I was just thinking again today--a dangerous thing for me. Or, maybe it's more dangerous for other people. I'm sure if I was able to voice my...thoughts and concerns out loud, people would be in danger of dying from boredom, even if I had a good point. I'm not good with words and explaining things is even harder for me so instead of understanding my feelings, people may be more bored than anything.
         Maybe it's obvious to other people, but I just realized it: When I start seriously thinking, I usually get in some kind of upset mood. There were a few times where I was in a good mood and I started to think, but I refused to become depressed. I should probably do that more often, but I think I was meant to be a...depressed kind of person. It's weird, but I feel almost comfortable when I'm in a serious mood, kind of depressed. The only time it gets uncomfortable for me is when I get sadder.
         Maybe there's something wrong with my brain. Whenever I'm in a serious mood and frown or glare at people, refuse to laugh at jokes, and so on, I make other people suffer as well. Then when they apologize or ask what's wrong, I feel like telling them to shut up and leave me alone. Maybe my twisted brain likes knowing it has the power to do that, make people as upset as I am. That's probably some form of melodrama right there. I don't like melodrama, but I'm full of it. Melodrama is plain annoying to me. When I hear myself being dramatic, I get annoyed because I know it's probably an overreaction. There are different types of overreacting, I guess, but one of them, for me, is just a way to put drama in your life. Being dramatic sort of gives you a sense of importance too, and when I feel that way, I get uncomfortable.
         This may be another weird thing to say, but I don't think I like feeling important. I'm not sure what it is, depression or whatever, but at the moment, I don't mind the idea of being one person out of six billion. Of course, there are times I feel differently, but right now I could be the smallest, most trivial person in the universe, and I doubt I would care. Not only that, but maybe I'd prefer it. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow, it could be I'm only feeling that way now because I'm tired. Who knows? Not me, that's for sure. Anyway, Gettysburg is tomorrow. I wonder how many ghosts I'll find...
 

Song: "How" by Lisa Loeb

         Yesterday, but still "today" for me, was interesting I guess. My sister had a friend over. There was a lot of..."girly" things going on. I don't enjoy girly things usually, but it's hard not getting caught up in some of it. I ended up getting my nails painted. Laugh all you want, maybe it is funny. So many people think teenage girls love getting their nails painted. I don't, because it's unnatural, but it was something new. I hadn't had my nails painted in years, but this paint wasn't the sparkly, "tickle me pink" color. It was sparkly, but it wasn't, in any way, pink. The polish was actually black with red sparkles. I was told it was called "Black Rouge", "Black Rogue" if you're dislexic like I tend to be at times. The name "Black Rogue" looks a whole lot better than "Black Rouge", though, in my opinion. It's a new color for me, but I was told it looked "good on me", by my sister. I guess, if you're a fashion...person, it went well with my outfit. Fashion bores me, though. "If you don't have fashion, you actually do, but if you do have fashion, then you actually don't." That was my sister's friend's crazy saying. What I think she was trying to say, though, was meant more for uniqueness and trends, that if you don't have a fashion, you do and it makes you unique while everyone else that goes by the same...fashion, they're plain and common. I hope that makes sense.
         Well, enough about that. Fashion is the lowest thing on my "priority list". "I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal." is sort of like my motto. All that other fancy stuff can just sit on a clothes rack. The song "How" was in the movie Twister that we watched. I love that movie, but I'm just crazy. I love that song, too, among a few other songs that were on the movie, like "Humans Being" by Van Halen. "How" sort of made me sad later on, though. It's a sad song, to me and some other people, even though I'm not sure what the message means. It sort of put me in a bad mood, and possibly made me realize some things.
         I can't be sure, exactly, but I may be a sexist, or...sort of untrusting person. Either way, it's not a good thing. It may not be any of those things, though. Maybe I was just getting in another mood. I was just listening and scanning over some stuff when I got sort of upset. I guess I realized how much trouble I start to have in trusting people, mostly guys. It's difficult to explain, though, because some words I'm uncomfortable with saying....It's almost silly being uncomfortable with wordsn, but what can I say? I'm a child at heart, sue me.
         I'm going to try and put the uncomfortable part behind me for the moment. So, anyone who happen to stumble upon this entry who are sensitive to certain words, or can be offended easily, you should probably skip this part. Seriously, I mean no offense, and making people uncomfortable isn't something I want to do unless I'm feeling evil enough to do so. The sexist, and probably ageist...thing that seems to bother me is how much teenagers and guys are so eager for sex. I added the teenager thing mostly because there are girls I know who are just as bad as the guys, and sorry guys if that stung a little. I can't help but feel that's true, though, for almost any guy, of any species. I haven't seen girl animals going around humping random objects, "excuse my language". Perhaps it happens, but I don't look for that kind of thing, though I've heard of male house-pets doing that a lot.
         "But they're animals, they don't know any better-- You're comparing me to a senseless animal now?!" Maybe, maybe not. I think people have a lot in common with animals, well, sort of. Everyone is different, or so I've heard. What I was saying, though, was that the whole sex thing makes it hard for me to be around, or trust, guys. My one guy-friend in school, not to mention the girl who was practically just like him, had a great time shooting off inuendos and making dirty jokes. Not even after I slapped, cursed, and yelled at him about "Little ears" being around did he stop. It was like "trying to stop the wind from howling." It wasn't even that one guy that did it, but he was the only guy I really hung around with. If I listened, guys all over the school were making the same jokes and talking excitedly about the same thing...Knowing this, wouldn't it be kind of difficult to expect a..."serious relationship" with someone like that? I'm not sure if that's complaining, or if someone would blame the girly-ness in me, but...that kind of thing bugs me nowadays as well. The world's changed so much that most of the people only care about the sex in a relationship. I've been wanting to see something different for once, I didn't want to see terrible relationships or divorces anymore. Couldn't there be at least one happy marriage or couple out there? I even have a hard time laughing about the jokes people make about that, it just isn't funny to me anymore. "Fool's Gold", or whatever the movie title was, joked about relationships only being about the sex, and it wasn't funny to me. There's a part of me that thinks, "Oh, so it's funny about what it's come down to? You can't find someone you actually like for more than their body? That's what you're laughing about?"
         I'm pretty sure I'm wrong for thinking guys are the worst when it comes to that kind of thing. It's hard for me to think otherwise, though, especially--get ready to hear me use my past as an excuse--since I've seen it so many times. I don't know if I can blame it solely on my step-dad, but that's probably the strongest excuse I have. It's difficult trusting...guys after that. A couple times, I couldn't even trust my uncle or grandpa, and they are the most respectable and closest guys I may know, in my opinion. Sadly, my imagination played the bad-guy in most of it; it got carried away again. When you're uncle asks you to come to him alone and your mind flashes back to the past, it gets tricky. There were a few times like that, where my uncle asked me to go to him and I thought of when my step-dad asked the same thing without explanation about what he wanted, and I was almost ready to sock him. Hitting my uncle is shameful thinking for me, after all the good things he's done for me, but those brief flashbacks sort of messed with my head.
         My councellor called it before I even noticed it. She said I'd have a difficult time finding a guy I could trust when I grew up. Maybe she's right, I'm pretty sure she's right, but I think I'll have to grow out of it. You can't make it through life without trust. I've always been gullible, which is a trust issue, but, as sad as it might sound, I may never let my guard down around guys, even if that shouldn't be a worry for me. Well...I guess I have my whole life ahead of me to figure it out, however long that will be. After all, "you never know how long you have."
 

Song: "Stand" by Rascal Flatts

         I suppose that song has an interesting message. It talks about getting up after you get knocked down, or how the hard things you go through in life help you build character...It's a good way to think of things, I suppose. Whether it mentions it or not, I'm not sure, but sometimes when you get knocked down, you don't want to get back up. What would be the point? If you're going through a rough time and you don't know if you'll get through it, is there even a point in trying? The world isn't suddenly going to become a happy place just because you overcome something difficult. Maybe it's the unhappiness in the world that you're trying to overcome. Then what would be at the end? Probably nothing. It's pretty much an impossible task, I think. You could pretend to overcome it, pretend that everything is okay, but it doesn't make it so.
         Whether or not you can tell, I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I don't know why. Maybe I was feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, but I can't be sure, exactly, what that feels like. I just know I was very much dreading the future: School. There were other things upsetting me, but they weren't very important. I don't know why I hate school so much, I just do. A couple times I thought about being homeschooled, but it never happened, and my uncle wouldn't allow it. I tried to explain how much I hate public school and why I thought homeschooling would be better, but it didn't work, I didn't have enough excuses. He said that school was going to help you with people in the future, like tolerating jerks and bullies, stupid teachers and so on. I don't know if this is a good plan or not, but I feel like it's tearing me up inside.
         I haven't dreaded school this much since eighth grade. Not long ago we got our class schedules for school. I already knew there would be a change, but I guess the weight of it only just hit me. My favorite English teacher left our school, so now there is a stupid replacement, and I have her two times a day. My History classes are in the morning, and side by side. Why I have it twice, I have no idea. The rest of the classes are just as bad, and not only that, but my homeroom was changed as well. Instead of a teacher willing to help with teenager problems, I have a teacher that would make snide remarks faster than comforting tips. Being comforted, by a teacher or besides, sounds almost silly, even stupid, to me, but I'd rather be comforted than put down.
         These are all just stupid thoughts, really, just silly problems, especially in the eyes of an adult. Everyone pretty much knows what they'd say, or think. "I didn't like high school either, but I still got through it fine, you will too" or some other sentence putting themselves in your place, trying to make you feel worse knowing that they think they understand what you're going through. I don't know what I'd want to hear, but it just ticks me off when an adult tells you about how hard they had it when they grew up, but how they got through it. "I used to walk uphill for school, rain or snow, everyday growing up." Yeah? Good for you, but I'm me, no one else. Just because you went through something, succeeded, and went on, doesn't mean I can simply do the same. Thanks for your "wisdom" and "help".
 

I'm not going to bother making this look special today. I just feel like I need to write this down. I'm going through some weird mood changes today, or at least I was. I'm too tired to go through much more today. A few hours ago, I've been going through rage, indifference, and sadness. I really don't know how to describe it, and the words I choose won't seem good enough. I'll look back later, after I've spilled all my thoughts out on this entry, and feel like it could have been better, that I could have found a better way to word it. Frankly, I don't care at the moment. If I'm a less-than-decent writer, then it's the readers who will suffer, not I.
         Right now, I just sunk back into indifference, so describing this just became a whole new level of hard. When I feel indifferent, my mind seems to stop and everything seems blank. I don't seem to grasp things as quickly and I feel numb. I could be angry one moment, enough to break, smash, or throw something, but when I become indifferent, I forget why I felt that way, or did what I did.
         When I'm angry, I become self-centered and short-tempered. I feel as if I could lash out at someone for a mere comment or a nasty look they give me. I doubt I'd want to knock their lights out if I was in my right mind. Sometimes when I'm in a rage, I do nothing. I even try to surpress it, bottle it up. I've heard a dozen times that it's not a good idea, but do they think I actually care? I think I've heard from a song, or something, about "Screaming on the inside, crying on the out." I can't place it, but I understand what they mean perfectly. That happened a couple times today. I felt like I couldn't speak, or else I'd start screaming. Then I got so angry, tears came to my eyes, but of course, they wouldn't fall. As soon as I noticed them there, they dried right up.
         Along with the silent screaming, I couldn't help but shout at myself. "Why?!" I told myself. "Why are you so stupid? You're one person. One, simple, insignificant person! Drop the sadness, stop the anger, get over it. You're not worth it. There's other people to think about. Stop being so selfish! Can't you see they don't care? Who cares if they don't know who you are? You don't know yourself! Let it go already!" No matter who thinks they know me or not, whether they disagree with her-- my words, there's always truth to them. Truth can't be denied, not for long anyway. And there's your quote, if you want it.
 

Quote: "Angel, ha! She's a female! And all females is poison! They're full of wicked wiles!" - Grumpy from "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"
Song: "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion

         Grumpy sure does have a way with words. A bit, I don't know, stereotypical? I guess there's at least a few girls full of "wicked wiles" out there somewhere, whatever they are...
         Well, I found that song today as well. Celine Dion has a pretty voice, I think. Her music is nice, too, sort of like younger Madonna. It's a nice song, and I found it on youtube while looking at Lion King stuff. While I had been looking through different songs and, later on, Disney videos, I remembered how easy tears can be triggered for those things, for me.
         I wouldn't call myself an emotional kind of person. My emotions are kind of limited, in my opinion: sadness, anger, happiness. There are days that are exceptional, though. I don't cry a lot, though lately I've felt the need to.
         These days, I rarely cry, but when I do, it's usually for silly reasons. Sometimes I suddenly cry when listening to music, or watching a Disney movie, for goodness sakes. Usually, when listening to music, it's for good reason. The song is probably sad or put to upsetting lyrics when I cry. Disney movies, even though they have sad moments, make me upset for odd reasons. I don't cry at the sad times. It's not really crying, either, tears just come to my eyes when I'm watching a part in the movie when beautiful music comes on and I, subconsciously, start to reminisce. I don't know why it brings tears to my eyes, but I guess I start to wish I could go back to the days where I was younger and happier. It's still a mystery to me.
         Maybe, it's because in the past my days seemed more full, busy, and happy. These days seem...darker and boring, to me. Perhaps, when I get out of high school-- supposedly the best years of your life-- and go to college or whatever, I'll be able to make memories better than my past, so I won't have to look back and get all teary. Of course, if music is the only problem causing my sadness, well, I'll just have to deal with it. I can't do away with my tears all together. I've been accused too many times already for being apathetic and holding in my emotions too much to get rid of the crying forever. Maybe I'll get better reasons to cry, though, in the future. We'll see.
 

Quote: "If you aren't part of the answer, you're part of the problem."
Song: "Ghost Love Score" by Nightwish

I know I haven't written an entry in a long while, but it doesn't bother me in the least. My days have been kind of dull, I guess, and I didn't have the energy to go back and search for something to write down or relive.
         I decided to write an entry today, just because I was listening to the song "Ghost Love Score" for the...twentieth time. When I first heard it, I really liked the beginning. My opinion on it was ruined after she started singing. It was horrible, to me. Her voice was terrible when it started, but as it got to the chorus (on my third time trying to listen to the song), it got slightly better. I couldn't take the singing, though, and by the...fifth try (maybe) I got to hear half of the song. It took me a lot of tries to actual listen to the whole thing and rate it as "worth listening to" (a 3 on my scale). After awhile, I got used to it and made it a 4 (the beginning stunk no less and the length of the song could get annoying. 9 minutes is more than enough.)
         Today I decided to find out what in the world they were saying. The people are a...Finnish band, I think, and they have a heavy accent. It takes awhile to understand what's being said, so I decided to look it up on the internet. Among the lyrics on one of the websites was people's opinion on what they meant. Apparently, the song is about someone willing to sacrifice everything for the one they love, only to be betrayed. Obviously, not one of the happiest songs, but I'm drawn to creepy and sad songs. I'm a magnet for those things, I guess.
 

Quote: "Fear paralyzes; curiosity empowers. Be more interested than afraid." - Patricia Alexander
Song: "Cry with a Smile" by After Forever

         I found that song on accident today. I had finished practicing the piano and I had found the sheet music for a song I heard from Romeo and Juliet: "A Time for Us". I had been looking for the song to listen to on youtube (no surprise there), and I ended up finding that song, somehow. With the song, however, I found a new Japanese cartoon. It was called Romeo x Juliet. The cartoon was...interesting. Of course, it wouldn't go by the actual story. It had a lot of changes, but it was fun to watch. Reading the subtitles was a little tiring since my focus is usually on the drawing style. I wanted to watch the emotions and how the characters portray them rather than read. Oh well, I had to know what they were saying.
         I learned today that my uncle might be planning to take us to Gettysburg, if his plans work out. I think he said we would be going during the night, so maybe we can see ghosts. My cousin, Liz, went during the night before, but I don't know if she saw any ghosts. I'll have to ask her when I see her again. It should be an interesting experience, if we get to go. I wouldn't mind seeing the paranormal, somewhere besides my house.
 

Quote: "If you can't return a favor, pass it on." - Louise Brown
Song: "Get Out Alive" by Three Days Grace

         I found that song this afternoon, along with "Evil Angel" by Breaking Benjamin. They're both good songs, but I particularly like Three Days Grace music. I suppose I just have an odd taste in music, but that doesn't bother me.
         I forced myself to read another two chapters today. The one chapter I read wasn't the happiest. Someone died, a character that was finally put to the test, and he was killed. It was upsetting, for me. The book went from bad to worse, it was written well, but it seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. Writing stories like that can be fun, but reading them can be almost overwhelming.
 

Quote: "The good die young."
Song: "In the End" by Linkin Park

         Well, I don't remember much about today. I went for a walk with my mom. In a way, we planned out the rest of the summer. The rest of the day wasn't too important. I thought a lot, which isn't exactly a good thing. The world is stupid in many ways, in my opinion, and I'll leave it at that. Maybe another day, when I'm feeling bold. I also wondered a little about how I'm going to answer questions that the counselor will ask me. It's hard finding easy answers to a question, I don't know how I'll answer personal questions. I'm sure most of them will have to do with my step-dad. Oh, how fun it will be. Stupid world, stupid people, stupid evil.
 

Quote: "We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon." - Konrad Adenauer
Song: "Amaranth" - Nightwish

         I found out a few new things about the band Nightwish. First, was that they were a Finnish Rock/Gothic Rock band. Second, was that they have a new singer now. She's the girl who sings "Amaranth", from their new CD. The other girl sang songs including "Planet Hell", "Wish I Had an Angel", and "Sleeping Sun". They're both good singers, but the new girl doesn't sound like an opera singer.
         Church was ok, I guess. It was a little longer, though, since they had a meeting. I listened to music and typed on the computer. It was boring, but I got through it alive. The rest of the day was kind of boring, like my former days. One of these days I'm going to change all of that. I'm sick and tired of doing nothing. I'll go sky-diving from my roof if I have to. I'll save that for a last resort, though. I guess I should start out by swimming, again, or riding my bike to no place in particular. Maybe I'll just get lost and I can find something better to do then. It sounds like fun, maybe I should try it out.
         One thing that really annoys me, at the moment, is stupid eyelashes. They might keep out dust or other crap, but what keeps the eyelashes from falling in your eye? It's stupid! I don't live in the frickin' desert, I don't think a lot of dust is going to get in my eyes. I hate eyelashes.
         There was something that happened later last night. Of course, I'd rather back track a little, I suppose, because it can be easier than thinking about what happend in one day. That might make no sense, but I'm not the one reading. Last night I found a nice picture of a glade in Ireland. Before then, I forgot all about glades and whatnot. It was pretty, and green. I also learned that "ire" means anger. So Ireland means Angerland. Hmm. Sort of takes some of the beauty out of it all. I still favor it more than Scotland, though, I have no idea why, but I do.