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Tuesday
February 14, 2012
11:07pm EST


Content Rating Notice:  Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only
  >> Book >> Experience >> ID #930577  |   Show DetailsPrinter Friendly Page Tell A Friend
It Hurts When I Stop Talking
Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins
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Entry #561709, added on 01-18-08 @ 12:33 am EST
   Entry Access Restriction: None.
With God eyesEntry #561709
There are days I must turn God eyes on my life. Lately I have felt weighted by financial burdens. I know so many are strained by the need to keep up the typical materialistic lifestyle. Yet, I have been exposing the core of my problems, and I find that money has little import.The real issue has bubbled up in the out-of-proportion responsibility I place on myself to be the solution to all that comes and goes through my pocketbook.

I have gone so far today as to read my dissatisfaction as a failure to be enough, to do enough to avert common money pitfalls. I allow myself in this thought to live, not only apart from God, but in a belief that I am not enough. It strangles me with anxiety at work. It squeezes out pus-like flashes of anger when I am simply frustrated by my lack of control over my own affairs. I demand expediency and perfection from myself and others out of the resulting fear that others too will think less of me if I cannot keep up in all ways.

And when I am overwhelmed, I wish only a moment of relief and an experience of felt joy. I came close today when I caught the eyes of my dog. He too expected only joy, and this, because of his mindset and oneness with God that comes forth without question. I learned I can also hope to see with the eyes of my dog.

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