Entry #605314, added on 09-03-08 @ 9:13 pm EDT
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| May 17, 2006- Family Life | Entry #605314 |
May 17, 2006 - Wednesday
Family Life
Current mood: distressed
Category: Life
I would like some opinions on something. As almost everyone knows, I am married to the love of my life, Michelle. We are raising our three boys, Koty, Ryley, and Zach. The kids are the product of my first marriage to their father, James. Now then. Little background. James and I were not married or even living together when I had Koty, the oldest. We moved in together when Koty was about 9 months old. We got married when Koty was about two. Ryley was born a year later. When Ry was a year and a half, I left James. Obviously, the kids came with me. I found out I was pregnant with Zach about two months after I left. Our divorce was final a month before Zach was born. Even during the marriage, James was not a hands on father. He did not do the diapering, feeding, bathing, interacting thing. Fast forward five years later. The only reason I get child support is because it is garnished from him and even then it's not even enough to pay for childcare. He gets the boys every other weekend for his visit. The other 28 days of the month they are with Michelle and I. James has never bought them clothes, shoes, school supplies, haircuts, etc. He doesn't know where their school is, who their teachers are, who their friends are, or what their doctor's name is. He's never gone to an appointment or anything. You get the picture. He may love them, this I don't doubt (I mean, how can he not??) but he's only a father, not really a dad. We are their parents in every sense of the word. *Sigh* Now then. Here is my issue.
On the 28th, Zach has to have surgery. His boys havent lowered yet so they have to go in and surgically lower them. Its considered minor surgery though when its your baby, nothing is minor. He will be completely out for this. James is the one who brought it to our attention that Zach needed to be checked out because he didnt think Zach had anything in his sack. Ahem. Anyway, he was right (first time for everything) and so Zach has surgery coming up. James wants to be there for it. Okay. Im okay with him being there since hes the bio father and all but I do not want Michelle shut out because Weekend Dad shows up. You all know that legally Michelle has nothing that protects her parental rights. Despite the fact that she equally takes care of them with me, shes there through the good and the bad, sickness, doctor visits, financially, the whole works. James, who showed up drunk when this very child was being born, has a biological link and therefore more rights even though hes never lived with him, doesnt financially support him, and is only a dad 4 days a month. Does anyone else have similar issues? I know hes their father but Michelle is their parent. She is their mom. I do not want her disrespected in the hospital because both sides of Zachs biological makeup are in the same room. I do not want James and the Redneck Brigade showing up to stake claim in something theyve never taken much interest in before. This is not my imagination either that he would do this. He was the person who never did anything with the kids when we were together but as soon as we were to walk into his parents house, he wanted to carry the baby to show, Look at me, look at me. Im a dad. Its an ego thing for him and a convenience. I havent told James yet when the surgery is. I will. Like the day before. I dont want him there any earlier than necessary. My main concern with this is Michelle. I do not want James, his idiot girlfriend, the hospital, or anyone else disrespecting Michelle. How do I combat this? Can I combat this? How do I make sure that Michelle is respected as Zachs mother without disrespecting James and pissing off an already loose cannon? Any comments, opinions, suggestions?
1:15 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove -
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Super Sly
Michelle needs to walk in that hospital with here head held high, she is there to support her son. He's the one who's going to be uncomfortable. Bio dad is just going to have to be an adult and understand that Zach's parents are going to be there regardless of how uncomfortable bio dad is. The selfishness that people have is unnerving. You all aren't having the surgery, that little man is, regardless of how common it is, it's not for him.
Those boys know who their parents are, they know who's there because they want to be with all of their hearts, and who's obligated. You should try to get in contact with a gay friendly, or gay attorney. The G&L community center should have numbers. Michelle, and those kids deserve their rights to be protected. The boys being parented by their everyday parents would be in their best interests I would say.
With that being said, I hope I didn't overstep my boundries.
Posted by Super Sly on May 17, 2006 - Wednesday 10:40 AM
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who, me?
I agree in part with the other responder, it is for the little man that is going through the surgery, not the little one with the big ego! You should both be there for him and love him just as you do every other of the 364 days of the year! I know it will not be easy, but with me being a single father with no mother or SO in my life to help me raise my daughter, I think that I can tell you for sure that he needs you there, even if you are uncomfortable, myself I hate hospitals, but I would be there in a heart beat if I had to walk over broken glass and hot coals to be there for my daughter, I would think the same would apply to you both and how you feel! so just tell the hospital how it is, let them know that you are a unique family and that there might be the bio father there with the two of you also! that should solve that issure up front! they have to learn sometime! and I would tell the bio, just because that to is the right thing to do, even when it sucks! Just like you let the boys go over every other weekend, its just the right thing to do! Hope it all works out, and give the little man a big hug! I know he must be scared! you grown ups act like it and be strong for him! remember he is the baby, take care of him! then worry about other trivial things later! good luck!
Posted by who, me? on May 17, 2006 - Wednesday 11:15 AM
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Shannen
Angie and Michelle,
Of course with a blog like this, you know I can't help but comment..Now..I know how Michelle feels..I have the same problem. Now don't get me wrong, our James doesn't give a shit either way but legally I am in the same position..But personally you know how I am A and M, I would be spiteful and not call him until like an hour before the surgery..and say..don't forget that Zachs surgery is today.."remember"! I would make it almost impossible for him to get there..but its not like you didn't tell him..or hell for that matter make him think you'd already told him once and then what can he say..? But see...I'm a bitch..so..But anyway..
But I think that your 100% right. Michelle doesn't deserve to get the cold shoulder just because the walking sperm giver arrived. Its not right. But living in this great nation we (non boi moms and kids) aren't protected..So we just have to find the loop holes..and there are some..bet..!Anyway. Thats what I think on the topic. I love you both greatly!
Posted by Shannen on May 17, 2006 - Wednesday 1:02 PM
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Heather
Personally, I am extremely thankful that my "sperm donor" is not, has never been, and will not for a long time be in the picture. But...if I were faced with this same situation...I would call him exactly 30 minutes before surgery was scheduled to begin, and ask him why the hell he wasn't there to support his child (even though I fully neglected to mention the date or time). However, your son is the most important thing to be considered here. Maybe you should give him the choice of having just you and mom #2, or all three of you there. But you definately have the right to demand that your "donor" not bring his redneck support team or dumbass girlfriend. This day is all about your and Michelle's son. On another note... I think it's vitally important that the doctor be made fully aware that you two are the parents and "dad" is only partially financially supportive. Angie, it is my advice that Michelle legally adopt your children as her own as soon as possible. Good luck, my prayers are with you two.
Posted by Heather on May 17, 2006 - Wednesday 4:05 PM
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+ Mel +
My finace's name is Michelle as well so I will just address her as Chelle...Chelle has 2 sons which are from her first and only marriage to her idiot ex-husband Brian. Now her oldest son has to have major surgery on his leg to repair his pigeon toe. He is 12 years old. The situation is a bit turned for us. Brian has custody because shortly after Chelle moved out of their house she lost her job and her apartment and moved in with her dad and her dad suggested that the boys move in with Brian until she got on her feet again. Well, when she handed them over to Brian HE filed for divorce and got custody because she didn't get the paperwork from the lawyer...she didn't know for sure if she was really dicorced from him until a few months ago...We pay $325 a month and have medical insurance for both of them. Brian lives off of Welfare and Student Loans and lives with his grandmother. He never tells us anything about the kids, we have to find out everything from them. We had to contact their teachers and get the boys grades and stuff emailed to Chelle. We live 1,000 miles from them now and he blames Chelle for leaving them. We talked to them extensively about us leaving and they were ok with it, they realize it was so we could better our situation for them. Before we moved here Michelle couldn't pay her child support and just did what she could. Now she pays it and is paying the back child support she owes. SO now that you know the situation here's my advice.
I love Chelle's kids and when Brandon has his surgery you can damn well better believe I will be right there by his side no matter if Brian is there or not (last time Brandon had surgery for his appendix Brian was at the hospital for a few hours and then left Chelle there with him) I will stay all night in uncomfortable chairs and watch any stupid movie like Shark Tale and Lava Boy all he wants because that's what a parent does. Brian may have custody of them, but the way he raises them is to not talk about their problems to just keep their emotion inside and then they have outbursts. We used to get the boys every other week and we asked for a month during the summer...Brian refuses to let them fly to DC because he is too afraid the plane will crash...SO we would either have to Drive 20 hours to KC and get them and then drive 20 hours back to DC OR buy 6 plane tickets one for Chelle to get there and then one for each kid and then another to get Chelle back WITH the boys and then another to get Chelle back on the SAME plane as the boys. SO, my advice GO AND BE THERE, I WILL BE THERE WITH MINE, MAKE A STAND! Get a lawyer. Hope this gave you some insight on how other families that are similar to yours deal with the assholes in our lives. We are going to give the boys the option of staying with Brian or living with us. Brandon is old enough to choose right now, but Jacob has a while. Keep your head up and fight for Michelle to have every RIGHT as a parent does. It shouldn't matter to anyone but you two and God.
Posted by + Mel + on May 17, 2006 - Wednesday 6:38 PM
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Dragon, tryin to fly from the choas!!!
Oh girl do i know what you are going through! Rachael is in that boat as well. My ex husband sounds alot like yours, only now that Brandon is 9, we have not seen him in almost two months. I don't get any money for him because I like to toss it in his face all the time that Rachael and I take care of Rach's and I son. And that it is Rachael that he goes to for everything, and that it is Rachael that he spends all his time with. But I will say at least your ex knows and watches a little.
There are things you can do to make a fair fight. First family is always allowed into the rooms with the child, just have her go in. She is in all rights family. You can also have order of care papers drawn up. We have them on Brandon for Rach, it is basic a paper states Rach is acting parent and allowed to ok care, until I get there. This paper also includes things like signing school work. Its a great thing to have, yet we have never had to use it yet. Most the time she is mom and they just look at me like "Aw at least this couple is still together." Topeka, the town sucks but we have a large gay and lesbian community. I have found out that in the medical field, people are people, and there are always at least one gay or lesbian working there.
Also Zach will be the one who makes the finial request....if he wants her there then all he has to do is ask. The key to good medicine is a cool and calm person.
Posted by Dragon, tryin to fly from the choas!!! on May 21, 2006 - Sunday 7:07 AM
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Dark Moon Gypsy
I can say girl been there! I can understand all well what is happening around you. And my first piece of advice is be up front with the ex. Don't give him anything to bitch about. Tell him when it will take place and then also be up front. In form him that you will also have Michelle with you, because Zach has asked for her to be there. Telling him that your only wish is that Zach have those that love him around him. And that you hope as adults you all can make that happen. Feed to the ex that you want him to be as much as adult as he can be. But in the same breath tell him that the hospitl asked that only we the parents be there. Inform him that that means, you, michelle and him. That his girlfriend may come but there is no need for grandparents or cousins. Telling him that the hospital says it should take least then an hour and is only a small thing. That it is going to be out patient. That there is really no need to worry, that the docoter says it should be short and that Zach will be fine.
I have found killing them with kindness always seems to work. Be up front but also be over up front....tell little white lies to make it easier. Sometimes if you can make the asshole think it will be quick, and he will only be wasteing his time to come down. He will just drop it. Remind him Michelle and Zach do have a bond and love for each other. Peace be with you!
Posted by Dark Moon Gypsy on May 21, 2006 - Sunday 7:27 AM
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Angie aka rainbow_writer
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow
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