I am going out with my grandmother tomorrow to pick out a head stone for my dad's grave. I am glad that he will finally have one so we can put flowers on it for holidays and things. We need something to honor him by. This will be nice.
 

I have been thinking a lot about my life and why I have been full of rage and anger for so long. I need to get some things off of my chest, and also learn to forgive those who have wronged me. I never thought of myself as perfect or anything like that, although, God knows that I have acted this way. I am too judgemental over people and I need to stop doing that.

In the past months I have said horrible things about my birth mother. I want to take them back. I have said that I wished she was dead and not my dad. I have realized this since this morning and after I had that horrible nightmare about her dying. I saw her body lying in a cakset. Bruises and severe cuts were all over her face. It was a shocking scene, and I never want to see this happen. I feel guilty and almost hate myself for it. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives. No one is perfect. I bargained with God this morning. I said that I will forgive Belinda, but need to keep a great distance from her in order for me to be happy. In the dream, I also saw my dad. He was angry at me for holding ill feelings toward Belinda. I think that he was telling me to let go of the past and live for the future. I think that I am ready to do that now. I prayed for forgiveness for having these feelings and saying such awful things about her.

Another person that I need to forgive is, Jerry. I had a conversation with him on yahoo messenger yesterday. I told him that I had found someone else and moved on. This made him sad. He finally confessed everything to me, and that he never wanted to let me go. He lied about everything, including his feelings for me when we broke up. He said that he did and said whatever he could so I would leave. He said that he regrets everything and appologized, with the way that he treated me, the names, verbal abuse, and everything else. I don't need to drudge up everything that happened in that relationship. In the process, I have managed to say some pretty evil words before I left Florida. I told him that I hope that he dies......I never meant it. Now he's going through this health crisis, with feeling fatigued, trouble with memory and concentration, and fluctuations in his sugar. He fears that he might have cancer. I hope not. I prayed for him lastnight and this morning upon waking up. I also asked God for his forgiveness. The very worst thing that he said yesterday, is that he loves me. He said it twice, once in the middle of the conversation, and at the end when he said bye. Now, why did he have to say that? It made me feel bad and I even cried about it. I don't know why. Then just this morning he emails me with this letter:

Hey Nikki,

I guess indeed I am jealous, because I had a rough time sleeping last night. I do want you back...if you could ever forgive me. I just want to come back to Michigan, be with you, live a proper life, and go forward...away from all the evils of Florida and the computer nonsense...which for all intents and purposes destroyed my rational judgments.

I have been casually looking for jobs back in metro Detroit, but now I am going to get serious about it. The job may be temporary until I get in with the Cruisers. Let me know what you are thinking.

Love,
Jerry

It was nice of him to write that letter to me. When he admitted being jealous he was referring to the guy that I am involved with right now. I went out on a date with the new guy on Wednesday and ended up being intimate with each other. We felt very intense chemistry between us and we slept together. I don't regret anything and neither does he. We plan on getting together for another date to see where things go. I can't predict how my new relationship will turn out or what will come of it. For all I know, it may be a one-night stand, and then again, something more might come out of it. I have to wait and see.

I feel a release after confessing my past feelings for Belinda and Jerry. I feel cleansed and renewed from praying about how wrong I have been. I also prayed for Jerry's health. I really don't want anything bad to happen to him. He had blood drawn on Friday. I just pray that it's something simple and can be taken care of. I pray for his health and overall safety throughout his life, and hope that he lives a long and prosperous life. I hope God has forgiven me too for being so evil in the past months. I feel better about myself, than I did before and hope that I can move on to live a happy and healthy life.
 

I had a job interview in Livonia, it went pretty well and the lady said that they would be contacting me around 6pm, well, it's 6:30 and I haven't heard anything. I guess it didn't go as well as I thought. Oh well, I am sure that there will be other interviews for me. It just would've been nice if I could've gotten the job because I drove all the way from Kalamazoo. But I know the distance factor isn't always a guarantee. I am not going to let this get me down, or anything else that has happened this week for that matter.
 

I stepped on the scale today and I lost 20 pounds! Yay! My clothes are even loose on me. Seeing that made my day. I can't wait to lose more!
 

I had a really great time lastnight. However, I am not going to give out too much detail about it......cause I am too shy to say why I had a great time lastnight. My Grandma Mary always said that I have the grin of the Cheshire Cat, and boy am I ever wearing one of those right now!
 

I hate a lot of my grandfather's tax customers. I mean, some of them are just a royal pain in the ass! They call at the very last minute and expect grandpa to fit them in. Yesterday while I was there, the phone rung and I didn't pick it up. This lady leaves a bitchy ass message because grandpa wasn't here to pick it up. I never answer the phone while I am here by myself, because they will ask me who I am, and when I tell them that I am the granddaughter, they start asking me about taxes right off the bat. Like I am supposed to know everything about taxes because I am his granddaughter, or that I am supposed to know because it must run through my blood because I am a tax man's granddaughter. Poor grandpa has been run ragged this year, dealing with so much in the past 6 months with my dad dying, and then his brother-in-law dying. I am also tired of these tax customers taking advantage of my grandfather's kindness and walking all over him. It pisses me off how rude they get, when it's their own damn fault that they didn't get in sooner. People have a lot of nerve. It's not that they don't get their W2s on time, it's that they sit on their fat asses eating their cheetos and watching tv all of the time, instead of taking care of important matters like their taxes. Morons. I know that they can file an extension without penalties if they don't owe the IRS anything. Although, I do think it's funny when people get penalized for filing late when they owe.
 

My sister Jill asked me to watch her dog while she's away on a trip with her boyfriend. Dee Dee is a beautiful Boxer/Sharpei mix, and she's a very sweet dog too. Before my dad died, she was his best pal and always went with him where ever he went to. She was Jill's to begin with and took him back when dad passed away. I love watching Dee Dee. I think of her as my niece so to speak. The only problem is that I am allergic to dogs and can have severe allergy problems. I have already started to sneeze and my eyes are kind of itchy too. Plus when I woke up this morning, I was all sluggish and groggy, which is a sign of allergic reaction. Oh well, it's for my sister and I would do anything for family.
 

I went to my Great Uncle Bob's funeral today. It has been raining non-stop all day and still hasn't let up. It was a very somber day.....I felt so bad for my cousins, seeing the pain and grief in their eyes. I know what they're going through. No matter what age you are, it always hurts to lose a parent. When my father died in October this past year, I was in such shock and I was completely devastated. It is my hope that they will get through this by the grace of God.

I got the car back yesterday, and found out that the fuel line and the brake line were busted. It's a really good thing that I got the car in when I did, otherwise that could've been really bad.

I am so tired of this shit. Living with Sheila is toture. She is such a damn slob! I come home and there are two sinks full of dishes. She never lifted a finger to load the dishwasher, which takes like 10 minutes to do. Then she bitches at me for buying the correct size trash bags for the kitchen (13 gallon). She normally buys these big-ass 30 gallon bags, which are this hideous brown color, because she's too lazy to change the bag and take it out to the dumpster.....she doesn't take it out anyway, so what difference does it make? I just want to get the hell out of here. I'm tired of living with a slob. Her room is another story, it looks like a clothing factory exploded. If the management at our apartment complex saw this shit, both of us would get evicted. When she's a slob, it makes me look like a slob. I'm tired of it. I feel like I am living with Belinda and my three sisters all over again, cleaning up after their asses, and being their bitch-slave! When the fuck will I ever get a place to myself? When will I finally have things for myself, instead of having to share? I am sick of living with family. I hate it!
 

I walked for only about 6.5 miles today in the heavy rain. I was gone for over an hour and a half today. I came back drenched in rain, lol. My right foot hurts really bad today. I may have overdone it, but I don't care. I will probaby go out and do the same thing tomorrow. I have spent too many years being overweight, and I am not going to waste anymore time. I am going to get into shape even if it hurts me. I want to be hot like my sisters are, and be able to dress like them. Except, I don't want to be as skinny as them, I want to have some curve appeal, and look busty like I do now. If this hurts me, that's the ultimate price I will have to pay to look good and be nearly perfect.
 

I called the autoshop and a tow truck is on the way to get the car. I hope they can have it fixed by today, if not, oh well......I will just have to make my special plans for another day. I am so disappointed with how this week has ended, and even how it began.

I still can't believe that my Uncle Bob is gone. He was such a good man. Grandma is really upset because she lost my dad and her brother within a 6 month span. It's not fair to both grandma and grandpa. I have experienced enough death in the past 5 years to last me many many many years to come. Uncle Bob was 73 years old.......to me that is still too young to die. I am used to seeing people in their 80's and 90's passing away. Grandma and Uncle Bob's daughters think that he forgot to take his blood pressure medication. He died in the same place where Aunt Jean fell before she was put in the hospital when she died. I think that is really weird. Anyway, the funeral is this Saturday at 11am. It's going to be rough, but at least the family will be together.
 

Damnit! I had plans for tomorow, and grandpa's damn car sprung a gas leak.......a really massive leak! *sigh* I pray that it can be fixed before the end of the day tomorrow. That car is my lifeline so I can go to interviews and run other important errands. What a bunch of rotten luck!
 

First of all, I feel bad about what I said about my sister this morning. But, I still think that I am in the right for feeling the way that I do. It's ridiculous. I love her regardless of her sloth-like habits, lol.

Secondly, I went and did my 5 miles, plus 3.5 more miles. When I walked the first 4, I had this sudden burst of energy, and went for a total of 6 laps around the park, which is a lot of walking. Now that I have gotten comfortable with walking, and my limbs aren't bothering me as much as they were, I think that I will incorporate a little bit of jogging into it. I walked for 2 hours and 15 minutes today. I am a little sore, but not too bad. So far I am sticking to my low carbs diet. No rice, bread, pasta, or potatoes. I still have cereal for breakfast, and I will probably have oatmeal too on certain days. I will stick with organic 2% milk, because skim milk is gross, and you might as well be drinking water, because that's what it tastes like.

Oh yeah, and on my way down my grandmother's street at the beginning of my walk, this mongrel ran up to me growling and snarling at me. And people wonder why I am so deathly afraid of dogs. I told my grandma about it when I got back, and she said that was the same dog that came into the back yard and growled and snarled at grandpa. I told grandma, the next time that dog does anything like that, I am calling animal control or the police, because I don't want to see some little child get mauled by that stupid mutt. It didn't even look like a domestic dog. It looked wild, almost like a coyote or wolf. Whatever it was, it looked like an illegal breed of dog.
 

I did the most stupid thing today........I weighed myself. According to the "evil digital-scale", I have lost a total of 2 pounds. Big Whoop! I know that it's been only two full weeks going on three, but it seems like I should have lost more than that. I have even stepped up my exercise routine and have started walking an extra mile everyday, making it a total of 5 miles a day. I am still on my menstrual cycle and my breasts are still tender, so maybe I still have some the the premenstrual weight gain. Plus, I weighed myself in the middle of the day again, with heavy clothes on, so it's possible that I weigh a good 10-20 pounds more than what my actual weight is. Still, it's depressing enough to start cutting out carbs, like breads, pastas, potatoes, and rice. I never eat rice anyway......I think it's nasty. Rice has no nutritional value whatsoever, so why eat it? I don't really need bread or pasta either. So, I know that I will survive without them. As for the potatoes, I don't eat those as much either. I will still stick to cereal, because I need that for my energy for the entire day. I will just have to incorporate more veggies and fruit in my diet. I know that fruit has carbs, but it's natural carbs so they won't be damaging like rice, pasta, or bread because those are processed carbs anyway. *SIGH*
 

My grandma Betty just called me and told me that her brother (my great uncle) Bob passed away. I feel bad for her, because she and grandpa are still coping the loss of my father. Uncle Bob died suddenly without any obvious cause, except natural causes. My cousin Robin found him on the floor with a pillow. That's all that I know. I know that uncle Bob was only 74 years old, but it's still a huge loss, because I was so close with him and aunt Jean. Aunt Jean passed away in 2006, followed by my dad in 2007, and now it's my uncle Bob. I wish all of these bad things would stop happening in my family. I am getting tired of it. Exhausting is what it is. I am not sure when the funeral will be. I am going over to my grandma's in about an hour or so. Grandma is afraid to call grandpa at work and tell him, because it might ruin his day. But she really can't wait until he gets home later on tonight. That would be too long to wait and tell someone about something like that.....especially when my grandpa and uncle Bob were close friends who bowled and golfed together for many years. Now, I am going to worry even more about my grandparents.
 

I think that I will try and finish this blog before my birthday this year. I am getting tired of this one, lol! I've had it for over a year now. Plus, I have broken away from that asshole in Florida, and when I first started this blog my car got wrecked, and a series of other unfortunate events happened, including the death of my dad. This blog is packed full of bad memories, and I want to finish it as soon as possible. So, my goal is to write as often as I can, so I am able to finish this before my birthday on June 13. My birthday also falls on Friday the 13th this year! Spooky! Now I need to start thinking of some cool names for my next blog!
 

I just thought of something.........isn't exercise supposed to reduce the flow of your menstrual cycle and make cramps less intense? If anything, exercising has made the flow heavier and the cramps more intense. I know that I have been exercising for more than two weeks, but it seems like there would be some kind of change or difference in my cycle. When I exercised yesterday, I didn't get that many cramps, which is a surprise, because I had them the night before last. But they became worse hours after I came back from my walk. I am on my third day, and the flow doesn't seem to be letting up at all.......which is very annoying to say the least. I usually take an iron supplement two weeks before I start my period, and during, so that my body doesn't feel deprived from losing all of that blood. I am also drinking juices that contain lots of A, B, C, & E vitamins, plus organic milk enriched with vitamin D. I also need to find a good multi-vitamin that will actually dissolve in my system and not just sit there and pass through without having any effect.
 

This has been my 12th day in a row for walking. I decided that I am not seeing results fast enough, so I walk an extra mile or more per day now. I am just now starting to feel the burn of working out. The back of my left heel hurts, and my right hip hurts. I am glad to finally be in pain. Whether it's the good kind or not, I don't care. At least I know that something's working. I can't wait to see what I look like at the end of the year. I will do whatever it takes to lose all of this weight, even if it hurts. Pain builds character.
 

I am thinking about going on that birth control that stops your periods altogether. I started my period yesterday after I got back from my walk. The cramps became unbearable by bedtime. Then I had the worst cramp ever at 3am......it was so bad that it woke me out of a deep sleep. I am still having some of the worst cramps I have ever had. I think that birth control would be a lifesaver. I am tired of having this month after month of ongoing cramps. Plus it completely drains me!

It's a beautiful-sunny Michigan day today.........and my sister just called in sick for the one-jillionth time, and she broke up with her boyfriend of nearly 3 months. Most likely Sheila is at fault, only because I know my sister and how she can be. She broke up with him because he told her that she was being a "bitch". Which if she was, that wouldn't surprise me. Sheila is moody and short-tempered. Her boyfriend is nice and laid-back. I am not going to take sides, because I don't know the whole story. For all I know, Sheila could be in the right, and not her boyfriend. But it wouldn't surprise me at all if she was at fault. This calling into work thing is getting old. I can't tell you how many times she has called in already since she started working there. All I can tell you, is that it has been a lot within a month. She is going to get her ass fired if she keeps this up. You can't call into work everytime you get a little cold. She works for a call center, not a healthcare place. I have worked for several years, and never called in work for a little sniffle. I could see if she had laryngitis or something, but this is not the case. I am getting worried that she might get herself fired, and I don't want to see this happen, because she's making halfway decent money. I haven't missed a day of work in years, not since I have worked for Target, and that's been over 7 years!

P.S.----
Happy Birthday Melissa is fashionably late! !
 

I feel that it's time to break away and be on my own. I kind of had that when I moved away to Dallas and Tampa with Jerry. Things eventually went downhill between Jerry and I, then the accident with the stupid drunk who destroyed my car, and then my dad dying. That was my breaking point. I needed to get out of there and move back to Michigan. Now that I am back, I have realized that it's time to be alone, I mean, truly be alone. I need my own place. I love my family, but I need to get out and finally be my own person. It's time for a change. I would eventually like to move to a nice suburb of Detroit (yes, there is such a thing as a nice suburb of Detroit). I have been to many suburbs of Detroit and they are all nice. Besides, all of the good looking, and hot guys are on that side of the state! I can't exactly have a personal/love life or bring a guy over, if I am living with my 22 yr old sister, and 3 yr old niece. I guess privacy is my main issue. I haven't even bought furniture yet, because I am afraid that if I buy something nice that Jazlyn will pee or spill stuff on it. I might as well wait to buy accessories for my apartment, until I am moved out. Nothing is sacred in your home with a 3 yr old running loose. The fact that I am kept up at night with a 3 yr old niece screaming like a banshee, is all the more reason to get out of here. I hope that everything that I want happens smooth and quick......for my sake and sanity.