Last night Jay told me to call him when I got up and at em’ in the morning and that we would go out to breakfast. I called him about 9am. He said he was fixing to call me and tell me to get my dead butt out of bed. He gets up at dawn break every morning. He says give him 20 minutes and we’ll go have coffee. So then he calls back and says that he needed to take care of this and that and wasn’t available for breakfast, that we would do lunch. Then he calls back and says he wasn’t available for lunch for he had to do this or that. At least I know the man ain’t trying to 13th step me! ( 13th step means trying to find a lover in AA instead of sobriety) There is no real 13th step. Just a phrase.

I was glad the plans didn’t work out cause I needed to get ready for my interview. Had some ironing to do, hair takes a while and yes… Nada I have completed 800 hours in cosmetology course, last I knew it takes 1500 hours for completion and the state exam. I ended up quitting school because I was working full time and also had a husband and a three bedroom home to take care of. Plus a couple of addictions that consumed much of my time. I’m not much into service oriented jobs. I would be and have been a horrible waitress… Get it your damn self… I can’t stand the smell of food to be on my hair and clothes. I really wasn’t all that good at fixing other peoples hair. I’m a perfectionist and never could get it perfect, thus drove myself batty. I most assuredly don’t want to do anything in the medical field either. Hate it. Mom is a nurse and I knew I didn’t want to be in nursing, but when I took this last job caring for the mentally challenged, I learned I don’t wont anything that even resembles caretaking or nursing. One of my first jobs I was a nurses aid. That lasted two weeks. I hated it…

I went to my job interview with the City today. There were FIVE people around a conference table. Three men and two women. They were nice but they sure interrogated my ass. I think I answered their questions well. I wasn’t to terribly nervous but it was nerve wrecking. They had on their little fire man uniforms. Oh, this was a position as the Senior Administrative Assistant with the Fire Department, btw. I don’t know…. Can’t tell ya if they liked me or not, but hell I’m damn likable, I don’t see why not! Hahaha I left there with tears streaming down my face. It was just so nerve wrecking and I really felt so inadequate, though I am qualified for the job. They were just digging into my past and you know my past isn’t the best. So I lied my ass off! I’m not good at bullshitting much, but I gave it my best shot. How many days of work have you missed in the last year? TWO. And I’m either on time or early… NEVER late. I must repent tonight.

Didn’t help much that it’s the crazy part of the month for me, and when that torture was over I just bawled like a baby. I went over to Leslie’s house. She was in her bathroom putting on her makeup and I sat on the her toilet and cried. I was REALLY on a pity pot. It’s just my hormones. I really think the interview went well. I just want the job pretty bad and it’s a tough one to get. But it’s over now and out of my hands.

So then girl from last night calls me again, I think she wanted me to babysit for her while she goes to the meeting. Huh? No… believe me girl, I need my meeting. We will just take the baby with us. She said she would call a friend that she was pretty sure would babysit and then drop her off. Said she would call me back and didn’t. My sponsor doesn’t want me going to pick her up alone anymore. She is smoking weed and taking pills, TWO of my most favorite escapes. So… I just let it go. She didn’t call me back like she said, didn’t show up for the meeting… and I haven’t called her either. Maybe I will when I feel better.

This other lady that asked Leslie to sponsor her, today just went off the deep end. She was being so ugly to Leslie and Leslie is very soft and sweet. It bothered me and I snapped at that woman. Told her she needed to lighten up on Leslie, something like that. Not sure… Then she tells me, bitch I’ll knock your ass out. Then I stood up and told her to come on with it. Not sure, I totally reacted without reasoning. I think I told her old ass to give it her best shot. Something to that effect. She stormed off calling me and Leslie bitches and ranting and raving. I wanted to follow her and beat her head into the wall. But I didn’t.

Poor Leslie… just trying to help someone. This lady got into a fight with her daughter in law. DIL kicked her out and now she has no where to live. She wanted to ask me if she could stay at my home. Leslie told her no, that as my sponsor, she strongly suggested that I not allow anyone to stay in my home especially when I’ve got so much going on right now in my own life. Leslie was just saving me from having to tell her no. I don’t do room mates and Leslie knows it. So this lady was just pissed from the start. Just so very ugly to someone that was trying hard to be a friend to her. She’s fucking psycho.

Leslie just called to see if I’m ok. I’m fine! I just feel a little bad because I was really ready and willing to brawl with this woman. It’s just the wrong day to be talking shit to me or someone I love… damnit!

Ok, I’m better now… maybe

This morning I knew something wasn’t quite right with me but I didn’t know what. I lazed in the bed till about noon. The blemishes on my face gave it away. Just when you think the world is coming to an end… Ohhhhhhh That! Explains it. One of my morning meditations spoke of one sided relationships. Here’s a piece of it:

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn’t have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate. To compensate for the other person’s unavailability, we worked too hard. We eventually grow tired, usually so extremely tired that we just don’t care at all anymore. We are left feeling worn out, needy and angry. Since our needs are not being met, we also feel victimized. ~ The Language of Letting go, Melody Beattie

This is exactly the type of relationship I had with my father. It also is exactly how it ended. I stopped caring. I didn’t stop caring about him. I exhausted myself trying to build a relationship with him. Eventually I grew extremely tired. I stopped desiring a relationship with him at all. I’ve recently recognized that self defeating relationships with people, who can not or will not participate, is something I’m accustomed too. It’s human nature to be attracted to familiarity. Though I do not like it, and usually don’t even like the person. I am unconsciously drawn to that certain “emotional unavailability” in people. I’ve written before about my obsessions. I didn’t know that’s what they were until I began recovery. Even after recovery, I didn’t know where they stemmed from. Today… I’m getting a better understanding.

An obsession is almost like a resentment. You run it threw your mind over and over again. I thought my obsessions were with men. I’ve realized lately that it’s not always men, though mostly…but not always. It’s also women. I felt that same obsessive pattern with my old boss lady. What’s the common denominator? She was emotionally unavailable. I couldn’t connect with her. She was hot or she was cold, but she was never reachable. Same with two other people that I currently find possess my mind at times.

What’s the solution? Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe just knowing the truth. Recognizing unhealthy behaviors and denying their leadership. This morning after reading this meditation I felt compelled to call up some people that are reachable.

I called Michael.

Michael is a gay man that gave me his phone number last Saturday night. Said he felt connected to me in some strange way, as if we knew each other in another life (his exact words) and that he wanted to know me. I thanked him for his number, took a mental note to be sure and call him cause approaching a stranger like that isn‘t easy. He has been heavy on my heart. He’s a beautician. A kind and lovely man, obviously gay and so good hearted that it’s brimming through his eyes. I only intended it to be a short conversation, I missed you at the candle light meeting and wanted you to know it. He didn’t let it stop at that. The conversation was so much more. He inspired me beyond words. He wanted to know about me, what’s going on in my life. What are my dreams? I told him about wanting to be a drug and alcohol counselor, an inspirational teacher, a spiritual writer. It’s like he screwed off my head and poured gallons of confidence in me. He told me that when he first saw me, he saw all of the above in me. That I had a visual sincerity about me. That I’m approachable. Said I glowed… just all kinds of stuff he just poured out at me. I was so inspired by his words. We talked for a while, agreed to have lunch sometime and said good bye. It’s like he planted a seed of confidence in me. Faith in myself, perhaps. One that would later in the day be utilized.

I felt so unqualified to take the 12 step call this afternoon. I didn’t plan on being there. At the last minute I changed my course of action. Instead of making a stop at the store, I showed up early to help Kenneth vacuum, sweep and mop our clubroom, like he does every Sunday. It was strong in my spirit to tell Kenneth how when I look at him, I see an espy of the Almighty. We were cleaning and talking when the club house phone rang. I answered it in my secretarial tone, was nice to get to use that again… been a while.

The woman spoke through her tears, saying she needed help. She wanted to come to a meeting but had no car and had her two year old child with her. She lived right down the street from me. I passed her apartments just minutes earlier on my way to the club. I told her I’d come and get her and the child could come to the meeting to. I knew that getting her to a meeting was the important thing. I’d learned this from watching my sponsors. After I picked her up, I recognized her stoned eyes, not her but the high. She had been using, it was obvious. She started talking and asking questions. I didn’t have the answers. I didn’t know what to say to her. I kept silently requesting God’s help but felt it wasn’t coming. The answers weren’t there. In our one to one conversation, I didn’t want to bring up God because I didn’t want it to sound like I was preaching at her. I didn’t want to tell her she must admit she is powerless and that her life is unmanageable, that’s absurd thinking for someone that doesn’t know the program. I kept looking around for my girlfriends. For someone more adequate for this job. I kept hoping Leslie, Kathy, SHEREE for Pete’s sake would show up to help this girl. Not a one of them showed up for today’s meeting. On the back burner of my mind, I remembered what Michael told me this morning that my sincerity and caring nature can be recognized even to strangers. During the meeting, those that spoke brought up God more times than I could count. I was certain that she heard the answer. After the meeting she started crying and saying that she’s heard all this stuff before and it just won’t work for her. It came to me suddenly… I wasn’t destined to be there with her to give answers. I was there to care. The answers will come from inside of her when she’s willing and/or capable of hearing them.

This was a huge experience for me. Totally got me out of self for a few hours. Also reminded me of where I come from. I remember being exactly where she is right now. I didn’t need anyone to blurt out answers to me. I just needed someone to love me. Maybe I wasn’t as unqualified for this job as I previously thought.

Cowboy Jay wants to take me to breakfast in the morning. I guess I better go to bed if I intend on being up for breakfast time! I saw that very quality in Cowboy Jay that I spoke about earlier. The emotionally unavailability, it is what unconsciously attracted me to him. As I’m getting to know him, I see that his recovery is changing that self defeating characteristic and THAT is way more enticing.

First thing when I opened my eyes this morning, remembered I have the interview with the City on Monday. Thanked God for it. You are absolutely right bugzy is baaaccck!! . I have been trying to get on with the City for some time now. Amazes me that you stick with me like you do and remember this stuff.

Well, then that beastly little voice that lives in my head whispered, You never made it to work on time at the food bank and you think you’re good enough to work for the CITY? And what about all those smoke breaks? You think the CITY is going to tolerate you? I felt a gush of inferiority and came close to letting it consume me. The idea of just going back to bed flashed through my mind. Play Ostrich, bury my head and escape from life. Then I recalled… what I’ve been feeding myself for the last week. Replace fear with faith… I talked back to my own head! I reminded myself that the past is gone. I’m not who I was yesterday. I’m making better choices today. I’m reborn! So I started the coffee, went back in the bedroom, made the bed and hit the floor next to it with my knees. Since I rearranged my room, the carpet that is now exposed is much more squishy since it’s been sheltered by the bed for years now. How divine! It’s like I’m kneeling on a cloud. Gosh I’m favored.

But I didn’t FEEL like that when I woke up. I had to push myself. I had to do what I know makes my day start off pleasantly. I had to exercise those faith muscles. Had to take a leap and trust that my efforts would bring fruitfulness. Because what I really wanted to do, as I said earlier… I just wanted to sit on the pity pot and cry poor pitiful me. It’s all dad’s fault. Or mom’s… or that man’s… Woe is me!

But I turned on my spiritual relaxation meditation CD that I do every morning. Well, for the last week . I lit a cherry incense like I have every morning for the last week. To me it represents my prayers being a pleasing aroma for the King of Kings. Then I dove nose first into my hope books. Guess what? It worked. The Universes Life Force came through for me. Without a doubt…

The world shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anaiis Nin

I almost let my fears hold me back and down. Had I kept listening to that damnable inner songstress, It’d been parallel to climbing into a casket with the lid tightly affixed. Blocking the sunlight of the spirit and asphyxiating the breathe of life. Daily meditation and prayer allow me to be open enough to receive all that God has to offer. To turn fears into ladders. To accept life on life’s terms. To believe and be assured that this journey will be as HE wants it to be, if I stick with Him. Whatever He has in mind has got to be the best alternative. Rather it’s working at the City or flippin’ burgers at Burger World.

* Screams in horror *
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

That’s another fear right there! But you know it may just be what He orders. Hope not… for real though, for a girl with an inferiority complex I also got a big o’ ego. Well today... I went to sister sponsor’s home for a big book study from 10-2. I then rushed over to the nail salon to get a fill. They got me in and out in less than 30 minutes! How cool is that?! Bolted over to the Avis Lupe. They got me in and out in less than 20 minutes! Even cooler! And it was free! Since they messed up my windshield wipers last time. Then I hurried over to the grocery store, in and out in less that 30 minutes. It’s really been a peaceful easy going day. I’m very content this very moment.

Mom picked up my checks from the last job I just quit. I’m so thankful she picked them up for me cause I did not want to see the clients. (For those that may not know, I worked with mentally retarded individuals for a short while, couldn't hang with it. It takes special people to work with those with special needs.) Mom said they came running out to her and surrounded her wanting to visit. I knew it… I dreaded having to see them and explain why I quit. In their minds… didn’t want to be around them. I’m so very thankful Mom took that burden from my shoulders.

I must toodle away. I’m going to hang with some friends this evening, make a candle light meeting. My MOST favorite meeting of the week. Very intimate and relaxing.

My pet has me flustered. It never fails when I sit down at night to write and wind myself down from the days events. Here she comes, there she goes… There she goes again… Springs into my lap, lays atop the keyboard, bites on my arms, attacks my fingers, sheds her fuzz all over me. It flies into my nose, my eyes. I can’t breath or see. I cast her down off the desk, brush the flying fur from my face, open my eyes and THERE she is again, magisterially repeating all of the above. Finally… I found the solution. Imprisoned her in the bathroom.

Speaking of frustration… Today I had scheduled to interview with an oilfield company in Midland. As I said before, I have visited with this lady previously, before I accepted my last job. She wants to interview after hours because the girl that she is replacing is still working there. She doesn’t want this girl to know she’s being replaced. Same story four months ago when I first interviewed with her, except this is the new girl that she hired to replace the old girl. I agreed to come back in and visit with her just cause… well cause. Though I really didn’t want to. I was suppose to be there at 5:30. It’s rush hour traffic. The job location is 20 miles away. I was stuck in Midland at a traffic jam for 20 minutes which renders me 10 minutes late for the interview. I get there and she’s gone. Lights are out, business is closed. Not a breathing entity in sight. I was ticked! I say forget that… People like that old hag can’t work with anyone. They find something wrong with all. I didn’t really feel good about going to see her. I don’t like how she does her business. And I really really want to tell her so! But honestly, I think that traffic jam was a God thing. I may have got the job and may have been the poor girl getting unknowingly replaced in three months. Still it got my panties in a wad for a bit, though. It also forced me to miss my meeting. That’s like missing my daily medication, not cool.

But the good news is! I got an interview with the City on Monday! I’m excited! The City has excellent benefits. I know I’m going to find a good job, the one that’s right for me, it’s just a matter of time. Yep! There’s a positive confession and I’m faking it from the bottom of my heart. Speaking those things that be not as if they are. Like the good Lord instructs.

I’m REALLY flustered.

I started feeling guilty and let the cat out of the bathroom. She’s back over here with vengeance now. We’re fixing to have us a tussle! I’m struggling over here to write. Something’s bothering me… what is it? The cat? Yeah… The interview escapade. Yeah… that I slept till 11:00am today? Yeah… I hate sleeping late, it just wastes my day. That I don’t feel good? Yeah… my nose is stuffy, my eyes are watery, I’m cold. That there’s nothing to drink but tap water, in my home? Yeah… that sucks and the coke machine downstairs took my money and didn’t give me a pop. Just a lot of little nuisances. It’s really been a tediously frustrating day. This is just proof that there’s only a daily reprieve based on the daily maintenance of my spiritual condition. It’s a daily thing. And well… some days just suck. I did do one thing perfectly today though. I stayed sober.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about it. I interviewed with this company before I took the auditing job. She had me go in after hours because the girl she was replacing was still working there. This time, she is again having me come in to interview after five because the girl she is replacing is still working there. Is this the same girl or a different one? Not sure that I like the way she does her business, but I don’t know the situation either. I do like the pay. It’s two dollars more an hour than I was paid at Susser. Four dollars more an hour than I was being paid at the food bank. But… Money can’t buy my love! Never again… but I’ll show up for the interview and see what happens from there.

Today I feel like I haven’t really done much. I’m kind of at a stand still. I mean how many places can you apply to in a day? I’m kind of running out of sources here. My sponsor and I agreed that two contacts a day would be good enough. I did make two contacts today but it just doesn’t feel good enough. I faxed a resume and then contacted this lady. That’s two contacts right? Right. right? I mean, I had to dig at the bottom of the barrel to find two prospects that even fit my agenda. I heard someone say today, “Pray for God’s help, but if your feet don’t move, then you won’t get it.“ I felt convicted! I should have done something more today but I honestly don’t know what. I spent most of the day today playing with images. Took some new pics of myself and you know what, I think I am looking better. I looked kind of sick and tired as hell there for a while. My eyes are clearer, not as puffy. And I’m SMILING! Check me out.

I remember taking pics back on my days off from auditing those frappin’ Town & Country’s and I could hardly force a smile. You know I’m am better off than I think I am. I dreamed I was working there again and Adrian and I were going in to audit a store. I was miserable in my dream. I remember thinking, What the hell am I back here for? I have no regrets at all about quitting that job. None! That job SUCKED in every way possible. I couldn’t NOT drink and have that job. I couldn’t drink and keep that job. I shared that at a meeting yesterday and got lots of laughs. Normies may or may not get that. * Shrug * The only thing I liked about that job was the travel. I do miss the travel but hell I can jump in the car and go anywhere, anytime… uh without that job. And I don’t have to work when I get there! Even better…

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned. You know finding a job is a lot like finding a spouse in many ways. You got to find the one that’s right for you. I haven’t since I left the food bank. In a crazy way, I mourned over the food bank last night. I think I found closure. I just had a passion for that job. My heart was in it. Though it was a dead end and it was hell… I was there over two years. I had much of myself invested into it. I sobered up there, (sort of), it was like a turning point in my life. I needed closure. Though I didn’t get much sleep last night, I do think I got closure. Just like in the grieving process… I went through denial, anger, sadness, bargaining… and finally just forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself and for those that I feel wronged me. I felt all those emotions and then let em’ go. I let it go… and I’m ready to move on, without any ol’ baggage going with me.

My sister sponsor is so cute. Ever since the election she has an Obama joke for me every time I see her. She has that southern twang, and just chuckles as she tells it, gets real close and whispers between her bursts of laughter. They aren’t nice jokes and she don’t want others hearing, so she gets quiet when someone walks by but she picks right back up where she left off when they pass. She just laughs and laughs. I laugh cause she is laughing so hard over her own joke. It’s just so cute. And EVERY TIME I see her. “come here, I got another joke for ya!”

Tonight, I went with a new girl and Rodney to a meeting in Midland. This meeting was at a house. A member of AA died and she left her home to Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a closed meeting, which I haven’t been to a closed meeting in a very long time. Closed meetings are for alcoholics only. Open meetings are open to the public. (In case you didn’t know that). It was a good one too. I heard one guy say, “it’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.” Me and Doedee (the new girl) just looked at each other and sighed. Oh hell yeah… He is sure right. I also heard Doedee say that she doesn’t want to get back on her antidepressants because she wants to FEEL everything. Even the shit that hurts! Which is just about everything when you first sober up. I liked what she said and I agree. I don’t want anything to mask anymore. Not now… tomorrow may be different but right now, I want to feel it all and let the pain move me into change. I don’t just want to numb it and ignore it anymore.

Doedee and I laughed so hard tonight. Her husband called and learned she got a ride with Rodney and me to Midland. He got jealous and was interrogating her about it. She was in the car with us and just kept telling him she'll call him back. He was MAD that she rode with a man to a meeting EVEN with another woman. ( I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that and I WONT, that’s ridiculous) but after Rodney dropped us off at my car, she called her husband back and told him, “Rodney is hot and not a day OVER 80 years old!” It was funny. We laughed so hard. Then turns out she is staying with her mom in the apartments that I use to BUY dope. She told me where she lived and said she didn’t know how to get there cause she’s only been here for a few days. I told her, hell my car can find that place all by itself.

I am doing much better. I have surrendered. I did it yesterday. All this time I’ve been fighting and I can’t fight anymore, not with my own might and power. I gave it over to a Power Greater than myself yesterday. Now I just got to be careful and NOT take it all back from Him. I feel so much better! I feel like God filled me up with like a liquid love. I wake up in the mornings, I make my bed and while I’m there I get on my knees and invite God into my day. I make my coffee and now that I’ve got my meditation material all set up at my computer desk, it’s just like I’m going to work. First… read from the hope books, then bust out the local paper or search the internet for my next ex husband , I mean job.

I am awfully tired since I didn’t sleep very well, so I gotta go! I gotta leave you with this image I found as I searched online tonight. I LOVE IT! And YEAH!

I attempted to apply as Sears Roebuck and Co today as an office assistant. Within minutes of my attempt I was denied to go any further with the application process. Turns out… Kmart bought out Sears at some point. I did not know this… and even if I would’ve known still wouldn’t have thought a thing about it. Turns out… I am not eligible for rehire since I worked as a cashier for Kmart about ten years ago. Their records say I was terminated. I guess that could have happened when I never showed back up. Kind of a bummer… but ah well, so be it. I then applied as a Counselor’s assistant at a local rehab here. It’s only part time which isn’t exactly what I have in mind, but it’s in the field I do believe I want to be in. Also, I applied as a drug test assistant for an outfit in Midland. One that drug tests sexual offenders. That kind of spooked me out, and it’s only part time, but what the hay! Yesterday, I was turned down twice. One for the Paving Company, I can only imagine it’s because I don’t speak Spanish and much of the crew there are right from across the border. Then the WeatherFord position was filled and I wasn’t the chosen one. So yea, Yesterday was a bummer too. BUT I did apply at the local college who is in need of a Secretary in the Continuing Education department. I again applied for a job with the City. Also sent out 5 resumes. Two being in medical offices which don’t interest me much. Two others being in oilfield companies and the last as a ‘Property Manager’ for a busy rental office. That’s all I know… a blind box. Hate those!

I’m still not feeling so great. I think it’s those body cleansing pills. Five more days of em’ and I’m done with that! Thank Goodness! I am coming out of my funk though. I have come to believe that the hard times are not just meaningless suffering and that something goods gonna turn up just any minute now. I’m watching and waiting, expecting one of God’s Suddenly’s just any time now.

I’ve been reading a book about knowing God intimately. I’ve had my nose stuck in that book, took breaks to meditate and pray and then back to the book. I adore the AA literature and much of it is founded on biblical principals but I need the Word of God straight from God’s own mouth. I’ve fallen back on my study of scripture. I unintentionally stopped scriptural study when I went into recovery two years ago. Two years as of yesterday. November 4th, 2006 was my first dry date ever.

When my sponsor first gave me my big book, I wouldn’t read it. I told her I would find my Higher Power through the bible where I’ve always found Him. She just smiled, gently suggesting that I give it try. Much time passed. I’d hear all this awesome wisdom from the mouths of recovering drunks sitting in the meetings. I’d just be in awe, wow… you’re so wise! They’d tell me to read the big book and I would be wise too. Much more time passed… several new dry dates came and went, in desperation I busted open the book… and it has added so much to my spiritual walk. I had a God of my understanding when I walked into the rooms of recovery, but those ol’ recovering drunks gave me a God that understands me. I’m a lover of ol’ drunks. A lover of writer friends that keep it real. You never know how you touch someone else’s life by even the simplest word or gesture. Just as tossing a pebble into the water, the ripples can go beyond what your eye can see.

I was a member of WDC when I set my first dry date. I didn’t sign up on this website with the intentions of sharing my recovery struggles with you all. I just knew I liked to write. I didn’t read much since my attention span was as long as a minute. Still is for the most part, but here I sit … pouring out all I got onto this screen still with hopes that one day it’s going to all make sense. I read and held on to this today: You may not understand what you are going through right now, but later on you will see the purpose, IF you refuse to give up. That’s my problem. I keep saying “Fuck it” and surrendering to the wrong source for relief.

I’m a high bottom drunk. I haven’t had huge consequences for my addictions. I haven’t been to jail. I haven’t lost my family. I haven’t lost my home. I haven’t ever swallowed my own puke. I haven’t sold my shoes for a high. I haven’t had a doctor tell me I would die if I drank again. I didn’t even go through DT’s when I voluntarily checked myself into rehab two Novembers ago. I have a pocket full of YETS. Am I really an alcoholic? Absolutely not a doubt in my mind that I am. I’ve proved that time and time again. I have researched and experimented. Wrestled and struggled, surrendered and then stood back up for another ass whoopin’, only to get knocked down once again.

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quite entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.

Uh… I’m probably alcoholic.

One that has yet to reach the advance stages of alcoholism. One that has had no experience with delirium, hospitals, jails or institutions. I’ve drank heavily and there has been serious episodes. At times, it’s been little more than an uncontrollable nuisance with little or no consequences. I recognize that lack of drinking control, when I’ve really wanted control is the fatal symptom that renders me an alcoholic. The emotional disturbances have convinced me that alcohol already has me, that complete ruin is just a question of time. Alcohol is as serious as Cancer. If it wasn’t, insurance wouldn’t cover it. They recognize it as a disease and wouldn’t if they could get away with it. Certainly no sane person would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help. Certainly no sane person would keep turning away from that help by self deceiving themselves into believing that they don’t have cancer after all. Or just not caring enough about one self to take the proper procedures or medication to keep the disease in check.

In the for real’s truth, I wonder if I am the truly hopeless alcoholic. Is this the next twenty years of my life? Dry date after dry date… until I’m serving a twenty year sentence for involuntary manslaughter? Until the doctor tells me I’m dieing of liver disease? Until I snap into reality in forty years and realize I’ve drank every one I love … away?

I’m just thinking on screen. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m know I’m pretty tough. I also know that I got a Higher Power that has all the power there is. Nothing is impossible with God. All things work for the good of those that love God and are called to His purpose.

So this book I’m reading is all about the Holy Spirit. The Divine Helper. The Counselor, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, The Standby. I couldn’t help but recall times in my past that there’s no doubt it was God’s Spirit speaking to me. You hear it called, The Still Small Voice. I’ve noticed it’s not a voice to me, it’s just an inner knowing. You just know that you know that you know and there’s no proof or way of explaining. You just know. Even in trivial matters, like not so long ago I was at a dance. The room was crowded, the lights were dimmed. The music was loud. I had several conversations going at once. I had obviously laid my car and house keys down I assume on a table. A man grabbed them and was leaving. I didn’t see him. I didn’t hear a voice but I instantly knew he was leaving with my keys. Though I didn’t even know I had laid them down, I was in mid-sentence in a conversation, and like a light bulb flicked on and I just knew he was leaving with my keys. I chased him into the parking lot. Sure enough… he had them in his hand. I don’t know if his key thieving was intentional but I do know this particular man has extreme mental and emotional disorders. It could have been tragic.

Well, I’m pretty sure I covered a dozen topics in this one entry, but I’m pleased. I’m writing again. I’m able to convey what’s circling inside of me. This is progress. Huge for where I’ve been.

Other than all of the above, today has consisted of a lot of peace, soul searching, a bite mark from Meow on my arm. Physical up’s and down’s from those frappin’ body cleansers. (Frappin’ is mom’s cuss word), and of course election fears but obviously he’s the right man for the job. Whatever the job may be… he wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t suppose to be.

Love you guys a bunch…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y
 

Here’s a video of me .. today… and just about everyday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9n1H6bn5F0&feature=related



All this talk about voting. I’m just not into that kind of stuff. I know it’s important, Of course I should vote but I forgot to register and when time came to vote It was too late. IF I had of voted, It would have been McCain. The first time I saw Obama, what came to my mind? That man is the Antichrist!

McCain wouldn’t be my first pick but I think he’s the lesser of the two evils to be honest and like I said, my first thought when I saw Obama… “dude is the Antichrist.” Got an Atheist mother and a father that isn’t even an American. I liked Obama’s wife though. Except that I’m not a liberal. I don’t know what I am but I know I don’t believe in Abortion. I believe in FIGHTING for our country. I am NOT for gay marriage either. I don’t even really believe in Food Stamps. Cause if a man won’t work, He shant eat! But you know I believe in feeding the hungry too… but a free meal ticket ain’t the way out. I believe in traditions. I believe in Christianity and all that comes with it. All that the Big Big Book says… and so whatever that makes me, that’s what I am. I just don’t have enough of an attention span to stick with boring politics. I do however don’t have a right to bitch about who is our next president, cause I didn’t VOTE!

Thy Will Be DONE!




So… Today’s been a ride.

So I got turned down for two jobs today and I have not a clue what to do from here… just exercise those faith muscles.

Oh MY GOSH! I just heard Obama won.

Is this TRUE?

The end times are here!

Oh Lord, have Mercy!
 

The house is in good order. Finally… I have accomplished that which I set out to do. It took longer than I anticipated. Well, I really didn’t know how long it was going to take. I just dived in head first. It was complete chaos for several days. I just carried bag after bag to the dumpster. Stuff that could have sold but forget it. No time for that. Finally… I feel at home. I just need an extra cable wire to hook up the bedroom TV and all will be utopia.

Things are getting better. I’m going to stop coming on here to piss and moan about life. Yeah, I’m going through a bit o’ depression spell but who the hell hasn’t? We all get down and out sometimes. We just gotta pull ourselves up by the boot straps and keep going. That is precisely what I did today. It was a productive day. I had to stop a few times and shut the voices up in my head and even now I’m teary eyed over wishing I was still stuck in the rut of the food bank. I’m just fearful right now, in so many ways. It’s really just a delusion of fear because shit just has a way of working out. I know it, you know it… but sometimes, many times here lately… I just keep forgetting.

I expect to much out of life and I always have. It’s ok to expect great things from yourself and your time spent here on earth but when you crash and burn when it doesn’t work out, is when basic instincts turn into blaring character defects. You start trying to run the show. Arrange the lights. Build your own characters. Once again it flops and you’re left feeling worse than when you started out. So I reflected long and hard this morning on the following Chapter written by Bill Wilson sometime around 1935. ( I say YOU but I mean me)

**

We decided that hereafter in this drama of life that God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone [the wedge-shaped piece at the summit of an arch, regarded as holding the other pieces in place] of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom [personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery].

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well [thoroughly, carefully, or soundly], (to the best of our ability).

Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. ~ Pg. 62-63, Big Book of AA.

**

Why I feel better now just by reading it once again. So what’s been going on? My fifth step didn’t work out. It flopped and I came home and slept for two days. I couldn’t open up to my sister sponsor. I’m stuck in the midst of too much fear, confusion and guilt and it was not the time to be doing a 5th step. I got frustrated. She made a suggestion that I visit MHMR and see a doctor because I may need some type of medication. I got offended. That hit a nerve. I don’t want no fucking medication. I don’t want to be bipolar. I don’t want to be maniac depressant and I have a huge fear that I am. More people than I can count have suggested I check into that and I refuse. I’m just real emotional, that’s all! Sister sponsor meant no harm at all and she was actually referring to like antidepressants but I took it like she thought I was mentally ill and I got pissed. I told her I was going to get a drink and left her home. I had no God flow… only bitterness, resentment and that same ol’ hopeless blaring character defect, mind set… whatever it is… that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME ANYWAY SO WHATS THE DAMN USE. And it’s so not true but my mind can get all twisted up, my emotions all balled up and I can’t think right. I get stuck in my own head and it’s a bad place to be at times, not all the time, but sometimes.

But that’s over now and I see that if the steps aren’t working for me, then there’s something wrong with me, it’s not an outward condition it’s an inside job. So what else? Well Halloween Day, Sheeree MADE me get out of bed, put on my makeup, fluff my hair and go to a dance at the club. Which was good since I hadn’t put on my face in a week. So I go and a dude comes up to me asking how to make the roller coaster stop? I didn’t know but told him when he finds out to come let me know. That made me feel better to be reminded that I’m not the only one on this wild emotional ride. So then another dude comes up and starts talking to me. We stand there and talk the night away at the dance. He seems like a nice guy, not bad looking and it was just at the right time, I needed someone to talk too, I felt pretty bad. After talking to him, I felt better. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. He called me like 8 times the next day! He wanted me to go cruising. He wanted me to go to a BBQ. He wanted to come by and help me do my laundry. He wanted this… that… oh my gosh! I mean I appreciated that he was so into me but he was getting on my nerves! But I was cool with it, but then he asked, ‘what do you wear to bed?’ huh? So … I just met the guy the day before and he is now asking what I wear to bed. Lingerie? He questioned. So I tell him straight up right there that I’m not ready for a relationship right now. That I just want to be friends and if something more comes in TIME well cool… but I was certain NOW was not the time. He said he understood and just said he wanted to date me. I was cool with that. Movies, dances, BBQ’s, sharing pizzas, making meetings… I’m all about it.

So we meet up at a meeting that night and this dude was ALL over me. Trying to hold my hand… like right in my face, had his chair damn near in my lap, his arm across my shoulder, rubbing my back and hair. I never felt so damn uncomfortable! My friends were like, WTF? I just shrugged…hell I don’t know. He acted like we been hooked up for years. I felt so very uncomfortable. So we were headed out to another club and he wanted me to follow him to his apartment, drop his truck off and for him to ride with me. I wasn’t about it. First of all, he lives on the other side of town from me… so that means I would be going way out of my way to go back to his place to drop him off. I think he just wanted to get me to his apartment. He even made comment that one day he wants me to come stay the weekend at his place. ???? Is that nuttz? Known the dude less than 24 hours. I’d a thought I would have meet him at a bar and not a freakin’ AA dance. Ok, I know I’m draggin this on to much so I’m wrapping it up. So my friend Rodney, been sober since 1979, saw this dude all laying up on me and he came up to me in attempt to warn me saying he is getting bad vibes from this guy. And you know when Rodney says anything about anybody it’s because he means it from the bottom of his heart. So anyway, we all end up ditching weird guy and spending most of the night at our little coffee café and had a blast. Yeah, and me and weird guy were the butt of many jokes but it was still funny as hell. He did call me twice and I haven’t answered or returned his call. I may in time but I’m gonna tell him YOUR COMING ON WAY TO STRONG but It may not do any good, shit I already told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship and you know you just don’t go huggin up on someone in meetings. Everyone in that room is a friend of mine and they KNOW I’m single … and they know that relationships are #1 reasons for relapse and that is the very reason that it’s suggested you WAIT a year before getting in or out of one, once you come into recovery. And they call people like that PREDATORS, cause truth be know I’m emotionally a newborn.

I heard that when I writer repeats the same words over and over it shows their intelligence level. You notice how many times I use the word shit? It’s cause I’m not real bright and can’t think of the proper word to use.

Anyway, what else? I’m baking banana bread and it smells good. It may not taste good cause I used smart balance buttery spread instead of the real thing. Yep, I’m back on my diet kick and you know those cleansing pills I been taking got me feeling all kinds of bad… but I’m going to keep taking them. It’s got to be the toxins coming out and that’s a good thing. I talked to Cowboy Jay, remember the 56 year old outlaw? Yeah, he is cool and he isn’t like weird guy. I told him about weird guy and he said, girl don’t tell me no name! if I see him hitting on you, I’m gonna be hitting on him. He told me he is the big brother type and he ain’t gonna sit back and watch that crap. I like that… I need a big brother. A couple of em’! only one man I ever known that wanted a relationship with me and didn’t have sex intentions and that’s my step dad. No, my dad ain’t never sexually abused me nor did my brother but neither of them ever wanted a relationship with me either. This is where my No one gives a shit about me is rooted… it may never go away completely but maybe I’ll beable to learn to change my thinking.

So I claimed another dry date. I know you’re sick of hearing about that. ME TOO! Shit… but it’s Halloween day! I actually was sober a few days before but I’m claiming Halloween day because two years ago on Halloween Day I had my big blow up that lead me to rehab and I just think it’s sentimental or something. I’m just like that. I have more to say but I will shut up for now.

I love you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2NGe9mLAEc

PS: You make the roller coaster stop by surrendering, letting go and letting God.
 

I feel like I’ve been runned over by a big truck. My shoulders, neck, legs are miserably sore and aching. I did a massive overhaul on my apartment yesterday. I carried out bag after bag of stuff. Threw it all in the trash! I could have taken it to the Salvation Army but they put price tags on the stuff that is given to them and that chaps my ass! It would have also been time consuming. So I gave the dumpster divers something to dive for. Or not! What’eva!

Doing a deep house cleaning is a lot like doing your fourth step. Pull stuff out, render it worthy to keep or not? Dust it off. Knock down the cob webs. Put it where you want it, where it would be most useful and move on to the next pile of junk. Here I sit in complete chaos. The stuff I want to keep is strung about, out of balance, out of place. I think I’ve made it down to the ‘stuff I want to keep,’ but I know where the dumpster is and I will USE it. Too much stuff is not always a good thing. You can’t find it when you need it anyway.

This morning the shower fixer guy woke me up at 8:30. My shower is leaking and caused the ceiling to fall in on the guy underneath me. So they have a big job in front of them. He asked if I wanted him to come back in a few hours since I answered the door with one eye shut, a pillow imprint on the side of my face and a medusa hairdo. Yes, I would appreciate that. So he should be back any minute now. I tried to get my bathroom stuff out of his way to the best of my ability. Now it’s all lying on top the bed. So it’s D day! ‘Git r done day!’ I need to wrap this up so that I can move on with the rest of my ‘git r done’ list. Like… uh… find a job…

I got drunk the other day. Not yesterday but the day before. Yesterday I worked like a dog with a massive hangover and then slept. Man did I ever feel like poo. Today I still feel like poo but not quite as pooy. On Tuesday about 4 o’clock, My ex-boyfriend, Bobby, called and asked if I wanted a hamburger. I was struggling to get stuff done around here and I was hungry and lonely. He brought up a couple of hamburgers and we sat and talked about his recent back surgery. He pulled out of his pocket, two HUGE bottles of hydrocodiene. My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He sat them on my coffee table and continued to tell of his surgery story. I honestly don’t know what he said, my thoughts centered on that bottle of pills sitting right in front of me. He said he doesn’t take them because he don’t like the way they make him feel. Said, they make him feel ‘out of control’. I feel out of control when I’m stone cold sober… the pills, the drinks and so on… make me feel like I’m ‘in control’. Well, I asked him for a pill. Gave a sad story about how my back is hurting and a pain killer would help. He obliged and there it was. Instantly the way I felt …changed. Since I feel so damn bad, when I took that first pill, then accompanied it with a mixture of soda and whisky… that old fierce determination to win came back. Oh yea… I instantly felt better and could sense my ‘hope’ in this life was returning. Too bad… the buzz doesn’t last without continuing to drink. That’s the part that totally sucks.

It was an attitude adjustment and I know that I can’t go back to that lifestyle. It’s not who I am anymore. Of course I’m going to keep working the steps, keep going to meetings, and keep in touch with my friends in recovery. People comment to me about my determination, how I just keep getting back up and trying some more. The thing is… I have nowhere else to go. I’m not anything special, I’ve just burned up all the roads behind me. I’ve got nowhere left to go but forward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1leo4lENog