Entry #591777, added on 06-18-08 @ 3:00 pm EDT
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| If Only They Knew | Entry #591777 |
It's truly amazing to me at times how much different I am that what I am perceived or even expected to be. Depending upon what circle I am in depends on how I am seen. Keeping in mind of course that I may adapt to a situation but I don't change.
Take my job for example. I am 32. I am not a thin person. I'm not what society considers "beautiful" because I'm not a size 6. Or even an 8, 10, 12, 14, you get the idea. I'm not huge honestly. But I am very aware of the fact that I'm not in shape or small. I work as a home visitor. I see 13 families in their home teaching educational skills for their children and for themselves. I work in my office with allllll women. Not only all women but 80% of them are younger, college graduates, "pretty", small, athletic, "perfect", and most have money and have come from money. None of the above descriptions apply to me. So it only stands to reason that I don't fit in as well as some there. Now you would think that a big ol dyke would love working with so the beautiful people. Not so much. So that's the background. Now then, here's the perceptions that are usually assumed about me. We'll start with my current (and the past employment doesn't vary too far from the current) job:
1. The typical ignorance that I'm usually faced with that because I have children from a past hetero relationship I wasn't born gay. Truth: I was.
2. I wear professional attire to work. Some days this may include a pair of khaki capris and a women's department top (can't bring myself to say blouse) and some days it's a pair of army green slacks and a polo shirt. Because of this, I am perceived as "femme". Truth: At home I wear what I am most comfortable in which is tee shirts and many clothes from the men's section. I feel I look ridiculous in anything else.
3. They see me as a sweet, funny, nice person I'm assuming because I am at work and have to remain professional. Truth: I'm not that nice, way too blunt, and more sarcastic than anything else. I can be very sweet but only when I'm not feeling fucked over by the many people in my life.
4. I'm seen as... how to describe this? I guess meek? Not really meek but maybe a step up from meek. Come on writers, help me out. Truth: With no arrogance intended, I'm one of the strongest people I know. I have my weaknesses no doubt. But I have survived physical, emotional, mental, and sexual abuses. I have overcome alcoholism, drug addictions, and suicidal tendencies. I am the epitome of "been there, done that". Which makes me who I am. No one would have any clue of any of this from looking at me.
5. Because I'm not big on the bragging thing, no one really knows of the multitude of my intelligence. Truth: I don't have my Bachelor's (yet). But I have more life experience than most and a lot of things that are complicated to many come easy to me. I didn't plan it this way it's just the way I was born. 6. The beautiful ones know they are beautiful. Because I'm not society's image of "beautiful" I am considered average at best. Truth: In my LGBT world, I gotta say I'm a hell of a good catch. Without any trying on my part, women fall in love with me. I don't mean for it to happen- this is complete honesty-it just does. Honestly, I'm not sure what they see in me but I've never had a woman (or a man for that matter) that once our relationship was over didn't try to get me to come back. No one from the straight world would see this. They don't understand it. But we have different terms and definitions of beautiful. I am what they are looking for- femmes and butches alike. Don't ask me why- couldn't tell ya. That's just one of the many circles in which I'm perceived to be something I'm not. Don't even get me started on my biological family... |
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Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only
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