It’s been a good day! I’m happy! And FLEXIBLE!

That is so in my head! There use to be a little emoticon on yahoo messenger that was a little wrapped present, when you clicked it … it screamed out “I’m Flexiblleee!” Justin and I had way to much fun with that little emoticon around last Christmas. I’ve seen him twice this week and each time I saw him first thing that came to my mind, I’m FLEXIBLE! So I scream it at him from across the room. He screams “I’m flexible” right back… we totally fall out laughing. Everybody else is like WTF? And we laugh even harder…

Ahh the good life…

Today… I applied at a nonprofit that I found in the paper. Also at a little Christian book store that I think would be a blast to work at!

I have a sore back from mopping the big club house yesterday. I guess that’s what it is from… but GUESS WHAT?!?! I did my FIFTH STEP today and I’m high on life right now!

Went to a Group Conscious meeting and voted to KEEP our chairs! I sobered up in those chairs dammit! And so did a lot of other people and our votes won out. We are keeping’ em’!

OHHHHH!!! And there is this dude that I have seen TWICE once at the candle light meeting and then once at the dance. He is HOT! He is like a monster of a man, way over six foot tall… has long hair, looks just like my type! So I was asking Justin about him cause I saw Justin and he were buds. But I told Justin to NOT say anything to the guy, and what did Justin do… He TOLD dude that I was asking about HIM! Then dude asked Justin for my phone number!!!! Justin said he couldn’t give it out without my permission first… but GAVE him my yahoo messenger addy! He told me all ashamed like cause he didn’t know if I was cool with it or not but said dude kept harping him about it. I’m bouncing around like a girl in Jr. High School! I don’t know this dude but I know that he has nine YEARS sober, he is 35. He is single. He plays in band, works as a long distance truck driver and has his shit together. This is what Justin has told me about him. The first time I seen him I lit up like a Christmas tree because he is just my type. You know it when you see someone that fits you, but who knows if he is cool or not, Justin said he is sort of a playa! A PLAYA! Then quickly said it may be cause the right girl hasn’t come along as to why he hasn’t stuck with one girl. Who knows! But his name is Patrick and nope it’s not the same Patrick in my home group… it’s a different one! Might be blog worthy in time, we will see….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZuJIr_uW3M

I gotta go cause I can’t sit still
 

A phone call from Cowboy Jay woke me up this morning. I assumed that it was my sister sponsor calling to cancel the ‘fifth step’ arrangements we had. I heard the phone ringing but laid there staring up at the ceiling wondering if it was really a good time to do my fifth step. I knew that after last nights drama that there was a chance that the timing just wasn’t right. Fifth steps are critical. If not done with the proper person it can be quite detrimental to uh… me. Yeah… ME! It’s all about me, after all… anyway. I rolled the cat off my hip and forced myself out of bed, found the phone and saw the missed call to be Jay and not Sister Sponsor… I listened to his message. He said, “they say that I talk real slowwww…”. Weird - o! That was it… that was the voicemail he left. I call him back and get his voicemail… “They say we all talk Slooowww round these parts.” don’t ask…cause I don’t know!

So I go about doing my morning things… I find myself getting a little resentful that it was a call from Jay and not Sister Sponsor. She was suppose to call me at 9:00am. I was suppose to have coffee and be ready to step up and onward. I dialed her up and after hearing her voice I knew she was in a bad place. What happened? I’m not really sure. It was an accumulation of several things in her mind and she just snapped. I mean WIGGED… hard. It didn’t really shock me cause I’ve acted like that a time or two… even stone cold sober, but what freaked me out is that SHE acted like that. Sister is just prim and proper and cares a lot about what other people think of her. She’s always putting on a façade as I’m one to just plop my big ass down, here am I… love me or let me go.. She’s one to try to convince someone into loving her. I’m rambling… bare with me, K! and so for her to just explode like that right there in front of God and everybody… it was very unusual and it had me trying to FIGURE shit out. The little figure outter that I am…

It’s like while watching a football game, at times they side track from the game and zoom in on the replay machine. I busted out my inner replay machine and just started replaying every event of the night. I do this often. I have a replay machine in my head that is way overworked. This is exactly where obsessions and resentments are fueled. Cause you know each time it is replayed, I latch on to something I thought I saw and you know… sometimes even convince myself I saw something that may or may not ever have really happened. Before long… it wasn’t about her anymore, it was all about me. ME ME ME! Dammit! What about me??? I mean… YES, I do need to take the fifth step and YES it doesn’t seem to be working out with my sister sponsor… and YES she and I have been side by side in our sobriety for the last year. She has relapsed. I have relapsed. She is six months sober now. I’m not even thirty days sober this round, so what the hell do I expect? Expectations will be the death of me. In FACT, my mama sponsor… every time I call her bitching and moaning about something, first thing she asks me… “have you looked at your expectations Jen?” Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………………….. I just wanna slap her. don’t tell her I said that but the damnable fact is… she’s right. Grrrr again.

Well today my thoughts started out innocently enough. I was concerned about my sister sponsor but it soon escalated into … Well if she’d just get out of her SELF then she’d be alright! Then I got trapped in MY self… and soon found that replay machine kicking in overdrive, not only of yesterdays events but shit that happened 20 years ago, or 5 days ago… or whatever. Soon I was isolated and trapped within my own thoughts and damn near bat shit crazy within a few hours.

So I go take a long shower… I have a picture hanging in my bathroom that reads, “Wash me O’Lord and I will be whiter than snow”. So you know every time I see that and I’m getting in the shower it’s like I imagine God washing all of yesterday off of me and giving me a brand new start date … today. That helped, and after I got squeaky clean I laid on the sofa and cranked up my meditation music after lighting a few incense prayers…

In my meditation, I’m standing in the middle of a pretty bad storm and I’m at the shore of a beach. The winds are wild, the rain is pouring down, it’s cold… and Jesus is there with me. He’s like 7 Foot tall, like 300 pounds…he’s huge, like his hands are three times bigger than mine and he has long brown hair, a thick beard and these clear blue eyes that are just piercing, cut me right to the core. I kept trying to see his face but I couldn’t, it was just a blur… I could see his body and he was holding on to me, keeping me protected in the storm but I couldn’t see his face and I kept trying so hard. So I ask him… Why can’t I see you? Why am I blocked? Even though I could feel him… and he held me… why can’t I see your face?????????????

because you can’t see past yourself…

I knew that was Him talking to me cause I sure as I’m sitting here wouldn’t have thought of that in a million years! So I ask Him to forgive me for my selfish ways and ask him to take it. His face came through like a bright light… there his blue eyes were staring into mine and his love just poured all over me… and I started crying and tears were running down into my ears and I couldn’t stop.

And so I get up and go for a walk, it was such a beautiful day here. I cleaned my home, then went to the club and swept and mopped the floors. Anything to get out of my own head and sister is OK… and Kathy is OK and Me… I’m OK… and the meeting was awesome and we all had dinner afterwards and we laughed and laughed and made a fool of ourselves at the IHOP. The waitress recognized me from the old bar I use to go too… and she wanted to know where I was singing now cause she missed listening to me! Hahahaha… and I couldn’t tell you who that woman is for the life of me… but it was a good ending to a good day and I’m sober and I’m fixing to dive into the big book and gonna do my reading, AS if I was even ready for the fifth step, I haven’t done any of the reading! You see… I’m so glad I don’t have to live alone in my head anymore. Thank God for imperfect people that teach this imperfect girl how to love perfectly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
 

I had a great time at the dance last night. I looked pretty sharp in my bling bling blouse and holy jeans. You see… here lately I’ve been going to meetings with a baggy t-shirt and sweat pants, hair in a pony. Well, there may have been a few days I showed up in my ‘interview’ clothes but very little. So it was cool to get spiffed up like I was going out on a night in the town. Most importantly, I felt good. I’m a little round in the belly but I dress accordingly. Big girls can be beautiful too! You just got to know what compliments your body and not try to squeeze yourself into tight clothes thinking its going to make you look smaller. My friend… she is beautiful and everyone says we look like twins. We are both big girls, not extremely but thick. Yeah… thick… that’s the word. I’m a size bigger than her NOW thanks to sobriety and real butter instead of margarine. And well maybe all that chocolate I indulged in when I was first weaning off booze. She squeezes herself into jeans. I’ve told her once before that when you look uncomfortable it isn’t attractive. When the roll above your jeans line is bigger than your boobs than you don’t look comfortable with yourself and therefore not so attractive to the eye. Just my opinion, of course! But I’d rather go up a size in clothing than have to stuff myself into my clothes and be uncomfortable and it doesn’t look good either. I know because I see it… she walked around last night… so STIFF, looked like she had FOUR boobs, barely able to breathe cause her jeans were so tight. She looks so good when she is comfortable in her clothes. I know I’ve seen it, she a knock out… but somewhere she got the idea that tighter clothing makes you appear thinner. Not so…

What’s my point? NO clue… just on my mind.

I had a great time last night. I danced and I danced… busted a move, laughed, cut up… smiled… I just had a wonderful time. My friend did not. Not sure what went wrong but before the night was over, she had a major breakdown. Started cussing and screaming, slamming doors, punched the wall… I mean just lost it. I’ve never seen her lose it like that before. She has more of a stuffer’s temperament, as I tend to say whatever it is that’s bothering me almost immediately and then it’s released and not eating at me so much. She holds stuff in and it just builds and builds and last night, she blew a top… I was afraid that she was going to go drink and so I drove my her house a few times, her car was there so I felt she would be alright.

We had scheduled to do my fifth step this morning… yep, this is my sponsor, one of them. Some of us are sicker than others so I have THREE… but unfortunately, once again… my fifth step has been postponed. She’s having an emotional hangover. I did not feel she was in a good enough place for me to admit to her all my defects of character. I called her this morning and yea… she’s not. I need to get this done so I can move forward with the steps! I’m tempted to maybe even find another to do my fifth step with, they only have to listen… nothing more… I don’t know what to do but I know I’m ready to move forward and this is the second time that it just hasn’t worked out with my sister sponsor. This fifth step I have done on relationships. It’s different than the one’s I have done before, this one I wrote down every man I’ve ever been in relationship, starting with the first one to the last. I’m just ready to do this step so I can move on to the action steps! Obviously it’s not time. I guess… maybe I should call my Mama Sponsor and she what she thinks.

I talked to Cowboy Jay about it this morning… he said, ‘look in the mirror and to thine own self be true’. it doesn’t have to be a sponsor, they just listen and help you see the patterns… to see your part, not feel sorry for you but help find what you can do to change the patterns in your life. Oh and you know, the woman that told me she was gonna knock me on my ass, a few weeks ago? She is talking shit about me and my sister sponsor. Jay confirmed this and so has many others… she is starting ugly rumors about us. It doesn’t bother me much cause I know that lady is ‘off the chain’… but it’s a lot of what was bothering my sister sponsor last night. So she said… it was this morning. I don’t know. I think there was more to it, I think it has to do with a man somewhere… I’m pretty sure, but she isn’t talking about it and you can’t force anyone to talk. There’s a difference in privacy and secrets. Privacy is good… but it’s those secrets that will eat you from the inside out. I’m kind of bummed. Yep… bummed about having to postpone my fifth step again but I guess I need to just be more patient.

 

Beginning each meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, every one that wishes to… bows their head and we say the serenity prayer out loud and most times in unison. At every AA meeting someone is asked to read the beginning pages of Chapter 5 “How it Works”. This is about three pages long and has some very valuable information in it. Someone is then asked to read AA’s twelve traditions. This is about a page long. Both of these are read by someone at each and every meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. At the ending of each meeting everyone joins hands and says the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ out loud and in unison.

My home group is the 5:30 meeting at Suburban group of Odessa, Texas. On the West wall there sits… Hal. Jerry. Lucy. Dan. Ana. On the South wall there sits… Eric. Howard. Andy. Walt. Ronnie. Dennis. Bob. Randall. JT. Tatum. On the North wall there sits… Patrick. Pam. Sharon. David. And in the middle there sits… Me. Leslie. Sheeree. Kathy. Rodney. Donna. Dustin. Of course faces come in and out. Some stay, others don’t… but these faces are there most every day. These are the people that make this group what it is. My home group.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The podium .
The 45 year old chairs that we by golly earned a right to sit in.
The steps are on the wall to the left.
The traditions on the wall to the right.
The serenity prayer in the middle.
Dr Bob‘s picture is on the left of the serenity prayer.
Bill W’s picture is on the right of it. ( The founders of AA)

I am a wee bit bummed. The interview I went to today, bothered me. I didn’t really want the job anyway… it wasn’t one that I felt was right for me from the start, so why bummed?

Dunno… discouraged I guess.

I walk into this chiropractic office 15 minutes early for my scheduled interview. There’s 8 other ladies sitting in the waiting room with name tags on and filling out paperwork on a clip board. I figured some event was happening… but didn’t think much about it. I tell them I’m here for a 2:00PM interview. She hands ME a clipboard and a name tag! I can only imagine what my facial expression said back to this lady. Turns out, it was a group interview! They interviewed everyone of the candidates that applied at the SAME time. I didn’t appreciate it. Almost said so…

They did their little spiel … gave us a tour of the office and had us answer a few questions. Such as… can you NOT smoke during office hours? Uh… I told Mr. Chiropractor that I am a smoker and I will smoke on my scheduled breaks. Most everyone else said they didn’t smoke, FIRST strike for me.

Next question he worded it fancy but what he MEANT was… Are you willing to take shit pay with the hope that you will get bonus’ and incentives in the future? My answer again was not what he would have liked to hear and I knew it… but uh… no. I’d rather have a higher paying job without the ‘work your ass off’ ‘wear yourself out’ for a bonus that NEVER comes or FALSE idea of possible incentives. Just to be told that … you came up short in some area and if you just work at it harder… next time you may get that bonus. AND then… Next time it’s the same spiel… the bonus will never come. Been there and done that! Uh no…

Oh I forgot to mention that he kept us all sitting in the waiting room, staring at each other for well over thirty minutes before he began the GROUP interview. At least I got to scope out my competition. Oh and I read a cool quote on the wall from Albert Einstein ~

One good thing about being unemployed is that my home is pretty close to immaculate. First time in my life that I’ve ever really made my bed on a daily basis. Usually, I’m bolting out of it, jumping into the shower and flying out the door and down the highway. I have noticed that IF I make the bed everyday, then I don’t have to wash the sheets as often. They are hidden from Meow, hence… not so much kitty hair to battle. Who’d a thunk it?

Since I’ve been out of work, I’ve formed the habit of doing the dishes every morning, usually consists of one coffee cup, one glass, maybe a plate and a fork and lots of spoons as I tend to grab a new one every time I stir creamer into my coffee. Vacuuming the eye liner shavings off the bedroom floor. You’d think I’d save myself the hassle and not knock them onto the carpet… huh? Sweeping the cat bite crumbs off the kitchen floor. You’d think I’d save myself the hassle and just not feed her. Empting and washing ashtrays. (Not going there) Pull the shower curtain shut, pick that wet towel up off the floor, hang it up to dry, so you can use it again. What a concept!

It appears I have formed the habit of titivating my home first thing each morning. Or… afternoon, whenever I arise. It is much easier to titivate daily and not wait till your knee high in a mess to kick into titivating gear. I hate sleeping late because I am such a morning person. Mornings are my favorite time of the day. I love coffee. I love the mornings fresh air. The anticipation of a new day, a new beginning. But, I also like staying up late… I want the best of both worlds! Surprises me not…

Yep, I learned a new word yesterday. Titivating - To make decorative additions to; spruce up. I learned this word late last night as I watched on the Oxygen channel, Sex Talk With Sue Jo. I was traumatized as I watched this old lady handle a purple dildo and give oral sex tips and demonstrations. Took a few minutes for the shock to pass. Then, I tried hard to get through to her as I had a sex question. All I got was a busy signal, but I did learn a lot! She titivated me. to make smart or spruce…

* blush *

Yesterday… was a bummer day for me. My mother woke me up by calling at noon. She wanted me to come over and eat beef stew with them for lunch. I was in need of coffee so I declined. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t. I took my laptop to bed with me, flipped on the TV, intended to do some online Jen stuff but soon found myself locked into a movie. “The Lakehouse” with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Excellent chic flick. Then forced myself up and to the store for a few hygiene products and then to the Sunday meeting at my club.

The Topic:

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people ----

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the Power of God. Our ideas did not work, but the God idea did. ~ Page 52, Alcoholics Anonymous

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? ~ Page 53, Alcoholics Anonymous

I was glad Kenneth didn’t call on me to speak as I knew not what to say, except … That’s EXACTLY what I’m going through RIGHT now. And the answer? God is either everything or He is nothing. Yeah! He’s everything to me… but I just keep forgetting! I keep doubting. I have this knack for saying uh… “fuck it”. I’ve noticed about myself that I think it’s either all or nothing. And some days ALL I got is just not much and so I think I’ve failed. Done screwed it up ONCE again.

Yesterday I think majority of my yukness was physical. I don’t feel good. The seasons change has my bones aching. I feel old. Also, I knew that it was close to D day with the job search… and I knew not where to go or what to do. I couldn’t even read my morning meds yesterday. I whispered not one prayer. I almost talked myself out of going to a meeting but thank God I just went. Sometimes I need skin on my God. Many times I need to be reminded that I’m just a human and my strength comes not from my own power. My own power runs out. It may get me through for a bit but without a doubt there comes a time when I’m just wiped out. Though I didn’t FEEL much different when I left yesterdays meeting, God was there in the skin of those around me and He reminded me that reliance on Him is my best option. Without a doubt we have to give our prayers feet but we don’t have to wear ourselves out. We do what we know to do and then we stand still and know that God is God. There is a plan! There has to be… or we wouldn’t be here. RIGHT?!

Right.

Saturday I drove to Midland and went to the Old-timers once a year conference. I called every girlfriend I got and no one wanted to go, so I went by myself. I couldn’t miss this. Two years ago, on the very day… The treatment center I was in took me to the Old-timers meeting. It was my first introduction to AA. My first AA meeting. Just a bunch of old people with 10 or more years of sobriety… but it was sentimental to me and though I got there late, I got there.

I’m so glad I stayed…

I’m not the same girl that sat in that very room two years ago. It’s all because of God working through the lives of those that will let Him. I’m so thankful for people that let God use their skin at times.


Well! The good news… GMAC called me at 8:30 this morning. Yep, I was awake! They need an Administrative Assistant.

It looks very promising …

Stuck on Him...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G392kLoGyaU

Hey ya’ll…

Only have one experience that I’d like to write down about this day.

A member of my home group has spent the last two weeks in the hospital with her daughter. Not sure what’s wrong with her daughter, she has some type of infection that is pretty critical.

This ladies husband was leaving the hospital this morning from visiting his daughter when he collapsed in the doorway with a massive heartache.

Oh our poor friend… now has her daughter and her husband in the hospital. One on 4th floor, the other on 2nd floor.

So we made her a basket of goodies and took it up to the hospital. Only thing is, we did not know her daughter or husbands name. We were just walking the halls of the hospital to try to find her. A good fifteen minutes we searched for her, no such luck. We were walking out the door when she was walking in.

Is that a God thing or what?

Man she looks horrible. Her eyes blood shot, she’s hurting so bad right now but she lit up when she saw our faces. It was truly awesome and I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that was a God thing. We could have missed each other easily… one minute difference in timing and we would have never crossed paths.

She said something that amazed me… there’s a difference in believing God can and believing God will. Her name is Barbara, if you would like to say a little prayer for her and her family.

Today I made several job contacts… and that’s about it. I’m getting a little bummed about sitting around doing nothing but you know… I just may be eligible for a pell grant next year because I’ve been unemployed for about six months of this year. Whatever God has up his sleeve, I know it’s gonna work out and someday I’ll look back at this time and say… ahhh… that’s what You were doing!

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me because of my story. If it bothered me, I wouldn’t be posting it. I have really come to terms with that of my childhood, much of it has been through my past writings and just through growing up in public. I’m cool … so no worries! What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. There are reasons that all that happened and someday I’ll understand it. Someday very soon.


 

The first time I tasted alcohol was the first time I got drunk. I was 12 years old. I was with my older brother and his friends at a park that sat in our childhood neighborhood. We were drinking vodka and orange juice. Instantly I went from feeling like a shy, timid, ugly little girl… to an outgoing, beautiful and accepted young woman.

I don’t remember much about what happened that night. Other than the older boys were hitting on me. I was as if I were the life of the party. I head butted the car, puked and got real silly. My brother said I couldn’t drink with him anymore. Said I got stupid when I drank and he wouldn’t give me any more again.

I wasn’t the prettiest little girl on the block. I was teased a lot by my classmates, rejected and criticized. I had been physically abused by my father. I had been sexually abused by two men during my childhood. My mother has a giving nature. Combined with her feelings of guilt for what had happened to me early in life, she went overboard and gave me anything and everything that money could buy. There was little structure in my life as a child. I came and went as I pleased. I was a latchkey kid. My mother worked long hours. My father wasn’t there part of the time and when he was it was just his body, very little else. My older brother was well known for his dealings with drugs. He created my reputation for me before I ever had a chance. I was known as “J’s kid sister”… and expected to be a hell raiser and dope smoker, just like him.

I was shy, timid and very insecure. People would ask, “do you ever talk?” Randall started sexually abusing me in Kindergarten. Michael started soon there after. Both men left, thus the abuse stopped when I was in the 3rd grade. This is when I started gaining weight. I stayed pretty plump until the 6th grade, resulting in even more criticism and rejection from my class mates. I just didn’t fit in. I didn’t belong. Even those that said they were my friends would belittle me and set me up for embarrassing moments. Such as… faking a letter from a boy that claimed to be interested in me, asking that I meet him at a time and place. I would go there and no boy was there, only a crowd of laughing kids telling me how stupid I was for believing a boy would really like me.

I would withdraw more and more each time I was rejected. I became angrier with each passing year. The kids my age didn’t accept me but I soon found that older people did. I had very few friends my own age, as I reached Jr. High School, at 13 years old, my best friend was a woman that was 28 years old. She supplied me with Marijuana. My boyfriend was 21. He supplied me with booze. I had slimmed up during the summer between Elementary and Jr. High. My older girlfriend taught me how to dress, how to wear makeup. She would put fake nails on me and fixed my hair like a woman’s hair would be fixed. I went into Jr. High looking like I was one of the teachers. I was larger than the rest of the girls my age. Taller and still wider though I had lost a lot of the weight. I was also mad as hell. I used anger to cover up my timidity. I soon stepped into the reputation my brother left for me. I was tough. I was a bad ass. I wouldn’t ask questions, I would just start swinging.
I stole cigarettes weekly from a grocery store, supplied myself and my older girlfriend with smokes. Between my brother and her, I had a stash of weed most every day. Had booze from my older boyfriend who would do beer runs every other day from the corner stores.

I had arrived….

I was no longer that fat, shy, insecure, fearful little girl. Now, I was cool, beautiful and felt all grown up. Those same kids that use to torment me… now wished they could be my friend. I put a lot of effort into appearing like I had it all together but inside I was still that same timid little girl, feeling like she just wasn’t good enough.