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Created: 2:33pm on 06-18-2008
Modified: 7:59pm on 01-26-2010 | |
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Entry #673883, added on 10-30-09 @ 10:08 am EDT.
[Entry Access Restriction] None.
Title:
Good Friday Morning!
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Normally I really like Friday's - but today I have to clean house that I have not been able to get to all week - kitchen - laundry etc. The house has to be clean because this weekend is court ordered visitation and she might just try to use a dirty house against me.
I don't understand how homes get so dirty in just a few days!!! I would love to hire someone to come in and clean for me - but thats not going to happen anytime soon!
My dentist appointment was ok - nice people - and without insurance its going to cost $4500 to fix 4 teeth!! Well I guess we do what we have to do!
I feel like I am falling apart!! 60 years old and it feels like 160! I guess part of that is my fault - not taking as good care of myself as I should have - kind of let myself go - now I have to fix teeth, loose weight, and take care of a problem that cannot be mentioned here.
I used to exercise everyday - I ate healthy - most of the time - and then it all just started going down hill. I lost so much weight at one time that people were beginning to worry about me for being too skinny!
I guess the last 10 or 11 years have been pretty hard on me. My dad died with Lukemia in 1998 he was such a special person to me it's hard to put into words - the last year of his life was so hard on him and so very painful to watch! Yet he NEVER complained! The last day he was alive - I bent down beside his hospital bed to pick something up off the floor and I looked at him from the corner of my eye and I saw angels hovering over him! They were there with him so I know the escorted him home. He is with Jesus I have no doubt - but I miss him so - they say it gets better - and I don't cry anymore - but I miss him so! He has come to me on several occassions in my dreams in times of stress - maybe I will write about those some day.
My mom died in 2001 from Parkinsons and congestive heart failue. She and I were not what I would call close - I felt like all my life she resented me for some reason. Some times with her were good and some were bad. She taught us well - there were 4 of us kids and she and dad earned every gray hair they had! We were not "bad" kids but we were not angels either! She was in my sisters nursing home for the last two years of her life - my sister was/is the administrator so I know she recieved good care. The last two weeks my sister and I took turns staying with her in the hospital - it was hard watching her slowly drift away from us. I told her that she had been a good mother to me and she had been a good wife to dad. I finally told her it was ok to turn loose and go home to Heaven - that we were going to be fine here until we could meet again. My mom was a Christian - she had accepted Christ as her Savior and really always tried to live for Him. She taught us that too. I sang all of her favorite hymns to her those last two weeks. I have/had a decent voice and people would comment if they heard me how pretty it was. They did not understand that I was singing her soul to heaven - for me anyway that was what I was doing. I like to read the "...Cave Bear" series of books by Jean M. Auel about our earliest Native ancestors. It has stayed with me how they would sing the soul to heaven - now I don't believe that singing makes the soul go to heaven but it is such a nice thought! I don't sing much now and I miss it.
My sister n law/best friend's mother died a few years later - she was like a second mom to me - she was in Connecticut so I could not spend time with her. My sister n law took it hard! She was so close to her mother!
We have always had some sort of touble with my step daughter/husbands adoptive daughter. A troubled kid and councellng etc did not help in anyway - she married several times ending in disaster. Two children from different fathers - one is 18 now and I hope will soon get his life together - but as sad as it is to say - I don't hold out much hope for that. The other child is our little angel here on earth. We have raised her since birth - she has never lived away from us - last year I found out that the mom was planning to come take her away to live the same kind of life she did! She had no place to live - was buming from one couch to another. So we hired an attorney and we have managed to gain custody of her. It was not an easy battle and for the last year and a half - has been hell on earth! But this child - we will fight to the end for her.
You will find a poem about our granddaughter on this site and a poem about how I feel now. I really don't know how I feel now - sometimes my heart feels like it is a stone - I had to turn it to stone in order to save this child from the fate of her brother! Now I don't know if it will ever soften and return to normal. I really do love my step daughter - but I can't allow those feelings to rule what happens to this child. All these years I thought that my step daughter loved me - we would have our disagreements sure - but I really thought she loved me - now I know the hard truth about that - and it is so hard.
Well this started out on cheery note and has turned into this - sometimes when I write it takes on a life of it's own and I don't know where it is going to end.
I really do have to get up and get busy doing what I need to - I promised our little one that when she came home today from school - we would make Halloween candy!! So I have to be prepared!!!!!
I hope all of you are having a good day and maybe I will write more later.
God Bless all of you take care of each other and smile even when you don't want too!
Keep Writing
LW
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