I bought a Tahoe today. I know, me, the same me who's always complaining about a bill. Well ya'll always say "Shanelle- do something for yourself"
I did.
Love ya'll. I'm tired. Been out and about all day. Pray for me again!
 

I hate showers. There's no fun in it. Especially when you force yourself to wear glassses for 3 days because your eyes need to breathe. I hate forcing myself to use good grammer or edit blogs. That's lazy and it's not right. It's not cute to talk like you have no education and it makes people look down on you. It's hard to read when there are type'os. I know this, yet I don't apply it to my own life. I don't like showers because you cant read, or relax, or write, or suck the juice out of a orange. I often lock myself in the bathroom and tell the world my stomach hurts when really I just want to read. I'll read anything, I'll read it all. I just like to read. When I play online- it's not cuz of anything other than I like to read. I told God in the shower,"YOU made me this way" "I know" was HIS reply.

I so don't want to wrk in an office for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the head assistant, or the office manager. I just find know joy in that. If i could be anywhere all the time, I'd choose a library, but I certainly couldn't work at one because how can you work and read? I said I wnated to be a teacher but why settle for being a teacher when you really want to write. To get where I want to be I have to get there. I have to write all these books in my head. I have too.
I struggle cuz I feel like there jsut isn't enough time. I wish I could quit and just write, but kinda need a book written first! Writing is passion but it doesn't pay the bills unless it's published or promoted!
My house is messy. It always is. Ya'll, I admit, its just me. Even when I was a kid, my room was messy. Whenever we clean the kids ask who's coming over. Isn't that terrible? I just can't keep up. Like right now, I was all in the bed, hubby fell asleep on the couch and I forced myself to get up and hang up clothes. Clothes just don't stop. The more I wash, the more I have to wash. And it's so bad that now I wash a load, dry it, and dont' let myself wash another load until I get what's in the dryer hung up. Cuz if I don't I then have a basket of clean clothes in the room and the hubby, not knowing, takes off his dirty draws and throws them in my clean bumper and - back to where i started.

Today at Walmart these men were laughing at our car. We dont' have a bumper. I think I already told that story. Hell, I'm in the car, so the bumper don't bother me. But hubby gets furious when folks laugh and he opened up the car door and asked the men what the hell was funny? They threw their hands up in defeat and walked away. I told hubby not to worry about what folks think. This is an 2015 Beinz, plush, custom interior. They don't know about this car yet, cuz it's not in stores! Well, I'm just rambling and I could be writing something. I am writing though, aren't I.

Today was a hard day at work. This girl told me the boss said to order some 200 dollar bags and I did. Turned out he had no idea the bags cost that much and she tried to act like she didn't know either. I told her them bags was 200 damn dollars, and I told my immediate supervisor as well. Oh, well tommorow is a new day! I need to get in the bed and get ready for it. I love ya'll to death!
Love me back.
Pray for me- I'm praying for ya'll! For real, just take 2 seconds and say-"Lord, help Shanelle"
 

hey ya'll, nothing much here. I really don't have much to say. No news is good news though right? I've been writing so I'm online but not online. Love ya'll!
 

I was gonna blog, well I had blogged a long story about how my aunt pissed me off, but my momma called in the middle of the blog and we talked for 2 hours and to sum it up, I'm grown and I don't have to let folks talk to me or treat me like a child. I get up and go to work everyday and if the aunt can dish it out, she can take it. So there. I'm gonna go to my fridge and have two rootbeers. Cuz I worked hard for them! I love ya'll.
 

Ok so hubby has been mean to me. He still cooks and takes me to work, we still watch t.v., but he's been awfully dry. He's always this way when we havent had sex in a few days. I mean I am sorry ya'll, we've had this problem for years, I just can't have sex everyday. Just cuz he's horny dont mean I am, and I'm not fgood at pretending like Im in the mood. In all honesty, most times when I do give in, it turns out enjoyable, and he is a good partner in bed. But shit, I don't know, same story many others have told. Anyway, I don't intentionally come home and fall asleep each night (well sometimes I do) and each day he's gotten dryer and dryer. Well it's been almost a week and today I said to myself, girl you've got to give him some today. Then I woke up and guess who came to town? My monthly friend. He's gonna be hot as fish grease when he finds out!

In other news, ya'll know how I'm always trusting on The Lord. Well once again we were without money and food but I didn't worry because I know I paid my tithes and was trusting on God. Sure enough he came through. Mother in law had bought meat, got home and had too much to put in her freezer. We got the meat and she handed us 40 dollars. So I was saying Thank You Jesus ect... We got home and hubby gives me this whole speech about how I'm always saying thank you to God and never to him. He said that he's not jealous of God but that when we get down to our last it's always him who comes through because my pride won't let me ask noone for help. He said if I wasn't with him, after I bought food and paid bills if he wasn't around I wouldn't make it. I wanted to scream at his naive ass- Negro-if you wasn't here, that be one less mouth for me to feed! Negro- you don't come through for us, your mama does. And that is a blessing from GOD! Sure it comes from your side of the family but it's not like- Ya'll get my point, I don't even have to explain further. While he spoke, God told me not to say none of the stuff I just typed. God told me that he's not feeling like a man and that a man wants to feel like a man. God told me to look inside hubby's words and not at them. But it was hard, hard to look at him tell me that I couldn't make it without him. When I think about the bills and the cigerettes and the beer I buy. Negro you dig in the light bill each hour you sit at home. Hell yeah I could make it without you.

I love him ya'll I do. And I want to be with him. Sometimes, well all the time I fantasize about being with someone else. But the fear of AIDS has me stuck. Plus I have kids, and stretch marks. But it's not a matter of self esteem, cuz I know I can get another man. I just don't want to start over. Don't want to date, or use condoms, or deal with your ex, and meet your mama, and hide my dirty drawers, and go home to shit, and dig through your pockets and all that type shit. I love him and I don't want to leave him for money, but ya'll I am struggling. I mean I'm not complaining, I have everything i need, but if I had a man with a job I could have more wants and not just needs. It's my fault I know. This man didn't have a job when I met him. I picked him, I know. But I thought after all this time, I was 15 he was 19 when we met that we would both grow up. For years it was embarassing. Embarassing wasting gas money to find a sitter for him to go on an interview, he'd get hired then get so excited that he'd stay up all fucking night and drink, then bee too drunk to wake up and go to work the next day. I'll never forget that day. He tells me he went but they decided they didn't need him. No, your ass was late on your first day, and they fired you. I can't help but to not want to fuck. But I can't tell him that. I can't because he cooks, he cleans, he's a good dad, and all that is supposed to be enough. But it's not. And I have to act like I'm not resentful when I am.
And aren't there women who don't work and take care of home? And Shanelle you cant' have it both ways. YOu cant tell him it's ok, he takes care of home but really be resentful. YOu can't get an attitude when bills are due and you don't have enough. I just don't know how I got myself into this. And I'm tired of being mother and role model. I want someone to mentor me. I have to teach him everything. I mean he's not dumb dumb stupid, but we can't get "light an inscent deep" if you know what i mean. We can't talk about Nostradomus and the life of Martin Luther King, and what caused VIetnam, and just deep shit.. ya know. Damn I want that. Lets get some goals around here. Where do you see yourself in ten years, lets talk about our credit... I want a man like that! SHit! And now I realize I am on my period so these are very possibly just hormonal emotions. I'm leaving now.... I love ya'll.
 

You know that author that I assist works me like a hebrew slave. Yesterday was really hard because tax time is coming and he either doesnt realize or doesn't care that my job is not just to assist him. He'll see me working and will come give me something that is sooo not important and wants me to do it first. Then before I can stop the imperative and get him out the way, he's at my desk with four other items, all of them time consuming and pointless. I admit, I'm not real big on marketing, he is. And my cycle is on its way, so my nerves are touchy. But today I realized, I am glad he challenges me to multi-task, because when I run my own publishing firm, or get a promotion, I'll handle stress with ease. He's not being mean, he's just training me. I did alot of writing today. Typing acutally. I'm glad. I accidently left some stuff on public review and I was mad at myself. Cuz I'm putting a chapter here, a chapter there, non of it in order and I keep it all on private. Oh feewey. It's back private now. I love ya'll gotta go eat. Hubby found 23 dollars on the ground today. Wonderful! Praise God!
 

I planned to write. Hubby fell asleep at seven o'clock. I cleaned the bathroom, washed clothes, moved the new tv stand for the kids out of my living room and into their room, loaded the dishwasher, listened to stories, changed pampers, kissed kids and promised to sell cookie dough tommorow at work. Then, I planned to write. I need to type all that stuff I have hand written. I told myself no more new handwriting til you type up what you got. Soon as I creep in the bedroom to get my binder-guess who starts squirming? He looks at me in the dark and says "you took off today?" Been sleep three hours and he thinks it's a new day. Well now I won't write because I'd rather not write at all than to be interuppted with a "what are you doing, come lay down, how long you been on the computer"
Love ya'll have a good night!
 

I don't know why I continue to wear mascara to church. I'm way too emotional. Today was the first day in our church's new building. It was a very exciting time. As some of you know, I am or was a member of the Potter's House. I attended that church for a long time and have never been around such giving, happy, open armed people. It never bothered me that it was a mega church, and it never bothered me that my pastor didn't each lunch with me after the service or knew me by name. T.D. Jakes has is and will always be an inspiration for me. I remember seeing him at the mall and I was in the car and I yelled out the window- "Pastor, that was a great Easter service." He left Deon Sanders and his security and stuck his head in my car window. We talked for a while and he left. So just because he didn't know me personally in the crowd of thirty thousand, doesn't mean he's a heartless person. On the flip side. when hubby and I got married, he wanted to get married in his mother's church. We attended marriage counseling and his mothers church was probably the size of my 1200 square foot apartment. I had reservations at first, because although the message was good, and the church followed Christ, it seemed like everyone knew one another and if you were late the wall church body turned around when you walked through the door and for me it made me uncomfortable to really worship and close my eyes and give thanks to the Lord with all these people looking at me. In essence, it shouldn't matter who's around you when you praise the Lord, He's never cared who was looking when He blessed me; yet I felt uncomfortable just the same.

But then I began to see the love in that small church. The way the building would shake when the choir began to dance and the stranger who'd pull a teddy bear out of her purse when my child started to cry. I saw when family members of mine died how the whole congreation would show up to the wake and funeral, I saw love in action.When CPS tried to take my child, my pastor came to court each time. I remember the doctor never showed up to court the first four times, I was embarassed and felt like I was wasting the pastor's time. He never complained, he just showed up the next time. He testified on my behalf, he blessed my marriage, he called to fuss when we missed church(not fuss but there's something scary about sitting at home drinking a beer and you see the pastor's name on your caller id) And so I began to attend this church and not the Potters House anymore. I still read T.D. and watch his program but as I blogged about before, any church that can excite my husband is the church I'll attend. So for years now we've attended this church and there was a building fund started in 2004. I dont' know about predominitly(I know I butchered that) White churches, but all small black churches have a building fund. Usually the funds been going for thirty years and not even a door knob has been installed. It's a joke within our community. But to see the building behind our little church coming to life, and to see contruction, and to give and to pledge and to pray and in 4 years step into a brand new, grand, huge building this morning... I tell you it was like moving out of South Central into a mansion in Beverly Hills. It was glorious and it made me think, man I was a part of that.
At the same time, I was at the "burn the mortage" cermony for the Potters House years ago. They paid off the 30 millon dollar mortage in like five years or so. It was very emotional and powerful, but something about today was different for me. Maybe had I been in the old Potter's House building, then stepped into the new, but I only attended the new building. Well I have to go cook potatos now, you know the hubby gets antsy when I get on this site. I love ya'll be blessed and know that you are a part of something and have much to be proud of. Even you, you are a part of something so do it well because there is always someone ready and willing to take your place.

On a non religious note: I remember my aunt and I were talking years ago about how my hubby always wants sex. She said
"suga, you ought to be glad that man stills wants you, especially how you be looking around the house.
You better fuck that man cuz baby there'll be a bitch at your house with her coochie sloppy wet, waiting on him to walk through the door.
What you won't do, another woman will and she'll do it so well, he won't bother you no more"
I think that applies to more than just sex with your husband. So do what you do and do it well!
 

Ok- last night was really not the time to blog. Ya'll don't know how much I love ya'll. A fight breaks out behind me, and here I am typing with one hand, looking over my shoulder with the other. Ok full story.- We love our neighbors. But they can be a bit pesty. You know the type that act lonely and act like we're their only friends in the world.. Sometimes we tell the kids to be quiet in the parking lot so they won't know when we come home. They are cool but damn we can't kick it with ya'll every weekend. Ok so yesterday we come home and they are outside. We're like DAMN we're caught. They know what time we come home, they gone make us kick it with them tonight. But it's ok, we're cool with that. So they come over. All is well. The man is drinking. Hubby and I decided earlier we couldn't afford liquor so we had beer. Next thing I know hubby and the man are walking down to his house to take a shot. The wife and kids are here with me. The men are taking forever. After twenty minutes the wife goes down to get them. She storms in the house and slams the door.
"Them mother*** is at the liqour store!"
So her and I are upset because her hubby had been talking aobut the liqour store and me, hubby and her were telling him that the police are too hot tonight, they are looking for people to fuck with and you do not need to be on the road. The liqour you already have will work just fine. But no he sneaks off and goes to get more liqour.
Meanwhile, her son is crying because he wants to

shit- I've got to work on my mothering skills/patience. I just had to stop blogging for 15 minutes because someone broke a glass. I told everyone to get out and shut up and a minute later my toddler is sneaking back into a kitchen I told everyone not to enter barefoot and my daughter is screaming at the top of her lungs. It's no wonder I blog while the action happens because I can't any other time. Oh before I forget let me add to this mini rant the fact that I was changing my refused-to-be-potty-trained son this morning. I had him in that awful leg up position and went to say something to another child and all of a sudden piss was flying everywhere. Poor boy pee'd all over his face and head, cuz I had his ass in the air. It was hiliarous! We had to get him the bath immediatly!
Back to story-
Her son was crying while the men were gone because he was trying to play with a dollhouse and the dollhouse is for girls. The wife was irratated and ready to leave. Ladies, do you know the couple where one half of the couple always has something negative to say about thier other half whenever the other half isn't around? Well that's her. So she's calling her hubby a p*ssy and he needs to man up and raise his son cuz she's worried her son is too soft and he should have rode with the men- her hubby drinks to much and never thinks he drunk... on and on and on. So she goes home.
The men call and I tell my hubby that the wife has gone home.

They all return shortly. Now this man makes an argument out of everything. I noticed that a long time ago but I guess I thought thats just how men communicate. I mean they are such strange creatures, the male species. But this man debates everything my husband says. We were talking about signs adn I said I was a Virgo, his wife was a Leo, so and and so forth. Well when my hubby's sign comes out the man immediatley begins to say that some Aries are dumb and they think they are powerful but they are not, i mean he was just going on and on. My hubby handles it well and we move on. But that's just an example that he makes a mini confortation out of everything.

So we start to play card. Wives against hubby. Me and the wife make an awsome team because we always beat them. So we are beating them and it's down to the last hand. We are playing spades. My hubby looks at his partner and says"I have nothing" I tell my partner I have four books (four great cards) She tells me she has three. My hubby repeats that he has nothing, no good cards. The man says "lets go seven. So we are all in shock, like "you've got seven? Ain't no way unless you got all spades in your hand. He demands to go seven. And we play. They lose, my partner and I have a ten hand and game is over. We are all laughing, it's no big deal- I'm having a great time. Marvin Gaye is in the background, the kids are doing their thing, the wife is talking lot's of mess (she's that type when playing a game) I'm reminded of my childhood except now my kids are the ones coming out to get a glass of water when really they just want to dance to the music and see what the parents are doing. I'm feeling good after my second glass of vodka and pinapple and we are all ready to play more cards.

It's an hour until the new year. Hubby returns to the table and me him and the wife are talking about how long each couple has been togehter. The hubby is gone to the bathroom. He returns and I get up to go. Before I leave I hear hubby ask him how long they have been toghether (I need to say this is a question asked before when we met them but when folks drink, they repeat themselves) I don't hear his response because I leave.

I pee, and go tell the kids that in one hour we'll call them in to do the countdown. Then forgetting they are 6,7,5,4 and two- I have to explain what the countdown is. "Will we hold hands? "Do we eat cookies? "Countdown to what?"
Next thing I know the wife is over my shoulder whispering "We getting ready to leave cuz they are gettign into it." So I'm like what? My face is all confused because we were all just having a good time. She's gathering her kids and I return to the dining room. The men are both on opposite sides of our small round table.

The man is telling my husband "I can't belive you asked me and my family to leave your house"
My husband is sayng" You cussed me out over a simple question. Me and my wife and your wife were casully talking about how long we've been togehter and you tell me it aint' none of my fucking business- you not gone disrespect me in my home- yes you need to leave."

I run back there to the wife and I'm like "wtf?" She says- "he don't like to talk about how long we been togehter cuz we been together since I was like 13 and thats statutory rape. He get drunk and feel like somebody done looked up his case cuz you know you can go online and look that shit up"
"Girl, I don't even know his last name- it ain't that deep-aint' nobody looked his ass up!"
"I know, but he don't think like that"
"Maybe it will all blow over once they get sober."
"Yeah", she nods her head.
Back in the front the men are still talking, not so much arguing, cuz I consider arguing yelling, but they are way close to each other and the man is looking quite offended. I start to blog, and I admit I am a bit turned on by my husband. I loves me a thug. A negro with a bullet wound. I know, I'm a mess. So they leave and slam the door and I tell hubby I should go and give them their champagne they left.
"Fu*k them- you ain't got to chase after them."
I don't. Hubby rants and raves for a while, then we get the video camera and do our own countdown and play with the kiddios until I pass out on the couch. What a night!

 

so we sitting here chillin with our neighbors and for the past hour been playing cards. Keep in mind I'm full of vodka if I sound erratic. Long story short, me and the wife beat my husband and hers in cards and afterwards hubby asked casually how long he and his wife had been togehter. The man replied non of your business and I left the table to check on the kids. Next thing I know the wife is behind me whispering- your hubby and mine are arguing so we're gonna leave. I'm like what happened, adn the wife tells me that her hubby don't like to talk about how long they been togehter because we been togehter since I was 13 and he caught a rape case behind me. Statuartory rape. So he don't like to talk about it. He's drunk and blew it out of porportion. Wow what a nighT. I'll explain more when sober. Bye ya'll Happy New Year.