i hate those moments where i get a brief insight into the way my mind actually works. it usually makes me wonder why the hell other people's minds are so drastically different.
..enough of my screwed up psyche.

kate is off to her ex girlfriend's house, tonight. katie, the ex in queston, is actually a really nice girl, easy to get along with etc, and i get on great with her. but right now, i'm hating her with a passion, and i know it's utterly rediculous.

a few weeks back, kate and katie stopped talking. this was because she had tried to convince my girlfriend that she still loved katie. does that makes sense? perhaps not.
Katie kept saying to kate 'yeah but you still love me' - and all that kind of crap.
it was fucking with kates head, and an arguement ensued, thus ending their friendship for a couple of weeks.
recently, like, in the last 3 weeks, they've started getting on again, and tonight, kate is going round there for dinner. this i'm fine with. i just don't like the thought of her sleeping there. katie just split up with her girlfriend, and as much as i trust kate, i can't stand the thought that katie might make a move on her.

i'm driving myself half mad with this and i don't know what to do. can't say anything to kate, because i've already said i'm fine with it, and i don't want to stop her from seeing katie, i just don't want her to sleep there...

i'm wittering and this probably makes no sense, so i'm sorry. i just need to get this off my chest i think. i'll come back for an edit later.

also, i'm going to see zowie tonight. i'm not sleeping there, obviously, and even if i did, she lives with her boyfriend, who she's happy with, so it's not even in the same caliber, but it somewhat detracts from any arguemnet i may be able to put forth to kate.

moot point though, because i know and you know i'm going to keep my mouth shut and suffer it, and if katie does try anything on with kate, i'm going to break her legs.

Kay xxx
 

crazy weekend! it was lovely to see becky and vicky again, i am very glad they came down. kates party went well, although i drank more than i usually would. none of kate's friends have ever seen me drunk - although i consume a fair bit of alcohol, i have quite an immunity to it - so it's really a huge testament to how much i really didn't want to face the real reason for the gathering.

for those of you who asked, kate is going backpacking around australia for 7 months. she'll be leaving on september 1st, and plans to come back march 24th. it is a long time, and i have fallen so helplessly head over heels in love with her, that i'm not sure what i'm going to do.

what pains me more than her going is that i know i could stop her. if i asked, if i told her i really didn't her to leave, she wouldn't. she tells me increasingly more often that she's dreading being without me, and she's scared... but i know she needs this, it's been planned longer than we're known each other, and i won't have her resent me, i won't be the one who stopped her living out her dream.

they do say that if you love someone, let them go. if they love you too, they'll come back.

i'm sort of bargaining on that.

Kay
xxx

p.s. it's great to be back. i missed you all!
 

the end of a quarter is always my favourite time at work. it's busy, and stressful, and i always have too much to do with too little time; yet when it gets to this time on the last day, i always feel somewhat accomplished having managed to cram 3 months work of work into a week.
i shouldn't really be sat here procrastinating and writing journal entries, but i have missed it too much. i tried using blogspot and other free alternatives, but i can't seem to keep it up for more than a couple of entries. i don't know what it is about writing.com that keeps me coming back, but it does continually.
i guess... i guess that when it comes to journaling, this place feels like home. i don't get nearly as many viewers as i used to with my first blog, but it doesn't really bother me much. the layout feels familiar, settling, in the same way that no matter where you may end up living, going back to your parents house always gives you that sense of overwhelming comfort.

actually a little bit devastated, although i'm doing my best to keep it to myself. kate leaves in less than 5 weeks, and it's her leaving party tomorrow. becky and vicky are here for the weekend, which is come comfort. i'm hoping i keep it together once all the australia talk starts. i'm doing my best not to make it harder for her to leave.

we've been together nearly 6 months now, and the whole thing is still surreal and amazing. we're past that initial part where the other party can't do any wrong, and yes, we do have the odd disagreement, but if i'm honest, it's working out better for me than anything i've experienced previously. in every single relationship i've had prior to this one, i would refuse to stick up for myself to a crippling level.
she brings out a side of me that wants to stick up for itself, and this time, if i disagree with her, i will tell her. we have arguments, but then we have the best make-up sex imaginable.

i've decided it's definitely worth it