NOT GUILTY

"Your Honor, ladies, and gentlemen of the Jury.

This is an outrage! Before you stand a dutiful Prince accompanied by the lovely Seven Dwarfs who rescued and saved the accuser Miss SnowWhite from harm and even death by the Wicked Witch.

It is not they who should stand trial here before you, but it is her, the Wicked Witch, who should stand trial and be hanged if this was a perfect world. The only reason this is not so is that the Wicked Witch has cast a spell on Miss SnowWhite and lured her into no more than what I would call a lesbian game.

I will argue that my clients the Prince and the Seven Dwarfs are not guilty of the charges, which are rape, operating under false pretenses, human trafficking, and kidnapping. They are all innocent and I will prove that beyond a reasonable doubt. I will shed some light on this darkest of tales.

This whole affair has been shamelessly plugged in the media by the press and has forced my clients to go into hiding since they received numerous hate mails, have been stalked, and were subjected to continuous death threats from different sources I will not name here. Again we suspect foul play by the hand of the accuser Miss SnowWhite and her attorney the Wicked Witch.

The case presented here is a well-known scenario, but I will recapitulate it for you.

Once upon a time, during Autumn, when the leaves were falling down, the Seven Dwarfs took Miss SnowWhite into their home. They gave her food and clothing and tried to hide her from evil. The Wicked Witch offered Miss SnowWhite a poisoned apple. After eating the apple Miss SnowWhite fell into a deep sleep of one hundred years and was rescued and kissed by my client the Prince because she was so beautiful and he felt sorry for her.

And that, Ladies and gentlemen, is his only crime.

He kissed her on the mouth because he cared. Nothing more, nothing less. It is a shame this random act of kindness is not recognized for what it was. Instead, the accusations are RAPE since he apparently put his tongue into her mouth; OPERATING UNDER FALSE PRETENSES since he is not really a prince of royalty but a Prince Carnival masquerading as such; HUMAN TRAFFICKING & KIDNAPPING since the Seven Dwarfs were so kind to take her inside their humble home and hide her from outside harm.

They all should get a medal for that!

This trial is an aberration and a scam to everybody who loves fairy tales. Not only does this trial harm my clients, but it also harms millions of children who love the tale and sleep safe and sound over its beautiful ending: They lived happily ever after. This trial, started by the accuser, has done more damage than good. And I am not sure what the rationale is for doing so.

My clients don’t want anything but to be freed from this horrible feminist approach to an ancient tale. They want to leave this court as free men, and you Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury can provide this outcome.

Don’t be fooled by the sheer appearance of the beauty of Miss SnowWhite and her lawyer the Wicked Witch. Instead ask yourself: how can an innocent kiss and the act of providing a warm home turn into an awful and distorted horror scenario like this?

I rest my case."

After ten minutes the Jury came out, and the verdict for all eight accused on all four accounts was: NOT GUILTY!


Note ▼

WON 2nd Place, Rising to the Challenge, "Not Guilty."
Featured in "Comedy Newsletter (February 22, 2017)"