So, it's been ages since I've written, or even logged onto the site. The reason is because...I've been working! Well, that's not the entire reason, but it's part of it.

As of October, I have been writing a nonfiction astrophysics research blog for a major museum. I've also been freelancing at Space.com, which is a website for astronomy and space news. Unfortunately, the two alone aren't enough to pay all of the bills. Lately, I've been working on putting cold calling a number of physics & astronomy departments at universities across the country. I have a few possibles and some definite other leads that have stemmed from these contacts. More positives than negatives. One university said that they were considering hiring me to write some of their online curriculum. Most, of course, are struggling with budget cuts. Still, more positives than negatives.

I actually am here because I need to think. And you know me, I think best when I'm writing!

As you may or may not recall, I homeschool my four kids, and I'm on the other side of a divorce. I'm trying to find something to do that I love that I can stay at home with. Write now, I'm seriously assaulting the astro-writing arena, since my degree is in both Creative Writing and Astrophysics.

I'm trying to seek stability, so I'm looking for something ongoing, but essentially freelancing. That means I can still work at home, but have a little assurance. I'm not sure how well that is going to work, though. I'm considering applying for a position as science writer at a major university (one of the astro depts I cold-called told me about the opening). My only worry is that they're going to want someone full time. However, I may be able to make it work if I can convince them to let me work mostly from home. It's essentially a PR position, so I may be able to teleconference most of what I need to do. I also have several alumnae leads from my college. I'm going to...okay.

Listing out what needs to be done has helped me. I've been kind of scatter brained. I'd like a good lead on both. With that in mind, I'm going to sit down tomorrow and make out the applications for the above-mentioned positions (or cold calls). I'll have them in the mail Weds at the earliest. Once I have that done, I'll go back to freelance searching.

What I've been doing, essentially, is mailing - yes, snail-mailing - resumes and cover letters out, then following up a week later with a phone call. So, I'm keeping the batches small because I want to be sure I follow up. Essentially, I have a two week cycle, and I'll keep that going. In between, I'll seek out more freelancing opportunities.

The other thing I need to sort out and organize is various markets, online and off. These I need to pitch features to. I feel a little nervous about that; however, the reading and research I've been doing is going to help, I think. Some of the articles will be pitched as deadlines loom a little closer, so I'll make a note of them on my calendar. Or in a notebook. Something. I'll have to think about that a little more.

It's funny. I try all kinds of things, but writing is what really helps me crystallize my thoughts.

And on the plus side - I'm so totally published, and totally getting paid for it besides. Writing about astronomy, which I so totally love. I just need to amp it up a few more notches to keep the money rolling in.

And I also need to come up with some good features to pitch to magazines like Sky & Telescope. But I'll get there....
 

Alright, while I'm in a good spot for the novel, I have to admit I'm a little back-and-forth on my plans. Real, concrete work versus following my dreams.... There is a lot to be said for both at this point. Frankly, I really want to do the novel, and the situation is more ideal for it now than it ever will be, but I also have to be practical. So, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to put it off for a little bit, although I will snatch bits and pieces here and there, as I go. I am trying to get a position as an online Calc & Physics tutor, and I'm putting out some ads to do it in real life, which means charging more (like, $30/hr versus $10), but is less reliable in terms of customers. To do that, I'm doing some quick calc refreshers, brushing up, so I can get the position. So I'm going to go study - which, nerdily enough, I actually enjoy - and then figure out how to fit the writing into it.

I think, ideally, I'll put out tutoring times from 7 til late, which is prime time. So, once I've finished studying/brushing up, I can write during rest time.

Anyway, we'll see how well that goes. I dunno. I'm feeling kind of pessimistic about several things at the moment, and I'm not certain why. It's kind of a sudden pessimism, too. But I do enjoy the whole math-nerd thing, so it's not terribly bad. I was studying the calc last night, and it made me feel "smart". Sad, isn't it?

Anyway.
 

I don't know what the deal is.I am yet again exhausted. I think I have my depression under control, I'm doing good as far as emotional stability, I'm not upset about anything. I've been exercising and drinking more water. I went to bed at 10 last night and actually fell asleep. And yet, here it is 1.30 and I'm exhausted.

I think I need to make some lifestyle changes. More veggies, and cut out the soda. Those will be tough but I can't deal with this. It's driving me crazy. I am physically exhausted right this minute, and I don't know why. I'm going to check out some diet books and change my diet significantly. Or something. I don't know. I've been productive the last two days, I got up and out of bed, and now I feel tired to my very bones. It's discouraging.

I'm going to lay here and read. Not nap, not write, but read. I'm going to cut out sodas completely; I'll finish the one I already started and that will be it. I'm going to bed at 10 from now on. I'll continue exercising and drinking water. I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of being so exhausted.

My doc checked my blood a few months ago for thyroid problems and had nothing. So, I dunno.

edited to add: After some Facebook posts and some thoughts, I think the problem is...wait for it...I think I'm having a sugar crash. I eat a very unhealthy breakfast of cocoa-something, while my kids get only healthy cereal. So, I think I'm going to have to make the switch to something healthier instead.

On my walk this morning, I engaged in some serious thinking. The exhaustion was part of it - although apparently it wasn't enough to overcome it today - but also about my attitude. I have a very defeatist attitude. I think, to some extent, I'm scared to finish my novel and make the effort to get it published because then I would have to face the fact that I may not be as good a writer as I think I am. I had this conversation with a friend a few months ago about MENSA. He wanted to know why I didn't apply, and - without even thinking about it - I said, because if I don't get in, it means I'm not as smart as I think I am. It was kind of a 'wow' moment, and I'm wondering if that is where I am with my writing.

Of course, IQ is a number. A novel is a judgment call. Just because one editor doesn't think I'm good doesn't mean I'm not. I'll repeat that mantra in the coming months. But still, the novel is ones heart and soul, and to have it rejected - the thought makes me shudder.

Anyway, I made another decision. I'm going to stop focusing on word count and page number, except at the end of the week. Fridays, I'll go through and tally things up. It would be nice to have finished 20,000 words a week, but I'm not going to stress about it. I'm not even going to keep track of what page I'm on in my notebook, which will be kind of difficult. I'm going to resist the urge to look back and count what I've done for the day. Also going to be difficult. But I need to focus more on the writing and less on the numbers.

So, now that I've taken care of that, I'm going to go write. It's 5.39, and my kids are gone until about 8; all four of them. That gives me two good hours, and I may continue on after bedtime for at least another hour. I'm going to make some changes in how I do things, and we'll see if that helps.

Ugh. I hate oatmeal for breakfast.
 

I've come to a life realization, and I'll share what part affects my writing. I am tired of moping over what could have been, and I am done with it. It would be nice if things had worked out with my ex-husband, it would be nice if the current emotional crisis could have been resolved the way I wanted it to, but it didn't. I am through with letting other people determine my emotional state. I have an awesome life, I have four amazing kids. Yes, it's tough, but life is tough. We all get through it. Some of us take longer than others. I am done with allowing other peoples' issues to interfere with what I love doing.

I love writing. Yes, it is now a job, which makes it, by default, harder. But still, I love doing it, I would rather do that than work in an office 40 hours a week. Although it is interesting. I think I am learning that, as far as jobs go, I prefer the editing and research and technical writing of writing about space and science. That is a little more varied and forces me to think, and to clarify, and I enjoy that. So, in a few more years, maybe, that's what I'll work on. But for now, I am staying home, and that means putting some fiction together.

Although. I am seriously thinking. I would love to...I don't know. I am considering applying for a job. Applying doesn't mean getting, and it would keep my options open. The worst thing that could happen is that I could get it, right?

It's two o'clock, which means I really only have two hours until my kids are up. I could spend that time putting together a resume to send, putting together some clips. Or I could write. I don't know.

I am looking at this and thinking, if I got the job, it would affect other people. It could affect them. However, they are not my concern. They can deal with their own lives. And if I fail to get the job, well, then it's all for naught, isn't it? There is no point in worrying over what could happen. I think I am going to do this, and if it works out, fantastic. If it doesn't, well, that's fine, too. I will move on. Also, there is a position in Atlanta that I was looking at applying for. I can still manage that.

So. I am not writing today. I am going to apply for a job in NYC. Is that crazy or what? But it is a job I would love to have. Tonight, I will write. I will write my ever-loving heart out. But today, I'm going to put together the application, and start the process. What is the worst that can happen? Rejection. Well, I've been fairly well rejected lately, so I think I'll be fine.
 

I don't know what is going on with me, but I just feel exhausted all of the time. And this with constant exercising, which is supposed to make me feel like I have more energy! I tried waving it off to physical exhaustion, but the truth is, I feel emotionally wrung out. I know all the 'why's, it's not like it's confusing. But. It's hard to do something as creative and emotionally taxing as writing when I feel like my heart is exhausted. I know that's an excuse, but I don't even care. I just want to go back to bed.

I'm trying to get myself excited about my novel again, but I don't seem to be having much luck. I'm lacking the self-discipline to write my way through it when I am worn out. I am trying to decide if I am, in fact, going to fail with this plan. Maybe I will have to try a few other options and work on the novel in my spare time, until I get to be more disciplined. I hate that I have the whole thing mapped out and am failing on the writing part. Especially since I have done it once. It's not confidence: I know I can do this, and I know I'm a good writer. And I know, in terms of income, that I need to do this, or something else. But...I don't care. That's bad.

In reality, I can survive on the child support. Further income would only serve to give me something to fall back on, for emergencies or for having, like, a life, or for retiring. I know my kids won't starve.

I hate settling. I hate giving up. But at the moment, apparently, I am a quitter. I am exhausted. I feel like I've gone through the wringer. I don't know what it is about me, at the moment, but I feel...I don't know. I just don't really feel, much. I feel almost dead inside, and everything I have, I'm giving to the kids. I'm trying to keep the house clean and the schoolwork going and the hugs for everyone, and I just don't have much desire or energy to do much else, honestly. And it sucks, because I need to, I need to get off my ass and do it, either write or find other work, but I just don't care.

I feel fractured. I feel like every one of my emotions is sectioned off, partitioned, separate. I feel...I don't know exactly what I feel, but I don't like it much at all.

But I don't care enough to do anything about it, really.
 

I know. It is a mystery how I can be such a slacker. The whole week, gone. I really did do some thinking but, honestly, I probably could have managed it all by sitting down and...thinking. And maybe writing my way thru it in my other book. /sigh I slacked off. That said, I did manage to work my way through my good excuse, some personal issues. I feel more confident about a few other plans I've got going on. I'm trying to make a decision on whether or not to apply for a job. I went away for the weekend - that's my excuse for Friday and Saturday, anyway.

And I really did get some good input on my side plot. Well, not input, but thought process. I should probably be over there.

You know. This walking is getting to me. Like, I am tired again. I woke up this morning and walked, and now I feel physically exhausted. What is up with that? I don't know. I have no energy. It makes it hard for me to focus my brain. I know that I need to, and I'm trying right now to get it back in focus, but I'm having a hard time. It's 1:30, and I'm seriously considering taking a nap, which I know is a terrible idea.

So, on a side note, I am starting to get excited about the next novel, which is a good thing, but also not helping with this one. And I have a tentative idea for the one to follow. In terms of ideas, I am doing good. It's the actual work that I seem to be lacking in.

I dunno. Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a full-time novelist. I seem to lack the dedication to the writing, or maybe it's the self-discipline. Yeah. I am sorely lacking in self-discipline. There is a way to fix that, of course. Write. It's not complicated. I don't know what the problem I'm having is. Yes, there are a lot of personal issues going on, but that's life.

I don't know. Maybe I'm self-sabatoging. Maybe I'm just a twit. All I know is, the thought came to my head: go lay down and think about why you're out to sabatouge yourself and your writing.

Yeah. Cuz that'll work.
 

Had a good walk today. I've spent the last few days really letting things simmer. One of the problems I've been dwelling on was fitting this new villain in. I mean, in some ways, he's very much like the problem I had with Alex. That is, Alex comes in at the beginning and the end, but not so much in the middle. This guy is the solution, but he's so action oriented, and because we are thinking he is following Alex's directions, we don't get to learn a lot about him. I don't like that. So. I have been playing with how to make him a little deeper. I have some good setups on how to involve him, and I've really thought about him from a background perspective, but I wanted to have the opportunity to show him to the audience. And so, I think I'm going to figure out how to write a few scenes from his point of view.

I'm not completely certain of the best way to do that. And I have to let information about him out sparingly. That is, I want to keep us thinking he is Alex's tool, more than anything. I'm not completely certain, then, how to best write him in. I also figured out how to "sneak" him in: I'll refer to him by his first name when he's introduced to Alex and Jonathan, and his last name when he's chasing down Caroline & Jonathan, and we'll figure it out later.

So. I need to think about what kind of things I can reveal about him. I think I can reveal that he believes they came back in time to stop something. Except. If Alex sent them back, he wouldn't think that. Okay. So he can think that he has to STOP them before they change something. That would work, and would be a valid reason for Alex to send said guy back. I can reveal his concern about his son, and the mistakes he made with him, and how he would do anything for his son. In fact, I bet I can even notate that he is there because of his son; it would make sense that would be why he would go back in time. We can imply that he was told something by Alex - although he wasn't, but I can set up the implication with careful wording - and that was why he went back. I don't want to lie to the audience, so I have to walk that line carefully. I do think we can make it clear that he would do anything to protect his son, so that the audience knows that, for him, it is all about his son. Perhaps he can imply that they already DID change something, and he wants to stop them before they do it. That makes sense. In fact, given the fact that their presence would change a number of things...

Anyway. I have to think a little more about the best way to put this new villain into the story. I like his reasoning behind everything.

In the meantime, I am continuing to fake out my life. I'm moderately effective at it, too, which is kind of sad. I hate the fact that I have lost my best friend, even if he admittedly isn't all that good of a friend. But, whatever. I deserve better, and all that hoopla. /sigh

Tomorrow, I'll be writing again, like it or not. Oh, and I came up with an excellent exchange between Alex and the new villain, at the very beginning, that lays the groundwork. Although, as I think about it, it could well be too obvious. Hmmm. I don't know. It's a good line. We'll see what it gives away later, I suppose.
 

When I went out Wednesday, and spent five hours at the pool, I wound up massively sunburned. Like, everything hurts sunburned. So I haven't done a lot of work. Also, I went out Weds night and spent a couple hours talking to friends; I was out til like 4. Between what I put together from that trip, real life, and my new subplot, I have mostly just been letting things simmer in my brain yesterday, and I think I'm going to continue to do so today.

Personal, non-writing-wise, I think I've come an amazingly long way in the last year. And even further in the last two months. I owe a lot of that to a close friend, to someone who really built me up more than anyone ever has, and helped me feel more confident about myself. And I owe some to several new friends - real and "online" - who have helped me get through my latest heartbreak. Because I think I'm finally getting to the point where I feel in my heart what I already knew in my head.

One of my biggest problems has always been that I invest too soon in relationships of any kind - friendship or more. And, granted, I expect too much. And I react too poorly when things don't work out. I take it as a personal criticism. I've known for years that this is the case, that I am way too sensitive, that I should be more confident. But seriously. The other day, one of my friends said that it was a turning point in her life when she realized that her husband finding someone else attractive didn't make her any less attractive. And I realized, she's right. (Now granted, her husband is constantly telling her she's attractive, which is way better than him oogling someone else and never commenting on her, but that's another story.) Someone telling me that a relationship not working does not automatically mean that it is a criticism of me. Or of them. It means they are a square, and I am a circle, and me not being square doesn't make me less an awesome circle. (I get very concrete sometimes.) The fact that my marriage of ten years didn't work out doesn't mean that I am any less of who I am. It means him-and-I aren't all that great, but I am still pretty awesome. I'm about 75% there emotionally, and I'm going to keep going in that direction.

What does this have to do with writing? It makes for some awesome character sketches, let me tell you. It is my "excuse" for not getting anything done yesterday, or today, although I am doing some visualizing and mapping of my subplot. I know that things work out smoother if I let them kind of simmer for awhile before I put them on the table, because I can imagine them out. I think it will help me when I get rejection letters - I know they are coming. I think one of the best comments I heard at the OSC writing conference was to the effect of "They weren't rejecting my novel. They hadn't read my novel. They were rejecting my query letter." Yup. And just because it doesn't/won't fit in one publishing house's plan doesn't make it any less good, and just because it doesn't get snatched up instantly doesn't make me any less an awesome writer.

When I find something I feel passionate about, I put my heart into it. Whether it is writing or a relationship. And unlike some people, I am unable to make the immediate decision to withdraw. I have to move into it slowly, and even once I know and feel it is the right decision, even if that person hurt me, I don't stop caring about them. It takes time for me to reclaim my heart, it really does.

There's a story in there somewhere....
 

Every elementary creative writing student is taught, “Write what you know.” Writing comes the best when it comes from your experiences, when you’ve touched, and tasted, and felt. At that point, you can invest your entire self into the prose. And yet, this seems oxymoronic, because there are a whole generation of science fiction writers who have never been into space, of crime writers who have never murdered, of Jane Austin love stories written by a single woman. How does this happen? Because not only do I know what I know, I also know what you know.

Writers are probably some of the best observers in the world. We people watch to the nth degree. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that we are some of the best listeners, some of the best friends. Combine those skills with an active imagination (not to mention superb writing and editing skills) and you have a novel.

Which leads me to my warning. If you have a friend who is a writer, it should be automatic for you to know that they are always, always asking themselves how they can use what you tell them. Not first, and not foremost. When I listen to my friends, I listen because I am interested in what they are saying. Because I care about them. But when they tell me something interesting about themselves or their past, I can’t help but think, wow, that would make an awesome story. Or a terrific novel. If your writer friend is a decent person, this all comes after the friendship stuff; after they are there for you in your pain, after they learn about your past, after they laugh with you about your mistakes, and after they think you are an amazing person.

But as a writer, I can’t shut off that part of me that writes a great story. I’ll take a friend’s past and worst-case-scenario it. It may be major drama. It may be minor character development. The other day, a friend told me about their journey from lacking confidence to being totally self-confident. I thought the transformation was awesome. I listened and was glad for them. I listened and thought, I could learn from that. And I listened and thought, one day I’m going to have a character who is going to take a similar journey.

As a writer, I am first and foremost a friend. I would never write a story or novel that was obviously based on someone I know. I would never write “this story is based on what my friend such-and-so told me.” I’ll change people, places, and names, and keep the situations. Or change the situations and keep the personalities. The names will never be the same.

Writers are fantastic observers. What we write comes from the world around us. From the guy at the Laundromat. From the people at the mall. From a story on the news or in a science journal. But not surprisingly, we draw from the people we know best, from our friends and family. We write what we know.

 

Yesterday's Word Count: ~2,000
Total Word Count: ~18,650

Now I know that someone I know in real life is reading my blog. Well. That doesn't make me self-conscious. Not at all. Um. Yeah.

So, I mentioned in the last post that I didn't get a lot written yesterday but I was okay with it. Today was similarly unproductive, but I told you it would be! I overslept this morning. But I took a walk while my ex was...I dunno what he was doing. Taking a shower, I think. He woke up and cleaned the basement because some woman came over to look at the like 75 boxes of books that were sitting down there. She offered us $50 for them. We're holding out for $100. Fail all the way around. I hate the stupid bookselling business, still. My ex asked me if I would take $50 and I said, I'd rather not, but I don't want to deal with the books anymore! I just want them to be blown up.

Spent today with two small biz owners (one small biz between them). One of them tried to persuade me that I put too much stress on myself, too much focus on words. So, just so everyone knows, the majority of my blogging is a warm up before my writing, so I'm hyping myself up. But also, my real intent at the moment is to work in a time period. I may not be able to force productivity but I certainly will inspire more if I'm sitting at my laptop or my notebook than I will playing Warcraft. Just saying....Also they told me that they've been reading my blog. Two years back. What the heck was I writing two years ago? Now I have to go find out.

So, this morning's walk was very effective. I figured out some things about my new subplot, which was awesome. Worked out some things I need to edit in my head. I need to sit down and chart it out, but I haven't yet. That will be part of what I do tomorrow, I suppose. I'll pull out the 3x5 cards and make a map similar to Caroline and Jonathan's. Then I can post them side-by-side. I brought the guy in who will be the "evil" villain at the beginning of the novel, so I'm going to have to edit some of his comments, but that's okay. Anyway, I'm excited about having that cleared up. I don't know if I'll wind up needing another subplot, but for crying out loud, at least the three middle sections won't be all talk. I still have to figure out the best way to mesh the action and the dialogue. Because really, the dialogue would be better served centered around the action. If they were constantly on the run from this villain...ugh. This is a whole new dimension to my novel. I'll definitely spend tomorrow pondering it. And mapping it. And wandering around my kitchen talking to myself.

Okay. I am not kidding. I am now going to go skim two years' worth of my blog entries to see what I said. Because I'm totally that weird.