Song: "For The Nights I Can't Remember" by Hedley

I never even heard that song before. I'd found it when I was taking a bunch of random "quizzes". Yeah, I do that sometimes. They amuse me, though they're pointless. Oh, and apparently I'd die in the middle of a horror movie, but survive for, like, a month if there was a zombie attack on earth. Weird stuff.

So far all I really did today was go to church. Our actual pastor is out in Oklahoma visiting his family (kids and grand-kids), so we were supposed to have other pastors come to preach for a bit. This week, though, a pastor didn't come. One of our church members, though, decided to go up and preach instead. How awesome is that? I was impressed, anyway.

Later today my mom, my sister, and I might go to the movie theatre to see, obviously, a movie. It'll probably be Fame since I'd rather not watch Couple's Retreat (if that's it's name), Zombieland, or Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (again). I'd been hoping to have Hanna come down and stay the night or something, but her dad is being stubborn again and won't let her out of the house.

Since I started making random lists, I'll just switch off of what I did yesterday, only it'll be things I do like, in a way. Just to keep things sort of balanced.

5 Things I Like About The World/ Life:

1. Nature/ Landscapes
2. Different cultures
3. The way people sometimes surprise me
4. Colors
5. Emotions, thoughts, etc. that can change your perspecitive (I suppose)

The first thing on that list is kind of self-explanatory, I feel. I like pretty much everything about nature, like the elements: earth, water, wind, fire, etc. I'm starting to tolerate fire less and less, though, because it's such a bully. I like how it's pretty, provides warmth, and all that, but it could stop with the wildfires and stuff. Gosh.

The second thing might be a bit harder to understand, but I find different cultures interesting, sometimes. I like how in different parts of the world people talk, dress, or think differently. I'm not going to go on about that, though.

For the third one, a good example might be something I heard in the news. This guy, I suppose, "abducted", or whatever, a little boy (his son?), and there was an Amber Alert for it. I suppose the guy might have crashed somewhere, and some other dude got involved. I don't know details, but I think the outside man held the possible dad at gunpoint because the outside man had recognized him from the Amber Alert. He'd waited until the authorities came and took care of everything.

So I give a big round of applause to people sort of like that. I was surprised at the man who had called the authorities and everything, and it made me happy. I just hope no one had gotten hurt and all.

Anyway, colors is self-explanatory, and the last one meant that I find it interesting that moods can change perspectives. Like, sometimes when I'm happy, I love the world, and everything seems sunshine-y, but when I get depressed, things turn kind of gray. So, it's not one of my great likes, but it can still be put up there. I'd just ran out of things to say.

And so, this entry is done.
 

Song: "Waking the Demon" by Bullet for My Valentine

Today I guess I'll be going apple-picking. In theory it should be fun. It doesn't look that way right now.

So, I kind of feel like making random-ish lists. Lists seem interesting, to me.

To fit what's happened so far today, I'm just going to make a list of five things I don't find that great. Just because.

1. Bad parenting
2. Bad fathers
3. Racism and Sexism
4. Adult Humor (vulgarity and anything having to do with it, like dumb movies like Disaster Movie)
5. Swearing excessively

I don't really have time to explain any of those, so I'll mostly leave it as it is. I understand that those can be debatable and all, but I'm not much of a debater. Bad parenting can be a broad term, but at least I didn't put "adults" or "parents" up there. Sometimes I feel I dislike parents, adults, and families. Anyway, I'm not going into a rant, and I'm leaving for apple-picking.

Hope everyone has a good day and all that.
 

My days have been getting mixed up lately, I feel. Usually around this time of year, I'd be getting excited, or something. I mean, there's three (sort of) big holidays coming up. I should be all "hip-hip-hooray" and whatnot, but...everything is just dull nothingness.

Around the time Halloween comes around--a rocking holiday, I feel--I'm wanting to watch creepy movies with my friends and family, or something. I mean, I've thought about it lately, but the same energy I usually get just doesn't show up.

Did I mess myself up somehow lately?

And though Thanksgiving will be coming around the corner, I don't find any enthusiasm for that either, even though there will be some days out of school for that as well. I don't remember much excitement in the past for that holiday, but it wasn't boring every-day feelings when the holiday was getting closer.

And then there's Christmas coming up.

Every year I start getting excited for the colors and scents and traditions for Christmas, but this year there seems to be nothing. It's not looking good. When am I going to want to start wishing for Christmas songs, or look forward to the cold sort of nights when I get to freeze a bit, but then have our crazy heater come on, or get blinded by the snow, or slip on the ice, or freeze my nose off in the morning, and blah blah blah? I hope my days straighten out a bit so I can start being excited again.

I feel I'm sort of a creature of habit, I guess. That's why I start feeling out of place when things start to change.

Anyhow, I haven't been looking forward to the cold lately. Usually when I can smell (yes, I'm kind of a weirdo) the cold, bitter winter winds come during fall, I get sort of cheery, knowing Christmas and such is on its way. When I notice that these days, I'm like "Can I just go somewhere sunny and warm now?"

I used to love and appreciate my pine-green and gray town, not caring much about the sun-orange and beach-yellow cities (that's how I imagine some of the coastal cities), but now I'd rather be near a beach or something, someplace warm.

I'm not going to dwell on that right now, though. I hear lots of people around this time of year complain about it being so cold or how they'd rather be in Florida or something. I'd rather not be like that, even if I already am.
 

Song: "1980" by Rehab

Well, I'm not too depressed at the moment. Three cheers for that Of course, I can't be sure it'll last. Who knows?--not one of my favorite phrases, by the way-- I could end up getting depressed later, but..since I'm in an ok mood, I'll try to keep this a bit light.

So today was a half day of school. Yippee. You can cheer too if you want, even if you didn't get a half day of school. It's fun to cheer sometimes. Even if it's for other people.

I'm like that in gym class sometimes. I'll be on the opposite team and someone who isn't on my team makes some wicked pass or home-run and I'll start "Woot!"-ing for them. After a second I realize that it's probably against some invisible rules to do that, but I'll just laugh and keep cheering.

In my Music Theory class today I got to play bass and drums! I love the drums. I like the bass. I'm not good at either, but it was cool that I got to try. And we were all doing different parts (except for the two bass players) to help make the songs we made up more awesome. And mine had been first. It was cool.

When it was my turn to attempt the drums, I'd sat behind the set with big eyes like "What am I supposed to do? o_o" and when he finally realized I was lost, he gave me instructions. He sort of yelled a bit, but not in the way that I'd get upset, for me to be louder.

Like I may have mentioned before, I'm a quiet sort of person. Today, my teacher realized this. His sort of dream or whatever was to be able to yell at me to be quiet some day, because he wanted me to become a louder person, especially when I was on drums today. It was interesting.

In Art class while we were busy making coil pots, I think I asked Josh (my best friend, Tyler's, cousin) if he thought he'd miss our class after he gradiated (graduated). He said he would, and it kind of made me smile because I knew I would.

I love my class, and they're like my family. When I graduate, I'm probably going to cry forever. I know most of my classmates barely understand who I am, and probably don't give a rip about me, but even the pain-in-the-neck kids I'll miss. I grew up with them, went to school with them, all that small-town-America stuff, and it'll be difficult to break away.

You know what? I wouldn't give up that pain for anything, though. I'd rather be in a small school with all the crap gossip and knowing everything about everyone (though I actually don't) than in a big school where there's two hundred other kids in my grade that I don't know.

Know what's cool? My class has a whopping total of, like, thirty kids, give or take. Some kids are expelled or moved, so my counting will be off. My class is the smallest in my school. And I love it. I love going on field trips with them, too, because it's just fun. I love my big family.

Most days anyway.

After school, I went to work a bit outside, then I played piano and sang until I couldn't stop coughing. Long story.

At one point I went to my voice lessons, and I did ok. I was kind of hyper, so I was a little more open than I usually am. I've been working on singing Danny Boy well and stuff. It went well, I suppose. I know I was sort of proud with myself.

Pride isn't one of my best features, though. I've got too much of it.

For example, early this morning before we went to school, my sister was being a pain, so I started threatening her. She kept saying I wasn't intimidating and that she wasn't scared of me, and it ticked me off. All I wanted to do was make her scared. So on her way out the door, I kicked it hard enough that it slammed into her, squishing her a bit between the inside door and storm door(?), which surprised her and got me yelled at a bit, but I didn't care.

If you're thinking I'm a meanie right now, you're pretty much correct. I have my bad moments, and frankly, they happen a lot these days. Maybe I'll become a better person someday.
 

So, I'm thinking depression and some other negative emotions are, well, dumb. I'm sure I had something better to use other than that word, but sometimes my brain just shuts down on its own.

I'm going through one of my almost typical (excuse any wrong-word usage, I'm just too dang annoyed, or whatever, to really care) depression moods. I have an idea what's wrong, but I don't care to share. Lucky you.

Anybody else hating on negative emotions (meaning the fact they exist, not the people feeling them) say "Aye." Actually, that's not necessary. I can understand the beauty behind the feeling. Though not really, I just understand that it's probably best that there's negative emotions along with the positive. I mean, I'm not cheering or happy that they're around, but...yeah. Being depressed kind of sucks. Unless I'm delusional and feeling great about it. Which could be contradictory.

Anyway, those anti-depressant pills sound kind of great right now. Too bad I've got to get over being sad the old fashioned way.

And that's not as easy as some people portray it to be.

I've tried being all "Ok, time to stop being depressed and get happy." but, surprise surprise, it doesn't work too well all the time. I end up screwing up and falling into numbness.

So, I figure I'm pretty much ranting and crud, but I feel like I need to get some of my thoughts or feelings just plain AWAY. If not, I might stab something--mainly myself. Sorry to anyone reading this who is sensitive to any of that stuff. Just speaking my mind. If you don't want things that could probably mess with your mood, or something, I'd suggest finding a rainbows and gumdrops blog/journal.

If you've noticed by now that I'm getting sort of hostile, that might be because I am. I'm probably not going to do anything stupid, but I'll probably get mouthy if I get the chance. That's about as far as my hostility tends to go.

Anyway. Have a better day than me.
 

So, it was a lock-down free day, today. In English we continued reading The Scarlett Letter, but in small groups. We were supposed to be in a Literary Circle, I guess. We all had different roles, and with my bad luck, I got the Discussion Director.

Ok, part of the deal about me is that I try to avoid being even close to the center of attention. Sometimes I try to believe that I enjoy blending in with the crowd, or at least appearing invisible. Being Discussion Director--a role someone else in my group had assigned me--doesn't allow this. The Discussion Director is supposed to--obviously--direct the discussion by way of, like, questions, to start with.

So my job was to write down questions to ask my group that had to do with what we read. It turned out that the girl who had assigned me the role was open to taking up the responsibility of at least attempting to fully answer my questions. So we were the 'awesome' group that kept the discussion about the book going.

I was kind of proud. Proud of myself and my group. The last time I was Discussion Director, no one was really willing to try, but this time it turned out well. And even though for the first part I was bursting with my pent up opinions, but I eventually I found a chance to open my mouth and talk about what I thought about the book. It wasn't even that awkward, so I didn't get angry afterward.

In Health class we had went to the library to finish our posters we started a while ago. We were supposed to be advertising a product, and my group had made up their own: "the Iron Sponge". It was kind of comical, especially when we did the presentation in front of the rest of the class. Ours was relatively the better one there.

Corey--the guy who I mentioned had earlier gone into the girls' bathroom for my friend Kate's bathroom party extravaganza (picture taking thing)--was our main spokesperson. He was full of enthusiasm and energy, so when he was explaining what our product was (after Vicky was like "It's the Iron Sponge!"), it rocked the class's socks. They laughed and stuff, especially when he'd abruptly paused in the middle of his enthuse fest and was like "Um..." while he searched for the right word (which was "steel wool").

After his speech, I was supposed to say "Endorsed by the Brady Bunch *two thumbs up and big smile*!" Then my other friend, Abbey, was supposed to say something about money and a deal. After that, another kid in my group Vasilis (Va-sill-ee-us)--this amusing kid who's apparently of Greek decent but pretty much quiet about it and basically refuses to enlighten us on cool Greek language and alphabet stuff--was supposed to quickly say "Warning: May cause cancer or death." at the end, like some commercials about evil medicine do.

Vasilis had been so abrupt that it took all of a second for people to blink and be like "What?!" It was funny. Trust me.

Then in Gym class we were playing a sort of kickball game. It's evil. I dislike that game a lot, mostly because we played it so much in the past. What helped it along, though, was the music. Music just makes things better, people. That would have been a long miserable game otherwise.

At one point, when my team was in-field, I decided to randomly, slightly dance. It wasn't some all-out freestyle or party moves, just something so I could move a bit to the music, because I wanted to do something. I didn't imagine anyone near me would really care to notice, though, so it kind of embarrassed and surprised me when Emily started laughing and said, "Aw, you're so cute." I'd just laughed slightly and said "Okay ."

She'd said that, like, two times because I continued to dance a little, but I just shook my head the second time, smirking slightly, and hopped/skipped over to where I was going to stand when we switched to outfield. Not long after the song seemed to change to "Thriller", but I forgot pretty much all the dance moves, so I didn't dance along. Darn.

After Gym/Health class is Band, and I got to play the cowbell. That may sound dumb or boring, to some of you, but it wasn't too easy, and not necessarily dumb. Of course, I don't even like Band anymore, and I don't think I really ever did. All I feel I usually get to play are "Mallets" which include bunches of different kinds of xylophones.

I despise. The xylophones.

Sure, they can sound pretty. But I don't like playing them.

So, every Band day, I wish I could quit. But now something is holding me back. I'm not sure what it could be. It might be the fact that I joined, quit, then rejoined already. It might be the fact that music might become my future and it would be dumb to quit. Or it could be something else. Don't know what.

In I-block, I was playing a sort of physics game called "Destroy the Wall". They give you a ball and obstacles and you're supposed to launch the ball using your computer mouse and hit some blocks or circles or whatever over so they fall. The ball can fall, but it has to be after the blocks do. So there was a particularly tricky obstacle where I was supposed to knock a circle off. I wasn't very good at the game, but one time I got the ball through the obstacle, and as it was nearing the circle...

It totally changed course and made a perfect arc right over it!

I was so surprised--and peeved. Of course, I was laughing pretty much the whole time, so I told McKayla about it, and she was like "How mad would you be if I won this part on my first try?" Then I said she could try, but only once, so she better give it a good effort.

I doubted she could do it.

She took a few seconds to aim the ball with the mouse, probably calculating trajectory and everything, so I was thinking Ok, there's no way she's going to get this. She's taking too long. Obviously she'll miss.

So what happened was--"you guessed it"--she won. First try and everything.

I fail at life. Just kidding. Promise. I might've half-yelled that at her, though, and we just busted a gut laughing.

Fun.

Not much else important really happened today. Except in World Cultures I threatened a kid, sort of, because he said I sucked at something. It wasn't a big threat. It wasn't an important or too threatening threat--though that might be just because I'm me (a practically harmless girl).

I'd probably explain what I said, but it may not be all that appropriate. I'm not going to risk it. Basically I asked him if he wanted to keep everything that classified him as being a dude, which is similar to threatening someone that if they planned to have kids in the future, that they should keep their mouth shut.

I guess it may not sound nice. But I'm not a very nice person sometimes. The other guy who stood nearby that heard, though, laughed at my comment, so I didn't worry too much about feeling guilty at the time.

So, I'm sort of excited (though not really) about the rest of the week. Wednesday and Thursday, we get out of school early, and then on Friday and Monday, we have no school. Yay! I have no clue what I'll be doing, but it's something to look forward to.

Anyway, I don't have anything else to say.
 

Song: "Rehab" by Rihanna

So today was an interesting day, I guess.

Early this morning while my sister, Jess, and I were walking to school, I looked across the street and down the sidewalk. There was a guy walking down the sidewalk, and after a few seconds, I realized the guy was wearing sort of gym or pajama pants. Without a shirt. I'd sort of blinked in surprise, seeing it was pretty cold out, and then noticed he was swinging a wooden oar and sort of talking to himself.

Automatically, I pretty much thought the guy was a nut or intoxicated. As he kept walking, he went up to what I'd assumed was his house, and he started banging on the door and shouting. I'd thought to myself, Is that why he brought an oar? He forgot his keys and was going to break in?

I'd mentioned the guy to Jess and my sister, but they didn't seem worried, yet just laughed when I asked if they thought he was drunk, too.

In English we were reading The Scarlett Letter (we didn't just start it, but we're working our way through it). I'm not sure what to think of it yet, but it's not too boring. In Chemistry we took notes, or started to. It wasn't that bad, though sometimes I'd rather do labs.

Then Gym came. We'd all pretty much got changed and ready to go play some game in gym. The only thing really running through my mind was that I wanted to listen to music. Then I went out to the gym and waited for all the people to come out so the teacher could tell us all what we were doing.

And then the loudspeakers came on, telling us we were going into lock down.

I'd looked around at my classmates and my teacher, and after a brief second, she ushered us all toward the girls' locker-room (including some of the boys) and sprinted over to the door. Luckily none of the girls inside were still getting changed, I guess.

We'd went past the bigger part of the locker room to go sit in the shower part of the room, because it was fairly big. They'd turned off all the lights, so we sat in semi-darkness.

The teacher and school secretary (I suppose) were mumbling to each other, asking if they heard there was going to be a drill today. They were pretty worried, I suppose, and they kept texting some of the other teachers and such, trying to get information. Some of my classmates were doing the same. AND THAT'S A GOOD REASON TO HAVE CELLPHONES IN SCHOOL, PEOPLE. Just sayin'. No in-school phone would have carried out what they wanted to do. Too noisy. Cellphones can be much quieter and stuff. So, there's my sort of short argument on why they shouldn't be banned in schools. There are more reasons, but I'm not jumping on the soap box anytime soon today.

So, a couple of us (maybe half my gym class) were sitting in the shower-room for, at least, 80 minutes. I kept dozing off every so often, but because it was cold and I was uncomfortable, I never actually got to sleep.

Supposedly, the guy I'd seen earlier that day had been threatening to kill his neighbor. One of my classmates was told by her mom (via texting) that the guy supposedly told the cops that if they didn't take him seriously, that he'd go across the road into our school. My uncle didn't hear anything about that (he'd probably know since he's, I think, the manager of our borough and big stuff goes down there), but either way the guy was dangerous. People thought he was probably on drugs or drunk, as well.

Later on, after the lock down was over, the school day went relatively quickly. I barely even remember what happened now. It's probably not even important, so I won't try remembering it.

After school I went to the library to get a book. I'd gotten the wrong one, though, so later I went back to get the right one.

After my first trip, though, I went back over to the borough, the place where I mentioned my uncle works, and I grabbed my rollerblades to go skating for awhile in the parking lot. I almost fell a couple times, and it made me nervous. I thought I was going to fall a few times, so I got shaky and ended up quitting for awhile.

Later, when I went to my grandma's, we let Karma off her leash to run around for awhile. I went to investigate what she was doing at one point and I accidentally backed/walked right into my grandma's bird feeder which was on a stand. I might have sensed myself getting closer to it, or something, because just before I smacked my face off the plastic sled/saucer (which was set up to let the bird feed slide off onto the ground) I raised my hand quickly and hurt that a bit instead. My chin did graze the sled thing, though, at the same time my hand hit the underside of it, so it looked and sounded like I hit my face off of it, and when I turned around blushing, embarrassed, I saw my grandma holding a hand in front of her mouth, trying to hide her laughing from me.

Going home, I also learned that recently someone broke into our shed and stole a can sort of thing that was nearly full with gasoline. My mom had thought my uncle accidentally broke the latch sort of deal on the shed doors in his rush to get inside, or whatever, but when she'd asked, he said he hadn't. So we concluded that someone else had gotten inside and took the gas. My mom wasn't happy, and I was pretty disturbed by the thought that my town seemed to be changing for the worse lately.

So that was most of my day, and I'm probably going to stop here now. I don't have anything else to say, I feel. So... yup.