43 it is

I remember everyone telling me that turning 40 was going to suck. I embraced it with every part of my being. I went to the casino, drank to much and enjoyed it above all. That entire year and the next few were pretty good without many downfalls. But then I turned 43. Boy oh boy what a year this has turned out to be. My oldest son, Jon Paul, joined the Marines and left for boot camp. My middle son, Patrick, graduated high school a year early to only join the army ( because all his friends and brother joined the military) and went to basic training. Within that same year Patrick decided he didn't like the army and failed the PT test to get discharged and now he is headed back home to live here again. This is when I began questioning every part of my life and skills as a member of society.

Lets go back and take a look at the beginning of me. I was born to two great parents who met at the Bally Muck bar in Waukegan, Il. They eloped within about six weeks of there first meeting. I was born several years later a sick baby. when I was born, due to the fact that the hospital gave my mom the wrong blood when she had my sister, I was kept in the closet of the nursery because I was to noisy and kept the other newbies awake. Many years later during a counseling session, I was told " Oh my, no wonder" . Much more about that later. So, I was sick, real sick, like not supposed to survive sick. but lucky for everyone that knows me, I did. I was a swimmer from the second grade to college. I was good, could have been better but I didn't have the type of parents that pushed me to hard and I didn't always try my hardest. I also was the one on the team that I feel didn't get the recognition I felt I deserved.
I also loved to have fun. I had a lot of friends but only a few that really knew me. The one person that I considered to be my best friend in the whole world, the one I told everything to, happened to also be the best looking one in our town. I had known him since we were 4 so he didn't do that with me. Many times through out our friendship his head got a little big but he always knew who he could count on me when he needed to talk or just have true fun. We fished together, vacationed together, watched football and played in the neighborhood together only to grow up and go our separate ways. We kept in touch but things changed. His dad died of cancer in 1988, which effected me greatly, as well as my BFF. His dad was the best man in the whole world besides my father. But I found that as we got older our conversations and times together got fewer and far between. We always picked up where we started and the time between our talks never seemed that long. We laughed together and even cried together. I wasn't up to par in his world for him to acknowledge publicly. Or at least outside of Waukegan. I accepted that but figured out years later it really hurt me deep down inside. When I went to his wedding, I was so excited and happy for him to only have him pretty much spit in my face. I wasn't one of his frat brothers or college friends, I was just the girl from the hood that he told everything to and kept his deep dark secrets s there fore I ceased to exist. Is that selfish of me to have these thoughts at his wedding? well of course, but honestly, aren't we all selfish? And I know everyone is thinking, You really liked him and he didn't like you back. You are just bitter. And the answer is no. As great of a friend he is to me, we got on each others nerves. We were best friends. Nothing more. I remember at his wedding reception, sitting by myself wondering, what did I want him to do? the answer was and I think still is ( yes I am still 43) to acknowledge me as a friend that he counted on for years and years and years to someone in his cool group and just to include me publicly. We all know the type, they talk to you when no one is around, almost as if they are embarrassed to have you in their life but you have been a part of their lives for so long they also need you. Don't get me wrong I love this man with all of me. He has been there fore me when really bad things happened and I needed him. He put up with high school girl problems better than anyone. I believe he would do anything for me if I asked. I am just telling you my feelings and insecurities. He taught my oldest son to ride a bike, told them stories that they still remember and even farted in front of them and they still talk about it. He is probably the best dad in the world because he had one of the best dads in the world. Anyway, moving on. I went to Colorado state to swim, and honestly just to go somewhere new. I ended up getting released due to the fact I didn't practice the entire summer before and I found out about partying in a way I never had before. Lets just say it had a lot to do with music. Does the band The Grateful Dead mean anything?
After enjoying my freshman year of college on my parents dime, something I am not proud of, I went and worked at Keystone Ski Resort and some other fun places. Then one summer I packed my bags and headed to Alaska. I ended up in Homer, AK. This is the most beautiful place I have ever been. Believe it or not I was picked up hitchhiking in Girdwood by my future husband. I filleted halibut for a charter boat company. It was a lot of fun I went back the next summer. After those summers I moved to