I guess this is it ya'll. My account expires today so I'm printing out everything i need. Much has gone on, but I'm at work and can't tell. No more net at home. Hubby and I are separated. I got really tired of the same ole thing. Lve ya'll will be back one day.
 

hey sneaking in again to say hello. Kids are on spring break. Hubby's passed out on the couch. Job is going well. Crazy cat woman secretary is still crazy and miserable. People who smile in your face and talk about you behind your back are the worst kind. I'd rather just be honest and dislike one another openly. Such isn't the way in corporate america and it's so confusing for me. Well, nothing much is going on, I really don't have much to say and I guess that's good news. I guess you can tell that I'm not in blogging mode, it's hard for me to really get involved in it with hubby not so far away and the kids around. Maybe I've just been gone for so long it's hard for me to get back into the rythm of it. Oh! I forgot to tell ya'll- me and the aunt are so not speaking. Yes suga, ok this is a long one (aren't they all..)

Well it all started with the boyfriend of hers that went to jail-remember that from years ago. And years ago, I used to blog about how he would call my house collect from jail because he ran up her phone bill so she gave him my number and blah, blah, blah. And remember how he and my husband were cool, but I never liked him b/c I knew he was a deadbeat from the moment I lay eyes on him. I am serious, as soon as I saw him, I disliked him and everything that crossed my mind when I saw him, he lived true to every supiscion. (Oh my goodness I sat here 3 minutes trying to figure out why I can't spell supiscion. I am cleary having a brain freeze, someone help me. I still haven't figured it out. I must blog more often)

Anyway, so he's been in jail for like 4 years, my son was an infant when he went and he'll be 4 this year, and she's (the aunt) is getting nervous because he's due to get out this summer. She had his 2 cars, and all his clothes and his birth certificate ect.. and to be honest she was taking care of him, everything he had, she bought except for the cars and when he went to jail he was living with another woman and living with my aunt at the same time, hell he had even slept with her downstairs neighbor. Needless to say, she was still with him and taking care of him while he was in jail, until she popped up preganant and left him alone because she thought her baby's father was her knight in shining armor, only to find out he never wanted a baby, and she moved out of her 4 bedroom home to live in his closet. But that's a whole nother story. Long story short, she uped and moved and stopped writing her boyfriend in jail and he had no idea that she had a baby and a whole new life. So she moved and did no forwarding address, put no bills in her name, just went into hiding ok.

So guess who jail bird boyfriend gets on the internet and looks up? Yep, starts calling my house back in November. I didn't answer for months because I didn't want to pay for the call. I informed her about the calls and I let her know that she needed to "{holla at him") She tells me this is a door she needs to close and that she was gonna sit down and write him a long letter. Jump to February, he's still calling my house-several times a day. Hubby answers the phone-tells him my aunt lives out of town, has had a baby, has moved on with her life, suggested that jail bird boyfriend does the same. Jailbird follows phone conversation with a letter. We do not respond. We let her know that we have told him that you live far away and that you have a man and a baby. She gets mad at me and tells me I shouldn't have answered my phone and that I have opened a can of worms by telling him anything at all. I tell her that the same place he got my phone number from, he got my address as well and I'd rather answer my phone then have him show up at my door. I been telling you since Nov. that he's been calling me looking for you, I be damned if he show up at my door.
"Well Shanelle, if he gone show up at your door he's gonna do that anyway, so you shouldn't have answered your phone"
"I'm grown and I can answer my phone if I want to. That's not the issue. The issue is this man is looking for you, and he is harrassing me to get to you. You need to talk to him and give him whatever it is that he needs from you because if he shows up at my door there is going to be a problem."

3 weeks after that conversation I get a voicemail from an official sounding voice. They are leaving a message for my aunt in reference to jailbird boyfriend.
I call the man back and it is a parole officer talking about jailbird done used my address to try to parole out of, saying that my aunt lived here. Oh hell no!
I call my aunt and I say to her"stop whatever you are doing, we need to talk. His parole officer just called my house, he tried to use my address to parole out.") She starts laughing and says-"see I told you. I told you this was going to happen."

I tell her that the parole officer says that she needs to call him. She says she ain't contacting nobody. I tell her that she is going to have to close this door, because he knows where I stay he is going to continue to call looking for her. SHe tells me not to answer my phone.
"What happens when he shows up at my door?"
"Tell him I ain't there."
"Ok so I am not about to have him steady hanging around my door looking for you. I mean you are going to have to get in contact with him-this is affecting me and my family-"
"Shanelle, I ain't giving him my fucking address so he can knock on my door."
"OH THAT'S FUCKED UP! Click" I hang up the phone.
We haven't spoken since. Well we did speak via email, she sent a nasty email and I sent her one right back. I am tired of her using me ya'll. True enough she raised me. How long do I pay for a favor I didn't ask for? She has used my child to file her taxes, signed my kids up on her medicaid when me and hubby went to Mexico, stolen and tricked money out of me, lied on me, used my identity, and I love her but enough is enough. Now my granddaddy is all on my case saying I need to call her and forgive her and we are family, but I just feel so much peace with out dealing with her at all. Its not about being the first one to say I'm sorry, it's about respect and having peace of mind. Oh now my nerves are bad, hubby wakes up and looks at me and says"you on that wdc bullshit?" bye.. love ya'll.

 

well I'm sneaking in here to say hello. Among other things, I now have to sneak and hide to run to the computer. He doesn't see it this way, but I'm not allowed to have friends. I mean when I'm not trusted to go out with the girls, when I'm "stupid" for having online friends, when I shouldn't laugh and joke with the people I work with, and his complaint is that I don't spend enough time with him, then to me that equates to you can't have friends. And when I do go out with my one friend that he approves of "probably because her dad is a pastor" and the fact that we only do lunch maybe once every six months, he has an attitude when I come home. Oh, but I'm not supposed to be venting on my blog anymore right? I'm sorry. Right now he has an attitude because last nigth I was supposed to be excited that it was Friday. I wasn't supposed to care about the fact that I had worked 9 hours. I was supposed to dress up in a french maid costume and take a shot of vodka and not fall asleep. Well all of the above happened except I fell asleep. Gotta go, my timer for my bisquits is going off
 

I'm doing good, can't stay, just wanted to say hey. Today is our anniversary. Love ya'll. Pray for me.
 

Well no sense in drawing out the main event of the story like I usually do. Hubby got on here (disclaimer-the description of this diary clearly states-rants and other things my hubby can't see-or something like that) and I left the screen up while blogging and started cooking and cleaning and doing all the stuff that I do when i get busy and got home the next day from work and he was pissed. Spent all day reading all however many entries. 3 years worth of stuff. I'm scared to remember some of the things i said, though he had no problem reminding me. It was kind of messed up because I was forced to try to apologize for something I wasn't sorry for. I don't mean that in a rude way, but this is my diary and to tell you I didn't mean what I wrote would be a disservice to all involved. It's been about 2 weeks since it happened, well shortley after the last time I blogged, and we didn't talk for about a week, it was just horrible. But he's over it now, but I feel like I've lost my freedom to blog freely. This is the only place where I could just take the hat off and be me. Step out of the role of mother, wife, friend, coworker, cousin- here I could just go-without a title at all. And I feel like I've lost that. And to not blog freely, for me, would not be blogging at all. We are all different and that's what I love about all of ya'll. We all get to see the real sides of the lives of others, we are all putting on a good face for someone 23 hours out of the day, it's human nature and I like seeing the good and the bad, and the difference in all of us. I have truly learned from this site that no matter the location, the age, the looks, the race, the job, the car, the money- we (especially us women) are so much the same. Sad, happy, frustrated, overjoyed- they don't have faces, we all feel it just the same.

I also got a dog- why I need a dog I don't know, but we've always loved dogs and we got a shitz shu. He is so sweet and we were scared because he wouldn't eat for a full 24 hours after we got him. I took him right back up to that pet shop and she gave me some wet food, but he wouldn't eat that either, but he got in his kennel last night and when we woke up he had finally eaten. Thank goodness. This is our first legal dog! We're so excited. We love all of our dogs, but when I say legal, I mean we didn't find this one, or buy him for 30 dollars off the street. He's full breed, microchiped, with papers. I ain't never had no papers on a dog! And in other news, according to the huge corporation that filed my tax return, some of my stimilus check money is coming out my tax return, pair that with the fact that I guess i've offically passed the income that gets you really excited about a refund, I got my lowest income tax refund ever. It was depressing but honestly, in a way it felt good to know how far I've come. I was sad though, cuz black folks make plans at tax time. New cars, shoes, vacation, we try to do all that with one check. This year hell we just bought a dog cuz the refund was nothing more than a check at work with a bunch of overtime. When Bush was handing out checks he should have told us that.

And the new President. It's kind of weird because I was at work when they swore him in and I was honest with ya'll about how I felt about Obama. There was somehting about him, probably the fact that everyone was putty in his hands that didn't sit right with me. In the end, he got me on board with the health care for everyone deal because I'm one of the people whose children could benefit from it. I make too much for medicaid, but I can't afford to have 300 dollars come out my paycheck each time "in case" one of my kids get sit. Yes, I'll be honest, I'm an emergency room hopper. It's sad but true. So I wasn't in love with him during the election. Plus I didn't think they'd put a black man in office. I just didn't. It's sad maybe some of you are saying that I think that way, but hey, I'm just being honest. Then when they nominated him as President Elect, I was waiting for CNN to announce his death. I'm being so serious here. But when they swore him in. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, but I couldn't show it because I was at work, the only black person there. And I stood in front of the t.v. just long enough, but not too long, trying to fight tears that I shouldn't have been ashamed to let fall. But it was not the time nor the place. I just hope he does a good job as president. He is going to be held to such a higher standard. One, because he's coming in after Bush, and two because the fact still remains he is something "different". I was riding in the car and my daughter said to me, my seven year old-" I don't udnerstand the big deal why black people are so excited about Obama. I mean I know he's the first black president, but I just don't get it." I'm happy that she just doesn't get it. That means things are changing. But to answer her question- we are so happy because it shows us that everyone, anyone, can reach for the stars. Why do young black boys want to be NBA stars? Cuz that's all they see when they watch a game. Why do all women want to be thinner, or have flatter tummies, or perky boobs? Cuz that's the image they give us of beauty. And in all the things you learn in school about famous black people- they were either slaves themselves, or trying to prevent being treated like slaves. I don't know about the books you read but all the famous black people in my childhood school books were in the civil rights movement, or famous for sneaking slaves through tunnels.they were famous for that! So to put a darker face in the history books of my grandkids, that's major. My kids get to see a president who looks like them, it's amazing, and I still don't believe it, and I think about my grandfather who told me the surest way to get shot in Dallas in the 50's was to stand in front of Neiman Marcus, and now to have a black president, man it's major. So I'll tell ya'll a secret cuz I love you. This week, any black person you see- they are excited as hell. Oh they won't let you show it- because there are rules that we have devised- I'm serious, emails have gone around. And the rules dictate that we can't call in sick the day of innaugration "or the day of the elections", we can't run around with a shit faced grin all day, we're not to talk about how proud we are, we are to act normal and regular at all times. But boy when we got home- it was a full live party! Everyone was calling everyone and black people were sneaking each other the wink or the thumbs up on the elevator, complete strangers were bonding. So let us have this moment, if you're not black you may not understand, but try to understand our excitement, it's gonna take probably a year for us to calm down.
Once again I've blogged about everything but what I was suppossed to, let me check on ya'll. Love ya'll, I'm not sure when I'll be back, I'm sure it won't be as frequently given the circumstances with hubby. But just cuz I'm not blogging don't mean I won't be reading ya'll.
 

ok so sense my neighborhood is safer than that of most of the cousins I like to hang out with, well really, my neighborhood is safer than all of my cousins, we decided to substitute the sounds of gunshot with the sound of music, so we invited everyone to come out to our house to celebrate the new year, under the condition that everyone would spend the night and no one would drink to drive. To make sure of this, we picked everyone up- we have an suv, might as well put it to good use. So 16 people in my home later, 10 of them kids, we were partying it up. I partied it up a little too much because by the time the clock struck 11:59 I was pushing my cheeks out, trying to stop the gurgling in my stomach from coming out my throat. It worked, for one minute, and I don't even really remember the countdown. Courtsey of the video tape, I see the crowd going 5,4,3,2,1 Happy New Year, I hear a champagne bottle pop, and before the smoke from the bottle clears, my face enters the screen and I run off to the bathroom. Hubby finds me there an half hour later, asleep with my face in the toilet. Thank goodness I cleaned my toilet prior to the festivities. I got in the bed, with much assistance, and the party continued without me. I would have been ok, had hubby not kept checking on me, all his condolences was getting on my nerves and he made my stomach rumble again. This time, I tried to stagger to the bathroom and tripped over a toy box and fell face first into a laundry basket. I would have slept right there next to spongebob, but hubby helped me again to the toilet where I feel asleep again. How dare I pass out at my own party. Vodka on an empty stomach will do it everytime. I just wasn't hungry. And by the time my "feel great" turned into "uh-oh", and I decided to eat, it was too late. In fact, I think the greasy food is what caused my stomach to overflow. My cousin said I should have eaten bread to soak it up. I told him, I wish he would have told me that when he saw me biting into the hotlink instead of the morning after. We woke up at 8 am thanks to ten hungry kids and went to Walmart to buy the fixings for a big morning after breakfast. Everyone laughed when they realized i was going to Walmart in tennis shoes and pajamas. "Shanelle! I've never seen you look like this! OMG are you going out of the house like that! Aren't you even going to put your eyebrows on!" It was too funny! But we had a grand time. What a blessing to see a new year. A story of drunkness doesn't belong in the same place as a story of being blessed, but I am blessed to be here for 2009 and so are you! Happy New Year! I admit I was a little worried about having a party because I want to be a perfect hostess and also my cousins sister, who she just reunited with and I really don't know was going to spend the night. I'm very jealous and supcious of women who don't share my last name and have the body I want and while she is the rough, gangster, smoke w*ed, tennis shoe wearing type, she has a nice body and I just dont' trust nobody around my man. She's always dancing around, shaking her butt, and that's just how black folks do when music comes on, but I don't do that when married men are around. And I just don't trust her. She seems cool but I have to get to know her. But it went over well. Bye!
 

I am officially beginning to feel the Christmas spirit. (Well,as soon as I get this house cleaned.) I have decided that Christmas is for kids, and while there are special adults in my life who will get gifts, I'll shop for them the days after Christmas, because everything goes on sale at that time. To spend fifty dollars on a gift that will be 25 the day after Christmas, well heck, like I said if they wait, they'll get a better gift. My grandaddy will come over tommorow and spend the night. I kinda hate that I found out about the drug use, I mean not found out, cuz I knew, I guess, but I mean really accepted it and decided to no longer to be blind to it. Our relationship has changed. He feels like he has dissapointed me and he has. He doesn't call me as much and I don't call him as much either. It breaks my heart, but I do see him differently. I'm going to try to see him the same because I don't want to cause him pain that in turn will make him want to use. I did a lot of shopping for the kids on craigslist this year. I got some really good deals. My hubby's cousin whom I've talked about before, she's really having a hard time and I got her kids some stuff for Christmas. It didn't cost a lot and somebody blessed me so I wanted to bless them. Every kid should have something under the tree for Christmas. I havne't been doing a good job on the home front. I was thinking last night about how I put so much into my nine to five and when I get home, I am off. I take my hair off, my cute outfit off, I lay down, I dont' spend much time with the kids or the hubby and I just really need to take better care of the ones that I love. I don't want to make a new years resolution, I'm so tired of those, but man I wish there were like six more hours in a day. Seriously. But i will make some changes. My kids asked me was santa really real. They are 7 and 8. I was so scared that they know the truth. Kids at school have been talking, I'm sure. Maybe next year we'll come out. Hubby thinks they know the truth and are just playing along with us. I think they have doubts but still belive. Hubby found out in the 3rd grade when he peeked out the window and saw his parents carrying in the toys. He pretended for years after. How old were you when you found out about santa? Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year
 

anyway, he hasn't said anything (continuing from below) but he shouldn't have been over my shoulder. I've struggled alot with how to tell this story, and I just want to let it all out and just be real. Honest, you know. I've never really worried about the racy parts because hubby's not a reader. Never have to worry about him reading any book, not even one I wrote. Wow, but that entry he was reading, it talked about how the man I worked with walked into the room and he was my fantasy and he was fine, and I don't know how much further down the page he got but it was clear who I was talking about and I always denied having an affair with that man. Oh well fuck it. He cheated on me first. Shouldn't have been reading over my shoulder. It just peeves me that he comes to talk to me or stands over me when I'm reading. He knows how I feel about that. It's the equilvalent of being naked, or taking a dump, when I write,it is private. He knew I was in a bad mood, he should have just left me alone.
Moving on. I've been depressed this weekend. I know I should be thankful, and I am, I'm just so stressed about this job, and I love my job but this lady is trying to sabatoge me and the kind of pull she has on the big man, I just know that she's not going to go anywhere, and I dont' know how long I can work with her. And the real problem is that I can't play her game and fake and pretend. I pretended and lied so much as a child ya'll my whole life was a lie and as an adult I just won't walk around day to day living a lie. Smiling at a bitch who only smiles at me when someone else is in the room. ANd I'm stressed because hubby just doesn't get it. I'm sinking in these bills. Absolutley drowning and he keeps telling me it's going to be ok. He needs a job. I told him and he has all these standards about what he will and won't do. He wont' do fast food and he wont' do walmart and I'm like what the fuck, i worked at walgreens for years, any job beats a blank. I need help. Every day I look at the media images, women getting taken care of by men and I want that too. I struggle and day dream everyday about meeting someone wh can provide. Gotta go.
 

ok so I have to make this quick. But I have to give background first. Ok so we have no money so we were posting some old toys of the kids on craiglist, and i woke up this morning in a bad mood stressed cuz of no money and what do I do when I'm stressed, I write. And hubby knows I don't like to be bothered when I write, and so this lady calls and is interested in buying something and hubby answers the phone and comes in here all over my shoulder all excited and I'm in my port writing a very hot love scene in my book about, well I won't say and he's kinda reading over my shoulder and now I'm nevous. I gotta go, he's still in my face. SHit.
 

I've noticed that my titles consist only of hey ya'll for the last, well long time. I don't know what that's about. I have been writing more, though it's not all in my port and I battle with the whole should I type it all or do it longhand. I really am a real pen and paper kind of person, but when i see things in my port I feel like I've accomplished more and it helps with the editing when things are online. (Oh come on Shanelle tell the truth, you have so many notebooks and scraps of paper scattered everywhere that you can't keep track of things on paper)
On a reading note, i am officially sucked into the Twilight series by Stephanie Myers. It was really a good book. For a reader. As a writer, it got better as the story moved on. The ending was really strong. I really want to read the sequels.
I don't what what I'll cook for Thanksgiving. GOD always comes through, we'd run out of money and had six dollars left and hubby's mother called and told us to come get food because she needed to make room for thanksgivign grocercies in her fridge. HE always shows up right on time.

On writing everyday.. I try, I really do but I need to feel that.. feeling, you know, when you have something to write and you write it and it's from the heart and you are pleased. I had that two days last week, i was satisfied with the content coming onto the paper and I didn't feel like I had just fulfilled my mission to write something each day. I felt like I had written "something"
Love ya'll, God Bless ya'll.