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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item.php/item_id/1939365-PERSONA-NON-GRATIS-A-DATING-SITE
by Rick H
Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Comedy · #1939365
A web site advertisement illuninating the advantages of dating a stalker!
Persona Non Grata

Home Of The Socially Invisible


The Dating Site Where You Too
Can Feel Like A Celebrity!



         Do you long for attention? Tired of being alone? Feeling insignificant? Secretly wish you were popular? Are you too genetically challenged to get a first date? Are you so unattractive even your dog is afraid to get near you? Are you overwhelmed by the demands of a traditional relationship? Do you desire a relationship without being obligated to all the messy details?

         Do you wish you could eliminate the expenses and energy of wining and dining, and entertaining your dates? Are you tired of the pressure having to have obligatory sex and the risk of contracting an STD? Are you consciously, chronically, and contently selfish? Are you completely devoid of social grace, wit, and charm? If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions then you’ve come to the right web site!

Welcome to Persona Non Grata!


         We here at Persona Non Grata understand how intimidating personal profiles can be for your type. Other popular and traditional dating sites thoroughly screen their clients. Some of these dating sites have a forty page screening process. Rest assured, no one here at Persona Non Grata could possibly meet their criteria, and we know you can't either. However, none of those things matter here at Persona Non Grata. We have lowered our standards just as you have!

         You will be happy to note, we now have the lowest industry standards in the dating world! We have file cabinets full of certified letters verifying this! Many of these registered letters were sent by major consumer groups, national law enforcement officials and other government entities! Being at the absolute bottom of the dating industry has not been an easy task to accomplish, but our accomplishment merely shows the dedication we extend toward you, our unpopular and socially defunct clients.

         Yes, here at Persona Non Grata, no one is too wretched or socially unacceptable to meet our incredibly low standards. You have our promise on that! You can also rest assured, we will never raise our standards, as long as you are a paid in full member. All types of the socially challenged are welcome here at Persona Non Grata, the Home of the Socially Invisible and Discarded!

         Believe me when I tell you, we can help you rise in social stature! We will boost your social standing! We eliminate all personal responsibilities and requirements of a traditional relationship! All this can be yours for our new, low, low, introductory price of $49.95

         We, here at Persona Non Grata, will make you feel and appear as one of Hollywood’s elite! How can we do this incredible transformation at such an outstanding price, you ask? The answer is really quite simple. We will reveal to you, Dear Desperately Lonely One, a well-known, but underutilized fact. In addition, our website and staff offers you far more than this vital information at no additional cost, with your paid in full membership of course!

         On behalf of all paying clients, we extensively search the Federal Justice Department data base, the Predatory Register, as well state, county and local jail and court records, to pair you with your very own Personal Stalker!

         It is a well-known fact, popular people, Hollywood Stars, Professional Athletes, and the occasional Politician are usually the people who attain the esteemed social stature of having their very own stalker. We here at Persona Non Grata feel this is a very unfair, and quite honestly, an ineffectual social practice as well.

         Rarely, if ever, do these highbrow people appreciate the work, the dedication, the hours, and attention to detail, these stalkers devote to their chosen profession. We here at Persona Non Grata are out to change that! How can we do this you ask? Simple! We strive pair the desperately lonely with certifiable people who have a real compulsion to lavish attention on somebody, on anybody! Yes, we aim to show the true value of these sulking souls! Persona Non Grata is standing in the gap and leveling the playing field of the dating world for you, our socially stunted client!

With just two simple questions regarding your address and phone number, we will make you feel like a celebrity today!


Just think for a moment what having your very own personal Stalker could mean for you!


Here are just a few advantages of obtaining your own Personal Stalker:


• Want company without all the awkward conversation? Then a Personal Stalker is just the ticket!

• Strangers will believe you a person of importance, as they witness your Personal Stalker shadowing your every move!

• Co-workers will marvel at the abundant interest and attention our Stalkers will bestow upon you at the work place daily!

• Sitting home waiting for the telephone to ring will be a thing of the past! Our Stalkers are guaranteed to call all hours of the day and night.

• No more will you feel neglected! Our Stalkers live to express their interest in your current attire and activities... at night, when you are home... alone.

• No more wasted time and energy readying to go out! Your Stalker will be there watching your every move, regardless how you look, dress, or undress for that matter! However, the more time you spend dressing and undressing the better they like it! (tipping is strictly forbidden.)

• Do you long to be the center of attention? You will be with one of our relentless Personal Stalkers!

• You will feel the added security of knowing you are never truly alone... EVER! Our stalkers are always around out there somewhere! We guarantee it!

• Pining away? Wishing you were the object of someone's desire? The center of someone’s world? You will be, with just one of our thousands of clinically diagnosed obsessive\compulsive behavior Personal Stalkers.

• Never feel the need to compromise on where to go, or what you do, on a date again! Go where you want, do what you like! Your very own Personal Stalker will always be there to follow you anywhere you choose to go!

• Having your own personal Stalker is extremely cost effective. Never again will you have to pay for someone on a date! Your Personal Stalker will automatically tag along! Now you can go to the places you couldn't afford before on a traditional date! Our Personal Stalkers are extremely creative in the ways of trespass. They will get in, regardless of security, expense, or exclusivity!

• Want a relationship with staying power? Desire a relationship which will endure for years to come? Then a Personal Stalker is the ideal answer! By upgrading to our Premium Package, we will hook you up with one of our Premium Parolee Stalkers. All are currently serving lengthy legal obligations! So you know they will be around you for many, many years to come!

• Live in a small town? Afraid we can’t find a Stalker near you? We have convicted Stalkers in all fifty states and many foreign countries!

• Many of our Personal Stalkers have multiple convictions for traveling, hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles, just to catch a glimpse of their vested target! This determination and relentless dedication, shows the quality of character many of our felons possess.

• Our strict ‘No Personal Obligation’ policy, on travel and other expenses, makes this the perfect solution for those on a budget, or for those living off the beaten path in the middle of nowhere! Our Stalkers will find you anywhere... at any time!

         Still afraid we can’t find the right Personal Stalker for you? Male or female, straight or gay, cross gender and cross dressers, short and skinny, or big and tall, we've got them all!

         So if you are ready to have a relationship of a lifetime, and these relationships do indeed last a lifetime! Then allow us to help you never be alone again! Ever...

         Join today and start feeling like a celebrity for the rest of your natural born life!

For more information please see the feature article about us in this month’s issues of Abnormal Psychology and The National Law Enforcement Journal
© Copyright 2013 Rick H (earthvillager at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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