Entry #548554, added on 11-11-07 @ 9:30 pm EST
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| one hit! w00t | Entry #548554 |
There are many reasons why, against all logic, the US Military operates the way it does.
Some say it's politics. Others say that it's to "maintain standards" and "discipline". My explanation? Possessed IBA.
Anyone in the military knows what IBA is; but for civilians reading this, it bears further explanation. IBA is the acronym for "individual body armor", or so they say. It is what those of us wear when we have to worry about big, mean monstrosities dropping from the sky and going "boom". Everyone has one; they are an accountable item; and in the end, if we were being bombarded by giant exploding killer bees, they would serve their purpose.
But nobody knows where they come from. Such is a great mystery. One would imagine they were produced in some factory somewhere, where they were thrown together by machined with bionic eyes and sewing machines for hands, pulled from the ground and sown into their current form using both synthetic and natural fibers.
But I have a darker, more interesting theory. It all started when a loan soldier found an ancient gremoire.
"Within my pages..." spoke the gremoire. "...you will find wisdom and the power to defeat your enemies!"
Well, probably not those words EXACTLY...but you get the picture. Cut me some slack.
Anyway...gripped by fear and the pain of shrapnel fragments tearing through his body, he read the book, which gave detailed instructions on how to build what it clearly stated was Infernal Body Armor.
See, what did I tell you? They only TEACH you that that is what it means!
Over time, the man somehow collected all of the ingredients necessary to create this omnipotent defense. The hair guts of a three-week old possum, the hair off the back of an angry ogre, the pubes of a prostitute, all brought together under a full moon to be soaked in a soup of blood and baby parts and blessed by the most wretched, most foul demons of Hell.
When he put it on, the first thing he felt was what any enlisted member feels: damn, this thing is HEAVY. Not long after, he felt the power, the inevitable rush of evil whispering in his ear. He went into battle, guns blazing, his upper torso immune to the shrapnel, insane with power.
Then he got shot in the head by a comrade, who correctly thought he had gone completely insane. After all, only a crazy man would charge into battle wearing only body armor. And a gun.
Still, hims comrade saw merit in the idea, and IBA began to be mass produced. The new ones were less powerful, but they could still possess the wearer, and with that torment all of enlisted kind.
Which is why exercises always occur in the middle of the night, in the middle of your sleeping schedule. And why they always require you wear Infernal Body Armor! |
© Copyright 2007 Daemon Messiah (UN: daemon_messiah at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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