... I hate to admit it, but... I am a selfish lover! That's right, I think of me and me alone in bed and ... wait a minute, that's awesome! High five! Sharing in bed, like in the market, is socialism and I don't care about my partner... I'm an American.

Most of you reading this are women with womanly parts, and I think it's time I gave you my advice for the bedroom. This is the advice you've been dying to hear, I know.

1) Candles are a fire hazard: Knocking boots next to an open flame may have been romantic back in like the 14th century, but these days it's just dangerous. Especially if you, as I have been known to do, use midget tossing as a form of foreplay. And speaking of foreplay -

2) Cool Whip, Chocolate Syrup and Strawberries Make Not a Hot Treat: Oh sure, they may sound sensual and what not, but practicality is the cornerstone of any relationship built to last... through the night. I enjoy sprinkling EAS protein powder over my prey lover. This gives me a 25g shot of muscle building protein.

3) A Man Is Never Tied Down: We've all been there (us men that is). We wake up and we're tied to the bed posts with our tie and belt. Of course the first thing that goes through our mind is "Al Queda finally caught me" and now you can't fight for your freedom. In actuality it was some broad who thought you would enjoy being enslaved. Lady-folks, if God didn't want men to protect women he would have given chicks wieners (although I hear in south-east Asia he did). Don't tie men down otherwise when Al Queda invades your home, you'll be in big trouble.

4) If He Leaves His Socks On: Men everywhere have important, time consuming man work to get done. If I leave my socks on, it means I gotsta go get that work done. Accept it.

Oh man, I literally have a Lisa Frank folder filled with these. Anything in particular you want to know about the sweet art of love making, let me know.

Until then, I have to go to school which has nothing to do with doin' it. Except today may be the day I trick woo some unsuspecting co-ed. I better get the protein powder out.