Entry #689001, added on 03-01-10 @ 10:49 am EST
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I have a problem with emails.
The thing is, I am always grateful to get them, but I am not always great at responding to them or deleting them. As a result, when I checked my WDC inbox this morning, I was stunned to see that I had about 300 emails languishing there, some of which were unread and caked with the dust of the past two years. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was keeping newsletter emails from genres I don't usually write in, or emails from people who stopped being members a generation ago, and I decided to go through them to see if they had any relevance whatsover. The answer is no. Most of them weren't relevant even at the time that they were sent. What's this about, anyway?
The other weird thing? I still had emails from people who felt like they had to attack me for whatever reason, one in particular from 'anonymous' who basically called me out for having questionable morals just because of a journal entry I'd made. As I recall, that entry sparked some problems for some people, though I fail to understand why. I went back and re-read it, thought about the tumult that it caused for one or two people, and kind of laughed at how something so small and insignificant could cause anyone to erupt. Then, I got annoyed all over again, because the negativity seemed so useless to me, unfounded, even, and when I attempted to clarify my position at the time, I was met with more resistance and all-out rudeness. Most people would have shrugged this off and decided the complainers were bitter old ladies who keep cats and eat Cap'n Crunch out of the box with a Coke chaser, but not me. Instead, I kept their stupid emails and got angry all over again when I reread them. Why didn't I delete? I did the same thing with an email my sister sent me a few years ago when she was angry with me. It was probably the most offensive letter anyone has ever sent me, busting with insults and accusations, and occasionally, I go back and read it again just to bone up on all the reasons why I'm supposed to harbour a respectable level of contempt for her. This cannot be healthy.
So, I deleted all the negative emails, because really, what's the point of keeping them? The people who wrote them don't get me, and if they don't get me, that means they don't share my values or beliefs and I probably wouldn't want to know them, anyway. Off you go to the cyber garbage can, naysayers! My sister's email, though, I have not deleted, yet. I probably should as it serves no positive purpose, but I think I need to feel that one some more. I don't know why.
The other thing that I am ashamed to admit is that I had a whack-load of reviews I failed to respond to. I would be thrilled to receive them, I'd read them and consider the points raised, and then I'd move on to something else and neglect to thank the person who took the time to read my work. Either that, or I'd receive a lovely note from someone who would want to thank me for something I'd written in this journal, or even challenge a point I'd made in a mature and thoughtful way, and I'd read their words, think about what they'd said, and forget to respond. Obviously, this makes me look like I don't appreciate other people, but it isn't true. I honestly do. The trouble is that sometimes I need time to think of an appropriate response and when I break away to think about what I am going to say, I get distracted. It's not a great excuse but it's the truth. If I respond emotionally, what I'm trying to say doesn't come across the way I'd like, and could either be interpreted as gushing or vengeful, depending on what I'm responding to. I think that the thing that concerns me the most is when someone raises a point that goes against my own and I fail to address it. It could be interpreted as either belligerence or indifference, neither of which are intended. Sure, sometimes I get a little annoyed if I don't agree, but usually if I don't respond, it's more to do with forgetfulness than it is to do with my pride. At the very least I should be able to manage a 'thank you' before hitting delete.
I also deleted my 'stalker' from last year's emails. Perhaps the word 'stalker' is too strong a word, but let's just say someone was sending me about two emails a day requesting that I review their work, and that these requests went on for a few months. I'm not sure why I kept a large number of those, other than the fact that I probably wanted a paper trail. The thing is, looking back, I realize that this person was probably just looking for a little support, but less is more, no? I don't like being badgered and so, I pretty much stopped responding in any capacity. I hope they have found someone more enthusiastic about reviewing them and that they've forgotten about me entirely. Delete, delete, delete.
Over the past few days I have been overwhelmed with reviews of an older poem of mine. At first I could not figure out what was going on, and then I realized that someone had submitted the poem to a review forum who have been reading and reviewing me for the past week. I was really glad to receive reviews, but I was also wishing it were one of my better poems. It's a strange experience, receiving reviews for work you're not particularly impressed with because you know you can do better and have done better, but for some reason the weaker stuff is more appealing to others. Still, I have been responding to every review, even the ones that have said 'I liked this poem. Thanks'. At least they read it.
I even have a collection of 'nice emails' from people I genuinely respect or admire, some dating back a few years, mostly because I was touched by their words and wanted to keep them for easy reference. I have not deleted these and don't plan on doing so. It's a little bit of a connection with people I sense I would want to know in the real world, people I'd love to share a coffee with, discussing their ideas and lives with actual facial expressions and tone. Little keepsakes from friends in print.
I have taken the inbox from 300 down to 17. Wait, 18. Another review just came in.
I feel lighter.
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