old school where he fit in, not with everyone but at least with the art kids.  They didn’t have art kids here, just people who took art thinking it was an easy elective.  It was easy for some.  It was hard for Jake to have to make himself look average to avoid looking like a freak.  And then he still got an F because he must have dumbed himself down a little too much. 

    He was in the middle of drawing the thorax of a red wasp when it dawned on him that these bugs aren’t a far cry from the aliens he has been drawing.  He laughed as he thought of what he might be doing with Mr. Benton.  Wouldn’t it be funny if he became an illustrator for some of the most brilliant scientists.  It would show Ms. Anderson that there were jobs to be had drawing alien looking bugs.  He would surely make more money than those starving artists who all think people actually want the same “vase with fruit” picture people have painted for hundreds of years. 

    Jake was proud of his first drawing and looked forward to showing it to Mr. Benton the next day.  He was thinking about running back over there to let him look at some of his other drawings but thought of that comment he made about Jake being impatient.  Well, he had to admit he was a little impatient.  But only when he was passionate about something and someone else was standing in his way. 




Discussion Topic:Lesson 7

  What have you discovered about your writing after completing the lesson?

I used a lot of passive verbs. That was the main thing I noticed. I also need to be more aware of long sentences and try to tighten them up.  This can be done by condensing an adjective/noun pairing with a better noun to start with -same for verbs.  It made me think about what I was actually trying to convey, not just the words that came out of my head and onto the screen.  I was a little confused in this lesson with when something was an adjective and when it was so connected with the noun that it was part of the noun itself.  Like "colored pencils" or Art teacher/art class.  There are some categories that are needed to describe a concept.  For instance, a genius (in art) who is a kid could be an artistic kid and gifted child doesn't let folks know the child is gifted in art.  Anyway, there were areas in assignment where I felt my hands were tied and it sounded fake after I reworked it to be without adverbs or adjectives.

  Were you surprised to find so many adverbs and unnecessary adjectives sprinkled throughout your work?

No, because I tend to avoid the obvious ones if I can, such as "the red book" or "she happily played the piano." Its the more hidden and maybe even lazier sounding mistakes that are general and not colorful such as passive voice/verbs.  I remember editing my college lit mag and it drove me crazy when people felt like a verb or noun without an adverb or adjective was as shameful as standing in the public square bare naked.  When I feel compelled to use one, or when it occurs accidentally, and then re-read it, the words jump out at me.  Then the trick is to reword it so you give the reader the gist without just saying it.  On the flip side, perhaps a few wouldn’t hurt to give the reader some direction along the way.  Plus, in dialogue we are representing what others are saying and I think people speak with much less colorful language than they write.  ie "hand me that book over there" rather than "I asked her to hand me the red leather book"         

  Will you recognize them more often now in your work and the work you review for others?


  I will definitely recognize adjectives and adverbs as well as the ways they can be changed to be more action oriented or descriptive as a noun without the needed the adjectives.  Just doing part two of this assigment, I realized that reviewing a chapter or page can not only clean the page and make it more concise, but it also sparks my imagination and causes me to become unstuck.  I thought this lesson would end up shortening the passage I chose.  I ended up writing almost twice what I had originally.  I fear I might have more than one adjective and adverb but I hope they are much less obvious. 


Click on the links below and read them. After reading them, consider these statements:
Many writers are defensive of their adverbs and want to justify their place in their work.
Not all adverbs and adjectives should be removed from your work, but the more concrete the image you create, the stronger your writing will become.  Do you agree? If not explain why.


As a poet, I have a message get out but I am not married to the vehicle I use to get the message to the reader.  In poetry, folks argue about rhyming or not, conventional spacing or all over the page, etc.  To me, it doesn't matter what vehicle the message rides in.  It matters if someone can read it, make sense out of it, and receive the message I am sending. 

I feel the same about my prose writing.  Prose still should have some cadence or flow to it and too many adjectives interrupts the flow.  If someone said I needed to take out some adjectives and find a more descriptive noun that encompassed the adjective, that would be fine with me.  I am not married to the particular words in prose as much as making it sound good if read out loud and getting the point across. 

However, if replacing nouns and verbs with more concise ones sounds fake in a dialogue or sounds like you are puffing up your writing to sound "literary", then maybe there is a need to leave in a few "common" ones such as "the old man" because, frankly, it conveys a point.  Saying "See that octagenarian over there, he's my gramps".  To me, saying "see that old man over there, that's my grandfather"  would flow much better and sound more realistic.  It all depends on who's doing the dialogue and the context within which the story is written. 

Its enough to say that we need to examine each adverb and adjective in our writing, especially the ones that have two adjectives before the noun or ones that jump out at us or other readers.  Then, if we find a suitable alternative that would strengthen the sentence, terriffic.  We should change it.  However, if the alternatives we consider fail to improve the situation, either we need to leave the old one in or just totally reword the sentence so it doesn't include the troublesome pairing. 

Basically, we need to know the rules to break them.  We need to consider the whole piece, who is talking and whether or not we can find a good substitute.  But first we need to write it down, without being self conscious about every word we write. If we were, we'd never get a page written from fear of making an adjective transgression.  On the flip side, if we study active verbs and are more aware at the start, perhaps we can catch ourselves on our first draft and make some replacements at the beginning, without being overly self conscious. 
                       

 


FOR ACTUAL LESSON-SEE BELOW

LESSON 7
Hold the philosophy, hold the adjectives,
just give us a plain subject and verb
and perhaps a wholesome, nonfattening adverb or two
Larry McMurtry, author of 27 novels and winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Lonesome Dove

Adjectives & Adverbs
Modifiers

In the previous lesson we learned the difference between abstract and concrete words. If the concept is not clear in your mind then please refresh your memory with a quick re-read of the material. 
This lesson expands on word usage for descriptive writing. Understanding why and where to use specific words is an important tool when creating a readable and credible story.
In order to explain the material I am forced to subject you to a grammar refresher.
        Believe me, I am not a Grammar Queen, and if it weren't necessary, I wouldn't do it.
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When we were in elementary school, our teachers taught us to utilize
        adjectives and adverbs generously in our writing.
If you look at the average grade school student's story, you will find something a lot like this:
The heavy, short woman talked loudly and angrily with the tall, nice man.

I have added color to the sentence above so you can recognize the
          adjectives and adverbs.
The sentence is correct grammatically, but reads more like a diagram,
        and less like a piece of descriptive writing.
  Unfortunately, novice writers often fall into the same trap, using excessive adjectives          and adverbs instead of strong concrete language.
  Publishable fiction writing must draw the reader into the story, with concrete imagery,
        not tell what is taking place.
  It is not an action sequence in a movie, it is an experience.
  ~~`    ~~~    ~~~    ~~~    ~~~    ~~~    ~~~ 
 
As Strunk and White put it, "The adjective hasn't been built
that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place."
~~Lynch guide to grammar and style

ADJECTIVES

An adjective is a word that describes a noun or a pronoun
It's job is to answer which one, how many, or what kind.
Some examples:
the big one        eight ducks      a succesful son

Most adjectives can also go in the predicate position after the verb:
"This one is big; "That son is successful.

In our daily communications with one another, we use a variety of adjectives.
Many of these are relative adjectives - words like tall -  short -  big -  little -  easy -  hard ... you get the idea.
  All too often, the way in which these words are used tends to assume some prior knowledge by the writer, and therefore may not be as descriptive or as useful as the author may have intended.
  The writer should look for concrete nouns that have impact and serve the reader an effective image.
  If you choose nouns that carry their own weight they will not need the adjective to carry them.

A large stream                      A river
Almost a hurricane                A gale
Extreme fear                          Terror
A loud voice                          A shout

  Many adjectives are necessary for descriptive writing, but more times than not they add nothing special or interesting to the concrete images you are writing for the reader.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Mark Twain once said,
"Adverbs are the tool of the lazy writer."
   
ADVERBS

Adverbs, usually modify verbs
Their job is to answer in what manner  to what degree  when  how  how many times
Some examples:
He spoke loudly    I'll be there tomorrow  We dried it twice

Sometimes adverbs modify not verbs but adjectives or other adverbs:
1.  She finished very quickly
  - very modifies the adverb quickly, which in turn modifies the verb finished
2.  The work was clearly inadequate
  - clearly modifies the adjective inadequate, which in turn modifies work

  The easiest way to spot adverbs is to look for the telltale -ly suffix.
Be careful, though; not all adverbs end in -ly, and not all -ly words are adverbs.

Soon, twice and never, for instance, are adverbs (they tell when or how often);
friendly, ugly, and northerly are adjectives (they modify nouns).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adverbs Modify Verbs - But Why?

Adverbs modify your verbs because your verbs are weak.
A strong statement, I know, but if you are serious about improving your writing,
and plan on getting published someday, then you should follow the advice I'm sharing with you.
This lesson beyond all others will make the largest difference in your future work.
Editors and publishers will look past alot of issues when reviewing for publication,
but if they receive a piece chock full of adverbs and adjectives, into the trash can it will go.

In elementary school, you learned about adverbs and adjectives.
Your teacher may have enjoyed reading how Spot the dog quickly and playfully chased the ball, but they have limited space in our fiction writing.

Verbs show the action in your story, and if your verbs are boring or ordinary, your action might be as well.
  A lack of a diverse vocabulary can keep a fiction writer using adverbs.
  Thinking of other descriptive words besides happily...slowly...carefully...angrily is hard work.

  Using adverbs in fiction writing is a simple way to paint a picture for your audience.
        However, it does not always paint an exciting picture.
  Learning to use action to replace adverbs in fiction writing will spice up your
        story and engage the reader.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adjectives and Adverbs, the poor man's substitute for good description
~~ anonymous
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How to Use Action to Replace Adverbs
   
ACTIVE VERBS

It is possible to add an adverb to any action in your fiction writing. It will describe the action and create an image for your readers. However, you can create a more specific and stronger emotional/sensory image with active verbs.

Example: The boy ran quickly.
In this example, you can see that the boy is running. The adverb tells you that he is running quickly as opposed to slowly.
  Deleting the adverb and modifying the verb to a more active/descriptive verb will bring more action and imagery to your writing.

Corrected Example: The boy sprinted. (sprinted is the active verb)
These simple examples form pictures in your mind. In the first, you have a boy running fast.
In the second, the action verb sprinted tells you that the boy is running as fast as he can.
It imparts more information than the adverb and creates a concrete image in the reader's mind.

Example: The man walked angrily across the floor.
First of all, angrily just sounds wrong.
Secondly, it tells the reader how the man walked, but does nothing to engage them.
Replacing the adverb with some definite action satisfies the fiction writer's need to show and not tell.

Corrected Example:
The man stomped across the floor, fists clenched and arms swinging back and forth by his side.
Which one gives you a better picture of what is really happening? Do you see how much stronger the word stomped is than walked? Do you see the clenched fists & his arms swinging?
The first one tells you the man is angry, the second one puts you in the scene, watching the man walk, and the reader forms a picture in their head.

  Some stylistic advice: go easy on the adjectives and adverbs.
          It would be foolish to cut them out altogether, but many people overuse them.
  If you find a list of more than one adjective or adverb in your work,
          remove all but the most descriptive one.
  Too many adjectives and adverbs tend to make your writing sound stilted
          or faux-poetic, and they rarely add much precision.
  The nouns and verbs are the words that should be doing the hard work,
          with adjectives and adverbs playing only a supporting role.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before beginning the assignments take a look at this example 

ID: 1496571  (Rated: 13+)
Title: Working out Adverbs & Adjectives 
Description: Example of how remove adverbs & adjectives
By: Boo's girl (52)  bouiesgirll





Preferred Author

Offline or Private

Est. May 11, 2007

 


This page offers further explanation on using adverbs and adjectives!

By eliminating words that don't add anything to your piece,
          you'll speed up the pace of your writing while making it more direct.
  Your readers will appreciate your effort here, as it saves them the trouble
          of reading things that don't add to the experience.
  Basically, if your story was a steak, you're giving them more meat and less fat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Assignment 1

1.  Read the following sentences and remove the adjectives and adverbs.

2.  Then take each sentence and re-write it without the modifiers,
          adding concrete nouns and active verbs to replace the adjectives and adverbs.

3.  Copy and paste the assigned examples and your amended sentences
          in the finished lesson so we can compare them.

  You do not have to post your entire explanation of the amended sentence as your answer like I have in the example below.
It is simply an example to show you how the process works.
  I only expect the first example and your amended sentence posted in the forum.

Here is an example of the lesson I expect you to turn in   
EXAMPLE TO AMEND:
Megan ran quickly down the dirty street, rounded the corner at a lightning pace, and hurdled mightily over a big, brown puddle.
                        By trimming the excess modifiers out,
                            the sentence will be more enjoyable to read.
                        Also, stronger and more unique modifiers can be used
                              instead of words such as big,
                            in order to give the sentence a little extra kick.
Here's the new version:
Megan ran down the cluttered street, zipped through the corner, and hurdled over an immense puddle.
Let's discuss the changes!
1. The first change was to remove the adjective quickly, because it is utterly useless.
The verb running implies quickly anyway (is it possible for someone to not run quickly?)
2. The second change was to replace the common adjective dirty with something a little less overused, cluttered.
3. The third change was to replace the modifying phrase at a lightning pace with a stronger verb up front, zipped.
4. The fourth change was to remove the adverb mightily, because the verb hurdled is strong enough by itself.
5. The final change was to consolidate the two adjectives in front of puddle,
big, brown, into one stronger one, immense.
The idea of the puddle being dirty is lost, but puddles are dirty by nature, therefore a dirty puddle is redundant.
  In general, it's not a good idea to try to describe a word
          with more than one adjective, because the string of commas gets tedious.

Sentence Examples for Assignment Part 1:

1. Jeff, one of the biggest men you could imagine, walked heavily through the antique store, while Ginnie's eyes looked quickly at each item left quivering in his wake.
2. The big fuzzy dog lazily fell to the floor.
3. A dirty homeless man walked across the street slowly, as the large crowd of people quickly walked around him.
4. The pretty girl who sits at the front desk and answers the phone, carefully typed a letter quitting her job to her big fat employer.
5. The mean looking, bald cop, a really little guy, loudly told us to move quickly from the area.
6. The thin taxi driver suddenly braked, causing Beth, his passenger, a blonde haired, blued-eyed woman, to rapidly react.
7. When Ted walked in I noticed right away that he was dressed impeccably, but when he started talk I hastily moved away, as his breath was very bad.
8. Nancy, the oldest woman in our office, works very diligently, and faithfully arrives early every day.
9. Sally sat silently, waiting for someone else to speak first.
10. I anxiously waited for my brown-eyed, beefy husband to get home, so I could happily tell him the news.
11. Carlita walked silently through the pitch black of the deserted, empty house, fingers pushing lightly on each closed door.
12. John hurriedly ate his burger and fries.
13.The little brown-eyed girl quietly moved behind the couch to hide from her big brother.
14. She wrote the report unusually neatly.
15. I was vivisbly upset when the big scary man looked at me with evil eyes.

  The thing to remember is this: Use specific NOUNS and VERBS to do most of your work.
  Don't be lazy and coat everything with adverbs and adjectives. Use those sparingly.
        I'm not saying they don't have a place. They do.
  But when overused, it is a sure sign of amateurish writing. Worse, your work won't leave the same impression on the reader as ones where the author is using specific nouns and verbs to tell his story... to SHOW his story.
  If you have trouble understanding and/or completing the assignment, write  Boo's girl (52)  bouiesgirll





Preferred Author

Offline or Private
Last On: Today

Est. May 11, 2007

    and we will figure it out.
  I expect you to ask for help if you're not sure, and not turn in something substandard.

I read a line recently in a published novel that had a prepositional phrase, a subject, and an object, all so heavily described that I had to read the sentence over THREE times before I saw what the author was trying to say. What was the important part. Yes, we want to "paint a picture" for the reader, but be judicious in what you're showing him.
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Assignment 2

1. Look through your port for a story or use one or two of the assignments you've created for this class.
(I know every one of you has turned in work chock full of modifiers)
Take the passage or page of sentences you have chosen and get a piece of paper handy, or open up your writing program on your computer.

2. Remove every adjective and adverb from the post and list them in two columns
(one adverbs, one for adjectives).

Then, reread the passage outloud. Does it still make sense?
Is the main thrust of your sentence or passage still there?

3. Now, take the list of adjectives and adverbs and read through them.
Cross out each cliche or abstract term and replace it with something less expected.

4.Now, reinsert them into your post and read it outloud again.
How does it read now?

5. Now remove every noun and verb from your post and list them.
Read through the list and cross out each abstract or common one and replace it with something more concrete, or more action related.

6. Reinsert them into your post and reread it outloud. How does it read now?

Now rewrite the entire post from scratch with the following rule:
          You may only use one adjective or adverb (each) in your submission.
  You'll find that this forces you to use stronger, more active verbs and concrete nouns.
        Instead of "the thin, willowy tree" it becomes, "the willow tree"; instead of "he ran quickly" it becomes, "he sprinted".

  Your final post in the forum should be the original sentence/scene/ short story and then your final draft.
  You do not have to post the entire exercise of removing and editing. I will leave it up to you to follow the directions above and turn in your best work.
  I expect at least 300 words in your submission, whether it is a list of sentences or a short story you found in your port.
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  It is imperative you complete the assignments before the Discussion Topic!

Discussion Topic:

  What have you discovered about your writing after completing the lesson?
  Were you surprised to find so many adverbs and unnecessary adjectives sprinkled throughout your work?
  Will you recognize them more often now in your work and the work you review for others?

  Click on the links below and read them. After reading them, consider these statements:
          Many writers are defensive of their adverbs and want to justify their place in their work.
  Not all adverbs and adjectives should be removed from your work, but the more concrete the image you create, the stronger your writing will become.
Do you agree? If not explain why.

http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art50804.asp


Let's practice some more with the concept that modifiers
{adjectives & adverbs} can make or break our work.
Consider the following three paragraphs.

1. The Elementary School Story
Jim, a brown-haired and brown-eyed man, about five foot nine and chubby, drove slowly down the street. He was coming to pick up Lisa, his red-haired, buxom girlfriend who was sitting quietly on the porch, in front of her red brick home.

2. Just the Facts
Jim drove down the street. He was coming to pick up his girlfriend, Lisa, who was sitting on her porch.

3. Good Descriptive Writing
Jim cruised down the street in his convertible, the breeze ruffling his wavy brown hair. A smile lifted his cheeks when he spotted Lisa waiting for him on her front porch. She raised her head, flicked her red hair over her shoulder and waved. Jim sucked in his gut as he shut the car door, once more amazed that such a beautiful woman wanted to be with him.

  Sample One utilizes adjectives and adverbs to describe the scene.
You learn that Jim has brown hair, brown eyes, is chubby, etc. Some may consider that this is painting a clear picture for the reader. In truth, it is providing too many unimportant details.
Does it matter to the story that Jim has brown hair and brown eyes?

  Sample Two states what is happening, but that is it. It does nothing to engage the reader, give any insight into the characters, or create any interest in knowing what might happen next. It's boring.

  Sample Three demonstrates the use of stronger verbs and nouns, instead of adjectives and adverbs, to create a realistic scene. This paragraph gives the information that Jim has brown hair, and is a bit chubby, but it does it in a way that engages the reader. A lot of men, less than enthusiastic about their waistlines, understand and sympathize with Jim sucking in his gut as he goes to pick up his girlfriend.

  The most important difference about this last paragraph is that it delves into the emotions and intentions behind the action, not just the action itself, or the physical descriptions of the characters.

  When writing fiction with the purpose of appealing to a wide variety of people, not only elementary school teachers, it is important to cut out as many adjectives and adverbs as you can.
  Interjecting action into the description, - i.e. the breeze ruffling Jim's brown hair - invites the reader into the experience.
  Creating a scene around the perceptions of the reader is much more effective than simply answering the questions what, where, when, how, and why