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Rated: 13+ · Campfire Creative · Novella · Fantasy · #2037330
On an alternate earth where animals speak, a bold ship is on a journey of exploration...
[Introduction]

This tale takes place during a warm period in Erda's distant past when sea levels were so high that there were no big continents, only lots of islands. It is a time when technology has advanced to the Age of Steam and Steel. It is a time of danger and exploration and also of warfare as island warlords seek to build empires.

This is the story of a ship, the Hammerhead
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
and her captain, Jack Tabby, a cat ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


For reference for those unfamiliar with a ship's crew...
CAPTAIN... master of the ship ... Jack Tabby, domesticated cat
FIRST MATE... acts in the captain's place when necessary ... at first Walter White, King Cobra later, Bone Glow, elephant
SECOND MATE... same as First Mate... Yellow Feather, Canary
THIRD MATE ..... same as First Mate... Swiftfoot, red deer stag
On a ship with 1st mate, 2nd mate, and 3rd mate, the three mates take turns standing 4 hour watches out of every 12 hours.
STEWARD/COOK... responsible for everything about the food ... Willa DuWitt, Persian cat
ENGINEER... responsible for machinery, the steam engine, etc ... Miko Miazaki, Japanese Snow Monkey
GUNNER... on a ship with guns, like this one, he is in charge of the guns ... Gulo Gulo, wolverine
BOSUN ( or BOATSWAIN) ... in charge of maintenance of the ship ... Wendy Adams, star-nosed mole
The working crew of the ship are called SEAMEN and work as directed by the BOSUN or the MATES or the CAPTAIN.
CREW..............
Butteirfingers, iguana
Embargo, mudskipper
Robert, raccoon
Anchorsmith, toucan
Shakal, tiger shark
Berrlingson, koala
Pickle Pride, rhinocerous
Zip, zebra
Topsy, turtle
Nutbrown, hare
Wild Bill, kangaroo

Women of the Island of Beauty.....
Aloha Wahoo, fox
Chili Manyana, cheetah
Myrtle, hippo
Spring, gazelle
Queen Aleena, dragon
Ichigo, fox



Clickable links to chapters
----------------------------------------
Chapter One: Dodo Island
Chapter Two: The Elephant's Tale
Chapter Three: The Island of Beauty?
Chapter Four: The Wasps
Chapter Five: Paradise Island




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Chapter One: Dodo Island


"Captain Jack! Captain Jack!" called the lookout. "Iceberg ahead!"

Captain Jack sputtered and did a doubletake. "Wh-what?! Iceberg! In these warm waters?"

"My mistake, Captain! It was a humpbacked whale!"

"Grrr! Can we please have someone who is not blind be assigned to lookout! First mate! Did you hear that?"
The First Mate Walter White was a King Cobra

"Oh sweet genius." Walter said putting an ice pack on his head "I've already got a splitting headache
"Then stay in bed," said the captain.
"Captain!" The lookout sounded delirious with panic now. "More ice-bergs! An entire field of- oh. Wait! Never-mind! Pod of whales ahead!"

Captain Jack slumped against the main funnel and thought about keel-hauling things.
Jack grabbed a passing seaman. "Go up top and replace the lookout. I think he's been in the sun too long."

The Jack beckoned to First Mate. "Mr White, let's have a little conference in my office."

The office was dominated by a huge globe of the earth and several big map tables. Jack pointed at one of the maps. "We're about to sail off the edge, you know."

"Of course, I know! Why do you think my head hurts?"

"Are you afraid to sail into uncharted waters?"

"No, not afraid, just nervous," said the cobra. "After we sail through the uncharted waters they will be charted well enough. And who knows what riches we will find, eh?"

"I hope so," Jack said. "Otherwise, we are on a ship of fools."

There was a knock on the door and an otter slipped in. "Captain! The new lookout thinks there may be land ahead."

Jack rushed up to the forecastle (forecastle = the "front porch" of a ship up by the bow) and scanned the sea with his binoculars. "I see birds!"

The next morning they found themselves near a large island. They sailed around it, looking for a quiet bay. Finally, Captain Jack said, "Drop anchor here. We'll take a boat to shore. Mr. White, the ship is yours to command until I return."

Captain Jack and a half dozen seamen rowed through the surf and dragged their landing boat up onto the sand. "Do I hear drums?"
There were Drums pounded by a Thousands Tribal Dodo Birds
"Make drawings of everything," said the captain.
"Everything, Captain?" The seaman with the sketch-pad looked lugubrious in the extreme at such a prospect.

"Yes, Mr. Butteirfengers! Everything, in equal measure!" With one out-stretched paw, Cpt. Jack indicated the long beach of rocks and shale spread out before them, terminating at a colourful line of healthy tropical forest. The scene was dominated by roughly three-thousand oddly fat birds with stunted wings and colour-streaked plumage, all bashing furiously away on bongo drums and staring away at the shore party as if the new-comers had vomited during Mass.

"Well, everything, but especially those locals over there." Jack amended grudgingly. Suddenly, he had a startlingly bad idea. If I fire some of the cannons on the Hammerhead, I bet I can get these savages to worship me as a god! Or ...something else important, at any rate. The worship is really the important bit.
But who needs the troubles of being a god?! Jack laughed at his little joke. "The rest of you come with me!"

Leaving behind the sketch artist, Captain Jack and his seamen strode through the line of drumming dodo birds. As Jack suspected, the birds were too entranced by their drumming to pay any attention to him. They proceeded further into the interior of the island until they came to a stone temple.

"Well, well, well!" Jack said. The temple was shaped like a very squat pyramid. In front of it was a stone stature of a dodo bird wearing a crown. "It's hard for me to believe those birds built this. Let's see what's inside."

The interior was one big room, not very well lit since the only light came through the open doorway. There were no windows. There were some large wooden chests against the walls and in one corner was a pile of unidentifiable objects.

"Let's open one of these chests!"
Back on the Hammerhead, the Cook, a female Persian Cat named Willa DuWitt, who had a crush on Captain Jack, was talking to the Engineer, a Snow Monkey from Japan named Miko Miazaki.

"Miko..." said Willa "...I'm going to ask you just one more time, did you eat all the bananas?"

"Let your enemy cut your flesh and you will break his bones," Miko responded with a Japanese proverb.
"What does that even mean?" Willa asked.
"When white swan dives over the moon, black pelican must waddle under a rock to commune with star-guppies." The monkey intoned sacerdotally, stepping on a fresh banana peel to hide it. Willa cocked her head at him.

"Sometimes I really don't know why I even bother with you."
Miko Miazaki put his palms together. "When man become bothered by woman, woman not bother with man. When man not bothered by woman, woman bother man."

Willa looked at the sky. "If you say the word bother one more time I will lose all sense of what it might mean. Make yourself useful. Go see how many turnips we have left."


Meanwhile, on Dodo Island, Jack and his men were opening one of the chests in the Dodo Temple. The old hinges creaked and groaned as the heavy lid was raised and thrown back. Jack peeked over the edge into the depths of the chest. "It's empty. Let's try another one."

The second chest responded oddly to their attempt to open it. When they had the lid raised a couple of inches, a glow of pink light came from inside the chest. "Close it! Close it!" Jack yelled. They let the lid slam shut.

"That can't be good," Jack murmured. "Only spectral beings emit light."

One of the seamen, a little mudskipper named Embargo, said, "But aye, Cap'n Jack, sir, maybe it be like a genie and grant wishes and things? Eh?"

"Maybe," Jack said.
One of the Crewman a Raccoon named Robert spied some delicious looking fruit he plucked one and three more fell on his head covering him in sticky syrup
"Might as well see how this stuff tastes," he said.
He licked at some syrup and dropped dead instantly.

Embargo inched away from the cadaver as if it were contaminated.

"Eh? Weird birds, genies in chests -'stead of bottles like they're 'posed to be, poisonous fruit- I don't like it Captain Jack, sir. I don't like it one bit."

"Yeah, it all ain't right." Asked a toucan with a bandana. "Can we leave soon, Captain?" He asked hopefully.

"Hush-up, Mr. Anchorsmith." Jack growled at him. "We leave when I'm good and ready, and not a moment sooner! Now, let's see another chest opened."

Butterifengers slumped in. The iguana's tail dragged behind him; steam was rising from his hands and sketchpad. He did a double-take at the prostrate Robert, before jumping as Jack pointed at him.

"And you!" Said the Captain. "Keep taking sketches -I want every one of these chests and this entire building documented before we go!"
"Aw, bumbleshoots!" Butterfingers said, but he went to work at his sketchpad.

"Open the next chest!" Jack commanded. "But slowly!"

Again the ominous creaking and groaning of old rusty hinges. The lid was thrown back to reveal a treasure horde of gold and jewels.

"Great mother of bees!" Butterfingers said. "You've hit the mother lode. Whoooeee! We'll all be rich!"

Jack ran his fingers through the gold coins and rings and bracelets. "There is a fortune here! We'll need bags to carry it. Let's return to the Hammerhead, men! You'll remember this day the rest of your lives!"
Just then the Dodo Music started changing and the Dodo Women came forth in skimpy clothing to dance for the Dodo Men
"I think we should leave now," said one of the crew. "I'm getting an even worse feeling than what I have."
(Note: Perhaps I should mention that Butteirfengers is French -you gorra' say it with the accent)

"An astute suggestion, and one I find personally find most agreeable." Said Jack. "But not without this treasure! I want every piece recorded before we start hauling it to the Hammerhead. After all, doubloons have a tendency to slip around and accidentally fall into the pockets of unwary crew-beasts."

"What," Said Embargo, sounding hurt. "You don't trust us, Cap'n? Your very own loyal crew?!" He made a sweeping gesture implying injury. His outstretched arm hit his toucan crewmate, setting the room to rattling as it accidentally knocked loose several cunningly hid coins. Jack's boot slapped down on one as it spun to a halt beneath him.

"I'll overlook that since we aren't aboard-ship," He scowled. "Any on of you tries to take more than his share again, I'll use you to grease my ship's keel. Understand?"

"Aye, Captain." Was the awkwardly chorused reply.
As Jack and his men pulled away from the sandy beach in their boat, the Dodo Men and Dodo Women were involved in an intricate dance which involved a hop, skip, jump, hoot, and holler.

"Crazy birds," Embargo said, looking back at the beach.

When they reached the Hammerhead, Jack issued instructions that sent men scurrying. They gathered enough canvas and leather bags to hold the loot.

"Mr. White!" Jack said. "You can command the landing party. Make sure you get all the gold from that chest I described to you."

"Aye," said the King Cobra.

"I'll show him, cap'n!" said Embargo.

Jack watched the landing boat head back to the shore and thought, "This is quite unexpected to gain this much wealth so early in our explorations. I wonder if it makes sense to return home now? It seems unlikely we'll make another find as rich as this."
Willa DuWitt pulled Jack aside "Milord." She said "Me suspects the Engineer be helping himself to all the fruit on this ship...I don't trust that Monkey."

"Miko Miazaki is the best engineer I've seen in a long time." Said Jack "A lot better then the last one, the Giraffe who got his neck trapped in the gears."
"By the way," said Willa. "Should we be taking this gold, and the like? I once heard a story about this crew that took some gold from this one island - by day, they were like you and me, flesh and blood, but at night, they became as skeletons, naught but bone. They were cursed to not feel the temperature, or to feel the taste of food, or anything. That and they were cursed to not be able to die."
"It's alright, " Said Jack soothingly. If only Superstition could only feed a fire; this ship would run forever. "I'm sure that the gold is fine. If not, we'll still be too stinking rich to notice if we are cursed."

Miko swung in. "A low moon is seldom reflected over still waters. Wombat." He intoned sagely.
Jack nodded sadly. "Miko, it's a good thing you decided to become an engineer instead of a philosopher, because your philosophy is incomprehensible. And STOP EATING ALL THE FRUIT!"

Miko cringed. "The bounty of the earth is not for one king to dispose of. In the Garden of Life all ants get a crumb."

"But no ant can have ALL the crumbs," Jack said.


The day bore on and the First Mate did not return with his boat and men and the gold.

"They are taking a long time," Jack said. He took a peek at the shore through his spyglass.

The Dodo birds were nowhere to be seen. Apparently the dancing and drumming was over. Maybe he should have paid more attention to the Dodo birds. Now their disappearance from the beach seemed ominous. Should he take the other landing boat and go look for Walter White? Or should he give the First Mate a little more time to return to the Hammerhead?
The Gunner of the ship Gulo Gulo a Wolverine who was a little too enthusiastic for battle said "Mr White is lost, need to start a search party, bring lots of ammo!"
Willia looked at the wolverine. "Better take the right weapons with that ammo - you can take the most powerful gun we have, but if you take the wrong ammo, you would have been better off bringing a machete."

"How do you know this?" Gulo asked.

"I paid attention during Basic Training. I know a few things about weapons. While you're at it, bring along one, or two, Medical Personnel, in case there is an injury, but don't take the Head Doctor."
"In any case, Mr. Gulo, get together a second shore party and see what's become of Mr. White." Said Jack, looking through his spy-glass at the invisible speck of the treasure trove. A single greasy plume of smoke was winding through the foliage near the spot; It was probably nothing.

"Actually, Mr. Gulo," He called. "Belay that; I'm coming with you."

The experienced crew of the Hammerhead soon had the ship's second boat in the lagoon, sculling fast on its way to shore. Looking down the twin rows of faces panting and slavering over their banks of oars, Jack felt a pang of worry. True, Gulo had meticulously selected the very best combatants from the entire crew; together, they made for one very dangerous boat-load. But that was just it; none had come by their ability the easy way. Mr. Shackal -a tiger shark third from the back, glaring daggers into the back ahead of him as he hauled on the oar-shaft- had spent eight years crewing on a Slaver off Old Nomia, for Neptune's sake. They were checkered, striped, and tattooed in more ways than one.

And now he was about to introduce them to a pile of treasure ready for the taking, in a position without any back-up from the rest of his crew, while his second-in-command might be compromised. Perhaps a short leash might be called for on this excursion, Jack thought drily.
Wait here with Gulo, Jack told the men when they arrived on the shore, placing their boat next to the empty boat already there. He took Shakal with him to investigate the interior of the island.

At the stone temple, there was no sign of Mr White and the first group of men.

"Draw you weapon," Jack said. "We'll see what's inside the temple."

Cautiously they entered. The big room was completely empty. All the chests were gone. Even the pile of junk in the corner had been cleaned out.

"This is very strange," Jack said. Then, realizing Shakal was in the dark, he explained how the room had contained chests and treasure.

"But where be Mister White and the others now?" Shakal asked.

"I'll be damned if I know," Jack said. "Let's get back to the boats. And look closely at the ground along the way for any sign of tracks."

"Well?" said Gulo Gulo when they reached the boats.

"Nothing," Jack said. "No sign of them and no tracks either."

"I don't like this place. Gives me the spooks."

"You may be right," Jack said. "Have you seen any Dodo birds?"

"Nary a one!"

Jack thought for a moment. "Let's go back to the Hammerhead. We'll take both boats with us. Then we'll circle around the island in the Hammerhead and see what we can see."

"Aye aye, cap'n!"

Walter White meanwhile was all alone in a dark room
"So, you found nothing?" Willa asked, as she served the captain some fresh-caught fish.

"Oh, I found something," said Jack. "And that something is nothing - no footprints, no signs of a struggle, no treasure, no anything. That tells me that something happened."

"Perhaps I should go on the next trip to the island," said Willa.

"Why?"

"Unlike Gulo, I studied more than just how to load up my weapons and shoot them," said Willa. "I studied tactics, first aid training, guerrilla warfare, psychological warfare, everything."

"Then, why did you apply to be a cook, and not the Weapons Officer?" Jack asked.

"Because I prefer cooking over killing."
With the boats secure, the Hammerhead began circumnavigating the isle, deck crowded with curious crew-beasts. Except for the singular cove, the shore remained as execrably rocky as ever. To Jack, the quietude of the jungle was singularly disturbing. For the little speck of land to support so many dodos had been impressive in of itself; to conceal them all so thoroughly was almost supernatural.
They circled the entire island and saw nothing unusual. But Jack had an interesting discussion with Willa involving ancient temples and secret rooms.

"So you think this temple may have areas we don't know about?" Jack said.

"Yes," Willa said. "Perhaps below ground. The part above ground may only be a fraction of the entire temple."

The Hammerhead was moored in the bay again. Jack and Willa took a boat with six seamen and made for shore. They had torches and plenty of fresh water with them.

"Give us 24 hours," Jack told the Second Mate, who was now the temporary commander of the Hammerhead. "If we're not back by then, send Gulo and a dozen armed men in the second boat."

Once on shore, Jack had the boat securely beached above high tide and the party of eight set off for the temple. This time they would do a thorough search, concentrating on finding any hidden doors and secret rooms.

There was still not a Dodo to be seen or heard. In fact, there were no sounds at all except for the soft shuffling of their feet in the sand and the distant sound of the surf.
The Second Mate was a Canary named Yellow Feather, he was a timid little bird
"I hope they make it back alright," he said. It was one thing to pass on orders to others, but it was another to make them yourself.
"You'd better," Leered Shakal softly farther down the rail, coiling a length of rope into a thick knot similar to those found amongst his own musculature.

"What was that, Mr. Shakal?!" Yellow Feather chirped, glaring through the falling curtain of tropical gloom.

"Nothing, sah!" The tiger shark said smartly. In the equatorial twilight, Yellow Feather could vaguely assure himself that the man's blunt snout wasn't broken into a grin.

"I thought not," Sniffed Yellow Feather, turning back to the island with his scope held high. Suddenly, his feathers bristled of their own accord as Gulo sauntered by behind him, the huge wolverine casually carrying a few lengths of heavy chain-shot slung over one shoulder. What he intended to do with them was anyone's guess, Yellow Feather supposed. He paused to whisper to Shakal for a moment, before smashing him on the back genially and stomping off, both crewbeasts roaring laughter.

Yellow Feather preened himself nervously; by now, the entire crew was well aware of the treasure on Dodo island. That it was there, enough to make a beast rich, no one doubted. That there was enough to share, well, debate was lively in that area...
"Over here, captain!" said Seaman Benny, a squirrel. "I think this might be something!"

There was a square-shaped depression in the floor, very shallow, but noticeable in the right light.

"It might be a door!"

"But how do you open it?" Jack said.

"Maybe it only opens from the other side."

"Do we have a chisel or a pry bar. Work around the edges of this. See if you can make it move."

Jack and Willa watched the men work. "What do you think?" Jack said.

"Very promising. Look! They've got it to lift up a little."

Then with a clunk of stone against stone, they managed to heave a large square block of stone over to reveal a dark opening.

"This is it!" Jack said, kneeling by the hole. "Light a torch!"

Holding the torch down into the hole Jack tried to peer into the gloom. "It's a room, empty. Let's lower a rope. Two of us will stay here to guard the hole. Willa and myself and the other four are going down."
Walter White was trying to find out where he was
"There has to be something I can use," said the snake. "There has to be something."
"Hello? Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?" He called out, squirming back and forth, trying to get a tactile feel for the room he was in.
Then White heard something, faint noises that grew louder. Was that some of the men from the Hammerhead? It sounded like Benny's chattering voice.

"Help!" he yelled. "Help! I'm in here! Can you hear me? Help!"


Jack and Willa held their torches high. This lower room of the templel had doorways in the walls. "You were right," Jack said. "This temple is bigger than it looks."

"We'll have to be careful not to get lost in it," Willa said.

Benny held up his hands. "Shhh! Listen! Do you hear that?"
"It sounds like Mr. White!"
"We better make sure that we mark our way," said Willa. "We don't want to get lost ourselves."
Quickly he chiseled a mark on the wall, turned, drew a pistol to compliment his torch, and kicked open the West door.

Mr White struggled up, the cobra's eyes squinting in the torch-light. "Captain? Is that you?"

"The one and only," Said Captain Jack. "Cut him loose, Mr. Berrlingson." The crew-beast in question sliced open the tight ropes on the First Mate's wrists with a knife.

"Thank-you," White did an odd little dance as he rubbed at his smarting paws. "I've got no idea where the others are, Captain. I don't even know how I got down here at all!"
"Check all the doorways!" Jack ordered. "And keep your weapons ready!"

"We never saw them coming," White said.

"Who?" Jack asked. "Who captured you?"

"It was the damn dodo birds!"

"What? But how? They're birds."

"We were in the room with the big chests," White said. "And pretty much concentrating on all that gold, when there was this terrible squawking and dodo birds came flooding in all around us. There was a strange smell in the air and I fell unconscious. I woke up in that room where you found me."

"It sounds like they used some kind of knock out gas," Jack said. "But why? And why did they put you in that room by yourself? And where are the others?"

"Mysteries, Captain," White said.

Berrlingson called them over. "Captain Jack, this doorway leads to a tunnel."

"What about the other doors?"

"All empty rooms, sir."

"Alright, men," Jack said. "We're going down this tunnel. Give me some torches. That's good. Stay alert!"



The Dodo Chief was in his Hut being fed Brumble Brerries by his loving Queen
He then heard a tapping on the door. "I'm busy," he said.
The tapping came again.

"But Chief Glustugucky, there are intruders in the temple!" A voice whined from beyond the portal.

The dodo humped himself up, throwing open the door and almost knocking the unlucky messenger over.

"Intruders? But how- how could they get in?"

"They must have found the trap-door, Chief!"

"We must hurry then; they must be here in pursuit of the other intruders we captured. We must convene the offering immediately." Glustugucky struck one feathered arm to the ceiling commandingly. "Quick! To the Sacrificial Pit!"

Chaotic squawking, loose feathers flying, it was the typical dodo panic move, one they did often since almost everything that happened to them was alarming to them. Except when they were drumming. When they were drumming they finally managed to attain inner peace as their little brains tranced out.

At the sacrificial pit, the crewmen who had accompanied Mr White were trussed up and ready to "do" as the birds would say. Each of the seamen was lashed to a bamboo frame that was shaped like a bird. Palm leaves were woven into the frame to give it lift in the air currents. Essentially they were giant kites.

"How's the wind?" Glustugucky said, the traditional greeting.

"Rising and ready soon," said the priest, surprisingly not a dodo bird but an extremely large crab. There was a strange religion practiced in this part of the Erdese oceans of that time, a religion unknown to Jack and his crew.

Meanwhile, Jack and Willa and Berrlingson and White and the rest were running down the tunnel, for somehow they sensed that things were coming to a boil, about to peak, and they better be in the right place at the right time.
Suddenly...An explosion!
"That better not be anything important," said Jack.
"What was that?" Asked Mr. Berlingson, waving his torch as dust rained down, so thick that it seemed as if the tunnel had collapsed outright.

"Beats me, but I'd wager it isn't good," Said Mister White.

"Come on! We have to get out of here soon!" Jack led the way into the next room, hacked crudely from the rock as if by some boring insect.
"Whoa!" Jack said as he skidded to a halt, for they found themselves on the edge of a precipice. The tunnel had suddenly ended as it exited into a huge vertical shaft. There was a strong air current rushing upwards.

"Look up there!" White yelled.

"My God, it's the dodo birds!" Jack said. "Why are they standing around the edge? And look! It's the lost crew members! Why are they lashed to those kites?"

"And why is that giant crab waving his claws at us?" Willa said. "That reminds me. I'd like to have some boiled shrimp when we get back."

"IF we get back!" White said.

There was a scream as one of the kite-bound seamen was tossed into the shaft by the dodo birds. At first it seemed like his kite would carry him upward on the air currents, but then he came tumbling downwards, plunging to his doom.

"I can't look!" White said.
The Dodo Chief watched them
"This isn't good," said Jack. "Tell me we brought along the grappling gun?"
"We've got some rope," Willa said. "That's all."

Jack looked down. The bottom was so far down it was lost in darkness. He looked up. The rim of the pit was silhouetted against the sky. All along the rim were the dodo birds, squawking. The giant crab lifted a claw and another of Jack's men was sent over the edge, tied to his bamboo kite. Again, for a moment it looked as if he might actually fly, but then he, too, tumbled to his death.

"They are killing us one by one!" White lamented.

"We can't do anything here," Jack said. "It's too difficult to climb to the rim. Besides they could easily toss stones on us. Back through the tunnel, men! We know approximately where they are now. We'll get out of the temple and try to make it back to this pit before all our men are dead. But this time we will be on the surface."


Up on the rim of the sacrificial pit, the crab priest continued his heathen ceremony. "Abba abba abba!" he chanted. "May the great god of the winds accept our offering!"

He was down to the last crewman, an old turtle named Henry Aldrich, when Jack and White and the rest came running toward him.

"You dirty old crab!" Jack yelled. "If you toss that turtle into the pit you will follow him in!"

The dodo birds panicked and ran in every direction, squawking and losing more feathers. Henry Aldrich was untied from his kite frame.

"That was a close one," he said. "A pity you could not save the others."

"This island is cursed!" said White. "Push that crab into the pit!"

They all had the satisfaction of watching the giant crab fall to his death. It sounded like a large egg breaking.

"All right!" Jack said. "Let's round up the rest of us and head back to the ship. All I want to do is get away from this foul place."

"What about the gold, Captain?" asked Willa.

"It's cursed gold," Jack said. "I don't want it. We would forever be thinking we traded those men's lives for it."


When they were all back on board the Hammerhead, Willa DuWitt promised to make them a meal they would never forget, a meal that would make them forget all their troubles.

"Okay, Willa," Jack said. "Just get dinner ready. You over-hype it and we might be disappointed."
Willa Made a Creamy Soup with lots of vegetables, and she made for dessert a chocolate gateau with both powdered sugar and whipped cream, for drinks there was sweet wine and berry punch
"Well, this certainly smells good," said Jack.
As the crew ate and sang and engaged in escalating feats of humour and violence, Captain Jack eventually rose to propose a toast.

"Gentlemen- to our comrades, never to leave the island. May the sun never set on their graves!"

The suddenly sombre crowd toasted their assent with a chorus of 'ayes'... Interrupted at length when Mr. Gulo stood up, hat clutched at his belt.

"Beggin' your pardon, Captain... But why did we hafta' leave so quick? We could've given those dodo birds what-for for killing our mates."

"Too many had already been killed," Said Jack crossly, like a distant storm-cloud. "It was my decision to leave, so leave we did."


Chapter Two: The Elephant's Tale ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

They sailed for fourteen days seeing nothing but sea, sea, and more sea. Then on the fifteenth day the lookout saw birds and on the sixteenth day it appeared they were approaching land, but no tiny island this time. It stretched across the horizon for some way. It must be an island larger than any Jack knew of.

By that afternoon, he also knew it must be inhabited, for several small boats were in the water making their way out to meet the Hammerhead.
On some of the Boats were large Animals like Elephants and Rhinos

"This must be a populated place." Said Jack

"Look!" Said Yellow Feather "I see something...Something that looks like a mouth with sharp fangs and...ruby red lips!"

Jack looked through Yellow Feather's telescope, and on one side of the island there was a Cave, the cave's entrance looked like a mouth with sharp teeth and ruby red lips
"Hey Gulo!" Jack yelled. "I think I found your mother!"
Gulo could only growl at that, as the shore-boats hove in ever closer.

"Let down a ladder!" Called Jack.
"Forget the ladder, mate!" yelled an elephant in the boat. "Did you ever see an elephant what could climb a ladder?"

"You can speak our language?" Jack said.

"Of course I can speak your bloody language. Who do you think I am?"

"We don't know who you are."

"Oh... You mean you're not here to rescue us?"

"No," Jack said. "You're a surprise to us. We're explorers. Do you know this is an uncharted island?"

The elephant laughed. "Not any more, mate! Our Captain, bless his departed soul, discovered it and charted it three years ago and we been looking for a way back home ever since."

"Are you the first mate?" Jack said.

"That I am!" said the elephant. "Very perceptive of ye. I am Bone Glow, born on the island of Madriss, and served on the good ship Heavenly Treasure under Captain Thomas Pickeridge until the late unfortunateness that left me stranded here in the middle of nowhere with Captain Pickeridge dead and the Heavenly Treasure sitting at the bottom of the sea."

"A sad story," Jack said. "We'll rig a crane to hoist you aboard. Is this all of you?"

"All of us that still be alive and walking. Two elephants, three rhinos, and a tortoise."
"What about that strange cave?" Asked Jack

The crew shivered "Don't speak of it!" They said
"A penny saved is a penny earned," said Miko.

"I guess that you're saying that we should heed their advice, and avoid that cave," said Jack. "Mister White, take down their names, former positions, and see about integrating them with the rest of the crew." He then looked at Bone. "I hope that you are good at your job, Alternative Mate, and if your crew held a Master's Position, I hope they don't mind being Assistants."

The elephant smiled. "I understand. You don't want to upset your crew's established hierarchy. Hopefully the demotions are temporary."

"I reward good work," said Jack. "Prove yourself to me, and we shall see."
"Mr. Bone Glow," Said Jack as the elephant was hauled aboard. "I'd would like to speak with you in my cabin, alone."

"At your pleasure, Captain."

In Jack's quarters, the two sat down on opposite sides of a desk, Jack trying not to sigh as his hulking guest lapped down a significant portion of his precious supply of wine. Still, at this stage their was no telling how long Bone Glow had had to go without it; quite possibly all three years he had been stranded. It was hard to begrudge him.

"Now, Mr. Glow, you said that there was some unpleasantness with your late captain and ship?" Jack began after a few sortied trivialities. "Would you mind my asking, what sort of difficulties? Anything that could potentially endanger this ship and-or this crew?"
Bone Glow swirled the wine around in his glass as he stared at it. "Now I regret me thirst because it will loosen me tongue."

Jack frowned. "Are you saying you don't want to tell me what happened?"

"No, Captain Jack. I'll tell you all right. But it's not a pretty story."

"Don't worry, Mr. Bone Glow, I was not expecting Tiptoe Through the Tulips."

"I'm not familiar with that tale, Captain Jack."

"Just something from my childhood. Please. Get on with your story."

Bone Glow stood up so he could swing his arms and trunk in expressive gestures.

Our precious The Heavenly Treasure was much like your ship, Captain Jack. We were financed by Lord Pennywell, the banker, a billionaire I am told. So our ship was state of the art and could make right good speed through all kinds of seas. I am afraid that may have made us a bit overconfident. We grew cocky, and we paid the ultimate price. She went down in a storm not ten miles off this island. A good many of us made it to shore, having let down the boats when it was obvious she would sink.


Jack interrupted: That's remarkable that you had the time and presence of mind to put down all the boats in a raging storm with the ship sinking.

Yes! I It was remarkable, wasn't it? Nevertheless, that be the way it happened. And many of us made it to shore, as I say. Unfortunately, not our dear departed captain.


Did anyone else besides the captain fail to make it to the island?

I don't recall. But it doesn't matter because the island itself began to kill us off, one by one, like flies in a spider web.


At that point the elephant got a crazy look in his eyes and Jack said quietly, "Did it have anything to do with that cave that looks like a mouth?"

DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF THAT MONSTER! DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF IT!


To Jack's embarrassment, the elephant fell on the floor, sobbing like a baby, no longer yelling, but whimpering, "Do not speak to me of it! Do not speak to me of it!"




"I understand," said Jack. "I recently came across an island where several of my crew were kill during some sort of primitive ritual. That being said, you do have a duty to the families of your men, and you will have to explain to them what happened, just as I will have to explain to the families of the men that I lost then, and might lose in the future. That is what it means to be a leader, you have to tell people bad news."
"Do-not-speak-to-me-of-It!" Howled Bone Glow, shaking back and forth on the floor in a fetal position and sobbing.

"Well, uh.... Okay then." Said Jack. "I guess I'll have to ask one of your crew, then?"

"The Cave, the Cave, ye gods, the Cave..." Babbled Bone glow; Jack got an uncomfortable feeling that he was about to start savaging his own eyes.

"Sit tight; I'll be back with one of your companions shortly." Said Jack, stepping a wide ways around the traumatized elephant to get to the door.

"Thecavethecavethecavethecavethecavethecavethecave..."
Jack picked one of the rhinos to talk to. His name was Pickle Pride. "Mr. Pride," Jack said. "Bone Glow has given me the outline of your adventure here, but I would like to fill in the details if you might help me?"

"Certainly, Captain," said Pride.

"You experienced a storm at sea and evacuated the ship using all the boats, but the captain was lost. Is that correct?"

"Yes, it is."

"Do you know how the captain met his fate?"

"I'm sure with courage and bravery, sir," said Pride.

"No," Jack said. "I meant, do you know the manner of his dying. Did he drown? Or...?"

Pride got a nervous look. "He must have drowned, sir, being the last to leave the ship. I suppose it was too late. And he drowned. It was a dark and stormy night, sir."

"I understand. Now you've been here three years, correct?"

"Yes, sir, that we have, and lost many a man along the way until now there is just the six of us that you have so generously rescued. I thank you, sir, for that."

"You're welcome. I understand there is a cave on the island, a cave that resembles a mouth."

"Do not ask me to speak of that, sir."

Jack pounded his fist on the table. "Aw, come on! What is this with nobody wanting to talk about the cave? Is it alive? Is it haunted? Does it swallow you up and spit you out? Tell me about the cave!"

Pickle Pride began trembling violently. "Please, sir! No! No! Do not make me speak of that evil! You don't know what you're asking! Do not make me speak of it! DO NOT! PLEASE!"

"All right, settle down." Jack was alarmed by how much the rhino was shaking. A beast that big could knock a wall down with his spasms. "We'll speak no more of it."

Later, Jack was discussing the cave with Gulo Gulo and Walter White, the wolverine and the cobra who were his gunner and first mate. "I don't think I have ever been so curious about a geological feature!"

"We'll have to explore it," White said. "Perhaps these oversized beasts have talked themselves into a group delusion."

"You think it's all in their minds, then?"

"It's easy enough to find out. Let's go look at the cave."
When the sun rose the next day they headed towards the cave
"Sir, why did you only bring along a small group of men?" Gulo asked. "And why do we only have non-lethal weapons?"

"Less of a risk to the members of the crew," said Jack. "For all we know, the cave could induce a type of madness that forces us to try and kill each other. Smaller number means less casualties, especially when our weapons aren't meant to kill each other."
His hapless crew could but roll their eyes at their captain's antics.

The climb to the aptly-named mouth of the cave was long and steep, but of little difficulty to the seasoned sailors. Eventually, Gulo and White found themselves manhandling gear over a series of boulders, right in the centre of the line formed by the crew, strung out over the steep terrain.

"Sah, would'ya tell me again why we couldn't bring any proper guns?" The wolverine asked the cobra with as much impropriety as he dared, hefting up a small crate of basic geological equipment. He would have cheerfully thrown it off the cliff instead if that would have let hold his favourite blunderbuss. Old family treasure, that thing. So modified that it originally might have been a cross-bow, 'cept that-

"You heard the Captain," Said White sternly. "We don't know if the cave is cursed. There's no sense in putting people at risk."

"But at the island of those do-do birds," Protested Gulo. "He said taking the treasure wasn't wrong until after our mates were all dead. We left the savages alone, and never even got a doubloon for it. 'Nothing else, we could've given it to their widows."

"Captain's orders stand around here," Grunted White, deciding not to comment on the patently ludicrous idea of Gulo calling something else a 'savage'. "We're going to find out whatever's wrong with the Cave, and we're not going to hear anymore grumbling. Are we understood, Mr. Gulo?"

"Aye, sah." He slid up over the next boulder in the trail.

As the group stood before the cave, one thing was clear. It's resemblance to a mouth was not accidental, but deliberate. The "teeth" of the cave were large tree trunks, stripped clean of their bark so they appeared a lighter color against the dark of the cave depths and carefully set in place. The "red lips" of the cave were painted on with red clay.

"Now who would have done this?" asked Jack.

"Perhaps the castaways themselves, sir?" volunteered the cobra, White.

"If so, then their mental disturbance is even greater than it appears to be. And yet, your idea is worthy of consideration. I can envision a scenario where they "create" a monstrous god. Perhaps they were driven crazy by lack of food when they first landed here."

"Or lost hope of ever being rescued."

"But we must consider the other possibility," said Gulo. "The possibility that the castaways had nothing to do with constructing this. That some other group or agency modified this cave."

"Why do you say agency, Gulo?" asked Jack. "Do you wish to imply something supernatural here?"

Gulo stood tall. "I'm as scientific as the next man, but I do not let that blind me to the infinite possibilities of the universe. My mind is open."

"Very well," Jack said. "I suggest we now enter the cave and let direct observation answer our questions. Is it a hole in the ground or not, eh? I'll lead the way."
There was a terrible smell coming from the cave, it almost seemed as if 'bad breath' were flowing from this cave's 'mouth'
Jack's eyes widened as he recognized what the stench was. "Let's get out of here," he said. "This place isn't for the living."
"Mr White- check it out." Said Jack. "It smells like dead bodies down there!"

"Aye, sir!" Mr. White hefted the single most dangerous object they had been able to take from the ship, tied a rope to one of the tooth-trees, and began his trepidatious descent into the reeking abyss.
"That's gross," Gulo said. "How can he stand the smell?"

"Snakes smell differently from everybody else," Jack said. "They use their tongue to smell."

"Ew, that's even worse."

"Mr White!" Jack said. "Give us a report, will you?"

"I'm about 40 feet in," White yelled. "It's a large cave. It looks like this is where the other castaways ended up. Whether they died here or were brought here I don't know."

"What kind of shape are the bodies in?"

"We've got everything from skeletons to the recently deceased."

"How recent?" Jack asked.

"I would say within the last few days. That's the one that smells the worst."
"What species is the most recent one can you tell?" Asked Jack

"Seems to be like a Star Nosed Mole..." Said Mr White "I can see his star nose starting to fall apart."
"That's enough," said Jack. "Get back here, and let's get off this island."
"Aye, captain!' Mr. White called from the depths. Slowly, the cobra began drawing himself back up.
Jack and the others watched the end of the rope tied to the tooth trees as it twitched and shook with Mr White's movements. Suddenly it grew still. They waited, then Captain Jack said, "Mr. White? Are you okay?"

There was no answer.

"Mr. White!" Jack repeated. Then, "You men, pull that rope up!"

It was an easy task for them because the rope was now only a few feet long. The end had been neatly severed.

"What happened to Mr. White?" asked a beaver.

Jack angrily threw down the short piece of rope. "How the hell should I know?"

"Now what?" Gulo asked.
The Bosun a Star Nosed Mole named Wendy Adams said "Did he say there was a Star Nosed Mole in their?"

"He did." Said Jack

"I think I know who that Mole is." Wendy said "My long lost Grandpa."

"How do you know?" Asked Jack

"I just know OK?" Said Wendy "I'll go down and fetch Mr. White."
"You be careful down there," said Jack. "You got twenty minutes. Get White, and get the hell out of there."
The bosun slid into the hole carefully. She didn't have to go far; the mole halted at where the rope must have been severed, casting about for a hiding place. Hanging well back from the entrance, none of the crew could see her progress, but they all heard the shout.

"Captain! Ahoy, Captain! There's some kind of crevice in the rock down here!" Her voice echoed up sepulchrally. "It goes deep , but I can smell a bit of fresh air down it! Someone must have hid in it and cut the rope!"

"Did you find Mr White?" Called Jack as he digested this.

"Yessir! He's here, at the bottom -with two yards of one of those stalagmity thingies run through his gizzard. Poor devil never even got to scream..."
"Do you see your grandpa, Wendy?" asked Jack.

"It's not my grandpa, sir. I guess you thought I was kind of foolish thinking it might be my grandpa."

"Not at all, Wendy. Now just get out of there as quick as you can."

"Okay, Captain Jack, I'm- Oh my God! What is that thing? AIIIEEE! It's horrible!"

"WENDY!" Jack yelled. "Get out of there! Pull on the rope, men. Pull like there is no tomorrow!"
They pulled on the rope, Wendy was pulled up and chewing on her ankle was a Piranha Anthro
Jack kicked the fish creature off of the bosun. "No wonder they don't like this place." He then took a quick look into the cave, and his eyes bulged at the sight. "Time to leave!"
A huge swarm of piranhas was bubbling up from the depths!
Jack and his men rowed back to the Hammerhead, arms pumping, spray splashing. And why were they so frightened? Beneath their boat they could see the shadows of piranhas, thousands of them, following along, waiting for someone to fall in perhaps? Or did the piranhas have even more sinister plans, like tipping the boat over?

As soon as they were back on board the Hammerhead, Jack yelled, "Hoist anchor! To hell with this damned island!"

And so once again the Hammerhead was steaming into the unknown, searching for treasure, or at least an island where no one got killed. Jack stared back at the island where his first mate, Walter White, had met his death and sighed. The second mate, Yellow Feather the canary, was in no way equipped to fill Walter White's shoes. Not that White had had any shoes, since he was a snake and had no feet.

Jack snapped his fingers. The elephant, Bone Glow, would make a perfect new first mate.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Chapter Three: The Island of Beauty?
As they moved away from the Island of the Piranhas, Jack felt he should have listened to Bone Glow's warning when he first heard it. The Third Mate, a Red Deer Stag named Swiftfoot, came in saying, "Captain! We're reaching the Legend! The Island of Beautiful Females!"
"In that case," said Jack. "Our surveying crew should contain only female officers and crewmembers. I've heard more than a few stories about that island, and it's effects on males."
"Bone Glow!" Jack said. "You will be my new first mate!"

"Aye, captain!" Bone Glow said. (Yellow Feather sulked a little, but was secretly happy to remain as second mate.)

"And you, Yellow Feather, will lead the expedition on shore. At leat, until we know if there is anything to this legend crap. I guess you all know how I feel about legends."

"You don't believe most of them, sir," said Yellow Feather.

"That's right! I'm a practical man and old stories are usually lies."
Willa was not pleased they were heading to the Island of Beautiful Females fearing they would steal Jack from her.
"Probably should be cautious though," said Jack. "And to learn to listen to some of my instincts."
From a distance, the ex-mythical island didn't look very threatening -or even inhabited. A big oil-spot of green foliage floating in the sapphire swell, circumferenced by a pristine beach of the finest pure white fish-droppings, without a rising plume of smoke or even an apparent large break in the tree-line indicating a settlement. No bustling metropolis.

Jack put away his telescope with a definitive snap. On the deck below him, the crew were busily preparing to lower one of the ship's boats into the surf. "Bone Glow!" He called down. "Feel free to take this opportunity to speak with Mr. Gulo, now would you? Tell him that you've been given permission to take the biggest and best guns we have until the island is fully mapped out. I don't want to lose any more crew members because I forbid them to carry weapons."
"Yo ho ho!" sang Bone Glow as the men rowed the boat ashore. "Do we have a Michael in the crew?"

"There's Big Mike down in the coal room," said a rower.

"Never mind. He needed to be a rowing. Now men, if we do happen to see some beautiful females, just remember your manners... me first!"

The men laughed and pulled a little harder at the oars.

They were approached by a single Female, a Vixen wearing a lei and Hula Skirt

"Welcome!" Said the Vixen putting leis over all of the men
"Well, this is the start of a nice welcome," said one of the crewmen.
"It's completely true," He added to his colleges ludly. "We are in the presence of legendary beauty on this island."
The Vixen, who had beautiful blonde fur with white patches in interesting places, giggled and batted her eyelashes. "My name is Aloha Wahoo. What might be the names of you gents?"

Bone Glow bowed and said, "I am Bone Glow, the mightiest elephant whatever walked the face of this earth, and these be me loyal comrades." He indicated the other six men with a sweep of his trunk.

Berrlingson, a koala
Anchorsmith, a toucan
Shakal, a tigershark

As he pointed out each of the others they all winked or bowed or did something foolish. The fourth crewman kneeled and kissed the Vixen's hand. "And who might this fascinating gentlemen be?" she asked.

"I am Zip the Zebra." Said the Forth Crewman "My big equine lips are made for kissing."
"Anyone else?" the vixen asked. "One wants to make sure of things."
"For being pushy and loud and rude!" Offered Anchorsmith, elbowing the equine aside. "With a fine, glossy beak like mine, you'll find you never have such troubles, my dear!"

"Aloha!" A voice called from the far side of a knoll before the bemused vixen could respond. "Do we have guests?"

"And are you hogging them all to your own self again?" Added another. "Come on now -let us have a turn!"

Jaws dropped as two more beautiful women hove into view around the hillock.
One was a female Cheetah and the other was a hippo.

"She's for me!" Bone Glow said. "I like my women with a big bottom!"

Meanwhile, Aloha Wahoo approached the two crewmen who Bone Glow had ignored in his introductions. They both happened to be shy animals and were staring at their feet, not knowing what to do.

"What's your name?" asked Aloha.
"I'm...Topsy the Turtle." Said One

"I'm...Nutbrown the Hare." Said the Other
"We'll see what we can do about your shyness," said Aloha.
"Uhhhhh..." The two nervous crewbeasts swapped glances.

"Come on!" Aloha took them both by the shoulders and began leading them off a short distance. "Come on; I'll help you!"
"What are you going to do?" Nutbrown asked.

"I'm going to hit you over the head with a shovel and bury you in a hole," said Aloha.

Nutbrown dug his feet into the ground, then relaxed. "Oh, you're just making a joke, aren't you?"

Topsy rolled his eyes. "You are so gullible, Nutbrown!"

Meanwhile the Cheetah, whose name was Chili Manyana, was rubbing up against Shakal, the Tiger Shark. "Oooo, I just love sharks. They're so big, bad, and ferocious."

"You better believe it baby," growled Shakal. "I'm an apex predator in the food chain."

"I don't know what that means," purred Chili, "but I love it when you growl like that."
Meanwhile, deep within the Island's Forest, the Queen of the Island, an Ancient Three Story Tall Dragoness named Queen Aleena was approached by a Gazelle Woman named Spring

"Men!" Said Spring "Men have returned to the Island!"

"Excellent." Said the Queen
Meanwhile, Willa was watching things. "Something is wrong here."
"But as long as Jack doesn't go ashore, things should be alright." She added to herself.
"What are you looking at through that telescope?" Jack asked when he saw Willa at the railing.

"Just making sure Bone Glow and the men aren't in any trouble," Willa said.

"Bone Glow can take care of himself. Too bad he wasn't my first mate from the beginning."

"Do you still feel bad about losing Mr White?"

"You know I do. That old snake sailed with me for a long time. I never did know much about his life away from sea though. I don't even know if he was married or where his parents might live."

"If we ever get back home," Willa said, "maybe someone there can..." Then she choked up and couldn't continue.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked.

"Nothing. It's just that I have had this feeling that none of us will ever make it back home alive."

"Nonsense," Jack said. "And do NOT share that feeling with anyone. The men can get superstitious about such things."

"I know. I'm sorry I said anything."
"Then have hope," said Jack.
"In any case, I think we can stand to stop here for a few days," Said Jack, squinting at the distant shoreline of the island. "I don't think that anyone present aboard the ship will find fault with me for the break." He gave her an apologetic glance. "Its only a shame that there's no island of beautiful men-folk, isn't it?"

"Oh, I think that's alright with me, Captain." Willa took the excuse to stare back at him as intently as she dared for a long moment.
Jack felt vaguely uncomfortable. Willa was a great cook, but sometimes she stared at him like he was a dish to be eaten and enjoyed.

On the island Bone Glow was paired up with Myrtle the hippo and Shakal was with Chili the cheetah.

"This is the life, ain't it?" said Bone Glow as he sipped on his drink from half a coconut shell. The island women had developed 17 different ways to get high, including rum drinks and trance dancing.

Aloha Wahoo was teaching Topsy and Nutbrown how to dance. "Now you put your left foot in, then take your left foot out..."

Zip the zebra was so drunk he was kissing the back of his hand and saying, "My big equine lips are made for kissing," over and over in a slurred voice.

The dragon woman Queen Aleena and the gazelle woman Spring were talking quietly with Anchorsmith the toucan and Berrlingson the koala. Berrlingson was a bit of a scholar and he was fascinated to hear Queen Aleena's tales of island lore. It seemed the dragon queen was remarkably old, several centuries, and she had a perfect memory for the island's history.

"We are always so glad when men visit the island," said Queen Aleena, "because it gives us a chance to reproduce."
"Why don't men stay on the island full time?" Asked Anchorsmith
"It's difficult to explain to a foreigner," said the Queen.
"No one knows why -not even me," Said Aleena. "But if a man tries to stay on the island for more than a year, then the Wasting starts."

"The... What?" Blinked Anchorsmith.

"It's out term for a strange illness that besets even the hardiest men after a 12-month period," Explained the dragoness. "They grow lethargic, tired, and start to become thinner, simply wasting away before our eyes, no matter how healthy and vital they were before."

"Hmm... " Mused Anchorsmith. "Then what if they stay twelve months, then hop in a boat and row a few miles away, and then row back? Does it start the cycle all over again?"

"To our great regret, it's as if the Island somehow knows how long they've been, as if it recognizes them." She shook her horned head distastefully. "Just over 360 days is the limit, as far as we'v ever been able to tell."
"Very strange..." Berrlingson murmured. "So I guess the men only stay for a few weeks and then leave?"

"No," said Aleena. "They never leave."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean no man who visits the Island of Beauty has ever left it. They are all buried here in a lovely graveyard."

"I see...." Berrlingson said. "Anchorsmith, can I have a word with you please?"

He drew his fellow crewman off to the side where the women could not hear him. "Do you realize what she is saying?"

"That this is a wonderful island that no one wants to leave?" Anchorsmith said.

"That's what you took from that? She is saying any man who visits here can never leave and then he only lives for a year and then dies!"

"Pshaw! They can't stop us from leaving."

Berrlingson's face softened. "Yeah. What am I thinking? We're the ones with the guns."
Meanwhile another Vixen named Ichigo lighted the ceremonial fires
Jack was watching through his spyglass. "Something is very wrong here."
"But -really guys," Whispered Berrlingson fervently. "Do you really want to stay here forever? No offence to these ladies, but we came all this way to explore! We need to go home again! Do you all really want to die here without seeing what's over the next horizon? The next wave?"

"Water," Slurred Zip, as the others shifted about and performed some hasty soul-searching. "Water, water, and more boiling water after that! We already know full well what's over the horizon, mate. For all I care, what's over the horizon can bloody well stay there- me? I'm never leaving this place."

"Yeah -it's a bit early to talk about leaving, is it not?" Added Anchorsmith. "We've all been cooped up in the Hammer's hold for months on end, without a single woman 'atwixt us. I still worry that I'm going to wake up and discover that this has all be yet just another beautiful dream...."

"Wait, what about ...Wendy?" Asked Topsy. "She and Willa are both women, and crewmembers."

"Our beloved bosun- she'll be the one waking me up from this glorious fantasy of mine." Said the toucan. "She took away all my innocence; as I lad, I always thought women with tight clothing and whips were the Rig. Then I shipped out, saw Wendy with her breeches and cat-o-nine, and I swear I almost jumped right back off the ship again."

"At least we'll always have Willa to keep us sane, right?" Said Topsy.

"Mebbe -it really depends how you define 'women'," Said Anchorsmith, tapping a this beak thouhgtfully. "The connotations seem mighty particular to me... 'Sides, she's obsessed with the Captain."

"And all this doesn't change the fact that we have to leave soon," Said Berlingson. "Leave, and never come back! Even you, Zip. You're a part of this crew as much as anyone, and we're not leaving you."
"My big equine lips are made for kissing," Zip said.

"Even though we ought to leave you," Berlingson said, "you big dumb zebra. C'mon everybody! Time to go back to the ship!"

"Sit down, Mister Berlingson!" said Bone Glow. "What's gotten into ye? Am I not the commander of this little expedition? I be the one who says when or if we leave."

"We MUST leave, sir!" said Berlingson. "These women are enchanting us! They mean to keep us here forever!"

"And what's wrong with that? It's lovely here. Don't you agree?"

"No! All of you are already enchanted except me!"

"Perhaps you don't prefer the ladies, Mister Berlingson. There be many sailors that do not, I hear."

"I'm not gay! Queen Aleena told me herself what will happen to us! We'll die here if we don't leave!"
Just then two Dancing Skulls with flames for eyes, one Skull was of a Fox the other was of a Cat

"You must leave the Island!" Said the Two Skulls "The Wicked Vixen is planning your demise?"

"Who? Aloha?" Asked Bone Glow

"Not her, the Fox with Pink Fur named Ichigo." said the Skulls
"When skulls are telling you to leave, it's a good idea to heed their advice," said Berlingson.
"Boooooooooooooooo," moaned the skulls sepulchrally, bobbing in mid-air. "Leeeaavveee thiiiis plaaaccceee! Ooooooooooooo."
"I've seen better special effects at me former captain's Halloween parties," said Bone Glow. "Did you rig up those skulls, Berlingson?"

"I did not, sir!" Berlingson said. "In my opinion they are a supernatural manifestation sent by our guardian angel."

"We have a guardian angel, do we? I'll tell you what, Berlingson. You and your little gay buddy Topsy take the boat back to the ship and get Captain Jack's opinion, eh?"

"I'm not gay!" Berlingson said. "And trying to row the boat with only me and Topsy would be extremely difficult!"

"But not impossible, eh Berlingson? You decide what you want to do. Stay or go."
Just then the Pink Fox Ichigo arrived
"This isn't good," said Berlingson.
The gorgeous vixen did a quintuple-take at the floating skulls; which were still industriously moaning and groaning out abysmal chthonic warnings.

"Uh... Are you men alright? Have I.... Missed something important?" She said slowly, giving the inflammable apparitions a wide berth.

"My big equine lips are made for kissing!" declared Zip proudly- and then fell over, snoring before he had hit the ground.
"Made for kissing what?" Ichigo said. "Pumpkins?"

"No, we're not alright," Berlingson said. "Can you help us get off the island?"

"Why would I want to do that?" asked Ichigo. "You just got here and you haven't 'done your business' yet if you know what I mean. Wink wink."

"You mean... that reproductive stuff? How can I think about sex when I know I'm going to die?!"

Ichigo looked disgusted. "Oh calm down, you big wussy! What if it was a battle? Would you run away even though you might die if you stay?"

"I might," Berlingson said.
"Hold it right there!" Came a new voice

Everyone looked there was a Grey Female Mouse but her left leg and left eye was missing, in her left socket was a small fire,The Mouse hobbled over the Ichigo

"It's all your fault!" Said the Mouse "You started the curse hundreds of years ago that Males would start dying on our island!"

"What?!" Said Bone Glow "You're hundreds of years old?"

"Don't listen to her!" Said Ichigo trying to hold the Mouse back

"It's true!" Said the Mouse "When I protested she took my left leg and eye!"
"Now might be a good time to leave," said Berlingson.
"Mr Berlingson," gritted Bone Glow. "As leader of this expedition - and with every last ounce of power invested in me by Captain Jack, our recognized superior officer- I am ordering you to shut up! There will be no more talk of this 'leaving' business, am I understood?"

"No!" Yelled the koala, as if half-crazed. Soon, from the position of Bone Glow's fist, it looked like it was about to come to blows- when the demonic newcomer ripped away Ichigo's paw and managed to speak up.

"He's right, you have to leave! Or you'll all be killed in the Wasting!" Yelled the mouse, as the rest of the shore party traded confused glances.

"But, we all knew that already..." Said Topsy, ears flopping.
"When did Topsy grow ears?" Anchorsmith whispered.

Topsy overheard. "What? I have ears?" She felt the strange floppy things on her head. "How did this happen?"

"It is the beginning of the Wasting," intoned the one-armed mouse. "Now it is too late. You should have left when I told you to."

"But you just told us, you crazy mouse!" said Bone Glow. "Men! Draw your weapons! Something strange this way comes! And you, crazy mouse, stand right there and don't move or I'll blow that other arm off."

Queen Aleena came running up. "What's going on here? Why is everyone in such a tizzy?"
The Mouse, Louisa told Queen Aleena the whole story

"Why did you never tell me before?" Asked the Queen

"Ichigo said if I told anyone she would take away all my eyes and limbs." Said the Mouse

The Dragon turned to the Pink Vixen "Why did you do it?!" She asked "Why did you curse our entire land for 300 years?"
"This is going to be interesting," said Berlingson.
Ichigo pointed at Aleena. "Because of you, bitch!"

Aleena squinted. "What?! What did I ever do to cause this?"

"You know what you did! Chili Manyana told me the whole story!"

Chili started waving her hands. "Now wait a minute, girlfriend! You leave me out of this. I didn't never say nothing bad about Aleena!"

"And Aloha knows, too!" Ichigo said.

Aloha also did not want to be involved. "Don't listen to her, Aleena! I know nothing!"

Aleena's voice was so low it was a growl. "You are a big troublemaker, Ichigo. I've been letting you slide for too long."
Seeing the ensuing ....Cat Fight (Cats everywhere hate that term) Finally caused Bone Glow to snap out of his enchantment

"Now I remember why I never got married." Said the Elephant
"The wife was too argumentative?" Berlingson suggested.

"Extremely," said Bone Glow.
He felt his ears; large before, now they were almost starting to drag on the ground.

"Oh no! The Wasting -it must be happening to me too!"

Topsy was still twitching his own outlandish new appendages.

"Well our hosts are still getting themselves sorted out," ("Bitch!" slap "Hussy!" slap "Whore!" slap) "I just hope that these things are reversible. I'm going to look mighty silly as the first turtle with big ears."
Bone Glow put his fists on his hips. "Mister Berlingson. Watching these ladies fight has taken the blinders off me eyes. Now I realize there may be some sense in what you say. To the boat, men! And use those guns if anyone tries to stop us!"

Their scramble to get back to the boat met with no resistance from the beautiful women, who were now all involved in a knock-down, drag-out, major hissy fit of a fight. Their screams and curses filled the air.

"Row!" yelled Bone Glow. "Row! Row! Row!"

Zip, who was still drunk, automatically added "...your boat," in a low voice.
As they reached the Hammerhead the wasting started to wear off
"Nice to see you back, gentlemen," said Jack. "Seems you caused an argument on shore."

"Sir, when you write up the reports, suggest sending a boat crewed by female officers and crewpersons," said Bone Glow. "That place is not good for males."
"On that note, Mr. Bone Glow, I haven't heard a single report back as to what happened to your Party since you landed." Noted Jack curtly. "Would you be so generous as to dispel the ignorance of a poor, humble Commanding Officer?" The First Mate was vaguely surprised that sarcasm didn't actually splatter on the deck as it dripped off his Captain's words.

"My, apologies, Cap'n. The story... Well, it's rather convoluted, as it were. We confirmed that the island is indeed the legendary landing populated exclusively by beautiful women- but also that it produces a tasteless, odourless, miasma of sorts toxic to men over long durations. In the short term, it just makes them grow funny ears."

" 'Funny ears' ?" Jack frowned. "I'm surprised you didn't stay longer, then. I'd half expect the men to mutiny if they thought it would get them a woman. They were grumbling about not getting to go in the Shore Party while you were away."

"Aye; about that, sir, one of the locals -a vixen, it was- put a kind of spell on us. If it weren't for Mister Berlingson over there, we might never have snapped out of it! In any case, the other natives found out and they all fell to arguing, and so we decided to cast off sharpish."
One of the men who had not gone ashore, a kangaroo called Wild Bill, said, "It's a load of poppycock, Captain Jack! They lollygag with the women all day and then come back here and tell us the island put a spell on them. Aye, there was a spell alright, the spell of spending all day with a beautiful woman! The rest of us deserve our chance!"

"You're wrong!" Berlingson said. "It's an evil place! The women are evil!"

Wild Bill pointed a finger at Berlingson. "Oh, shut your gay mouth, Berly! Why you and Topsy didn't stay aboard ship cuddling with each other, I don't know."

"I'm not gay!" Berlingson said.

"Alright!" yelled Captain Jack. "Everybody calm down. Now, let me get this straight, Mister Bone Glow. You say the island is indeed inhabited by beautiful women, but you feel they put a spell on you and were going to keep you there forever, but then they started fighting with each other and that broke the spell and so you escaped. Is that your story?"

"That's it, Captain! You understand it perfectly!"

"I understand it, Mister Bone Glow, but I can hardly believe it. It seems most unlikely. Tell me, were any alcoholic drinks served to you?"

Bone Glow shrugged. "Aye, there might have been a few."

"I thought so," Jack said, "because the stink of alcohol is still on you. Listen up, men! I want six of you who did not go ashore with Bone Glow to prepare a boat. You will be going ashore with me!"
None of the Hammerhead Men had any idea they were being watched by a Giant Sea Serpent
"You might be better off with females on the boat instead of males," said Willa. "Might make things safer at any rate."
"Fine then! Willa, Wendy- you're coming with us!" Said Jack. "Topsy, Berlingson, prepare to lower the boat. Only you and your unique tastes will be able to resist the women's devilish charms."

"For the last time, we are not gay!" Cried Topsy, though his Captain never heard him.
The boat containing Captain Jack and Willa and Wendy and Berlingson and Topsy and Wild Bill and Embargo the mudskipper set off for the island. Willa DuWitt seemed to be in a particularly bad mood.

"Row to the island!" Jack said, "and we'll go looking for these legendary beauties."


Meanwhile, on the Hammerhead, Bone Glow and Gulo Gulo were staring over the rail at a huge shadow in the water. "That's a mighty big snake," Bone Glow said.

"That it is," agreed Gulo Gulo. "My guns are loaded and ready."

Bone Glow called out to the men: 'Everyone be very quiet! There be a serpent beneath the Hammerhead and I wish to give him no reason to become curious about us."
On the Island, the argument between the Pink Fox and the Queen Dragon erupted into a huge fight amongst all the Beauties of the Island
"Captain, I hope you use the head on your shoulders, and not the one in your pants," sad Willa.

"What are you talking about?" asked Jack.

"This will be the second time you've ignored clear warnings to stay away from a dangerous place," said Willa. "The First time cost us First Mate White. Something happens this time, I'm going to get a fish, leave it to get really ripe in the sun, serve it in a pie loaded with spices you can't handle, burn said pie, have you eat it in front of the crew, and have you wash it down with vinegar."

"Are you saying that you'll poison me with bad cooking?" Jack asked.

"No, but you'll be sick for half a day, and you'll be getting off lightly," said Willa. "Other captains have been hung by their own officers and crewmen for causing unnecessary deaths, and even the Admiralty, or whomever that was in charge, approved of such measures. Some places call such things Justifiable Homicides, where one kills another, to prevent the other from committing crimes that would be far worse than the act of murder - like getting everyone on a ship killed for your own glory!"

"How do you know that?" Jack asked.

"A few of my brothers are lawyers," said Willa. "Makes things easier when certain other family members are accused of criminal acts, like piracy and mutiny, and other such things."
"Well, I will certainly think of all that you've said, Ms. Willa." Said Jack soberly. "If only you'll think of this: Contrary to what appears to be the popular opinion held by the honourable compliment aboard my good vessel, conspiracy to commit murder, plotting to mutiny, refusal to follow direct orders, and threatening a superior officer with death are, in fact, frowned upon -yes, frowned upon!- by many captains in the navy.
         'Now, my arrogant in-subordinate, I just so happen to be one of them; hence a problem has been created. Luckily for the both of us, it contains two solutions. The first, decent one, involves clapping you in irons in the brig on half-rations for the remainder of our voyage. However, I would instead merely seek the alternative, and ask that you keep your talk of lynchings and mutiny to yourself for the time being, that we may both forget that this disagreeable conversation had ever ensued."

"Aye, Cap'n." Willa gave her oar an especially sharp tug.
They reached the beach and pulled the landing boat out of the water. Although no one was on the beach, they could hear screams and shouting coming from beyond the sand dunes.

"I wonder what that is all about?" Jack asked.

"Want me to go see, Captain?" asked the eager little mudskipper, Embargo.

"We will ALL go see," said Jack and they headed for the noise.
They entered the Jungle of the Island, they saw rolling on the ground a Cheetah and a Gazelle beating each other up
"Well, this is interesting," said Jack.

"I'll tell you what will be more interesting," said Willa. "All of us getting off of this island before we get caught up in some Civil War, instead of standing around like a bunch of morons that decided to watch a catfight, and by cats, I'm talking about the sort of people that shouldn't be called women."

"Then, why are you here?" Jack asked.

"Keeping you alive," said Willa. "These aren't the only two - there's a bunch more, all arguing."

"How do you know?" Jack asked.

"Because I was born with ears and a nose," said Willa. "I smell multiple people besides us, and I can hear them, all arguing."
"Well, what are they arguing about?" Asked Embargo, doing a little dance of impatience. Behind him, Wild Bill seemed enthralled by the ongoing tussle.

"They seem to be feuding..." Willa cocked her head dramatically. "Over the idea of killing all the men who come to their island. Well, then, would you hear that? It looks like we really ought to leave, sir! Right away!"
Captain Jack sighed. "Willa, Willa, Willa... You're a wonderful cook, but that doesn't make you an excellent judge of situations. I, on the other hand, cannot even cook a radish, but I am an excellent judge of situations."

"I disagree, Captain," Willa said. "How many crew members are dead already? Did you judge those situations correctly?"

Just then the cheetah and the gazelle noticed they were being watched. "Would you look at this, Spring?" said Chili Manyana, the cheetah. "We have an audience."

"What are you birds staring at?" yelled Spring, the gazelle. (You would think a gazelle would be shy, but she had a voice like a foghorn.)
"We came to see what was going on." Said Jack
"And I advise we leave," said Willa. "After all, this isn't a lover's quarrel, and I don't think that these people are very happy at the moment."
"Avast- we need to know what's going on," Insisted Jack. "Excuse me, ladies, but could you tell me who rules this island, and where we might hi- her? I fear my crew may have already stirred up some manner of trouble, and I hope to put it to rights before long."
Chili Manyana sidled up to him. "Say, mate, you're kind of good-looking, aren't you?"

Jack shrugged. "Some people seem to think so."

Willa did a face palm.

Chili yelled at Spring, "What do you think? Shall we carry these birds to the cat? I mean, the... what did you call it, mister? the ruler?"

Spring laughed. Her laugh sounded like a rusty Halloween toy. "Take me to your ruler! Let's take them! Come along, gents! Just follow us and meet the queen!"

Willa tugged at Jack's sleeve. "No, Jack. Let's go back. Now!"

Wild Bill pushed her aside. "Quit trying to spoil our fun, Willa. I want to see these beauties."
However they were stopped halfway by Tusk the Elephant Cow

"No visitors!" Said Tusk "Not until "Ichigo's trial is complete."
"I hope someone will learn to listen to the warnings that are saying that we aren't welcome here," said Willa. "Otherwise they'll look like an idiot in the Afterlife."
"But we need to know what's going on!" Protested Jack.
"No visitors!" Tusk repeated. "Go sit on the beach until the trial is over. It won't be long."


Inside the Beauty Island Courtroom, Ichigo's lawyer, Mac the Shark, was summing up his case:

"And in conclusion, your honor, there is no way a beautiful fox like Ichigo could have done what it's claimed she did. And may I remind her honor that her good friend Aloha Wahoo is also a fox, so she should know that that no fox could ever be all bad."

Queen Aleena was a dragon and actually believed that pretty much everybody except dragons were bad in some way or another, but you couldn't throw them all in jail or you would have no subjects to rule. She made her announcement:

"I realize many of you think Ichigo deserves punishment (scattered applause and boos) and many of you think the charges are unfair (more applause and boos). I don't think what she did is all that serious. On the other hand, it can't be overlooked. I understand we have some male visitors. I recommend that Ichigo's punishment be that she is tied to a pole, stripped naked, and beaten with a whip while these men watch."

Mac the Shark lept to his feet. "WHAT?! That's preposterous! It sounds like some kind of sleazy soft-core pornography out of an old men's magazine. I protest!"

"In that case, you can share her punishment," said Aleena.
"And now you're just making it homoerotic!" Moaned Mac. "I declare, this punishment is cruel and un-un un... usual...." He trailed off as a gorgeous macko shark in an undersized dominatrix outfit stepped forward, cracking her whip over one latex-bound knee promisingly.

"Hurry up, in the name of the Law!" A nearly-nude Mac thrust himself at the jailer next to the set of punishment posts; even through her black hood, she looked noticeably alarmed at the frantic shark's advance. "Well, don't just stand there! Haven't you ever tied a knot before? String me up!"

Farther down the line of posts, from where she was trying to ignore the sleazy photographer and the raunchy music record playing, a tightly bound and completely naked Ichigo wished she had an arm free to face-paw.
Jack and his crew were lined up to watch. Of course, Willa and Wendy didn't think very highly of the show.

"Ugh!" Wendy said. "These women have never heard of feminism. How can they turn each other into sex objects like this?"

"Quiet!" Wild Bill said. "It's not our place to judge the customs of another culture."

"And why not?" Wendy said. "I'll judge all I want to, thank you, Mister Bill!"
We interrupt this erotic passage to bring you this.

The Dodos are attacked by Hostile Wasp People
As far as we can tell from the reports, the Dodos stuck their heads in the sand, and were promptly stung on their behinds.

Many casualties are reported, but thankfully, unlike most other parts of this story, there were no fatalities.

The Dodos were taken captive by the Wasps, and were treated for their injuries, with plenty of comforts, while their Chieftain was forced to sign a Surrender agreement with the Wasp Leader.
And speaking of casualties...

"Okay, that was the quite possibly the least erotic thing that I have ever seen, and I once accidentally walked in on Wendy taking a bath." Said Jack. Next to him, his companions rolled on the ground, busily retching up what seemed to be the entire mashed contents of their respective coeloms. The bosun was far too occupied too complain. "I mean, you smashed him right in two with the handle of your whip! I've never seen a man explode into so many individual pieces! This entire courthouse is covered in bits and pieces of Shark Lawyer now!"

"Plus, Mac was also one of the only men still on the island," noted Aloha. "And since our latest visitors won't breed with us, we may have a dearth of sperm in future."

"Well," Ichigo did an uncomfortable shimmy trying to break free of the pole, ignoring the camera-beast's ensuing cat call. "Clearly this 'whipping', or 'annihilating, or 'atomizing', or whatever you want to call it, clearly it is too extreme for this case. Plus, there's absolutely nothing attractive about people blowing up under concussive force."

"Actually," Said a honey-bee local. "When the males of my species orgasm, they completely explode! I think it's amazing, and the expressions are always hilarious." Ichigo shimmied the other way, giving her an odd look.
"Silence!" yelled Queen Aleena. "I see that I have only succeeded in making all of you uncomfortable. Good! Try living 700 years like I have and see how uncomfortable you get. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over three centuries!"

"No wonder she is such a grouch," whispered Wendy.

"I heard that!" shouted Aleena. "How would you like to be tied to a pole?"

You could hear a pin drop. Aleena was intimidating. It helped that she was a dragon and bigger than anyone else around her by far.

Willa decided to take action. She shuffled up to Aleena, head bowed, and did a deep curtsy. "If it please your majesty, I, a humble visitor to your fair island, would like to have a private word with you."

Aleena was a sucker for a good curtsy. "Very well. Come with me."

Wendy nudged Jack with her elbow. "You get that woman off that pole right now!"

Reluctantly, Jack gave the necessary orders and soon everyone was dressed and decent again... except Mac the Shark, of course. His remains were tossed in the sea which boiled in frenzy as the other sharks fought to devour a piece of their own.

"Ain't nature beautiful?" Wild Bill said.
Willa asked Queen Aleena "If Ichigo was the one who cursed the island in the first place, then is it possible that Ichigo or someone else can remove or apply an antidote spell?"
The queen did some thinking. "I guess it's possible."
When Willa and Queen Aleena returned to the group, Aleena raised her hands and said, "Quiet, everyone. I have an announcement to make. My new friend Willa has helped me to understand several things.

First of all, feminism. From now on the women of this island will act in a dignified way with self-respect. No more throwing ourselves at every man who visits the island."

"Awww, shit!" Wild Bill exclaimed. "Why do you have to change the rules right when I get here?"

"The other thing," Aleena continued, "Is that we are going to try to lift the curse from this island."

"It ain't a curse!" yelled Wild Bill. "It's a blessing!"

Willa pulled Wendy aside. "Let's you and me go look for the source of this island's magic. It won't be out in the open. Ten to one it's in a cave or a grove of trees or behind a waterfall."

"What about Aleena?" Wendy said.

"She will be talking with Ichigo."

"That Kangaroo worries me." Wendy said "I think he has more then a few screws loose."

Meanwhile the sea serpent who had been watching the ship, decided it would be more fun to screw with the Boat People's heads
"I hope nothing bad happens," said Bone Glow, as he watched the creature. "Hopefully it will think of the boat as a scratching post, and nothing more."
The serpent began rocking the boat, by repeatedly smashing its head against the side.

Gulo clung onto one of the smoke-stacks as the ship swayed, hull screaming in protest, the wolverine holding his gun like a comfort blanket.

"Sir!" He called to Bone Glow. "Permission to blow this beasty out of the water?!"
"Permission granted!" yelled Bone Glow. "Here he comes again!"

When the serpent raised its head to strike the side of the ship, Gulo let loose with a dozen rounds of high caliber machine gun fire from the deck gun.

The serpent screamed in rage and fell back into the water with a mighty splash.

The sharks had been waiting for an excuse to go into a feeding frenzy and a little serpent blood in the water was all they needed. Soon the ocean was boiling with sharks and pieces of serpent flesh.

"Good shooting, Mister Gulo!" said Bone Glow.


Meanwhile, on Beauty Island, Willa and Wendy had discovered a cave behind a waterfall. Inside the cave the sunlight that filtered in through the falling water twinkled and danced on the wet rocks.

"It looks so magical in here!" Wendy said.

Willa nodded. "That a good sign."
"Just then the two of them heard the sounds of low talking, thy peeked behind the corner and saw two of the tribal women, A Horse and a Deer talking to each other

"As soon as Ichigo lifts the curse let's kill both her and the Queen." Said the Horse
"And more trouble," whispered Willa.
They ducked behind the bend.

"Maybe there's some extenuating circumstances," Said Willa weakly. "It could be a joke or something."

"And remember- this is not a joke!" Said the conspiring doe. "We flat out want to murder Aleena and Ichigo! There are no extenuating circumstances!"
"That's weird the way they echo our thoughts," Wendy said.

"It's not weird, you little doofus," said the horse. "This cave has acoustical properties. We can hear you just like you can hear us."

"Oh," Wendy said. "Why do you want to kill the Queen?"

"Because it's time for a new era of leadership. She's been queen for over 500 years. That's too long! Give someone else a chance!"

"Like you?" Willa said.

"That's right," said the horse. "And I'll do a better job. Now if you'll excuse us, me and this doe have things to do."

As the horse and doe left, Willa said, "Aren't you afraid we'll tell the queen about your plans?"

"No, because she will not believe you. She doesn't trust outsiders."

"C'mon!" Willa said to Wendy. "Let's keep looking for the source of the island's magic. It's got to be in here somewhere."

"Do you think the magic is why everyone, well, not everyone, just the females, on this island lives so long?"

"Of course!" Willa said. "And it's why the men die quickly."
They traveled further and further into the cave, it grew so dark they couldn't see anything, then suddenly! A light!

A Giant Floating Crystal, hovering over what looked like a pool of Crystal Clear water

"There it is!" Willa said licking her lips "The Magic!"

"Are you sure?" Wendy asked

"Sure I'm sure." Willa said as she reached for the Crystal

"Willa...I'm not sure you should do that." Said the Mole "Willa...Willa!"

As soon as Willa removed the Crystal from it's place hovering above the water the ground began shaking and they heard an eerie sound like screaming hawks and icy winds.
On the Hammerhead, Bone Glow was looking through binoculars at the island. "That isn't good."

"What happened?" asked Gulo.

"The island is shaking," said Bone Glow. "The men are running around in a panic. Trees are falling. I told him not to go there."
"Don't panic, men!" said Captain Jack. "I think it's just an earthquake."

But Queen Aleena knew what was happening. "The magic! Something has happened to the magic!"

"Oh no!" said Chili Manyana. "Hurry! We must fix it before it's too late!"

"Hey!" said Wild Bill. "Why do you women all suddenly have grey hair?"

"It's too late!" moaned Chili. "I can barely walk!"

Captain Jack and his crew watched in horror as one by one the women of Beauty Island fell to their knees, then collapsed on the ground as their skin grew wrinkled and their hair fell out. Then the real horror began as decay rapidly claimed the bodies of the women. Soon the stench of rotting flesh filled the air.

Some of the men puked. "To the boat!" Jack said.

"What about Wendy and Willa? Oh! Here they come."

"What's happening?" Willa said.

Jack pointed at the rotting bodies and Willa and Wendy exchanged glances with each other but neither said anything about the cave.

"Let's get off this island now!" Jack said.

As they rowed away, they could see the leaves on the trees turning brown and falling off and then the bare trunks of the trees falling. Soon the Island of Beauty looked like a wasteland, an ugly wasteland.



"I don't know what to say Willa." Jack said "Either you did something awful by killing the Island of Beauty, or you did something good by ending the unnaturalness that was the Island of Beauty, you killed everyone there but it seemed everyone there was a bunch of jerks."

Just then, Topsy came in saying "Sir! Right ahead of us! There is a Massive Battle at sea!"

"Who is fighting?" Asked Jack

"The Wasps and the Bees!" Said Topsy

Chapter Four: The Wasps ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"I hope we can sail on through," said Jack. "I don't fancy getting caught up in a stinging war."

"Well, here some good news," said Willa. "You don't don't need to worry about being forced to eat my Extra Spicy and Stinky Fish Pie with Vinegar for a drink."
"I'm relieved to hear that, Willa." Said Jack, calling out over the thunder and crack of distant guns. Distant, but coming closer with every wave.
"Hard to starboard!" yelled Captain Jack. "We're going to sail around the battle of the Wasps and the Bees."

Anchorsmith was up in the Crow's Nest. "I think they've already spotted us, Captain Jack. There be a Wasp ship headed toward us!"

"Gulo Gulo! Get our guns ready! All hands on deck!"
"And get all the flowers out of our ship and into the water!" Yelled Jack
"Fire only if they fire first, and hoist a white flag," said Jack.

"Isn't that the sign of Surrender?" Gulo asked.

"It's also the sign of Truce," said Willa. "They can't fire at us, and we can't fire at them. Besides, given that there is a large number of them, and only one of us, it would make sense for us to fly it as we try to go around this battle, so that neither side will shoot at us on purpose."

"But what if they fire upon us, despite the flag?" asked Gulo.

"Then shoot back," said Jack. "But only if they attack us."
"Here they come," Said Willa nervously, leaning over the rail.

"They don't look very friendly, sir." Added Shackal to Bone Glow, the tigershark fingering a rifle as he leaned over the edge.
The wasp ship was streamlined with a pinched waist. It was painted in tones of yellow and brown and black. It even had eyes painted on the bow, like a wasp.

From a loudspeaker on the wasp ship an angry voice came buzzing across the waves. "Youze are inz disputed territoryz!"

Captain Jack put a megaphone to his lips and yelled back. "We know that! We are sailing around! We have no intention of taking part in the hostilities!"

"Why don't they show themselves?" Shakal asked Bone Glow. "There is no one on the deck of their ship."

"I don't know much about the Wasps," Bone Glow said. "But that's a glorious ship. Makes the Hammerhead look like an old tugboat."

"We Wasps will not tolerate any creatures who are not Wasps in our territories!" Said the Voice
"We are a neutral ship, and thus we are avoiding this fight," said Jack into the megaphone. "However, if you attack us, it will be considered a declaration of war, and our fleet will annihilate yours."

"Your vessel is nothing but junk," came the Wasps' speaker's voice. "We'll destroy your fleet."

"Our vessel is a Retired Navy Vessel, that is, obsolete for military duty," said Jack. "Our current vessels would destroy yours in a heartbeat. So let us pass, or you'll see a whole lot of death."
There was a brief pause as the other vessel considered Jack's belligerent threats.

"Captain...." Asked Bone Glow slowly. "Is it really a good idea to taunt someone considerably more powerful and better-armed than-"

"Hush, Mate!" Said Jack. "It's a brilliant idea. Everyone knows that Wasps are cowards! They'll never stand up to naturally superior mammals like us!"

"Sir, I'm standing right here. You don't have to use the megaphone. That thing really carries..."

"Wait -I think they're responding! Ahoy, Wasps, I repeat -our navy is awesome. You wouldn't dare to mess with us!" Jack's chest puffed out, as the enemy guns pivoted the last few inches to point at the Hammerhead bridge.

"Your commanders will never find your bodies," Said the Wasp spokesperson. "If you will not leave our waters, then you may go to the bottom of them. Fire!"

A shimmering globule of venom came spinning through the air toward the Hammerhead and splashed against the deck near Jack and Bone Glow.

"Hard to starboard!" Yelled Jack, wobbling in a circle as his ears rang. "Return fire!" He gesticulated aggressively.
"I've been hit!" Bone Glow yelled. "Me arm is paralyzed!"

Another globule of venom arced through the air from the wasp ship and splashed onto the Hammerhead's gun. The two crewmen manning the gun fell on their backs, gasping for air.

"Full power!" Jack yelled. "All hands take cover!"

The smoke poured from the Hammerhead's stack and the engine throbbed with power, but the wasp ships were very fast and two more were cutting through the water to head off the Hammerhead.

"All engines stop!" Jack called. "Run up the white flag!"

An hour later the Hammerhead was lying still in the water, white flag flying, with a wasp ship tied to either side of her.

"Zend down your captain!" boomed the wasp loudspeaker. The men of the Hammerhead had yet to see a single wasp.

Captain Jack climbed across to one of the wasp ships. Now finally two wasps appeared. They walked upright but were surprisingly small, barely reaching to Jack's waist. "Come wiz uz," said one of them.

Jack was escorted to a room in the wasp ship, a hexagon-shaped room with waxy walls. Sitting at a desk was an older wasp with grey hairs on his face.

"You are a cat?" the wasp asked.

"Yes," said Jack, " I am Captain Jack Tabby, commander of the Hammerhead, a licensed vessel legally entitled to sail anywhere on Erda. You have stopped us unlawfully."

The old wasp laughed. "You are a bold kitty kat. I am Lord Nuzzz, leader of Wasp Expeditionary Force Number Three. You will be my prisoner, Captain Jack, until I hear from my headquarters what to do with you. Your ship and crew will be allowed to proceed on their way."

"What?! Without me? That's preposterous!"

"Very well, then they are our prisoners as well."
"It's not nice to take Neutral Parties prisoner," said Jack. "Besides, if Headquarters doesn't hear from us soon, they'll dispatch a hundred ships to this location."
"This is unexplored territory," Buzzed Nuzzz, waving a feeler dismissively. "It belongs to the explorer. Us. You imperialist mammals think that you may trespass and sail wherever you please. You even possess enough gall to write down your intentions to do so, so that you may point to it and say 'See? This is legal. We made it so'. Well, no longer. If you do not cooperate, Captain, then by the time your navy arrives, I am thinking that you will be in the Locker, and that we will be long gone."

"Why even bother killing us?" Asked Jack in exasperation. "We've done nothing to harm you or interfere in your affairs. Murdering me or my crew would be a waste of time and ammunition."

"There would also be a literal boat-load of mammals missing from the world," Noted Nuzzz with relish. "However, the pleasure must come at a later date. As I said, I must await orders from my superiors. I am certain that you will be sent on your way soon enough, and duly compensated for your troubles. We have no wish to anger your Empire."

"Well, it's a bit bloody late for that," Jack huffed, folding his arms.
Jack was allowed to return to the Hammerhead where he announced the bad news that they were now prisoners of the wasps.

Bone Glow still could not use his arm. "Does this venom ever wear off?"

"I'm sure it does," Jack said. "And maybe they have an antidote they can give us. I'll send Topsy over to ask them.

"Why me?" Topsy said.

"Because you have a shell and more important, you look dumb as mud."

"Huh?"

Captain Jack clamped a hand on Topsy's shoulder. "I want you to spy around as much as you can without getting caught. If you are questioned just pretend you didn't know which way to go."

"Captain Jack, they aren't going to let me wander around by myself."

"Just do what you can, Topsy."

Topsy was escorted to the wasp ship's sick bay where a wasp medic gave him a small amount of antidote. "Only use this on your worst cases. The others will get better soon. Battle venom wears off after three days."
The Heroic Bees meanwhile, saw what was happening, they could not let the Wasps continue their evil deeds, but how? When they were already losing?
"We must do something," said the Bee in Charge. "We cannot allow Third Parties to get caught up in our affairs."
Meanwhile, Topsy was ambling through the ship, whistling a tune and walking along like he owned the vessel. The interior was weird; dark, humid, full of hexagonal shapes and bizarre yellow and black decorations, but the turtle was doing his best to explore. It quickly went better than he expected, actually; soon the turtle really was lost and no longer had to fake it.
That's when Topsy stumbled upon the Queen's chamber. At first he didn't believe what he was seeing. A massive, overweight wasp with a gigantic belly reclining on a couch, nibbling on a box of chocolates. Their eyes met. Oh no, Topsy thought, she'll call for the guards and I'll be executed.

But she just said, "Who are you?" and showed no sign of alarm.

Topsy thought maybe he should bow, so he did and said, "I am Topsy, your highness."

She smiled. " A turtle in my room. A couple of guards will lose their heads for this. So what brings you to me? Are you an assassin?"

"Oh my no!" Topsy said. "I'm not a killer! I'm lost. I'm a crewman on the ship you captured."

"I didn't capture your ship, Topsy, my dear. Lord Nuzzz commands this vessel. I'm just along for the ride. My little wasp babies can't do anything unless mommy is with them. Lordy, I'll be glad when we get back to land. I hate the ocean. By the way, my name is Suzanne, Queen Suzanne."
"Um, that's nice," said Topsy, who figured out that it was best to stay on this wasp's good side.
"May I leave, Your Majesty?", he asked nervously, taking what he fondly imagined was a ubiquitous step back towards the door.
"No, you may not leave," said Suzanne. "It's not often that I get to talk to a turtle. You have no idea how boring it is to talk to wasps all the time, especially when they are clones of each other and they are your own children. I do love my babies, but Lordy, they suck at conversation. Turtles, on the other hand, or so I have been told, are good talkers and turtles know quite a few stories. Why don't you tell me a story?"

"I don't really know many stories," Topsy said.

"You must know at least one? I know I would think of a story right quick if my life depended on it. Like yours does." Suzanne grinned.

"Oh," Topsy said. "In that case, maybe I do know a story..."
"It's the story of a turtle who grew giant ears like an elephant." Said Topsy
"Sounds good so far," Suzanne chuckled.
"...And who went off to sea and became a sailor..." Topsy added. "...And who had a dumb captain and crew who all thought he was gay... ....And who got attacked by sea-snakes and beautiful women and dodo birds..."

"Are all the dramatic pauses really necessary?" Asked Suzanne waspishly.
"It's a true story!" Topsy said. "It really happened to me."

"Oh good!" said Suzanne. "I love true stories best of all!"

"Thank you."

"But dodo birds? I thought they were extinct?"
"Apparently they weren't all extinct." Said Topsy
At this moment, Suzanna had another visitor, who delivered a message. "Interesting. Island with strange birds conquered. Birds have surrendered. Truce is in effect. Awaiting further orders."
"Alright, little turtle, you may run along now," Said Suzanne, making a dismissive flicking gesture at him. "It seems that I have work to do. It is odd, though -I had thought turtles to be capable storytellers. How disappointing."

Too relieved to feel insulted, Topsy bowed his way back out.
Back on board the Hammerhead, Topsy made his report to Captain Jack.

"The wasps' mommy travels with them?" Jack said, and laughed.

"To be fair," Topsy said, "that's standard wasp social structure."

"Social structure? You've got more education than the ordinary crewman, don't you?"

"Um... yes. Actually, I'm a writer. I took this job to see the world and have some experiences I could write about."

"And how's it going so far?" Jack said.

"Great! I could fill a book already!"
The Queen Bee was in her chamber eating honey cakes when...
A messenger came for her, with a report.
The report was concise and emotional. It consisted of the messenger screaming: "The bees are attacking! The bees are attacking!"



On the Hammerhead, Jack and his crew became aware something unusual was happening. The wasp ship that had been tied to them for so long suddenly cast loose and steamed away to join the rest of the wasp fleet.

"What's up?" Willa asked.

"Listen!" said Gulo Gulo.

Then they heard the howls of bee fighters attacking and saw puffs of smoke in the distance.

"Now is our chance to escape," Jack said, "while the wasps are busy fighting off the bees. Lift anchor! Engines on! To your stations, men!"
"I hope they keep each other busy," said Jack. "I dislike being involved in politics."
An hour later the Hammerhead was steaming smoothly on leaving the battle of the wasps and the bees raging in the distance.

"Do you care which species wins?" Willa said.

""No," Jack replied. "Bees or wasps. It's all the same to me. Nasty little buggers, both of them."

"Queen Suzanne was kind of nice," Topsy said. "She liked my stories."





Chapter Five: Paradise Island ... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The sea was calm and green. The sky was clear and blue. The Hammerhead sailed for seven days without seeing anything of interest, just some extremely tiny islands, but on the eighth day, they came within sight of a large chunk of land. Jack ordered the ship to proceed in that direction.
On the Island was a Massive Orchard of Fruit Trees, ordinary Fruits not the strange fruits that killed the Raccoon in the first chapter

"Seems like a good place to restock or larders." Jack said "We've been living off hardtack and burnt coffee for three days now!"

They pulled up to the Island, on the Island there were two Kittens a Black Kitten and a White Kitten playing ball, when the boat pulled up they ran into the orchard.

Just then, out of the Trees a Female Horse the Size of an Elephant with Gigantic White Wings flew up to Greet them

"Greetings." She said "My name is Queen Forest, this is my Kingdom Paradise Island."
"Friendlier than the last batch of people, so far," said Jack.
"Greetings, Your Majesty," Jack made a sweeping bow. "My name is Captain Jack Tabby, captain of the Hammerhead, on a voyage of discovery! Tell me, would you or your people mind if we traded to restock our provisions before moving on?"
"I will have to consult with my advisors," said Queen Forest. "Timberlake! Snowpond! Come here!"

The black and the white kittens reappeared and Queen Forest repeated Jack's question to them. They didn't appear to be paying attention, but when Queen Forest stopped talking, Snowpond, the white kitten, raised her paw and made a gesture with it.

Queen Forest said to Jack, "We want to know what you have to trade and what you want from us."
"We wish to have some of your fruits for our larders." Jack said

"What will you give us in return?" Queen Forest asked

Jack stumbled a bit "We...Don't really have anything to trade your majesty."

"You know." Queen Forest said "I have a teensy tiny problem that I can not solve, perhaps I can give you fruit in exchange for you solving my problem."

"Oh..." Jack moaned "...Is this going to involve slaying monsters or rooting our conspirators in the royal court?"


"What?! Oh no,no." Queen Forest said "If my problem involved life threatening situations I wouldn't call it teensy tiny...I pride myself on integrity and never being insincere. I need someone to help my Butler's Daughter...Her name is Prudence and she's an Ant...She suffers from extreme Anxiety and Depression, but she wants to be a Nurse, however she keeps failing her test, because she can't take the test with the other students...And I said to her if a room full of students scares you...How can you be a Nurse? I feel she needs some help but I can't give it to her...If any of you can either give her some courage or help her find something more suited to her delicate ways I'd be very grateful."
"I'll see about talking to the Doctor on board my ship," said Jack. "They might be able to help."
"Thank for your time, Your Majesty. We'd be glad to help."

As they trudged back to the landing site, Jack gave Bone Glow a side-long glance. "Tell me something, do you think that anybody in this crew knows anything about psychology?"

"I would 'spect not, Captain. Still, from the sounds of things, we might just have to give a pep-talk or two."
Jack decided to deal with the problem himself, having great faith in his ability to tackle almost any project and meet with some success. He met with Queen Forest's butler's daughter, Prudence the Ant, in a small room provided by the queen. It was a plain room containing only a table and two chairs. Jack and Prudence sat facing each other.

"You don't like to be surrounded by others?" Jack said.

"That's right," said Prudence. "Makes me nervous."

"You seem calm enough now."

"That's because it's just you. And you're a cat. I like cats."

"Is it possible," Jack asked, "that it's not being around others that makes you so nervous, but being around some PARTICULAR others?"

"What do you mean?" Prudence said. "I don't like being around anteaters if that's what you're driving at, but there aren't any on the island."
"OK..." Jack said more then a little confused "...If you took the test with nothing but Cats in the room do you think you would be able to take the test?"


"Maybe...I don't know...No." Prudence said
"I see," said Jack.
"What's if it was just me in the room?" Asked Jack.

"Yes, I probably could, but it won't be just one person..."

"What if there were two of me? Three? Four? Could you take the test if there were five of me?"

Prudence's feelers twitched. "But there's only one of you..."

"If there wasn't, how many of me could you stand to take the test with? Ten? Twenty?"

"Oh, no! No offence, Captain, but I couldn't take it with twenty of anyone, cats or not."
"It seems to me," Jack said, "that the obvious solution would be for them to let you take the test by yourself."

"That's what I wanted!" Prudence said, "But they said no."

"Who is 'they'?"

"Nurse Ratched. She's the head of the nursing department."

"Hmmm, that name... It triggers bad memories... Are there any cuckoo birds on this island?"
"I don't know." Said Prudence "All Birds look alike to me."

"Still the larger question..." Jack said "...If you can't handle a room full of students why do you want to be a Nurse in the first place?"
"Because I want to help people," said Prudence.
"Could you handle a room full of patients, then?" Asked Jack, doing his level best to keep his tone neutral.
"I think so," Prudence said. "I would be helping them, not competing with them."

"Ah!" Jack said, "so it's really the competition that makes you nervous."

"Is it?"

"Fear of failure. Fear that you will not be as good as everybody else. Do you ever have those fears?"

"I can't help but have them. I'm an ant."

"I don't understand," Jack said.

"Ants are social creatures used to working together with clones of themselves, but here I have to go to school with other species. I'm alone. It makes me anxious and fearful. Everyone is bigger than me and maybe smarter than me and maybe better at passing a nursing test than me."

Jack thought about it. "Then I think I see a solution to your problem," Jack said.
"I think you need a Nursing Tutor, rather then go to school with other species." Jack said "I've seen this before teeny tiny species develop inferiority complexes when forced to compete with bigger species...Like one time at camp, there was a Flea named Tay McKie and he never wanted to do anything because he was afraid he would suck at it...Then came the Jumping Contest and he beat everyone."
"How did he do it?" Prudence asked.
"He jumped higher than they did," Jack said. "I'll tell you what. I'll go talk to Nurse Ratched, the head of your school, and see what I can work out for you."

"You will?" Prudence said. "Oh, thank you!"

"Better save the thanks for if I get any results."



Nurse Ratched was a baboon. Jack disliked her immediately, but he made his plea for Prudence to take the test alone.

"No," said Nurse Ratched.

So Jack proposed that Prudence have a special tutor instead of attending classes with other species.

"Ridiculously impossible," said Nurse Ratched.

"Well," said Jack. "What about this? Let Prudence take the test with a room full of ants."

"She is the only ant in nursing school," said Nurse Ratched.

"Why are you so negative about everything? Do you even have any concern for the well-being of your students?"
"I believe that students should not get special treatment." Said the Nurse "I feel Prudence doesn't really have a condition she's just a whiner, a spoiled brat who wants everything served to her on a silver platter."

"How are you so sure she doesn't have a condition?" Jack asked

"Before I came to Paradise Island I came from a Land called Boo-Boo Island...And there Political Correctness went mad...The society collapsed because everyone was too busy filing frivolous lawsuits and complaining they were being discriminated against because someone wore a Pinafore in front of them or they were the only Insect in a classroom full of Vertebrates."
"Sometimes it's best to just humor such people," said Jack. "Keeps them from causing trouble."
"Humour them? It would be the complete downfall of society! No, no no!" Yelled Ratched. She folded her arms, took a deep breath. "No, our dear young Prudence must bite the bullet and take the test as normal, without special treatment. If she can not, she has no business being a nurse."

"You're really set on this, aren't you?" Asked Jack wearily.
"Yes, I am," said Nurse Ratched.

So Jack went back to Prudence and told her the news that there was nothing he could do, that Nurse Ratched wouldn't budge, and that Prudence was just going to have to suck it up and take the test with the others and try to do the best she could.

Prudence's reaction startled Jack. She was furious. "You big fraud! You phoney! You said you could help me but you can't do ANYTHING! You're a big nincompoop just like my father!"

And she stomped out of the room.

Wow, thought Jack. She really is a spoiled brat.

Anchorsmith came flapping into the room, feathers flying everywhere. "Jack! Jack! The giant sea serpent is back!"

"The Sea Serpent said it's going to eat everyone on this Island alive!" Said the Bird
"Tell me we have a gun big enough to kill it," said Jack.
"Sea serpent?" Asked Jack. "Back? Back from where? I don't remember any-"

"It attacked us while you were on Beauty Island!" Wailed the toucan. "It started smashing up the ship, so Mr. Bone Glow had Gulo blow it apart! Didn't he tell you?"

"My dear, dear Mister Anchorsmith," Jack sighed condescendingly. "I'm an important ship's captain! I don't have time to listen to some First mate's silly stories! And, anyway, if Gulo killed this vengeful serpent of yours, how could it be here now? Come to think of it, sea-serpents breed by fragmentation, right? So by shooting it you probably just made a bunch of extra little monsters; did it a favour, as it were..."

The lookout yelled down from the crows nest. "Serpent starboard! She's a big one!"

At the starboard railing, Jack and Willa and Bone Glow could only stare open-mouthed at the monster approaching. It was easily big enough to swallow the entire ship. The serpent's jaws opened to form a vast cavern that came rushing toward them and engulfed them in darkness.

* * * * *


We aren't going to add any more to this campfire, but I like Water World too much not to continue. We'll do it with another campfire.

But before that, I am inviting you to another Erda campfire. Then one day we will return to Water World.
(I hope so.)
(So, should I not make this next addition -oops; too late. S'rry.)

© Copyright 2015 Steev the Friction Wizurd, Twiga, BIG BAD WOLF is hopping, jdstephens, (known as GROUP).
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