... to rock, I salute you.

I have sworn not to celebrate the New Years... that doesn't mean I won't get trashed tonight, it just means it will be a drunk without reason. Like a normal Thursday night.

HOLY CRAP! RUSH LIMBAUGH IS IN THE HOSPITAL! Apparently the thunderous mound of stupidity is suffering chest pains that are just too much for his pain pills. Here's to a speedy recovery, ass-he.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday night and a great Friday and beyond (see, I'm not acknowledging the New Year).
 

... I have a knack for the sciences.

I was officially schooled in the science of love, but my knowledge extends to the science of science. I often come home on these cold winter eves and do some science, as doing science is my passion.

In any event, over the weekend someone forced the new Star Trek movie on me. Since it came out on DVD there has always been someone there to try and press me into watching it. That's the worst way to get me to watch a movie. If someone tells me that a movie is awesome in tones I find too enthusiastic, I get turned off. You have to speak to me as someone who went to film school, in muted tones, cause art is deep and heavy... entertainment, pop, is light and fluffy.

So I watched J.J. Abrams' Stark Trek and thought it was okay... except for a glaring scientific mistake! In short, Scotty, we are told, is on his way to finding an equation for transporting matter anywhere in space, fixed or unfixed locations. Future Spock gives him the equation and Scotty says, "I never thought of space as the moving object"... really? Really, Scotty? Cause guess what, that's the whole idea behind warp drive! I told you the No Starfleet Cadet Left Behind plan would fail.

Warp drive wasn't invented by Stark Trek as a fantastic means of transport. It's more or less, under different names, a theory that takes advantage of Einstein's theory of relativity. Dig it: traveling over great distances takes time, and traveling at the speed of light is impossible for us as we'd gain so much matter at that speed we'd be crushed. BUT! if you can bend space, bringing point A to point B one could "travel" faster than the speed of light - hence warping space. The space ship doesn't move, space does.

Therefore, I call shenanigans on Star Trek... it has felt my scorn.

And because you all stopped reading this at the title, I will embed a video where you will no doubt skip to and then at least have something to comment on:

... on Christmas Day. Nothing like a white Christmas by any means, but you know... snowing is half the battle.

Is it sad when the only gift you're excited about is a bottle of Jameson?

Now that the Christmas crap is over and done with we can start looking ahead to 2010... or as I call it, another year of failing miserably. It's a bleak future indeed... The Rams will probably be no better than they are now and the Cardinals will probably lose Matt Holiday on the free agent market... bleak!

AND I have a birthday scheduled for next year where all I do is get older with nothing to show for it... bleak!

The only thing I have to look forward to is 2012... the movie... coming out on DVD... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... before the world ends in 2012.... the year.

You know what's funny about this Mayan 2012 thing? This is the first time white, Christians have listened to the indigenous peoples of the New World and wouldn't you know it pertains to a threat (real or perceived) to the cracker-culture:

"I'm just gonna spend a good five hundred years eradicating your culture and brain washing your young into Christ's church, and - what's that? End of the world? You mean MY world!?! Holy fking s! Man the life boats! Sorry, Mayans, no room. Grab the Reagan pictures and my Chaney momentos!"

But hey, the future won't be that bad... unless the History Channel is right.
 

... you always wanted moar toys.

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Well I ain't got no moar toys to give you! You'll have to live with this! Another episode of RESERVOIR BLOGS, your favorite newsletter on WdC... or second favorite, it's somewhere up there.

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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and I won't come back till 2010...drunk!!!
 

... New York Times, South Koreans are on a mission to increase their kids' height. They equate a nice, tall stature to success and there's no limit to what they'll do to get their kids stretched out.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/23/world/asia/23seoul.html?pagewanted=1&part...

Wait... what's that in the distance? A solution emerges!

To South Korea's finest ladies, I stand here measuring at 6 feet & 4 inches of awesome. Give me a call, I'm here to serve you and make you tall babies.

Like a week or so ago I e-mailed the VA volunteer services thingy to see about offering my time over the holiday break at, I assumed, the hospital near Jefferson barracks. There was a flyer at school, everything appeared on the up-n-up and wouldn't you know... they never got back to me!

This isn't the first time the army has shunned me though. I offered my services once before for their covert operations cause I'm a total bad ass, Bond like muther, and they laughed in my face! They said, and I quote, "Your 'mad Call of Duty, X-Box skills' don't equate to practical, battlefield experience, no matter how many weapon attachments you've unlocked." End quote.

They'll get back to me, I'm guessing, after school starts again and I have no free time. This is what I've learned about volunteer work and charity over the years: no one ever gives time or money that comes at a sacrifice to themselves. Rich people give a lot of money to charity, but never so much as to change their standard of living. Volunteers offer their free time, and never infringe on recreational, work or school what nots.

So now, because I just typed that out loud, I'll have to do it in the middle of school work to prove I put money/mouth.

... is INTERNATIONAL LOVE A BOOSTER DAY.

That's right, today is that one day of the year (in the middle of capitalism's great holiday) that we honor those brave men and women that rob from the corporations to give to us at discount prices!

"A pox on ye blogimation, Zapernicus! Why honor thieves!?!"

If you gotta ask, you're probably already a tool of the socio-corporate environment. Dig it, most people don't make enough to live in the fashion that TV commercials tell us is acceptable. So, brave boosters hit the stores and level the playing field. That's just the entrepreneur spirit, and buying boosted makes materialism acceptable in my book.

In South Saint Louis I know where to go to get cheap movies, tires, clothes, cell-phones, video games, toiletries, and whatever else you want. It all comes out the trunk of a few cars. Boom. The way I figure it, corporations are gonna steal from me anyway, I might as well buy the stuff stolen from them.

Back in my retail days I boosted a few things. Yeah, what of it? I didn't need that 20% discount, but damnit, I needed some new kicks... and a sweater vest... or two... and some shorts... ... and a new Nike baseball glove... but that's just me taking what I was owed.

The merchandise is insured anyway with a cushion for losses before rates go up. I don't know what the acceptable amount of shrinkage is, but it's fairly high (depending, I'm sure, but where I used to work they never went up).

So, I went in search of this particular song I knew would be perfect to embed here, and YouTube didn't have it... but NPR did ! Under the headline "A Song for the Shoplifter", The Coup's "I Love Boosters" was the NPR song of the day May 26th, 2006.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5419268

Thoughts, comments, suggestions? Did you ever boost?
 

... until I get my WdC card from the Story Master & Mistress. Thankee kindly, Story Folk!

What the hell! I talk about Starbuck's yesterday and I get a swath of mail telling me I'm a traitor to the cause and should be put to the stake! You should know me by now! I have, what we in the business call, "Ulterior Motives".

You see, there's a Kaldi's Coffee on campus and two other university coffee shops that are closed for the holidays. In any event though, I can, every so often, get a free coffee at Starbuck's with a wink and a smile to the lovely ladies that work there.

"How you doin', barista? Your cup size looks about venti to me."

It's a dangerous game, I understand that, entering a corporate den of greed and convenient service, but for the ladies... I'll play that game... until this happens:

... today, when something so shocking happened, I punched the nearest elderly man in the face to be sure I wasn't dreaming.

I was sugaring and creaming my coffee like I do when some German bird saddles up near to me. So I scoot over, giving her more room, and what does this lady do? She annexes all of my space! I say, "A German, surely not!" But it was true! Then I had to stand there and watch as she blitzkrieged her whatever with vanilla flavoring.

So, I initiated Operation Market Garden, where I advanced on the napkin bunkers in her region, and formed a front I could move forward toward the whole milk. I was taller with longer arms, so I maintained reach superiority. By the time I had muscled my way to the natural, unrefined sugar, I could tell she was demoralized. Besides, there was also a Russian in line behind her... this isn't the first opportunity I've had to use the phrase "I got at her from the front while a Russian did the same from behind" in a blog by the way.

That was the highlight of my day. The RAMS won again today! They are undefeated and just keep muscling their way towards... yeah, they pretty much blow donkeys.

Brittany Murphy died!?! Really? I mean really, really?
 

... a word in edgewise!?! Thank you, finally.

Late last night after prowling the city for evil-doers, I returned to my Zack Cave and turned on the TV to find that TNT was running The Nativity Story all night long. I don't usually watch Bible movies (cause there will be absolutely no nudity unless it's The Last Temptation of Christ), but there was nothing else on. Besides I'm a sucker for period pieces.

I got to thinking though, this is what really holds back the Christian entertainment genre: crappy products. Bible movies are usually low budget and high melodrama that bores easily. What the religious right should do, instead of funding the Republican party and abortion clinic bombers, is make their own Hollywood... HOLY-WOOD.

Imagine it, just think of all the converts Christianity would get once they could afford to hire Steven Spielberg to direct!

But budgets aren't the only thing holding back Bible entertainment, the stories are so played out! I get it, the seas part, there's a plague, Judas conspires with a Poncho Pilot (poncho flying is another bible miracle), etc. etc. etc. Two words: Re-imagining. Shakespeare's stories have been played out tons of times, but people keep coming back cause they're rethought, and redesigned. Romeo and Juliet in the future? Did it. King Lear in feudal Japan with samurai? Akira Kurosawa's Ran, mugga-bubba.

Check it, if this Schlafly1 guy wants to re-edit the Bible to make it more politically appealing to him, then I say you can re-edit Bible movies to make them appeal to more people than just mouth breathers. Maybe Noah had a romantic comedy type adventure on his ark al la Confessions of a Shopaholic, maybe Jesus' 40 days-n-nights in the desert was more a road trip al la Road Trip.

But let's face it, what bible movies need most... naked broads. Mary Mags was a hooker (according to men, that type of human that hates any chick in power) so I says she should nakedize. Mother Mary? Why not? She was people too, she had to shower. Jesus had brothers too, and they weren't conceived without doin' it... just saying, I'm trying to save your church, Christians.

As for me and my burgeoning Buddhist practice, I want for nothing but my own enlightenment. And this helps:

Footnotes
1  http://www.ethicsdaily.com/news.php?viewStory=15100

... to be all up in arms and angry... but I could not care less, and I'll tell you why.

There's some story out there about a Texas 4th grader who has been separated from his class cause his hair is too long according to the school's dress code. This is where I'm supposed to say "What! That's ridiculous!" And comment on the story about how the school administrators are "idiots and blah, blah, blah".

Two reasons I couldn't care less: First, this is Texas, and who can ever explain what happens down there. They fry the mentally disabled for sport. Second, where the fk was everyone when I was getting into trouble for ridiculous things!?!

If you don't like that school's dress code take the brat to another school. I don't like this idea that kids are always right. They're not, in fact, they're rarely ever right. There's gonna be a whole generation of spoiled Ralphs and Reginas running around who think they can do no wrong cause it was easier for Mom and Dad to reinforce this notion than find a way to punish them. "My kid got in trouble at school!?! No! The school's at fault!"

I will not care about this brat and his hair. Not until he can impress me like this kid can.