What a day! It was my day off, but had to go in for an hour and a half. Why? The girl who was opening today lives in Wisconsin, right over the river. There's only ONE bridge that goes directly into Winona, MN from there. It was blocked off at 6 AM. Why? Nope, not an accident. Some lunatic was threatening to jump off of it!

Yup, she had to drive up to Wabasha and then come down the highway back to Winona. An hour out of her way. Our maintenance guy was stuck too, but when he called from another driver's cellphone, I told him to wait awhile and if he still couldn't get over, not to feel that he had to drive back to LaCrosse or up to Wabasha. He'd be excused if he didn't make it in.

I was so tempted to walk over to the bridge and push that jackass off of it. Sorry, but dammit. It's my day off, motherfucker!

Ah well. Patty got there and I came home. Then, Scott wanted to go shopping.

We've been arguing a lot about marriage, engagement, commitment, etc. He's been married and divorced twice and is afraid to do it again. I can understand that to a certain point, but up until today he has been stubbornly refusing to come to a decent compromise.

Today, he bought me a ring!

No, we aren't likely to actually take the final step, at least probably not for another 4 years, lol. But that's ok. He's obviously serious about making things work and staying together, and he is obviously really trying. I never thought we'd even get to this point, I was ready to give up on him.

I'm actually feeling happy. It's weird.
 

My New Year's Resolutions for 2008:

1. Go to Curves at least 4 days a week.
2. Limit Carbs to 30 grams a day or less 5 days a week and 50 grams or less 2 days a week.
3. Lose 100 pounds
4. Quit smoking for good
5. Convince my bf that, when it comes to marriage, the 3rd time really is the charm.
6. Get my next promotion at work.
 

Well, not much new to report. Been working my ass off as usual.
Have to work from 2-7 or 8 tonight, we aren't open tomorrow. We close at 6 tonight. So it will be an easy, and most likely boring shift.

My honey bought me a 42" flat screen HDTV for Xmas. He can be so sweet. He's gotten a lot nicer and more loveable since I almost left him. He actually apologizes if he acts like a jerk now. It's so much nicer this way.

The sex is still fantastic.

Today...I"m bored!
 

One of the hardest parts of being in an abusive relationship, whether physical, sexual, or emotional (or any combination thereof) is the feeling that you're totally alone...there's no one you can talk to, no one who will care. Men who are abusive will break down your self-esteem until you start to believe that they are the ONLY person on the planet who would even THINK of putting up with YOU. That no one really cares about you, you're nothing, nobody, useless...etc.

The problem is, this is very rarely, if ever, true. Chances are you have at least one family member or friend who would help you if you reached out and asked them.

I think, the biggest fear, is that people will think less of us. They'll see us as weak, stupid, worthless, because we are being abused.

Again, this is not true either. Some will, yes. Some people just don't understand. They think it's easy to just up and leave...no matter how long you were together, or if you have kids or not, it IS NOT easy,

Especially if you have good reason to fear for your or your children's safety.

If you have a job and family in the area, you're not going to want to leave the state and start over with a new name. You already feel so alone, that will, usually, just make you feel even more alone.

So, what's the answer?

I don't know...I used to think I knew that...I never thought I'd put up with half the shit I put up with. I never thought I'd be the one who people were telling to leave a man...never. I always dumped men who treated me badly.

Now, I'm with someone worse than anyone (well, except one) that I've been with before and I can't seem to break free. I do love him. I try to be understanding about his mood swings and nasty temper. I know he's a Vietnam vet and they do tend to have psychological problems. So, I try to hang in there during the bad times and cherish the good ones. Unfortunately, the good times are less and less and the bad times keep getting worse and worse.

I feel like a failure. All the love in the world can't make things better. All the patience and understanding can't fix someone who won't even admit they have a problem.

He has a bad attitude about women because they always leave him...he sees them as liars who didn't really love him and deserted him. I see why, now. He is 2 people. The sensitive, sweet guy inside is so scared of being hurt again that anytime he feels that a woman (me) might be "gaining and upper hand" or somehow taking away some of his control makes him feel threatened. I understand this...but it still doesn't excuse abusive behavior.

I just want him to be the way he is when he lets his guard down and is himself...the angry, scared man is just a wall...a cover...a protection against being vulnerable. But, I can't fix him.

He doesn't drink as much as he used to. He doesn't get into trouble at all, since we've been together. I know, in a way, I have been good for him. I know how he was when I was in the hospital for a week...he just drank the whole time, calling me wanting to know when I'd be home...

I know, he does love me, the best he can...and I know he needs me...I help keep him from completely falling apart...but, I can't save him from himself. And, I think his feelings of needing me are part of the problem...to him, that's a weakness. I'm no psychologist, but I can see exactly what's going on...I just can't do anything about it.

I don't want to give up. I don't want to be another woman who gave up on him, who failed him...but he's failing me and himself...it's self-destruction in slow motion and I can't let him take me down with him. I've come too far. It hurts. I love the good part of him so much...but I hate the mean, nasty part as much. I feel so torn.

I know, it won't last much longer if something doesn't change. But, I'm just not ready to walk away yet. My friends/co-workers see me as strong for some reason...If I'm so strong, why do I feel so weak?
 

Night before last I took a few drags off a few friends' cigs, just becuz I was so incredibly stressed. But, I didn't buy more (thanks Tim!) and I didn't have even one full one. So, I still consider myself smoke-free since October of last year.

Pot doesn't count. lol.
 

Well...I've been away, as you've all noticed. I'm a manager at McDonald's in downtown Winona now. It's great, but a lot more hours, naturally. Anyway...I'm busy as hell and I got in the habit of not writing...which is a very bad habit, indeed! So, I'm trying to get back on track that way. I also have been not working out like I was, so I need to get back on track with my diet and exercise program, too. The hard part of that is the stress I'm under at home. The job is nowhere near as stressful as living with a man with unpredictable mood swings and a nasty temper.

Today, he's been wonderful. The sex was fantastic this morning. But, I didn't come home after walking out on him night before last night. He got into his threatening mode, and I said, "I don't have to sit here and take this shit." and walked right back out the door. I had been out all day with a friend from work playing video games, didn't do anything wrong, per se...unless you consider flirting wrong. But, if it doesn't lead to more, I see it as a harmless distraction. Hell, he's about to leave his gf, and I'm considering leaving Scott...he's just too mean and nasty when he gets like that, I can't take much more of it.

Everyone at work tells me to leave him, of course. They're all willing to help me find a place and help me move. The night I stayed out all night, I had a few different people, including my boss, ask me why I didn't call them...I could have stayed with them if I needed to get out. I love my co-workers/friends. I just wish I could leave him as easily as that...but he really can be wonderful when he wants to be. He's just got control issues, is the main thing. Since I'm working full-time and no longer have to ask for money if I want something, that's really buggin' him. But, that's his problem.

I wish he could be like he was this morning, all the time. That would be great. Part of me still loves him, but I'm starting, slowly, to hate him too. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to move on. I hope. He thinks cuz he has a 100,000 life insurance policy on himself with me as sole beneficiary that that's why I'm staying. Bullshit. I don't care if he's 21 years older, there is no guarantee I'll outlive him. He could live 20-30 more years, like I'm going to stay with an asshole just for a POSSIBLE pay off? Fuck that. I'm NOT his personal whore. I really do think that's all I really am...to him.

He thinks cuz he doesn't cheat on me and gives me whatever I want, financially/materially, that I should be happy.

Fuck that.
 

I'm glad we don't live near Wilkes-Barre anymore, after watching the news last night and today. Yikes! Pennsylvania sucks anyway, so if it all washed away, no big loss. No jobs there anyway. That's why we came back to my home in Minnesota. Lots of jobs around here.

In 11 minutes I'll be smoke-free for 12 hours. I'm a bit edgy and jittery, but not too bad. Working out this morning seemed to help a little. Anyway. Nothing else new.

 

I've decided to quit smoking tonight. I've done it before, so I know I can do it again. I quit for 3 years before I moved to PA. Smoked for a year and then quit for a year again. So, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully, this time I can stay quit for good!
 

Still nothing new around here. Doing well with my diet, so far. Going to Curves everyday. Other than that, same old shit. lol.
 

ID: 1117126   (Rated: 13+) Title: Diet and Exercise Journal  Description: Just like it sounds! How more precise do you want me to be? By: Ms. Penguin

will show you how I'm doing so far now that I restarted my diet and exercise program. So far, so good. I feel good about it. I've lost about 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't even trying yet. lol. Probably the heat and humidity...haven't eaten as much, plus sweating and drinking more water. Hey, whatever works, right? Anyway. Not much else to say right now. Check out my other journal if you want.