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Created: June 6th, 2012 at 2:34am
Modified: June 20th, 2012 at 6:46am
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No Restrictions #755061 added June 17, 2012 at 7:40am
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June 16 - Glass
Always on the outside looking in. That’s me. No one understands it. They think I am a little odd or a little standoffish. What they don’t realise, is I have no emotions. All my life I have been unable to feel anything resembling love, hate, hoy or anger. These days I do a pretty good job of faking it but it is always there. I feel like I am standing behind a piece of glass, looking in on the world. I see people excited because they got the job they wanted. I see people arguing because one upset the other. I can feel none of this.
Numerous times I have tried to have relationships but people soon realise when you are faking the emotions that come so easily to all of them. Them, it’s always them I have had people raging at me, trying to get a reaction out of me. All I can do is stand there and take their abuse. When someone is crying in pain, I cannot empathise with their situation. I try to explain all of this to doctors and they look at me like I have two heads. I have been to psychiatrists but they just try medication or alternative therapies. None of them work for me though.
I want to be able to feel. I want to shatter that glass. I have cut myself just so that I would feel something. None of it works though. Why can’t someone break the glass that surrounds me? Am I destined to be this way forever? Am I supposed to be like this? I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Psychiatrists have taken me back to my childhood. They seem to think I have shut off my emotions as a protection mechanism to cope with something that hurt me badly. I cannot remember what that might be though. And still the glass cuts me off from the rest of the world.
I wish my mother was around to answer my questions. She disappeared when I was in my teens. Before that, she used to curse me and call me the devil’s spawn because I was unable to feel any remorse for my actions. Perhaps I am the devil’s spawn. Perhaps I am a monster. Perhaps I shouldn’t even be here. There must be something I can do though. There must be someone that can cure me. I am going to keep looking. I want to be able to feel the joy that other people feel. I would even be happy to feel the pain that other people feel. To be able to feel anything would be a miracle. To be able to hold someone and feel love for them would be the best thing in the world. Until then I remain emotionless. I remain a freak. I remain behind the glass. I remain a sufferer of Alexithymia.
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