106 days

One hundred and six days

106 days of consecutive sobriety.

If consecutive didn’t count I’d have a lot longer than 106 days!

Green fingers nails popped off during Law & Order. No wonder I’m depressed all the time, L&O and forensic Files, all that I find entertaining to watch. I don’t do sitcoms, reality shows or well any thing like that… It’s either L&O or FF. Sad… in deed. Job is a pain in the butt. My head hurts me. Dopeman was high today… I knew it when I saw his beety big eyes. Told him so too… I like him better when he is high really; he doesn’t talk as much. Atta… dopeman And he’s nicer.

Sarah is out on bond. Calls up there for dopeman. I give him the messages. It’s not my place not too. I would enjoy poking myself in the eye much more than giving him message to call her. I’m afraid she won’t make it back to prison. Afraid she won’t live long enough.

My boss lady is so stressed out. I have an undercurrent of disgust towards her. I try to not show it, I owe her respect. She is my boss, I yield to her, and I give her the right a way… even when she’s not right! I don’ t think she’s right. What the hell am I thinking for anyway? She doesn’t utilize me like she could. Here I am … arms wide open awaiting her to toss me a task… She is just weird. I use to hound her. I use to go in her office each day see what she needed from me. It was always nothing or really just degrading. Come on… I have a brain that functions after a pot of coffee and pack of smokes! Her annoyance obvious. So I stopped…Well then I started to avoid her. I didn’t want her to smell the night before through my pores. Now… there is NO Night before… Now I’m sober and alert, eager and just disgusted.

I did some serious communicating with my inner self and Higher Power on Sunday.

I… t h I n k HE w a NTs me to S t A Y

Damn that’s hard to type cause I don’t think that’s what I want to do.

Sit it out. You have a passion for this. Wait. Be Still. You are my brightest light there.

Sounds a bit arrogant, but it’s what I heard!

Still don’t like it…

Still not even sure I hear Him… but I’m pretty sure. I’m pretty sure that I’m sure. I mean if it was me talking to me I think I would tell me to blow that joint!

You’re learning. You can’t lead unless you learn to submit to leadership. You’re a shepherd boy now but you’re a woman after my own heart, give me time to work on you. Don’t run.



The colors of my world are more vibrant now than ever before. I keep looking at what’s wrong and forgetting about what’s right. I guess… I’ll guess I’ll clock back into that place another day.

TJ asked that I go to lunch today but I promised my step dad I would visit with him and his sister today at lunch, so I declined. TJ is cool but I’m pretty sure he’s either the wrong dude or it’s the wrong timing… whatever the reason, I’m not interested in a man/woman relationship with him. We can be friends though! I do think he is a genuine person. From what I know of him so far… but the attraction is not there on my part. Weird how just all of the SUDDEN I just kind of Lost interest. Is that normal?

Well… There’s good and bad about aspiring to be sober…

The good news is that your feelings come back...

AND the bad news is… your feelings come back.








I'm still curious as to who is anonymous ?



**** Just some notes I took during self studies a while back...

Paul said that he was determined to finish his course with joy.

Running is a process. Many things you have to learn before you will start running. God changes us into his image as we CONTINUE in the Word of God.

Deuteronomy 7-22 –

And the LORD your God will drive out those nations before you little by little; you will be unable to destroy them at once, lest the beasts of the field become too numerous for you.


God isn’t in a big hurry. He likes to do things right. Everything takes longer than I would like it too. Most things harder than I thought they would be and have cost me more than I ever thought I could pay. Victory takes time.

Slow process doesn’t feed your emotions like quick process does.

Stand your ground. Committed, steadfast, diligent, disciplined and endure some waiting times.

Sitting, standing, walking, running.

The bible has one thing to say about lying down… Get up!

The only thing the bible tells us to lay down is our life.

John 5 – laying around waiting on a miracle.

Jesus Heals a Lame Man
Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days. Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda, with five covered porches. Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches. One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”

“I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.”

Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”

Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! But this miracle happened on the Sabbath, 10 so the Jewish leaders objected. They said to the man who was cured, “You can’t work on the Sabbath! The law doesn’t allow you to carry that sleeping mat!”

But he replied, “The man who healed me told me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’”
“Who said such a thing as that?” they demanded.

The man didn’t know, for Jesus had disappeared into the crowd. But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.” Then the man went and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had healed him.


Learn how to sit.

“ Seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus.”

 

I mysteriously lost an hour this morning. I don’t know what happened or where it went. I casually drank my coffee, smoked my cigarettes, read my morning mediations and prayers, watched the clock (long hand) …Obviously. Stepped out of the shower, couldn’t find my morning show THEN realized I was dripping wet and 15 minutes late.

I give my spiel to boss lady. She offered no understanding, absolutely appears to not care less about my trials and tribulations. I was just pissed. Mornings like this just suck. I’ve been pretty pissed off all day.

Looking at TJ didn’t even make me feel better. In fact, the way I feel right now… I just don’t think he is my type at all. Nice guy… lots of good qualities about him, but can I see he and I hooked up in five years from now, raising kids and painting the picket fence white? NO… We are just too different.

I know that opposites attract, and I know that he is a cool dude but that still small voice on the inside of me, tells me he isn’t the one. So why should I waste time? Why should I invest myself only to lose my investment in the end? I just want to be friends with him. TODAY that’s how I feel… but today I don’t think I’d have much good to say about my own momma! But I haven’t just felt this about TJ today… it’s something I just Know on the inside of me. BUT I’m not kicking him to the curb. I’m just not interested in rushing into anything. I just want to kick it as friends when we do kick it.

I left work and just waved bye to him as I rushed to my car. I can’t read him very well but I imagine he was asking himself, What’s up with that? Well, it’s been a Monday from Hell and I had plans.

Drop off dry cleaning, shop for Sheree an anniversary gift (16 years of ONE man!), go visit Mom and Mike and his sister who is in town (never made it), meet with Lucy for step study (She cancelled, last minute), Make a meeting. Come home and sulk over bad bad Monday. (Still in process)

Man, I’m afraid to fall asleep for fear that I won’t wake up!

Can I trade this here day for what’s behind door number 2 ?

 

Mount Everest is the highest mountain on Earth, measured 29,017 feet high. The mountain, which is part of the Himalaya range in High Asia, is located on the border between Nepal and Tibet. Sir George Everest was the first person to record the height and location of Mt. Everest, this is where Mt."Everest" got its name (In American language). Approximately 6,000 climbers have attempted the summit of Everest, but only 2,249 have made it. Over 200 people have died trying and of those, at least 120 bodies are still missing on the mountain.

It was an early May afternoon on Mount Everest, in 1996. A group of cold, exhausted climbers staggered the final few hundred meters toward the crest. When a powerful storm churned up the slope, engulfing them in violent wind and blinding snow. When the sky cleared a day later, eight out of fifteen climbers had frozen to death. We know this as “The 1996 Everest Disaster”. In that entire season, fifteen people died trying to reach the summit, making it the deadliest single year in Everest history.

At the "death zone", an area above 26,000 ft, the body begins to shut down, air density is one third that of sea level. The limbs become weak, eyes and throat ache; lucid thought is almost impossible. Climbers have described the mental capacity at this level as that of a slow child.The suns radiation brings agonizing headaches. Hypothermia leaves climbers staggering like drunks, unable to think or speak clearly. Dehydration kicks in, and the reduced air pressure can easily lead to death by swelling of the brain. Breakaway chunks of rock and ice, some the size of refrigerators, tumble randomly from the heights. As the climbers pass thorough the death zone, they step over the frozen corpses of those who died on Everest and even some that are simply awaiting death.

I sometimes feel like I’m walking through the death zone. When hard times come, I can’t see straight, I have to make myself breathe. My thoughts are scattered. My mental capacity seems like that of even a slow child. The headaches, the confusion, inability to think or even speak clearly. The pressures build. There are even times I swell up! Sometimes huge obstacles stand in my way. Sometimes troubles come crashing down around me and even on top of me. I look around and see those that gave up, who just decided to sit down and await death. It’s not always easy stepping over them and leaving them behind. Sometimes, more often than I want to admit, I fancy the idea of turning around and going back to where I came from, back to what I know, back to what is familiar. Some days I take two steps forwards, other’s it seems I take three steps back. The climb Upwards isn’t always peaceful, cushy or composed. At times it appears to be impossible.

The human resources dept at the City contacted me. Told me to come down and take the required skills test for the position I applied for.

I'm a little torn on what to do. Do I really want to leave the food bank? But if I don't go take these tests I may regret it later down the line.

What could the testing hurt anyway. I still may not be hired... I should take them I think.

Yeah... I think I should. I wonder if they will be open during the lunch hour. I would hate to miss time at work to go test for another job. But I imagine people do it all the time.

I tested my typing speed on line and I hit 103 words per minute with no errors. That is like the highest score I have EVER made in my typing.

Ok, I'm going to take a nap, it's a lazy Saturday for me. I have done nothing but write and read and smoke and eat M&M's all day!
 

He folds his dirty laundry...

He folds his dirty laundry when he puts it in the dirty laundry basket...

Everytime I look at my big basket of crumbled dirty laundry, I think of TJ and the fact that he... folds his dirty laundry.



So he said...

Yea he is a neat freak! We are so opposite!

I told him he was weird. He says that's what his kids tell him.

Does anyone else fold thier dirty laundry?

This conversation came about yesterday because I made the statement that I wasn't sure how my apartment was going to look since I had to leave it in the dark yesterday morning because the electricity was out. He said, Oh heck, it can't be any worse than what mine has been. Then he back tracked and said, Well I have to take that back I'm a neat freak.

He folds his dirty laundry...



Ok, I'm going back to coffee and cigs... still waking up, Its a beautiful morning here. The air is fresh and cool, the sun is peeking in the balcony glass door. It's beautiful.

Just wanted to take note of the fact that he folds his dirty laundry ....


 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMMLqmLaBNY

I have a new favorite song! Love this song… I love Kid Rock… I don’t like rap, but anything that Kid Rock does… ROCKS to me! The man that helped me move out of my ex-husbands house was a spitting image of Kid Rock. BUT at that time Kid Rock wasn’t heard of as of yet. Dude’s name was Tim and man I loved Tim. Tim had the same expressions, same hair, same eyes, same build, same attitude, same EVERYTHING as Kid Rock… AND, he has a part in my poem: Seasons of my Life…

ID: 1132275   (Rated: 18+) Seasons of my life  A poem about the men that have come and gone from my life. by BeautyFromAshes

What a day … what a day…

It never fails, when we have all day meetings at work, it emotionally throws me sideways. It would have been a drinking day... I had that same rush, that same anxiety, that same just fuck it feeling when I signed myself out of the office and found my way out the front door.

I want to blame that feeling on the dysfunction of my place of business. I want to blame those assholes I work with for this hopelessness that I can’t seem to shake. After attending a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous… God put me in line…

Humility

Grrr…

Page 90 ~ 12 steps & 12 traditions

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable anger”? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self –righteous folk? For us of AA these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional dry benders often lead straight to the bottle.

Skipping down to the bottom of the next paragraph of Step Ten:

A quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes.

And the following paragraph:

In all these situations we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere. We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress not perfection.

I feel unappreciated at my job. I feel as if I am looked over or dismissed possibly because of the past choices I have made. I feel as if maybe I am thought of as “unimportant.” This is what I’m feeling under the surface. This is why I feel angry, frustrated and critical towards my boss and even some of the co-workers. I have always felt this way but now I’m actually feeling it because I’m clean and sober. The fears of being thought of as “less than” are causing me to be insecure, discouraged and even blasting my days full of discouragement.

I’ve always respected my boss. I’ve always kept her in high regards, as well as most of my other co-workers, minus “You Know Who”… until now. I’m losing respect for my boss. I’m losing my trust or say even faith in her. Will this happen at the next job and with the next boss? What about the one after that? Do I just keep running from job to job?

Will this inadequate feeling I carry … haunt me for the rest of my life?

Possibly…

The statistic is pretty high for it… Unless… I learn to practice true humility.

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day. This is a good place to remember that inventory taking is not always done in red ink. It’s a poor day indeed when we haven’t done something right. As a matter of fact, the waking hours are usually well filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all. Under these conditions, the pains of failure are converted into assets. Out of them we receive the stimulation we need to go forward. Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we AA’s can agree with him, for we know that pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.

Maybe I should stop thinking about how far I still have to go and be more thankful with how far I have come. Maybe since I’m sober and alert, I expect my world to change instantly. Maybe I suspect that I can jump from an employee that showed up drunk to an event to the Executive Director in six months. Maybe I need to bring myself down a notch or two or three or four… Maybe I need to just be thankful that I’m sober. Thankful that I have made the progress that God has granted me the Grace to do thus far. Maybe I need less of me and more of HIM.

Just like my goals last year… I look back and laugh out loud. They were:

Buy a house
Get a 50% higher pay rate
Marry a Godly man

Maybe I need to focus on the smaller task that lead up to the larger goal… like instead of buying a house, SAVE some money DORK… instead of getting a 50% jump in pay … uh maybe take some classes… get more education… Instead of marrying a Godly man… Uh… Maybe I need to hang out where the Godly men hang out! Maybe I need a goal of Godly - good friends and if one comes along that seems fit to marry… and is of the opposite sex... Well cool… but if not… "THY Will be done, not mine..."

Maybe I got the carriage before the horse. Maybe I just need to take a freaking chill pill…

No No ... No Pills CHIC!

I’m ok! I am OK… It just never fails, these meeting days get me every damn time… Can’t even put a word to what I’m feeling really… I know I need to write a letter to God. Get some rest… and start again tomorrow…

Maybe stop looking at everything thats wrong with me and pay a little more attention to the things that are right.

Sorry I poo’ed on you all… I haven’t blogged this way in a while but it’s poured out of me in less than twenty minutes, you know it’s coming from the core…

Ahh…

 

Today I applied for a job with the City. The job description listed is not a thing more than what I do already. Working for the City would be beneficial in that the benefits rock! I have good benefits now but nothing like what the City has to offer. The extra thousand a month would be quite beneficial too. We will see… Not a thing wrong with seeing what’s out there. The girl that I replaced at the food bank over two years ago came in today to just visit. Man, she was a talker… She didn’t talk to me but talked my bosses ear off. I could just hear my boss silently wishing this woman would get out of her office. The old Administrative Assistant is pregnant now. She recently married. I knew this before I was told because on her old computer I found all kinds of documents and stuff about planning weddings and she also likes to cook! Recipes out the waaazzooo! She has recently quit the job that she left this one for and is “living it up” as she repeated many times. I guess her hubby has things covered and she is kicking back with her pregnant self. NICE! But I think she was coming in to check about her old job. She can have it back! As soon as I get another one!

So TJ came over to my home for a few hours after work. I told him before he got here that I wasn’t inviting him over for no loving! How brash can one girl be… But I just didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. I tell ya… this is bringing Randy flashbacks to me. It really really is… I don’t know that I’m really over that situation. I’m over him… it was never him from the start but that situation still haunts me. Randy had a huge part in bringing me to my knees, which in turn brought me into recovery. So it’s just a bit scary for me. It’s also a bit scary because the more I get to know TJ, the more I like him. I don’t normally like very many men. I can pick a person to death! I’m good at sizing a man up and within just minutes of talking to him finding something wrong and either deciding to play with him for a while or to just not waste my time.

But it’s not like that with TJ. Maybe it is because I am not the same woman that I use to be. Maybe because I don’t have to hide inside a bottle anymore. I am who I am and if it doesn’t happen… then it’s not meant to be. That’s honestly how I feel right now, but the thing that scares me is I haven’t found anything about him that totally turns me away…. Not yet…

He is a bit money hungry. Yes… He talks about his love for money a lot. He speaks of it like he knows it’s something he needs to be careful about. He says it isn’t that he likes spending it. He just likes having it. That is cool… not a thing wrong with working hard to make something for yourself, but there should be balance, priorities and first things first. So… if I could find a thing to push him away for at this point, it’s the love of money that is quite evident in him. AND really that’s NOT a bad thing… Money is not a bad thing, but to love money, to make it top priority… there is bound to be consequences.

He talked more the two hours he was at my home then I thought he was capable of. He told me that he witnessed his mother be shot to death by her boyfriend when he was 7 years old. His grandparents raised him and his younger brother and spoiled them like crazy. He comes from money… money is just engrained in him it seems. He loves fast, sharp cars. He is real sporty. Basketball, football, soccer, volleyball, baseball, softball, track… Says he doesn’t like to watch them, he wants to play! That’s cool… but I’m not real sporty. I can kick some ass at volleyball but the other stuff… not interested. I like aerobics, Does that count?

He told me that he has had THREE girlfriends in his 37 years of life. THREE!!! Says he is a “One Woman Man”… Man, I have had more than three boyfriends in the last year. That just blew my mind when he said that. He talked about how he hasn’t had many friends in his life. That’s opposite of me because I have quite a few friends. I’m a lot more outgoing than he is. Even though I am quiet for the most part too, I’m not near as quiet as he is. I’m way more talkative… although he sure did open himself up this afternoon and let it pour all over me. He didn’t take to Meowster very well and you know how I am about my furrball… But honestly, I was just in a daze when he left.

No alcohol. No drugs… no attempts at sex… just two people talking and getting to know each other. He drank a Dr. Pepper, I drank my green tea. It’s just a trip. I’m scared because I like him. I like him a lot. He told me he loves Polo black cologne and I love the smell of cologne on a man! Woot… do I ever and I was looking at the men’s cologne when I went to the store after he left. BUT of course I’m not going to buy him none… No WAY! Not yet… That would be so desperate, but you guys know I love to give and when someone says they like something and you know me… but I didn’t buy it. Nope! I bought myself some new panties and bras!

I just wanted to shop! I couldn’t sit still… I’m doing something I’ve never done before. I’m stepping into an unknown realm and I’m scared. I am… I am scared because I know there is a possibility that I could come to care for this guy. So far… unless he is a bullshitter that can bullshit a bullshitter… So far he seems to be quite fine and if I start caring that means he can hurt me. So… I’m just tripping a bit… but I’m going to chill out… I’m thinking way to far in advance. Way too far… I need to chill… I do believe that a friendship will be made. I’m almost positive that a strong possibility life long friendship is in the making. I just kind of feel it… if that makes sense to anyone but me.

He moved to Odessa on Valentines Day. Remember? The day that you guys sent me all the valentine and birthday wishes!?!! TJ pulled into Odessa. I don’t think he is going to stay at the food bank very long because he is already talking about how he isn’t making enough money there. In fact, I think he may end up going back to Amarillo. He hasn’t said that but I just have that feeling. Who knows… I don’t know. I’m just rambling. I’m going to stop now. This is just spewing. I’m seriously in a daze. It’s a change. I guess it’s a good thing but I’m fearful of this.

REGARDLESS of what TJ came into my life for… when I ask God for guidance I know that whatever happens is the best possible solution. I asked God just this morning to bless it or block it… By the way things went today, looks like he blessed it. Well for ME anyway. I don’t know what TJ thinks! Not a bit!!! He made several comments about my home, he liked it, said I kept a nice place. He also said some things about my car smelling fresh and clean! LOL I think it smells like an ashtray! So really that was nice cause I’m self-conscious about my car smelling like ass.

Oh and I told him about the circumstance with dopeman, you know the details about him getting up in my desk and taking my stuff. TJ said if I was his girl, dopeman would be having some big problems about now.

Ok, I’m going to bed! Tomorrow is meetings all day long! But I got me some a new bra and panties to wear! And new makeup but I have to iron my dress suit! GOTTA GO!






 

I just got back in from a lunch date with TJ...

OMG!

That GOD AWFUL awkward date thing!

Man… man … man…

So he had a piece of corn stuck to his chin.

What to do? I considered letting it stay there. I then considering just whispering to him that corn is on your chin. And then there was the idea of flirtingly wiping it off myself with a batting of the eyes and devilishly grin.

What to do? What to do? Before I figured out what to do his napkin got it! Whewww…

Then I had to hold myself back from talking smack about dopeman. I did make comment about how I am burnt out on the people at the food bank and that being the reason I leave for lunch. So he asked, “how long till you get burnt out on me?”

I set myself up for that. No one likes a complainer. Man… I had to bite my own tongue to not talk smack, that made the conversation go a bit dull since I could hardly talk and bite on my tongue at the same time.

He said, Dopeman said I was cool. Then I felt like a real shit for talking the smack that I did... ekkk...

Then he trips as we are walking back into work. What do you do? There was nothing to blame his tripping on, he just tripped on his own foot! Sometimes being embarrassed for someone else sucks worse than being embarrassed for yourself!

Then as I ate my Long John Silvers crispy fried fish, the breading fell down and into my bra. And since I have the cleavage going on with my sparkly tank top and unbuttoned blouse, the food that missed my mouth fell right between my boobs! Yeah, he was looking right at me too! Imagine my red face digging it out… I couldn't just leave it in there!!!!

Gawd…

This dating thing that normal people do … no wonder I always got drunk before!

It was ok though. I like him a little more everytime I spend time with him. He asked why I wasn't married. Because I haven't found anyone that I like enough to want to marry! I guess it don't get much clearer than that huh... sometimes I get on my own nerves.

He said I'm always smiling. He asked if I ever get mad...

Oh dear God... does he have the surprise of his life coming...

Now we are both smiling and staring everytime we pass eachother. You know that... Googoo eye thing... Gawd this is nerve wrecking!!!!! But I guess it's part of being a normal person doing normal shit, right?!?!

 

Yesterday I was just too exhausted to blog. For a Monday it was not a bad day at all. My ONLY discomfort… fatigue. Tired because I tossed and turned the night before... so much useless information occupied my mind, preventing me from drifting off to dream. Well… yesterday morning during my meditation I AGAIN made a decision to just Let it go… * Jen exhales * You see, I think I have let something go then find myself again… taking it right back. It’s like pulling a weed from hardened soil, without pulling the root up with it… that exact same weed will sprout again! What is the root of my resentful thinking? Maybe I was born pissed off at the world. The truth is the particular resentments I just recently conquered were direct results from my disease of addiction. My only known solution: Stay Sober… Let Go… Let God Get out of His way, CHIC! Maybe this time I will remember that letting go is a daily decision. For people like me it’s sometimes an hourly decision.

I’ve found myself thinking very negatively lately. I mean some of the most pessimistic brooding has made laps through my mind. I started the thinking repair process in Lubbock, the weekend before last and it’s been getting better each day since. I mean this with every ounce of honesty in me when I say I truly believe that demonic forces were at work on me. Attacking my mind, my body, my emotions, my circumstances… I was targeted, there’s no doubt in my mind, for whatever reason… I was on the hit list! However, ONE simple sunbeam drives away many shadows. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me.