Quote: "Promise is the capacity for letting people down." - Cyril Connolly
Song: "Last Resort" by Papa Roach

         That song is...fun. I like it, though, despite the use of swear words. When has that really stopped me, though? The song is interesting, though, and I can't help but like the tune. The message is scary, but many people, sometimes including myself, can relate to it.
         I was taken to a church picnic today, during a thunderstorm. It was kind of a boring picnic. I got cold after walking through the rain a couple times and I went to sit in the car. When in the car, I got a little warmer and I finally got to continue writing and actually listen to my music.
         On the way home, I was in a sort of bad mood and "Last Resort" was the song that came on. After that, I pretty much knew what song I was going to pick for the day's journal. Of course, it was almost a tie between "Last Resort" and "In This River" by Black Label Society. I ended up picking the first song, but one of these days, if I haven't already, I will put my other choice up.
 

Quote: "We don't know who we are until we see what we can do." - Martha Grimes
Song: "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin

         We had a birthday party for my Uncle today. His birthday was yesterday, but my grandma only had time to bake a cake for today. It was nice, I suppose. Not a big celebration. Just dinner, birthday cake+icecream, and then time for socializing. It was fun watching a show called "Still Standing" with my uncle. That show is kind of funny, but I know he was actually waiting to watch "Reba" which is somewhat funnier.
         We also got a thunderstorm today, but it only lasted, like, five minutes. It came back for another few minutes later on, but it still didn't last long enough for me to actually enjoy it. The rain was nice, though. The rest of the day was sort of boring. Not much happened. I started reading one of the four or five books I've been reading for awhile now, and I even tried to go on to another chapter in my sequel. That's good, I suppose, I just hope I can finish the book this time.
 

Quote: "Many people lose their tempers just seeing you keep yours." - Frank Moore Colby
Song: "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan

         We went to the doctors today. It was...interesting, I suppose. I ended up getting a shot. I hate getting shots. I was kind of afraid of the pain, so much so that I felt sick to my stomach, before she even stabbed me with the needle. Afterward, I felt ill and shaky, but I was able to walk in a few minutes, which is good.
         My mom was the one who brought up the bipolar disorder topic. It wasn't that she was the one who said it, but the way she said it, like she was amused by the thought, that angered me. I was trying to find my own way in talking about my depression and anger, but my mom made it sound like a joke and it ticked me off a little. When she went to talk with the doctor, though, she hadn't thought it was a joke anymore, but instead she was crying a little. Apparently, my mom thinks that my problem is that I bottled up my anger over what happened in the past and that it was just now deciding to come out. So now I get to go talk with a counselor...Yay?
         The doctor's appointment was mostly the only thing that really happened that was eventful today. I have been making an almost daily habit of climbing the scaffolding in my backyard up to my roof, though. But today I took my MP3 player and a book with me. I sat there for a little while, listening to "Fear" and reading a chapter out of my book. Then I decided to go down, which was a little tricky since I had to hold a book with my hand. Scaffolding is a verticle ladder, obviously without the benefit of the diagonal slant that normal ladders have. So, when I went to grab my book off the roof, I lost my balance slightly, and almost lost my footing. When I dropped my book onto the lower level, though, I was able to descend better, without falling. Well, with practice I'll get better.
 

Quote: "The imagination exercises a powerful influence over every act of sense, thought, reason -- over every idea." - Latin Proverb
Song: "Waking the Demon" by Bullet for My Valentine

         Another blah day today. My sister and I got in another argument about something stupid (like usual), plans were cancelled, we watched a few movies, piano lessons, just common stuff. The argument wasn't a big deal, until I went to help my sister and she tried to slam the door on me as I was entering. I suppose it was a good thing I had a hand on the door or else she could have bruised my arm. It's also a good thing that I'm a little stronger, or else I would have never been able to shove the door open and helped her with her problem. It's pretty sad, though, that an argument can break out over a toothbrush. Sheesh.
         My uncle who was coming down to visit ended up cancelling this afternoon. He was having a rough day or he had a headache and ended up cancelling. I guess that's alright, I didn't even know why he was coming anyway. What I also realized last night/this morning (or remembered) was that my Aunt Ruth passed away. She isn't really my Aunt (more like a great-aunt) and I hardly knew her. Her viewing was today and the funeral tomorrow. I don't really go to those things, though...I only went to one viewing lately, but never any funerals. I'll go to funerals of my closer family members, but...not so many of other's. It's probably a stupid reason, but I don't care much about seeing dead relatives.
         There were no scary movies today. They were about either Ireland or Scotland, for each of the two movies. They were pretty good and I liked them. I think Ireland seems like a nice place to visit, or live. Scotland might be nice, too, but the name Ireland sounds more appealing to me for some reason. The accents sound nice as well, if you can understand what they're saying. I've heard a few comedians (including Robin Williams) say that an Irishman is hard enough to understand when he's sober. I guess the Irish people have been known to drink a lot. To each his own, I suppose.
         Nothing great happened for piano lessons today. I got a few stickers (because that's how we're rewarded) on two of my piano pieces. I still have to work on the song "Be Thou My Vision" for Church. They've been trying to get me to play for my church, but I suppose I'm kind of nervous. I don't like messing up when just playing music for my own entertainment, so I'm not sure how I'll get through simply playing for the Church. "It'll be fine," they tell me. Sure. Oh well. All's well that ends well.
 

Quote: "Actions speak louder than words."
Song: "Fragile" by Delta Goodrem

         One of the most aggravating things for me is needing to vent, but not finding a way to, without having to talk. I've tried to draw, listen to music, fume, write, and played the piano. Nothing has helped. It's not a great feeling trying to vent and being unable to do it. The drawing I had started looked like crap halfway through, so I had erased it. I'm unable to doodle, so I ended up tossing the sketchbook to the side. I'm discouraged enough with my writing that I didn't want to even bother concentrating on that, and we lack any angry music for the piano and I wasn't in the mood to try and pound out another song. The music hasn't helped much, either. Any song I listened to, which weren't many, they did nothing to help my mood. I ended up choking back tears and just sitting there, thinking. I'm not that much of a crier, but when I do cry, it's at the worst possible times or for no apparent reason.
         My day hadn't started out...too bad. I got into a spat with my sister early this morning. When I wake up with a headache, it would probably be in everyone's favor to just leave me the heck alone. Of course, my sister doesn't care what's in anyone's best favor, so, when I left my room to go take a Tylenol, she thought something was funny and laughed at me. I had no idea why, but I'm a self-conscious kind of person, and I get offended when someone laughs at me. I'm unable to swear at her, so after I had a short argument with her, I just walked off, mumbling profanities under my breath. She finally got the idea through her thick head that she had ticked me off when I went to put an empty pitcher on the table, shoving the cold container past her arm, which was blocking my way.
         My sister's reaction to things, when she's upset, is stomping her feet or slamming her hand down on the nearest flat surface. I absolutely hate that, but there was no way she could have made me more upset at that moment. She had asked me what my problem was, and I shot the same question back at her. Then she yelled at me saying, "You could have said 'Excuse me'!". I wasn't in the mood for making up any brilliant comebacks, so I just said, "Or, you could have read my mind and gotten out of my way."
         For the next...ten or fifteen minutes, I was sitting on the floor, running my head under cool water, trying to calm down after wasting four minutes glaring at nothing. I was frustrated with my sister and myself. I was in another of my moods where I wanted to break something or do anything to get rid of my anger. I thought about asking my mom if there was some kind of medication that could prevent low self-esteem (which had been the key to my anger that morning) or "morbid/suicidal ideations". I wanted to ask my sister how she felt knowing she was one of the keys to my low self-esteem or suicidal thoughts. I wanted my mom to know how bad my thoughts were getting to have her now how bad I wanted my pain to stop. I didn't get to it, though. Apparently, the argument this morning wasn't as important as a movie my mom rented. My mom likes to get off the topic of me and my sister's arguments, but it messed up my plans in asking for any kind of help. Too frickin' bad, maybe another time.
         My mood softened a bit as we watched the movie. My mom rented "The Eye" thinking it was a Thriller, and not a Horror, movie. I told her, when all the commercials, or whatever they are, started playing before the movie, that it was, indeed, a horror movie. She asked before we watched it, though, if I was still up to it. I knew I was going to be freaked out a little, but I didn't think it could have been worse than "White Noise" (a movie I pretty much hate). The movie wasn't too bad, and it had an actual happy ending (sort of). I did get freaked out, just like I had predicted. It was full of ghosts and stuff (not that, that kind of stuff bothers me), but it kept flitting all around the room, and the face wasn't all that pretty. The first time I screamed, though, it was just for the fun of it. I don't think I screamed through the rest of the movie, but I had jumped when the scary-looking, gray ghost suddenly lunged at the girl. I had just started saying that it was gonna show up all of a sudden, and, wow, I was right. So I started laughing and crying at the same time. Yay nervous laughter. But it was an interesting movie. Maybe I'd even watch the sequel. Another part I didn't like about that movie, though, was a little boy (dead of course) was following her down the hall saying, "Have you seen my report card? Have you seen my report card? He's going to be so mad at me." Again, demon children. It's fun being scared every once in awhile, though. That's why I like to watch "Ghost Hunters" where there is "real" ghost hunting. The only thing that bugs me is the sound-effects and music, I suppose. If it wasn't there, the shows and movies couldn't be as scary.
         I was fine for awhile after the movie, but then I became gloomy. It isn't really important about why (like I even remember), but it made me upset. I felt tired, and not sleep-deprived-tired. There are phases I go through where I feel tired of the world, tired of happiness, tired of happy endings, tired of happy people, etc. I felt like I wanted to write a story that wasn't happy at all, full of darkness, no light. That's not the kind of things I'm able to write (thinking I can write at all) and it's not something I could share either. Maybe, in time, if I have to, I will. My mind was lousy at the moment, though. I had finished reading a story with a happy ending, and, when I became upset, I wanted them all to suffer. It wasn't a happy, or good, thought (obviously) and it almost scares me. Almost. I'll just need to watch those thoughts carefully, so they don't get out of hand in the future.
 

Quote: "Where words fail, music speaks." - Hans Christian Andersen
Song: "I Want to Know What Love Is" - Foreigner

         On my 80's song quest last night, I found that song. It was one of the better songs I found, even though they were all pretty good. That song will probably be one of my favorites for awhile, though. I like how it has a kind of choir singing during the chorus (go figure). In my opinion, it's a really good song, even though I'm not sure exactly what the lyrics mean just yet.
         Well, today wasn't too eventful either. Two "thunderstorms", music, reading, and getting my haircut. My mom told me ever since I was little I hated getting my haircut. She said she had to bribe me to sit and get my hair cut. I don't have to be bribed anymore, but it doesn't mean I enjoy it. I'll admit that when I get my hair cut, it feels nice, but it's still a pest. My hair is unruly and can get kind of "poofy" when it's dried. In my opinion, my sister's haircut turned out better than my own. It's to be expected, I guess. Basically, my sister is prettier than I am. There's hardly any resemblance between us, but, for some reason, people still mistake us for twins. She's taller than I am, with darker brown hair and eyes. She has tanned skin while mine is practically white. It doesn't really bother me, yet, that she's prettier, but someday in the future it might.
         Whatever. The future is the future. Whatever happens until then is all that really matters, I guess. Until then, I'm not sure I'll worry about it, when ever "then" is.
 

Quote: "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." - Ephesians 6:4, "The Holy Bible"
Song: "Toy Soldiers" by Martika

         Well, the closest I'm getting to celebrating Father's Day for my journal is that quote (which I heard in church today). So, yay or congrats or whatever to all the fathers out there. Yeah, I have no clue what the exact meaning is to Father's Day is yet, besides the respect your supposed to give him, so I don't know what term to use ("yay" or "congrats"). Oh well. Also, I've decided that today is an 80's music day for me, or simply just old rock and pop songs. Yay Martika. It's a really good song and I liked it a lot. The only thing that I thought was a little weird (even though it made the song sound even better) was where the little kids started singing. ♫ Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down like Toy Soldiers. ♫ They sound like demon kids (in my opinion). It's the kind of sing-songy voice you'd hear in horror movies. Kids sing "Ring-Around-the-Rosey" and "Lizzy Borden", but they have no clue what they're saying. Those are the worst songs to sing.
         "Ring around the rosey, pocket full of posey. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down." I can kind of picture the kids dancing around a little kid and singing that, just because he was dying. Sure, the children don't understand that the little kid is rotting, or decaying, or whatever the disease does, but it's a terrible song when you think about it.
         The same thing with Lizzy Borden. "Lizzy Borden took an axe, gave her mother forty wacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." It's twisted and sadistic. It might be fun to say, but it's kind of weird when you go into a school yard, watch a few kids doing jump-rope, and hearing them sing that song. It's like they're laughing at the thought of murder, which in my opinion, isn't all that funny. Maybe when they grow up they'll get dared to go sing that song in Lizzy Borden's house. Then, maybe, they can see if it's actually haunted by taunting the ghost (if it's there).
 

Quote: "When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them, they show us the state of our decay." - Brian W. Aldiss
Song: "Let Them Be Little" by Billy Dean

         Ok, a warning about the song (because I hear so many people complain about that kind of thing when I was at school) is that it's country. "Oh, eewww! How can you listen to that junk?!" I've heard some people say. One reason is that my uncle used to listen to country all the time, and I was around him a lot. Second reason is that country music, however twangy or mopey, it usually has a good message, but of course there are exceptions (thanks to Cledus T. Judd and his humor). Third reason is that I live in a "hick town", or at least that's what people would call it. It's actually just a country, small town, but now it's starting to change a little as "gangster wannabees" start coming around.
         I agree with that song, though. Not because it's all sentimental, but because kids are starting to grow up too fast. It's just my opinion, but sometimes schools seem to be pushing a little too hard. I'm not really trying to complain-- because when you think about it, it kind of makes sense-- but it forces us to grow up quicker than we feel ready to. Whether I'm alone on this opinion or not, it's pretty much how I see and feel about it.
         Another proof to this, though, is that when a kid feels like they've outgrown something, they think it gives them the right to pick on another child that is still connected to that same something. I was always the slowest to grow up in my class. People were excited about Pokemon, Digimon, Bionicles, and all that (at least for the guys; I never really paid much attention to what the girls were interested in) and when I finally noticed what they were interested in, it was going through the final phase. When I started to pay attention to the shows or toys, I was a little too late, even though I was genuinely interested in some of it instead of following the crowd. I never got picked on for it, though, because I kept my mouth shut half the time, and listened instead. A few years ago, there was a kid that was still insterested in Pokemon, and I happened to overhear him talking about it and then getting bullied by some of the kids who "outgrew it". I thought it was kind of silly. Wow, they changed a whole lot! They moved on from Pokemon to Magic cards! They thought they were above it when they only went on to a different card game.
         I had been thinking about this only an hour or so ago, while I was learning to draw something. There is one thing, I suppose, that either kids or girls of any age can enjoy: Neopets. It's a childish thing, in many eyes, but the cartoons impress me. I could never really cartoon or doodle, and I was sort of envious of the drawings. I'm probably concerned with what people think or how they react more than I should. So I couldn't help but think of how someone would respond to seeing me looking through the website. I had assumed they would laugh or tease, but I wasn't sure if I would care or not. Oh well, it's not going to stop me from trying to sketch out the creatures.
 

Quote: "Words, when well chosen, have so great a force in them, that a description often gives us more lively ideas than the sight of things themselves." - Joseph Addison
Song: "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton

         Well, I finally forgot to write an entry. In my line of view, I still think it's the 13th, but the rest of the world beg to differ. So, know I'm writing this at midnight on June 14th. I suppose that was my only bad luck for Friday the 13th: Forgetting to write a blog entry. For all the bad things that have happened to me-- luck or no luck-- I don't really mind forgetting something as simple as this.
         Well, I mostly lost track of time today because I was busy researching, downloading a safety thing for my computer which I am still sure will crash one of these days, listening to music (like every other day), and trying to write something. I'm trying to get my inspiration for writing back, and it's being a pain, but I'm getting there. Hopefully, I'll be able to consider my writing good enough to keep on doing it.
         Also, another thing I forgot-- seems like that's been happening a lot more than usual today-- is that I remembered to practice the piano. The song for today, "A Thousand Miles", was one of the songs I was determined to play on the piano. I want to be able to play that song without hardly any mistakes, and I nearly did that today. If you can read sheet music, then you can see how hard it looks. The whole thing is tricky, but I think I've nearly got it. Yay. Along with that song, I played "Walking in Memphis" decently. Today was a special music day because I got my mom to play the piano for me, and although she wouldn't play "Thriller" or a few of the other tricky songs I put in front of her, we had a fun time singing to the music. It was a nice day today. I hope the rest of the summer can be this fun.
 

Quote: "The Godfather answers all of life's questions. What should I pack for my summer vacation? 'Leave the gun, take the cannoli.'" - Joe Fox from "You've Got Mail"
Song: "So Far Away" by Stained

         Nothing too important happened today. No swimming, no sunburns, no log climbing, practically nothing. I spent most, if not all, of my time indoors. I played a few games with my mom and listened to music. I had planned to read, but...I couldn't find any interest in staring at words for any length of time.
         Reading has become steadily harder for me. It's not that I can't read, but I'm starting to lose interest in it. I can't be sure why, exactly, but I know it's not something I'm proud of. Most of my interests have been becoming...dull or difficult. I'm still having a hard time bringing myself to write. I used to write all the time, especially when I was bored. Nowadays, I can't bring myself to write, or when I do, it's over a pretty short timespan. I used to carry around two to three notebooks to write in, but just yesterday I had to dig out one; I've pretty much packed them away under a pile of books. It's pretty pathetic, in my opinion, that I've started to lose interest in one of my favorite hobbies-- or what used to be my favorite hobby. I feel a need to write, but nothing comes to mind anymore.
         Maybe I'm having a hard time thinking, or at least that's a theory. I think I've played piano for...three-six years (I haven't kept track, so I'm not sure) and I've noticed that I've been having trouble reading the sheet music. That's not a good sign, whatever it means. I have also noticed that I can't keep my mind on one thing, or at least certain things, for a long period of time. I never had trouble with that before. I can't read, unless I'm in a specific mindset or mood, because I get bored too quickly. I'm unable to write because of boredom or lack of inspiration or even ability. Drawing is pretty much the same problem, but that isn't really news to me. Music seems to be the only thing that keeps me from boredom, and even that isn't enough at times. Sometimes, because of my mind, I'm stuck with my boredom. I think they're probably phases, though, because it feels as if nothing can interest me. Maybe I'll get bored of boredom and it will end.