Being able to talk to you this way. I so never expected really to get this. I mean even now, its like going in and out of two different worlds, like the opposite side of a mirror. You gotta see that movie too. Its got that guy, um. He's kinda cool, but. Dag! I can't rem Keiffer Sutherland. Yeah, Look it up from that name. He starred in it and it was a scary movie about him working in this place at night. But anyway ['bout to give away the plot so don't read forward if you don't wanna know] but the end to me anyway was kind of stupid. I have to see it again, But my point is still I got something from the end of the movie. I saw how the world is not as we see it. We think it is because physically, we see where we are, but that's not really where all this takes place.
 

Man, its all coming together. There is so much. Its like i'm afraid to say it here because I have figured out how to say it out loud. so YOU can hear me.

So I'm saying it. THANKS BABY! We pulled her OUT! Yeah, you. and me. WE did it. Don't think you didn't help me pull it out just because you have no recollection of meeting or knowing me. Ah naw. That's not how this go. Comeback. Don't leave me now just cuz i said some stuff your mind don't know howta hear really. Its ok. Remember what is said, was THANKS BABY! That means You! I love You. And yes, I can say that because I have met You. And I loved you. No one can ever say I did not love you.

I love everything about you. Oh my God! I wonder if the notes really DO come from the Universe just like the universe you and I have. Oh, its so great to finally be here.

If you guys don't know where I am, its okay. Its tricky like that. Just be entertained, amused, or whatever you're getting, cuz that really all there is to do is BE.

It took a lot of DOing for me to get BEing. If you can hear this, note to Self: Do less doing, and more Being. Its the way out of that nightmare you're having. And yes, it is a nightmare. Do not mistake it for the real thing. It isn't.

Hey, ever see um... that movie. Oh. The Cell with butt-girl, um.. whatsername. Lopez, yeah. Its like that. If you haven't seen the movie. See it. It'll give you some insight into something in your life. You can see how the world is. That things are not what they seem. So you need neither to worry OR to cry. Bob Marley man. I felt he HAD to know what he was talking about. So I just took it into my skin that what he sed was true: That every little thing is gonna be all right. AND. IT. IS. I thought it was just the weed.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** FOR:
             UniquesFire
 May my passion bless your .
 

I'm in another one!
 

Manic Episode

Duration: ~42 hours (6am Fri.- Midnight, Sat.)

Experience: I woke up Friday morning feeling intense, high mental energy. I was in a manic episode. Floods of coherent thought rushed my mind. My paper-filled scratchings evidenced direction. Energy. I understood relationships among a myriad of concepts, behaviors, and people, previously completely unseen. As always, it was an exhausting yet awe-inducing experience! Saturday, just before midnight, my mental awareness decreased, and suddenly I was completely fatigued. Greatful...

I went to bed.

 

Check it out! Just Released:

"ULTIMATE HIGH"  18+: A paperweight traps this human being's life.

and

"Invalid Item"  :

Let me know what YOU think!


 

Responsible for caring for one another.
 

God,

Did I tell you today that I love you?

I know I did. I woke up with you on my mind. The sun is shining once again in my heart. It's come more often the more I've been open to you.

Being open has been so hard in the past. I was concentrated, because of my commitment to you, on generating, increasing, and exhausting every resource and potential I could, to create the "Touchstone of Excellence" for YOU.

It required my life, and I gave without reservation.

Before you now, I am battered and broken, seeking expression of my devotion to you in new ways; my body can no longer continue that pace and my mind has ascended to a whole different place.

I have love, I have music, I have genius, and now a complexity and depth of competence unparalleled by my beginnings.

But most of all, I have you. You, who THROUGH IT ALL, were there for me, picking me up when I kept falling down. Allowing me the freedom to EXPERIENCE my life without giving up my devotion to you.

I struggled! Oh God, I fought for my life and against you, the you I then thought I knew you to be. I came many times to the brink of giving up. And, I slept, thank God. For in exhausted frustration and finally sleep, I was renewed every time to go forward in you.

I praise you, God, for being there. For never leaving me. For giving me the space to struggle against you, and my foundational beliefs, to emerge with a salvation ONLY YOU could give me. That is all I can do, is be connected to you. Nothing else matters: what others may think or the judgment they pass, when it comes to the true test, my trial by fire.

I rest now, exhausted but joyful in the realization, that with flying colors I have passed.


A NEW AGE BEGINS now, with the flowing expression of all that is in me. In the beginning I yearned to share insights on life, and yet it was too soon in my life for me have many. I had no experience. I had teachings and training, but nothing that entered great fields of experience. Oh, but I have it now - some, more that I want - yet none I regret as I am now who I am.

Above all, though, I never lost site of you, and my commitment to be you all I was created to be. One can't be that without making movement in life. Mothers, fathers, therapists, friends... can all provide perspective, guidance, assistance, and love, but they, NO more than I, know what you create here.

I still don't "KNOW," but I have a direction, a VISION to be and share with those who are open to see the unique perspective from the experience of me.

Still here we are together. You. and Me. Nothing else matters. And, I get that, as I move onward to a level I couldn't reach before or see.

I have entered the next phase. It is beautiful to me...my own devotion to you despite opposition against me. It is a relationship that you requested of me. And a personal relationship I dared to live with you.

Forty years of hard work, toiling day and night, for you. To live with enthusiasm (every bit I could muster -- even in times of paralyzing depression): Go to sleep baby, and then try again.

I look forward to the future, and the freedom it brings. The knowledge of your love, of your commitment to ME, and to the world when you came and set us all free. Many don't believe that; and that's okay with me. Freedom of choice was your first gift to me. And I don't seek to take it from anyone, even me. But with freedom comes responsibility. The ability to RESPOND. And standing in YOUR love, held up by YOUR strength, surrounded by people who love me in their own ways, I move gladly into the level of ALL that is me.

May I represent your love. May I be true to me. You created me; you gave me feeling, intuision, and insight. I can relax now because I know there is no where to be. Nothing to "DO," but rejoice in my life and relationship with you.

The sun has come up in my heart again.

Not naive: I still know things will happen. Problems will always be. There'll be sad times, and new growth pains me. But I know... now I KNOW... now, I have EXPERIENCED -- for ME -- that you are my shield, my protector, my shepherd, my fortress, my lover, my friend, and for all time will be my PEACE in the midst of every storm!

I love you. I praise you. And, I thank you. From ME!

I'm off now to enjoy the rest of my day.
...Happy Happy! TWO ONE and a


Hear the release of my emotion: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

   UniquesFire: The passion of my
"May it bless your heart with feeling."

 

NOTE: I posted this entry the first time on Thursday, (3/26/09), thinking, in my inexperience, that it would my first "ENTRY" not the static body at the top of my blog. In my infinite quest to keep my entries chronological, I have included this note for the record. Enjoy.


In Search of "Insight"

Someone told me today that I lack insight because I am unable to identify what my actions actually indicate.

For instance, I assured my therapist I am not depressed: I don't feel depressed. I've been depressed. I KNOW what depressed feels like, and I am not depressed!

Yet these days...
-A thought crosses my mind and I am suddenly sobbing;
-I sometimes sit in dark silent rooms rocking while thinking or staring.
-I dress in black work boots, black hat, and black hood with dark glasses to effectively cover my eyes. Then suddenly I feel something wet on my cheek ...coming from UNDER my glasses. The appointment I was en route to--on newly-travelled PUBLIC transportation--got rescheduled MID-trip! I had called to say I'd be 15 minutes late, and would that be ok or should we reschedule. First, he said, "Yes." Then, "Well, let's RESCHEDULE." (I didn't expect him to take me up on it!) I had already missed (by mere seconds) a bus AND a train just to get where I was (hence the 15 minutes late).

Now, I gotta get off THIS train and get on the train heading BACK to the station from which I came. THEN, figure out which bus will take me home again and where I'm to stand to catch it. What's to cry about? I don't know, cuz I'm NOT crying. Waters just running out of my eyes!

At night, while dining with my partner in a family restaurant, I see a group of people interacting like the family we left in Savannah weeks before, and yep, there I go again... uncontrollably weeping.

What IS all this crying? I said I'm NOT depressed. I know what depressed feels like. It's painful despair with no end in sight ...NO end in sight. Not EVER. I know it; I've lived it. So I say to myself, "Do you think you're depressed?" And the answer comes, "NO! I just keep incessantly crying!"

Do they call this depression? And if I saw it as such, would that be an "... insight?" Or a step out of the river deNile.

Still can't say I know for sure.


   UniquesFire: The passion of my
"May it bless your heart with feeling."
 

Good morning, God.

Today, I feel happy to be alive. So often these days and in the past years of my life, that has not been the case. I feel happy, in love, and in tune with you, and greatful for the time to align myself so completely with the strength and faith of being connected to you.

I have one thing mostly weighing on me today. And its not whether Alee calls about my appointment. I won't be upset if we can't meet today, I'll just need to meet with him earlier next week. I feel solid; I feel good.

What does concern me is the answers to my questions about how to file this case. I don't know whether or not I am supposed to file against the tenants or the property manager or both. I'm not trying to get money from them twice, but I do want the money that we are entitled to under the lease agreement, and I do want compensation for damages beyond the scope of normal wear and tear, hence the stove (mostly) which is more cost effectively replaced than repaired and the carpet which the insurance company saw fit to replace due to damage.

I'm not sure where to get my questions answered. I was confused when I went back to the website. The first time it all seemed so clear, but when I went back, I wasn't sure if I was in the right place or not. I wondered if the Superior Court was in fact where I was supposed to file my claim or if there were a lesser court I had no recollection of hearing about.

I wondered if there was a place to get these questions answered, if it was on the same website (which at first, I couldn't even find in my bookmarks the other day) and if today, I was going to be able to comprehend what I was reading.

I know you know the answers to all these questions and can connect me with just the right information at the moment of my need. I thank you for doing that, and for taking such wonderful care of me especially since I've given that over to you, choosing to take you at your word that we should take no thought for tomorrow; for tomorrow will take thought for itself. That even the sparrows who fly in the field do not worry what they will eat or where they will sleep.

As I found myself debilitatingly consumed with exactly those worries, I stepped out on faith and trusted your word, doing all I knew to do to handle those areas, then giving to you the shortfall that remained.

Since November, I have trusted you to this extent and in this way. Since way before November you have loved me and carried me through many and much that could have torn me away. I thank you now, again for my life, for the life you have saved over and over again, and for the view on the horizon as I trust you today.

I love you, Lord. I am confident in you, God. I praise you with ha llelujah's from my heart and my lips and the whole of my being. You are the source of my life and I dedicate my life to the enjoyment and expression of your love.

Though in economic crisis, I put my trust in you. You have never failed me yet. I know again you'll come through.

Thank you, Spirit. Thank you, Spirit. Thank you, Spirit.

I relax my heart in you.

Ahmen, Ashe' and Ahmen again.


   UniquesFire: The passion of my
"May it bless your heart with feeling."