Entry #668491, added on 09-19-09 @ 11:31 pm EDT
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| Unsuccessful poem/poet | Entry #668491 |
Why I struggle as a writer/poet lies within an unfinished poem that I look over and over on my laptop, waiting for some divine hand to show me the way to its conclusion:
Two hemispheres.
Two parents polar opposite of each other.
I dip into the passion of one
to create with the intellect of the other.
Like a fountain pen dragged
across the wide current that begs
in its gluttonous mood for more,
with much burden,
I frequently cross from one to another.
I bathe in those fountains of psyche,
molding my spirit that yearns,
renewing, yet tearing me down
by each dream I submerge.
The whole while I’m thinking
there’s got to be an easier way to be creative,
always taking this large, circuitous journey
daily around the track
that links these two minds
as one inside of my own.
My parents were very different people with different backgrounds and upbringing. I feel I have struggled all my life to live the best I can by both of their values. I tried too hard to earn respect from my dad which would never come. I didn't pay homage enough to the woman who fought to protect me from his ego that sought to crush me whenever I got in his path.
I'm conflicted even now to express how it feels to be betwix two entities that have guided me through life, without ever finding a true path of my own to follow. I fear I will fail my own children if I don't get my act together. I want to have purpose, direction in this life before I lead. Too often, I yield to my wife. I put too much pressure on her to pick up the slack when I am afraid of making the wrong decisions for our family.
I was hoping a return to writing would open some avenues, show me the way. I idle over the simplest tasks, fear taking on the bigger projects. I avoid the potential for monumental mistakes in search of safe, little victories that get me no further ahead in this battle.
This is all vague drivvel from a blogger no one here truly knows. Many get the gist of my poems and meanings at times, but I feel so one-dimensional here. I'm on this island, pretty much alone, wondering what I should be doing with myself. I waste time, bide time, waiting for some grand inspiration to sweep me up and take me off. Yet, I'm still here.
I've tried to quit this website several times. But, I have nowhere else to go. I don't have much at Helium.com. There's little interaction or community. I could find ways to get involved over there. Guess, it would just feel like starting over. I'm stuck. I need to make my mind up. I wish my two halves could become whole, find this identity I need, so I can pick myself up and move on.
Idling,
Brian |
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