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Entry #598780, added on 07-27-08 @ 4:11 pm EDT
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Entry #598780

I think I'm going completely insane. I've feared going insane for years and years and I think it's finally happening. Michelle thinks that I'm just cycling but I'm not. That isn't it. I miss the kids so much and want them home but then when they are home things are so tense around here because she just snaps so quick. I have tried to talk to her about it but it doesn't make any difference. She is going to continue to be the way she is. When they aren't here, things are okay with us. With the exception of the past week we haven't fought at all.
Everything just seems so dark and I'm tired. There isn't anything I want to do. I do everything I'm supposed to do but it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything.
I go and work out which I love to do but I have to force myself to leave the house and the only reason I even do it now is because I've lost about 10 pounds and don't want to re-gain that and it's probably my imagination but my arms look thinner.
I write. That's my passion but lately I can't even do that. I have stories in my head of what I want to write but actually doing it is another story. I'm just too tired.
I clean the house and I cooked Michelle three, four? different meals and saved them all in containers for her to take to work so she wouldn't be hungry. Has she brought ANY of them? No. My work was for nothing.
I take care of the animals.
I don't want to have another baby any more. Not like I had a big choice there.
I go back to classes on the 25th and I'm not even looking forward to that.
I'm supposed to be going to Mississippi in Sept and normally I'd be planning the vacation and unable to stop thinking about it. But I just don't feel like it.
I love smoking weed but haven't even done that for weeks now. I have stopped asking people for it or trying to buy any. I just don't feel like it.
I have salvia to smoke if I want to but I haven't even smoked that for several weeks now.
No food sounds good to me and I love to eat.
I don't want alcohol.
Even cutting myself is too much of an effort right now. And that was one of my coping mechanisms back in the day.
I have no sex drive. Zero. I hate that because sex was a big part of who I was. Finally Michelle has a sex drive and now I don't.
I don't feel like talking to anyone or being around anyone.
I keep doing all the things that therapists over the years have told me to do. "Do the things you enjoy even if you don't feel like it." So I do. It doesn't help. It's not changing anything. It's not lifting anything.
I'm mad at Michelle and I don't even know why. I feel like there is something she isn't telling me or something that she's doing. That's insane because she's never been anything but trustworthy. I don't know where this feeling stems from.
Everything is just so dark to me. I live in a world that I don't belong in. I'm an outsider. I've always been an outsider. There's no way to change that. I try to fit in places but I'm always just going to be "the poor kid" or invisible. It wasn't even so much that I was picked on in school, years ago. It's that I was just not seen. I was invisible at home. No matter how many times I sat silently screaming for help and begging someone to notice me, no one ever did.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of living 32 years in a bipolar world. I'm tired of being an outcast. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of being invisible. I'm tired of being insane and trying to fake sanity. I identify more with the world of the mentally ill than I do with the world in which I reside.
Every suggestion given to me is moot. I've already done that. I've already tried that. I keep trying. I am only living second by second now. I am on the edge of a cliff holding on by only one strand of hair. I can feel myself slipping from it but it takes so much strength to just hold it. I just don't have that strength anymore. I want a new world. I want a new life. I want to feel peace.
I'm not discontent anymore. I'm not dissatisfied any more as Michelle thinks. There's nothing to be discontent about. I only want to be with her, I'm content with the boys, I don't want to move any more, I don't want to change jobs, I dont' even want to change to a different vehicle. All the major aspects of my life are covered and logically and emotionally I'm fine with them. I just don't want to do this any more. I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of not keeping food down. I'm tired of just wanting to sleep. I'm tired of everything being such an effort. I'm tired of not having inner peace. I've searched for it for years and never found it. Maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe for people like me, it doesnt' exist. Maybe that's a luxury left for the ones who weren't cursed with emotional disturbances. How do you fix a problem when you aren't sure what the problem is? There's nothing left to fix. Michelle is financially stable now. She is gainfully employed and her truck is in good working condition. She'll be able to have all rules the ways she wants them and I'm sure James will still let her see the boys because he knows between the two of us, she's the sane one. It's not even necessarily that I want to die, I just want to cease to exist. I want to have never existed in the first place. Like my dream with Ashley Dawn. She was there and then she was gone. I didn't wonder where she went, it was just something accepted. I only hold on to that strand because of the boys. I don't want them to be upset or hurt. But at the same time, I have to wonder what's better having me for a mother or having a chance at a life without insanity? They may not realize the depth of my mindsets but just like I did with my own mom, at some point they are going to see that I'm not like other people. My mom always was just the way she was. It wasn't something out of the ordinary for her to scream at us, hit us, or ignore me. I grew up just knowing that being gay was horrible, crying signified weakness, you didn't discuss suicide or tell anyone how you felt, if you close your eyes to problems they go away, and there is no such thing as unconditional love. I didn't fit in with those beliefs at all. I never knew just how crazy she was until I was an adult and would in conversation just talking tell someone something that my mom had said or done. The look on their faces was what made me realize my childhood was not normal. She was not normal. I'm not normal. I don't even know what it'd be like to be normal. I just want peace. That's all. I just want peace.