Limericks Mk IV

MARITAL DISHARMONY



“That’s more than enough,” screamed his wife.

“You’ve had the best part of my life.

Now go take a jump,

you useless great lump

or I’ll cut off your balls with a knife.”



TEMPUS FUGIT



I know time is slipping away

And my motto should be “Seize the day”

But I’ve so much to do

Writing limericks, too

That there isn’t much time left to play.



ANATOMY LESSON Part 1



I’ve two eyes and two ears and a nose.

Ten fingers and likewise, ten toes.

A mouth and a chin

But my hair’s getting thin

Nose hairs? I’ve got plenty of those!



ANATOMY LESSON Part 2



And now that my hair’s going grey

Well, closer to white I should say

It will start to fall out

Of that I’ve no doubt

But I won’t wear a toupee, no way.



PROPOSAL Part 1



I walked down the street in a daze

I’m so worried I can’t count the ways

I’d been down on my knees

And my girlfriend said “Please

let’s get married in just a few days.”



PROPOSAL Part 2



“It’s too soon,” cried my mum in a state

“I’d hoped you’d be able to wait.”

“I’d love to,” I sighed

“but my beautiful bride

has told me she’s thirty days late.”



HOW TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE



They tell me that lying’s a sin

likewise, drowning your mother in gin.

Ten commandments will tell

how to stay out of hell

but knock loud enough, and you’re in!



JUST ONE KISS



Come give me a kiss, my sweet maid

and don’t be alarmed or afraid.

“Oh no sir, I can’t

I promised my aunt.

Besides, I’m too young to get laid.”