How strange are the losses that we experience in our lives. In the last month I have gone through two huge losses in the last two months that have been so difficult for me. December 18th we found out that I had lost my pregnancy. I had been carrying our dead baby for three weeks without knowing it. I had the procedure to take the baby out only three days before Christmas. On January 18th, my husbands Step-dad passed away from terminal brain cancer. His struggle lasted for ten months, and ended at 12:10 in the morning. I was there to witness his last breath along with Dominick and my mother-in-law. I searched to find a reason for losing my baby, and could not find any, until the night that Bob died. It only occured to me then, that if it hadn't been for my losing the baby, and having such a hard time with attending my sister-in-law's baby shower only three days before Bob's passing (when Mom was also having a hard time being away from Bob), then mom and I would not have had such a perfect time to really bond. We leaned on each other when we needed one another most, and that was what made me decide to join Dominick in spending the night with his mom that fateful night. Because of these turn of events, I was able to be there for my mother-in-law, and really strengthen our relationship. I held her hand as she wept for her husband, rubbed her head and her back in attempt to comfort her. She is a beautiful woman, so strong. I am grateful for everything that has happened in the last couple of months. All of the things that seem horrible seperately, are perfect together. Because of all of the things we have all experienced apart from one another, we have been able to come together as one. I am going to present the communion at Bobs funeral on Wednesday, and I am so proud to represent the family in such a way. To honor Bob is such a way. When Dom and I first foind out we were pregnant with our daughter Theren, his mom was very aprehensive towards me, and I understand completely whey, but Bob, Bob treated me like I was one of the family right away, I never felt judged by him. The first day I met him, in fact, I felt so comfortable with him, that I jokingly called him a crazy old man! (which he laghed at nearly as hard as anyone else in the room) He loved in a way that I will never forget. I have him to thank for so much. If it weren't for his love, I would not have my husband, and my daughter. I have so much to learn form Bob Bond. I hope that when my time comes for God to take me back, I leave this world with as much as Bob did. Peace with knowing that I have fulfilled my purpose, and with my family by my side, loving me more than I can comprehend. I am grateful for all of the things, as painful as they may have been, that God has put me through, because though I may not understnad at the time why they are happening, I know that God is good, and He has a reason.

Thank you, Bob, for everything that you have given to me, and everyone you knew. Say hello to my grandparents, tell them I love them, I one day I will see you all again, and we will rejoice together for the love of God. I loved you dearly, Mr. Bond, I will see you when my time comes.
 

Well, here I am, only two and a half weeks preggy, and already I feel gross. I don't have any morning sickness this time, which is fantastic, but instead I have cold sores, and what seems like a highly irritable bowel. This sucks. My mouth hurts like hell, I have to drink through a straw and eat very carefully. My stomache is killing me, I eat and all of a sudden I'm running to the bathroom.

Just thought I would share in my misery.
 

Well, thank God Dominick and I make adorable children, because we're having another one!! Yes, even though we are still working on things, one thing led to another, and we're pregnant. This came as quite a shock, I was not prepared for it at all. I'm excited though, and so is Dom. I told my family today, and I once again love the fact that my parents are the coolest parents ever. They are nothing but supportive, as always. The only thing that is going to be sort of kind of challenging is the fact that this baby is due one week after Therens birthday. We already have names picked, if it's a boy, Vincent Robert. A girl, Devan Naya Keen. I can't wait to go in and hear the heart, and get an ultrasound, and find out what the sex is. The biggest concern of ours right now is the fact that I was taking Depakote, which causes Spina Bifida, but I've stopped taking it, so hopefully everything will be okay. I pray that it is. I will keep you all updated with everything!!
 

Last night around two in the morning Theren woke me up with her fussing. I could tell that she had lost her binkie. I got up and began the fifteen minute long search for a binkie. Stan had also gotten up from the noise and was helping me look. She found one in the hall mini-closet, placed neatly on top of a roll of toilet paper. I grabbed the small piece of plastic determined that it would eventually result in my death, and headed for the noise. As I eased open the door, Theren was there in her crib, on her tummy, looking at me with her mouth open, waiting for her binkie. As soon as the silicone nipple touched her lips she was out again like a light.


Yesterday Dominick came by after work to hang out for a while. I was finishing Therens laundry and Theren was "helping". I would sort everything into piles, shirts, pants, socks, and things to be hung up in the closet. Theren would then go around collecting things from each pile, and placing them back into the hamper. So Dom took her outside to play with her ball. When they came back in, Theren was so tired that she put the ball on the floor, and layed down using the ball as a pillow, not moving, just catching her breath. It was adorable.

Theren has a Winnie the Pooh Firetruck that makes lots of sounds and plays songs, and also blows bubbles. The seat of this truck lifts up in the back for storage. The baby like to put things like baby dolls and stuffed animals, or stans socks into the seat, but the other day, she wanted to put herself in that seat. She turned the truck on it's side, and started to back into the open seat. First she started by trying to wriggle her butt into the hole, then her feet. Let me explain something really quick. This space that she is trying to fit all of her 25 pounds 32 inches into is only 4"x6". Watching her was absolutely hilarious.

Theren is going through what I call a "relocating" phase in her life. She relocates everything. From her plate to the table, from one room to another, from her toy bucket to the floor, then relocating the toy bucket to the kitchen, and then all the toys back into the bucket, and back again. I don't know why, but it's annoying as hell. I have certain places for everything, my keys, my phone, so on and so forth, and Theren will relocate it, so that when I need it, I can't find it. Very nice. I found my cell phone in the pantry with all of the tupperware yesterday.

I have tons of fun stories, but right now I need to go take care of the baby. Hope you all enjoyed!!
 

Well, I am not sure where to start on this one. I'm sick. I have what's called Myoclonus, a form of epilepsy. I discovered this fact when I had a Myoclonic siezure on Friday and spent the night in the ER. Not my idea of fun, but hey, what can I do about it?? After CT scans and blood work (my arms have the nastiest bruises all over them from the nurse being unable to find a good vein) it was diagnosed: Myoclonus. I have started my anti-siezure medication which is like hell itself, because twenty minutes after taking it, my siezure has stopped, but I've fallen asleep leaning against a wall. I cannot function on these pills, and until I see my nuerologist on monday, I can't switch medications, so I can't work. All of this boiling down to I have no money, I can't get money, I'm poor, and I'm hungry. Thank the Lord for Cup-O-Noodle at 55 cents. On a good note, my husband has been super supportive and helpful through this all. He's agreed to help me with my finances, and he goes to all of my doctors appointments. He's been a blessing.

My bestest friend Stan moved into my house this past weekend. She and I used to work together at the restaurant, but now she works at a hair salon as an apprentice. She cuts my hair. She just did a couple of weeks ago, actually, shaved it all right off. It was fantastic. I'll try to remember how to post pictures so you all can see. I like, really, it makes me look skinny.

That's another thing. Since I've gotten sick, I've gone from 164 to 148. Not bad if I do say so myself. Not exactly how I pictured myself loosing the weight, but whatever, it's gone, and I'm happy about it.

I'm sorry this post seems more like a rambling than anything else, but quite honestly it sort of is. My brain just does that sometimes. Untill next time, my dear readers. I love you all.
 

I was sick all last week with pneumonia, and even though the infection is gone, I still feel as though I'm always having to catch my breath, and I know it's common to feel tired for a couple of days after, but what I'm experiencing is not feeling tired, it's being entirely exhausted. Going to bed at nine, sleeeping until eight, and taking a three hour nap everyday, still feeling unrested. I think part of that is due to the fact that I don't sleep well at night. I get this twitch in my left side that keeps me up or wakes me up, either way, my sleep is not peaceful, or restful. I have an appointment today with my doctor to discuss this among other problems I have at the moment, and hopefully they will all be solved, so I can get back to my regular life.

On a happier note, I chopped off all my hair!! Literally. I went from longer than shoulder length to 3/4 of an inch. I'd been tempted to cut it for a while, but never had the courage to do it, so, during one of my fever-driven rampages I called my friend Stan over and had her shave it off. She was not thrilled to do it, but once it was done, she admitted ( along with everyone else) that it was a good look for me. I've enjoyed the change. Not taking an hour in the shower because my hair was falling out, not having to brush it back for work, and my personal favorite, not having to be scared of my daughter pulling even more hair out!!! All in all, I love my new look, and I'm glad that no one has said anything negative about it yet. (that is, not to my face.) I will try to put on some pictures for you all to see, although I'm not sure when.

A sad note. My friend Tony died on Friday. He was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was 21. I told him time and time again that he shouldn't ride like such a crazy man or he was going to get himslef killed, and low and behold, what happened?I am sad at the loss, but I am more angry at his stupidity. He was more concerned with looking cool than being safe, and it cost him his life. Maybe next time our friend Stephen will think twice before speeding off on his bike to impress some chick in a bikini. What we don't learn from our own mistakes we may learn from anothers.
 

Well, I'm sick. Usually onc or twice a year I come down with a common head cold that quickly turns into a lung infection of some sort. This past February I had a flu that turned into pneumonia, keeping me in bed for two weeks. This time it's a cold, but it's kicking my butt. I'm so tired and sore just from coughing, I could sleep all day long, but I can't because I have to watch the baby and because my coughing keeps me up. >sad<

Wish me luck on getting well soon!!!
 

Tonight was a very bad night at work....I came this close to walking out. I've never felt so angry and upset at a job that I nearly walked out before. I've been angry, and upset, but never like this. Maybe it was influenced by the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, or that I was tired, but for some reason, people were pulling strings that shouldn't have been pulled. The worst part about it was the mistreatment by my manager. That blew my top more than anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting about the whole thing, but in any case, I'm filling out an application on Monday for another restaurant that will bring in alot more money for me. We'll see, I'll let you all know, I just needed to vent.
 

I'm home now, sadly. I don't think saying goodbye to anyone was as hard as saying it to Hoovey lastnight. These last three years I've missede her so much, once I was with her I dreaded having to leave again. There is truly no one else that I have this bond with. Even now I find myself wiping away the tears knowing that it will be a long time before I can see her again. It was too soon to be saying goodbye again, much too soon. We agreed that neither of us will ever be ready to say goodbye, and quite honestly if I didn't have Theren with me, I would have just stayed there permanently. I thought about it a few times actually. It's weird how you can be so attached to someone you haven't seen in years, and just at the sight of them you want to give up everything to ensure that you never have to be apart from them again. I know this sounds more like a romance than anything else, but sincerely this girl is like my other half. She saw me through things people only nightmare about, she was by my side every day, all day and every night all night. When two people go through what we went through together, naturally they grow a bond together that no one else knows about, or can experience. I love my Hoovey, and I miss her now even more than before I left. All I can think about is finding a way to see her and her husband again sooner than in another three years.
 

This State is amazing. My first comment to Hoovey as we left the airport was how overwhelmed I was by all of the green. It’s every-where. Plus the amount of open land here......You'd be amazed. Tens of acres sitting completely un-developed. Back in Cali nearly every bit of land is getting built on. Everyone is so nice here, full of hello’s and howdy's, no one looks at you that certain way that makes you want to go throw up whatever it was you just ate to lose a couple of quick pounds. I got to experience a "truck pool"....which means a truck pull, where guys with old, new supped up and stock trucks pull a tractor that was made ESPECIALLY for pulls. >sigh< it was definitely an interesting night. People cheering as the drivers try to pull this thing as far as they can before their truck either breaks or stalls. The war between Chevy and Dodge is insane, if a "dodger" passes by a "bowtie" the looks and the strings of swearing release with a power unlike any other. I went to a small bar called Joe’s last night and ordered an apple martini..........wrong thing to do. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I wish that I could have gathered them up and stuffed them back down my throat. Justin the bar tender stared at me for a good thirty seconds then broke out laughing. "Martin," Hoovey whispered to me, "drinks don't have fancy names here. It's an apple pucker and vodka." "Oh." I replied, and then repeated the order to Justin. Now this bar was owned by a retired game-hunter, and not only was it a bar, but also a show-room for all of his stuffed animals. A giant Elephants head hangs in the middle of the show-room, with the Feet as stools at a table directly below. Bears, badgers, lions, tigers, deer, antelopes, cheetahs, ducks, alligators, turkeys, squirrels, snakes, hippos, moose’s, Rhinos, beavers, a giraffe, anything and everything, he's got it. He had a bald eagle and a one other animal (I can't recall which now) but when they became endangered they were taken from him. You aren't allowed to have anything endangered or extinct because it promotes hunting them. In any case, it was strange to walk through and look at these poor animals in the eye, knowing that they were all real. Hoovey must have seen the look of sorrow and pain on my face because she quickly explained to me that all of these animals he shot because there was something wrong with them. Either they were sick, or injured, or some of them, like the baby tiger, were already dead when he found them. That put my heart at ease a little, but I still felt sad for them. I'm hoping to go back either tonight or tomorrow and take some pictures so I can post them for you all to see. Another big thing here is the Pittsburg Steelers. The football team practices about five miles away from here, driving anywhere you end up passing their field, only here, because of the accent, they are pronounced "the Stillers". I promised a friend of mine that I would get him a Steelers shirt while I was here, and that won't be hard to do because everywhere you turn there are two things that are in abundance. Steelers stuff, and either crosswords or word searches.

Well, that’s all I have to say for right now, sorry if this entry was kind of all over the place, I haven't slept much, and it's humid as hell here, but I'll write more when I get back home