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Ramblings for a journal |
| Stuff that crosses my mind in between days.. |
| 27th April 2011 04:28am |
Can't sleep 'again' .- my backs aching and someones house alarm is soundin - just what ya need fo a fitful nights rest - the high pitched undulating whine of a house alarm  I watched a film yesterday evening - mel Gibson directed it I think ? - the passion of Christ ... Did ya ever watch a film that made you feel complete disgust of yourself? - I was amazed by the fact that I couldn't stop watching it - not the fact that I didn't know what was going on, I've seen depictions of sacrifice before and I'm sure that you could never come close to horror of them 'how naive dya wanna be right?' - but thus was very very brutal 'truly brutal! ' - and again I'm sure this didn't even come close to the reality of it ... - it's kinda like the idea of 'stoning' a person to death - it happens now - our perceptions of reality are so 'off' it's rediculous ! And we suggest that we are civilised ? We're not ! We turn our backs on so many needy people - we suggest that we are 'charitable' ? We aren't ! We drive past the homeless daily - often times we dont even see them - we're se- sensitised to 'everything' we don't wanna see... Jesus died 'horrifically' - in a way that even our wildest imagination of truth and fact could not even come close to!! Imagine it if you can - beaten, stoned, whipped - tortured ! - driven by taunts, whips, stones and mure beatings! And then nailed to cross he was forced to carry ?... And we turned away from him !!! The one who helped him 'suggested' he was an innocent man?... I think is true ta suggest that we create a 'safe bubble' that we all live in - locks on our doors, on our cars ... We keep reality at arms length - for real !!... Recently an elderly couple we murdered - they were beaten to death with a hammer !? I just dunno where we're going as a human race ?? What's the answer to it all?? Wars?, greed?, love?, pain?, death? What is it that people are searching for? - the common denominator that'll end all this bulls***!? |
| 18th April 2011 21:44pm |
| So I'm off work ill with this muscle injury that I'm thinking is a broken rib or two - don't ask how I've gotten it cos I've no idea!!...*thinks for possible causes!!?* god knows .. So I go ta the emegency docs on Saturday and he says it's muscula an ta take 'ibuprofen' okay - I said - it says 2 per day, I'm in 6 and it's not even touching the pain - is that even right I'm wondering?? It can't be??! I'm worried that I'm gonna get addicted to em - an they taste vile and bored - let's not even go there ay!!? How can ya write or review when ya are wizzed up?? Can ya imagine the rubbish that's in my head right now - Lordy !! Writing would be a nightmare - it'd be like a drug crazed Poe meets I dunno gordon naffin brown !!? In high heals n suspenders !!! My bodies a temple - folk walk all over me an play with my bell - dya see the stuff that fills ya head when your on drugs - can ya imagine it in verse !!?....it's not good I've a doctors appointment on Thursday - I hope he's not gonna mess with me - I dunt like touchy feely doctors - I'm okay with the stethoscope n blood pressure stuff but all that 'let's tap ya chest' palava - err no !!! I don't think so sunshine 'your hands are cold n your not my type marra!!' is my thought - why do they alway ask ya ta day 'ahhh'? I can say oooooo as well - and eeeee -very very strange behaviour if ya ask me I'm wondering dya think it's the drugs that'er making me anxious an frustrated can't seem ta settle ... Hmmm do long as me weee doesn't turn green I guess things ul be okay - if it does I'll soo A.v votin - what a total waste of time and energy ay??!! and party political broadcasts !!? Utter twaddle !! No-one gives a monkies about it - I'm thinking everyones more interested in the raised taxes bestowed upon em!!! They're sending out leaflets ta explain it all - what % of the population is actually gonna sit n read it?? - like 0 they must think we're all numpties haha ya have ta hand it ta government don't ya - the shows if feigned interest in what they're saying n doin - kinda makes ya think they're really bothered dunt it haha yeh right - and my names Brenda - Hahahaha  |
| 18th April 2011 11:11 am |
| What makes a house a home?? It's decor? Furniture ? The smell of the new linen ?? Pets ? Or garden perhaps - the bolt hole ta escape to for peace and rest!! It's kinda strange how relaxed we feel around our homes, notice I didn't say "house" because the places we live take on a character of their own-some might suggest that 'homes' smile when they look upon them ?? An I guess that true 'in a way!' but they're more than just a place of rest - they're a place of saftey - 'your castle and keep' you can lock ya door and you're totally secure  So I was kinda thinkin of this notion could be related to life ...? Like "what actually makes a life worthy of living?' - family? Children? Hobbies? Faith ? You know everyone has faith in sumat - if not god then themselves right? Friends? Achievments?...stuff we do to make us proud of ourselves - a little 'selfworth!' I'm not sure that anyone goes through life without a goal...even the homeless have goals - their next meal, a safe place ta sleep at night... So, I'm thinking it's the stuff we collect through life that make it worth while - kinda like buying ornaments or nick naks to show off - but I'm thinking there's more - cos we kinda look forward ta stuff don't we?... Set our sights on things or places and people !!? ..holidays and such - it keeps ya getting outa bed for work when you're tired an run down doesn't it??... We're a fair fickle race - it seems we need reasons ta do stuff - insentives!! - some more than others though |
| 11th April 2011 05:25am |
| Must have been really tired last night - slept through ! Strange cos I don't usually ?? And the dawn chorus is well underway - birds singin I think this time of day is without doubt the best - the peacefulness of it really shows itself - it's very calming ... Noise without the frustration of everyday life... I'm going back ta sleep Night all sweet dreams susanna where ever ya are |
| Friday 8th April 20:10pm |
| Just finished the ride ta work - 8 mile in 30 mins kinda getting close ta 50 mile in 3 hours ain't it!!? So anyways, how many flies dya reackon ya can eat in thirty mins on the road - ? Well I'm tellin yas - it's loads ! Kamikasi flies! Lemmins ta the slaughter! An everyone makes ya wretch as it hits the back of ya throat - yummy protiens for my tummy errrr so anyways - been thinkin taday about the perfect uptopia! The perfect life as - well as I could make it - the bliss of living life in peace and ease without worry or cares... I see people ad I'm out and they 'appear' ta be happy weather single or as couples!!...and it makes me think it's possible - and then I reflect upon my life - and it's spiraling ways - and I get ta thinking that it's maybe not so possible I hear people suggest that you have work hard in life - and this makes me angry because I don't think there's anyone out there that doesn't work hard .... I favour that some people are fortunate in that they are gifted with knowledge or with there hands and ideas - and then there are those who just 'work' hard either way we all work hard - and it's annoying ta think that people believe they work harder than others !!? I don't believe they do... Would I be doing what I'm doing now if I had my way? Probably not!...I heard someone say that ya have ta speculate ta occumulate !!..what if the only thing ya gave ta speculate with are words in a page or the ideas that you speak!!??... Can ya still speculate ? Not so easy then is it,?? So I'm thinkin - am I completely stuffed in life ?? The lady I truly truly love is leaving to go back ta her home land 'i think?' I'm sure it's true - people would say it for nothin!... And I've nothing at all ta offer her...except the words that I speak and write - the music I can play and the good deeds that I do!!.. So - the utopia is this - I'm not perfect - but then who is?...but my thoughts are true as is my heart - but it's just not enough!!! And I still don't know what I did or said that was wrong?? And I'll bet ya my top E string it had nothing ta do with me being 'too nice!' ... And this then is the utopia I live in - the most perfect world!!! Spectacula isn't it ? |
| 7th April 2011 09:55am |
| Did ya ever have someone smile or look atvya strangely?, someone who 'pertains' to be your friend?? I had this yesterday from this 'lady' I know - and I've ta say that it's not the first time she's done this - other times she offers me an attitude - I have ta say that I've a really really bad temper - I'm cool with most stuff, but when my cage is rattled you'd best run!!! So I have this lady pushing my buttons??!! I can't think what her problem with me is - I'm polite and courteous ! why would anyone wish ta make someone out ta be a fool ? I'm nobodies fool !! It's how she looked at me yaknow ? It's not right!! So I'm thinkin next time she does this to me I'm gonna make her cry!! I'm gonna put her straight - have her feet touch terra firma!...the verbal wake up call ! Some folk reackon that they are bullet proof don't they - let's see if she is ay?.. I'm thinkin no!!! |
| 4th April 2011 18:05pm |
| Tadays gym venture was fun though I'm totally done in - the 20 min run was more like a sprint, the 20 mins on the rowing machine left me wonderin where my arms went (I couldn't feel them) and the 3 sets of press ups basically looked like me lying on the foam mat what's funny is when ya try ta turn the stearin wheel on ya car - I couldn't hardly lift my arms up to the wheel !!!?? Pathetic aren't I?? Haha the other funny thing is this - I bought some beer a while ago, an it's Sittin on the work surface in the kitchen 'winking at me' what a total tease ? It's like a freaky alice in wonderland thing - when I walk by them they whisper 'drink me!' the other killa is my dad is drinking them !!! How unfair is that? So the training is well underway and Im confident I'll complete the course - I don't think I'll be able ta do the course in 3 hours or less, it's far far to much ta ask - but I'm not thinking of limping around either - clearly I have ta be realistic and realise my limitations I think once I've done this the test should fall into place... Tomorrow I'm gonna get the bike on the road and do some road work see if I can build on tadays work always in the back of my mind is the suffering of cancer patients and my friends wife's death - a tragic needless end to life!! this is my imputus |
| 5th April 2011 06:40am |
| This entry is gonna seem very strange ta everyone - last night I was told something about 'someone' and it's kinda knocked me for 6 and so for a while I'm just gonna sit and cry.... I couldn't even begin ta say how upset I am - other than - I just can't believe it ? And I know there's nothing I can do ta change the result of what I know... It's taken over 18 months for mw ta get my head around the first blow - this one ...I just don't think I'll ever get over this And once again - all I can say is - why? Why didn't she say this to me - I'd have understood do much more ?...and now this!! I never knew the reasons of her being over here - it all kinda makes sense, although she told me it was because she married - I guess the reason she stayed was the reason I found out - surely she doesn't have ta do this though?...it's shockingly bad - shockingly bad! Well it's just totally unfair and I don't think I can deal with it I can't believe this |
| 3rd April 2011 11:39 am |
| Really really tired taday - work was a real joy again first day in the gym yesterday ta build up for the 'bike ride' sounds really quaint doesn't it ?..50 miles of virtual up hill climbs - nothing really quaint about it really is there - I'm sure they could think of somethin more fitting - any ways it was my induction - it went smoothly, I've been in gyms loads when I was younger and also with my eldest son - do I went in and listened, and finally had a go - I did a circuit and then ran for an hour on the tred mill - 8.5 km .... It was one of those times when I could have ran and not stopped !!? I'm thinking I could have done 16 km over two hours easily - trouble is, it's afterwards where you feel it - exercising old muscles into doing stuff they really don't wanna be doing is a pain barrier ya have to break - so after I woke in the evening I found what were once willing leg muscles ta be sumat that just wanted ta lie down n give in hahaha work was a nightmare everytime I bent down I was secretly goin arrrh ! tonight I'll stretch before I ride and then hopefully ride through it...'hopefully' i've made a list of the stuff I need ta get (another wish list) things like an all weather jacket in case it rains and peddal stirrups so I can pull and push through the revolutions - maybe even a helmet? In case I fall Off - thus kinda stuff! Doesn't look like I'll get em till next month though so training is gonna be even harder ... Clearly I need ta pick my days for the road -!- I also don't wanna resort myself ta just ridin ta work - the course isn't long enough - I need ta build my stamina and get used ta long hill climbs - there are loads on the races course ! Building leg muscles in the gym is one thing - hardening them off tobthe reality of a real hill is another!!!! My diet is another real conscern for me - carb intake before is essensial -!- and I don't like pasta /-( the main carb food stuff - I may have ta force it down me if I don't wanna get Ill in the race - as is protiens - I'm fair okay here I love fish foods so no worries - it just the carbohydrates - so far it's been baked beans all the way ! ( n I can do without the jokes here !) hahaha what have I let myself in for ? At the moment I'm fair confident - the aim is ta just the course - forget the times !! It's going ta be really really hard ... |
| 31st march 2011 04:03am |
| Hmmm I kinda feel a little s***ty at the moment - I'm watching a documentary called the 'bismark and the hood' it's an account of the ww2 german war that sank the english battle ship hood - and the quest ta find the remains of the bismark and discover who had finally sunk her -- weather it was a german skuttling or in fact the English attack upon her... Once again 'as a pasifist' I'm reminded that two wrongs don't make a right - even in times of war I believe this ta be true - hense the geneva convention ! - so from the 2000 crew that maned the bismark 800 went into the water - and from those 100 were saved !!? The attack was so relentless that even our own ships fired upon our planes ta ensure the 'kill' was an act of revenge!? They say that war is bloody, and of course it is - but when men go into the water and are in need of being saved - do we just save a small portion of them ? and im guessing it's details like this that bring home the horrors of war - the kill or be killed idea of it - the notion of the 'us and them' attitude ! is it really surprising that there is so much hatred between our two nations ? Kinda makes me feel a little sick |
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