... I hate to admit it, but... I am a selfish lover! That's right, I think of me and me alone in bed and ... wait a minute, that's awesome! High five! Sharing in bed, like in the market, is socialism and I don't care about my partner... I'm an American.

Most of you reading this are women with womanly parts, and I think it's time I gave you my advice for the bedroom. This is the advice you've been dying to hear, I know.

1) Candles are a fire hazard: Knocking boots next to an open flame may have been romantic back in like the 14th century, but these days it's just dangerous. Especially if you, as I have been known to do, use midget tossing as a form of foreplay. And speaking of foreplay -

2) Cool Whip, Chocolate Syrup and Strawberries Make Not a Hot Treat: Oh sure, they may sound sensual and what not, but practicality is the cornerstone of any relationship built to last... through the night. I enjoy sprinkling EAS protein powder over my prey lover. This gives me a 25g shot of muscle building protein.

3) A Man Is Never Tied Down: We've all been there (us men that is). We wake up and we're tied to the bed posts with our tie and belt. Of course the first thing that goes through our mind is "Al Queda finally caught me" and now you can't fight for your freedom. In actuality it was some broad who thought you would enjoy being enslaved. Lady-folks, if God didn't want men to protect women he would have given chicks wieners (although I hear in south-east Asia he did). Don't tie men down otherwise when Al Queda invades your home, you'll be in big trouble.

4) If He Leaves His Socks On: Men everywhere have important, time consuming man work to get done. If I leave my socks on, it means I gotsta go get that work done. Accept it.

Oh man, I literally have a Lisa Frank folder filled with these. Anything in particular you want to know about the sweet art of love making, let me know.

Until then, I have to go to school which has nothing to do with doin' it. Except today may be the day I trick woo some unsuspecting co-ed. I better get the protein powder out.

... Christmas time. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- Humbug!

This year's X-Mas is looking like it's going to B-low a big one. I can't rouse my inner child to the level of "wonderment" over the lights and what-nots. I can barely get aroused () to the level of "disinterested".

I think it has to do with my family's having shrunk to 4 (+ 1 on the way). We've been ostracized and what not by the hub of our family tree because of weddings un-attended and wives of cousins not getting along. Personally, I'm like whatever, but I think this has peripherally contributed to my apathy.

But, because it's my duty and I love you (but am not in love with you) I will now offer my tips on celebrating the holidays with these key holiday items.

A HOLIDAY MOVIE: Die Hard. Hands down the best X-Mas movie ever no matter what anyone else on this site will say in the comments. It teaches the true importance of X-Mas, which is securing hostages from international thieves. Also, you need a machine gun "ho...ho...ho". So, pop this one in and curl up next to someone special. "Yippee-ky-yay, mother-fker".

A HOLIDAY BOOK: "A Child's Christmas in Wales". It's been a long time since I've read this, and I can't remember why the little kid lives in a wale, but I assume it has something to do with the bible. Anyhoo, there's a fire in the story and then they get out of the wale and get their presents.

A HOLIDAY SONG:

... BIRTHDAY ROBERT GOULET!!!!

That's right on this day we eat turkey and give thanks for (and now remember fondly) that titan of the tunes. The minstrel of Lawrence, Mass was the greatest American asset... EVER!

In any event, my mom's visiting her sister (what I refer to as an "aunt"), my brother is being a cop and I'm working on a research paper that covers Sino-American relations and issues of human rights/self determination. My people, WASPY methodists, prefer to celebrate Goulet Day on the Sunday after his birthday. We have a rich tradition, my people.

As I understand it, there's some upstart holiday looking to usurp this tradition. Some holiday celebrating a bunch of puritanical "pilgrims" that came to America from England (via Holland, did you know that? The pilgrims were too uptight for two nations). I say, phewy! Goulet Day all the way!

So, from me and mine to you and yours, may the Goulet's blessing fall upon you.

... Son of Z.

I swore I wouldn't blog about politics ever since I endorsed Michael Dukakis here back in 1988, but this cannot be over looked.

TheWýtçhè - Away Indefinitely yesterday wrote an op-ed in support of Santa Clause. In brief she lauded him for embodying the Christmas spirit and not being Satan. People, no one, more than Santa Clause, has given rise to class oppression and the spread of resource conflict.

The facts. 1, He operates a factory outside of OSHA's reach practically enslaving the indigenous population. 2, To build and manufacture all the toys for all the good little girls and boys requires a vast amount of resources, which causes a drain on legitimate manufacturers' supplies, which in turn raises prices. 2.b, He gives away the manufactured toys, free of price, just dumped down a chimney, which ironically, in economics is known as "dumping" (selling goods below manufacturing costs to corner the market), and since GATT (now WTO), dumping is an illegal trade practice. 3, Apparently, this guy has - forget about the reindeer - every IFF code (Identification, Friend or Foe) for crossing all the differently administered air zones of all sorts of nations willy-nilly. If Jesus hadn't banned Christmas in Israel... I just don't know what kind of trouble he could cause.

And as far as being a disseminator of, and I quote "love and toys, to good girls and boys", well, who ever invested him with the power to sit in judgement. I find it awkward too that a man who watches kids 365, "knows when they're sleeping, and knows when they're awake", and wants to spread "love", has never been asked to explain himself. Seems like he's too involved in these children's lives, if you catch my drift.

People, look in the mirror! Is this the sort of man that you want to represent your holiday!?! Think of the elves!

Let's see, who could our new symbol of the holidays be... Jesus? No, too Jesusy. Bozo the Clown? No, too creepy. I dunno, help me out here! Who will replace Santa as our equality spreading, educational material dispersing Christmas symbol?

Oh! And don't forget to boycott the "Build-a-Bear Workshops" as they use non-union, bear building labor, thank you.

... much obliged to the beat gods.

I don't think I've ever been so impressed by the answers to a question as I was yesterday. There was a right/wrong answer (that's an answer that's right, but wrong in this instance) and a correct usage of the scientific term randomnimity (that I invented, you may remember). The correct answer is: ˚rz = someone bowing. "˚" = the head, base of the "r" = the arms, and the base of the "z" = the shins. So in this instance you can see they are bowing to the Z-ster! Hip-hip-hooray, much victory discovered here!

Here's a dog, ˚π, or a cat, or a horse... I guess it's, like, whatever you want it to be or something, and within it we find the inner workings of God and, like, man... deep.

I have been listening to this god-dned Little Grey Girlfriend song, "Time Pops Bubbles" over and over. Even worse though, is the fact that The Submarines' "Submarine Symphonika" keeps popping up on shuffle. That's the iPhone commercial song.

So today I've been hunting out some sick beats that chicks get drunk and shake the booty to. Guess what I've discovered... rap today SUCKS. What the hell is with this auto-tuned crap!?! Back in the day, rap was a social message. It was the cry of the street, and I should now, I lived near a street. Everyone is trying to make a hit single, the art of the album is gone. Worse yet, the art of politicized rap is fading. Talib Kwali, The Coup, Immortal Techniques, Bambu... they still preach it.

Discuss, has "high art", art with purpose, whatever (these terms mean different things to different people) gone the way of profit driven, factory entertainment!?! Someone out there, please, raise my expectations! Or... is Adam Lambert the only future I have to look forward to...

... school. That's what's been ripping you and I apart.

All these papers and readings and what-not. That's why I haven't been around and I haven't been able to read your blogs, but I promise, tonight I will read what you've written. I will judge and criticize it internally and then weep.

In any event, I don't have much time. Ironically, when most people will be stressed and frantic over the holidays I will be cool, calm and full of free time.

What's this new handle all about!?! If you can tell me what "˚rz" means... you win a prize!
 

... is going off the air in 2011. Plan accordingly.

I too have an announcement to make... beginning in three years, I will no longer wear socks. After many hours of prayer and thought, I came to the decision that wearing socks, while it made me famous, is just something thats time has passed. I would like to spend my golden years sockless and retired. But, we have just enough time to honor my socks. So in the short three years ahead, everyday I will present you with an ode to my socks.

...ahem...

Oh! Cotton clothed foot gloves!
Where have ye gone!
In shoe nor hamper, do ye show your face.
A hat for toes no longer,
to looms fruity heaven you float.

Remember when, back in the day,
your holes were wide and many?
A molotov fuze you made for me,
back in the revolution of '93.
The thin red line across the toes,
we dared to cross together.

Socky-sock sock face!
Face of socky sock-socks.
When toilet paper was few,
I could always count on you,
to -

Well, it pretty much goes on for like four or five pages. Emotionally charged, I think that's the best way to describe my work.

You all have homework. Tell me why Twilight sucks below and you'll get a prize respect, that's all it is.
 

... "Can you spare half a million dollars please?"

Why yes, I can spare half a million dollars worth of advice, right now!

ShellySunshine asks: "How do you keep a secret from coming out? If only half the room knows the secret and everyone is talking about the same issue?"

Secrets aren't just a ladies deodorant, and are only fun when you know them. Keeping them from getting out can be difficult, especially when those in the know are chatting about it so dangerously around the unknowers. There are only two things that can take a persons mind off of a secret: sex & violence. So, in the situation you've described I say either flash or punch your way to keeping that secret where it belongs. Try doing both at once, then the room will completely drop the secret subject. You're welcome.

Ariana asks: "If a company is purchased in a hostile takeover, what happens to the remaining shares that weren't purchased?"

Those shares become non-performing assets that count against the company in their fourth quarter reports and micro-economically tariffized into double-downed 401k Roth, IMF balanced spread sheets against the 15% rebated interest rates. So buy them up while you have time!!! You're welcome.

Noa נעה asks: "[W]hat should I get the Palestinian girl in my economics class for 'Holiday', since we are evidently having some kind of 'Holiday gift exchange'?"

That's a tough one. Because not only do you have to pick an appropriate gift, but you have to pick a politically sensitive one as well. I was thinking about this over a pipe and brandy in front of my fireplace, when it hit me. This Palestinian friend of yours is a girl and girls like the same thing the world over. So, get her a gift card to Victoria's Secret and a bottle of fake tan. That's what I get all my lady friends, and they never call back because they're too busy enjoying these gifts. No Victoria's Secret in Tel Aviv? Just ask around NYC while you're there, hundreds of kind men will line up to help you find one. You're welcome!

NOVAcatmando asks: "Is it possible to transport water from the moon?"

Yes! In fact it's easy. You fly a rocket ship to the moon and use a space drill, then you collect the water in space clouds and float them over the Earth where it becomes moon rain! The moon rain is then collected in buckets and used on Slip-n-Slides! I do science good. You're welcome!

Scarlett asks: "How much do toy boys cost these days?"

Hmmm, that's a tough one... what did Mariah Carey and Demi Moore pay for theirs? It depends on the quality I take it. Be sure to find one with papers and all its shots, that's a good place to start. And if you're looking at an import, be double sure it's not a knock-off! You're welcome!

Phew! All this advising has got me beat! Looks like another day of not doing homework! Today is the GREAT AMERICAN SMOKE OUT which I take it means that we are all supposed to pick up the habit! So get to smoking America!
 

... and it consists of this: http://howto.wired.com/wiki/Read_a_Barcode?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium...

Until this very moment, you never thought about teaching yourself to read barcodes with your naked eyes, and now you can't stop thinking about it can you?

It's been raining here for forty days straight. No lie, only slight exaggeration. I have a headache, and think I have the flu. Not even swine flu, I'm so passe I've got bird flu.

Did you hear about this book by Sarah Palin? "Going Rogue" is the title... which, as we all know WASP fiscal conservatives have always been considered revolutionary, and counter-culture. Especially here in the United States. That broad's a regular Che Guevara.

I think she's a walking insult to intelligence, but that's just me. A lot of people like her cause she's folksy and speaks in small words. They want to see her president cause, hey, if this country is going to go down the crapper it may as well do it with all the class and sophistication of a NASCAR race.

Anyhoo, did you know today is INTERNATIONAL UNDERWEAR LIBERATION DAY. That's right, another year has passed and we once again liberate ourselves from our undies. So, tell me, how are you celebrating without under-drawers today?
 

... have I ever been behind.

Missed a few days there, but nothing to worry about, nothing that can't be made up.

I don't think he'd mind my saying, but our friend Pancake Master , aka Røb, will be on the "Jeopardy" television program tomorrow (check your local listings). It's huge news, especially around these parts where our last competitor on the big show, Melvin, not only finished in the negative, but kept saying "god dned Canuck" under his breath every time Trebek would correct him. Poor Melvin, he actually works in City Hall here.

Thanksgiving is nearly here. This holiday means less and less to me as I get older. There's football on and usually someone spends like 8 -12 hours cooking a bunch of goodies, but otherwise, I'm "meh" over Thanksgiving.

So, in elementary school fashion, I want you to tell me what you're Thankful for this year. No need to make a hand stencil turkey, you can just type it in the box below. I'm personally thankful for cheap booze.