Sometimes we actually learn things in science class.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljbI-363A2Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iGCGpOe2Jk
 

I've been at Tilton for about a week and a half now. Since then, this is the earliest I've ever been home. I've been swamped with classes, homework and soccer. I stay until dinner on normal school days, which means I get home around 7:10pm. I take a shower. I do my homework. I have a few minutes to check my email or speak to a friend. And then I go to bed.

I wish I could just go back in time two weeks and start everything over. Because everything I feared that would happen, happened. From the second day in I got into drama, lost what little connection I had with my new friends, and now I'm wrapped up in something with a guy I now realize I hardly know. But if I try to get out of it now, everyone will only hate me more, and I'll hurt a guy that I care about. I wanted to start blankly and cleanly, but since I've been there I've already been called a tease and a jerk. This isn't how I wanted to start the year off. Nothing is going as I hoped, and I can't think of a situation that would be worse.

My friends? Well...I don't think you can call them that. I don't really talk to them, because they're all closer to each other than they are to me. I feel constantly guilty around Ryan, especially when Dan is with me. And Dan? Well he's more than a friend now, isn't he?

I feel like I'm being crushed. Even on the rare occasion when I have no homework, I still feel like my shoulders have anchors strapped to them. The place that I once spent 90% of my life at, I now only come to to sleep.

I feel like I'm in the right room with all the wrong people. Or the right people at the wrong time.

It's too hard for me to explain when I'm so tired. I think what maybe I'm trying to say is that I love Tilton, but I hate my life right now. I'm falling apart very quickly, and I if things don't straighten out soon I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.


I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I have no where to escape to. And if you know me, you know how I am with closed in spaces.

I'm losing sight of who I am and who I want to be. I don't who I am anymore, or what is going on right now. But it's not like I have time to pursue who I want to be.


Oh, and my membership expires at the end of the month. And it's not like I have the money or gps to pay for that.
 

So I went off to preseason, met friends and met who I would call 'my team' for the fall season. But throughout the year, I think I'll still remember them as 'my team'. Because the minute I stepped onto that field, I felt like I was already as much a part of the team as the seniors. From the very first day, everyone was there for each other.

I remember soccer at Shaker - I remember Mr. GN having to lecture us on teamwork, passing and talking. He said that we played like individuals, not a team. But it's so different at Tilton. There are no lectures, because we're already a team. What took us months at Shaker took us only a couple days at Tilton.

The practices ran two and a half hours, in which we'd do a few running drills and play games. The coaches are terrific. They're nice and understanding. And to think, I was afraid they were going to be harsh and intimidating! We walked down to and up from the fields each day. I understand that we're all trying to be more eco-friendly, I just wish the hill Tilton was on wasn't so big. After a two and half hour practice, I'm kinda tired, you know? But whatever, I survived walking up the hill, and I'll continue to. We went for a morning run on thursday, and that was the hardest part of preseason for me.

Going from the oldest to the youngest in a school isn't easy. One moment you know everything and everyone in a school, and the next you know no one and are worrying about getting lost. It's a scary feeling, and I think it occurs the most with the switch from middle school to high school.

Having gone to preseason, I suppose I have a heads up on some it more than other freshmen who didn't attend. I know a basic lay-out of the campus, but I'll still have to figure out where my classes are.

On the first day, I was shaking with nerves. At lunch, I was so nervous, I pulled back on the silver lid of the macaroni serving dish and it came right off, and crashed into the serving dish behind it. I was so embarrassed. Luckily a staff member rushed over it fix it and laughed, so I served my food and quickly sat down, avoiding the stares. Now when I think about it, I can't help but laugh. It is going to make a great first day story.

I have a lot more to say about my four days at preseason, but if I said everything I wanted to I'd probably be writing all night. I had an amazing time at preseason, and I'll end this entry there. On tuesday, things will really start to heat up.
 

I spent a lot of today curled up on the couch with stomach cramps. The joy of being female.

But when they faded enough for me to get my head clear, I still spent all day on the couch; searching for the perfect Dr. Martens. A complete waste of a day, I know. Which is why I'm not going to do it again. I'm not going to give up on the search for the perfect Docs, but I realised I that there's only one month until high school starts.

In twenty-three days, I'll be off to the Tilton pre-season soccer camp. What I've been waiting for for almost two years is so close I can almost taste it. And the last thing I want to do is go into high school unprepared. So I'm going to finish my summer reading assignments, finish all the jobs I started to get money, and I'm gonna train for soccer. I got back on the treadmill today after a while of slacking.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to enjoy this last month, but I'm just going to make sure I have my priorities in line.
 

So I'm a little early writing this blog entry, but it's the best excuse for procrastinating from cleaning my room. And I guess I should explain, because my room is usually the tidiest in this house.

My old room, which I refered to as "the box" when it was my personal abode, has been a storage center for all the junk in the house since I moved out of it. From unused sheets, to hundreds of little plastic dinosaur toys, three-foot boxes filled with stuffed toys, a bed, and other random shit, it's basically been the dumping center for everything we clean out of our rooms. And not to mention my dad moved all the crap from the attic into it. Basically, it's become a room-sized time capsule. For over a year I've been on and off with cleaning it out. While I'm the only one actually contributing any work to the cause, everyone seems to have their own ideas to what is going to be put in the room once it finally is clean. I want to put a punching bag in there, while my dad wants to make it into a walk-in closet, and my mom wants to make it a guest room. Honestly, I think I should get to chose, because I'm the one cleaning it out. My mom helps...but not for long. On average, for every day I put into cleaning that room, she only puts in about twenty minutes. And if you don't know already, my dad does nothing but work, so there's not even a one percent change he'll help.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, I want to put a punching bag in there for kickboxing training. But it has to be clean first. Which is harder than you may think. In case I haven't made this clear, it was, in absolutely every literal term, impossible to get into that room. Seeing the floor wasn't an option unless you dived into the mess and swam to the bottom of it. It was piles of shit on top of piles of shit.

Yesterday, nothing really happened. I moved a giant office chair from there into the shed, and threw some random plastic machine into the garbage. Today though, a lot more progress has been made. I've removed most of the boxes, sorted out a lot of the old toys and crap.

But I couldn't do it in there, because...well...there was no where to do it. And I knew my mom would flip a shit if I did it in her room. So...I have to do it in mine. So now my room looks like a storage room. A lot of the boxes are mainly empty, but they're still piled high and wide. So if I want to get to my air conditioner, I can either step into a series of boxes or try and find a way through the maze the is my room to get to it. The same effort is required to pretty much get anywhere in my room now. Such a mess would usually make me really stressed, honestly it's only mildly annoying. Which is surprising, but relieving. I think because I know that this time, the room really is going to be cleaned out. I'm just dreading the argument of who puts what in there.

Digging through all my old junk wasn't terribly boring. I found a bag filled with old items that I had actually intended to be a time capsule. Inside was an old painted egg shell, a tiny sonic action figure, a few polished stones, one with a squirrel engraved into it and another with a ram, and a strange piece of wood. I also found my old treasure chest. when I opened it, I found tons of fortunes from Chinese fortune cookies, along with a slip of paper with an email on it. Burried under the fortunes was my old rosary, from Kindergarten. It was broken, or at least I think it was. I held it in my hand for a while, running my thumb over the small plastic beads. They meant nothing to me. I remember sitting in class in the mornings, and the teacher and everyone else counting the beads, but I was always lost, never sure what I was supposed to be doing or where I was supposed to be.

I don't remember much from my kindergarten year. I remember lining up to walk outside, fighting with my friends, sitting in the first grade class each week to see what it was be like. I remember that I liked being with the older, high school kids. I teased one boy in particular, and remember grabbing on to his backpack and being swung around. And I remember there was a particular girl - Lizzy - who I adored. And I remember other things to, like after school I would sit and cry until my mom picked me up. And I pretended to be sick for two weeks, so I didn't have to go back.

That school screwed me up. It may have only been for a year, and I may have been to young to remember much of it now, but it's one of the things I blame most for being so screwed up now.

So after staring at my rosary for a few minutes, I tossed it into the trash behind me. It wasn't to get back at that school, or to offend anyone, I just didn't have a use for it, so there was no point to keep it.


Anyway, things to sort, boxes to kick over, miles to run, I'm a busy girl, which means I gotta get goin'.
 

A few days ago I started to notice that quite a few crows have been hanging around our house lately. Living in a rural area, we've always had lots of wildlife around our house, birds included. Crows aren't uncommon, but they've never been so prevalent. When I look out the window in the morning, I see them marching about our lawn. When I take the dogs outside, they're there watching us. They're everywhere, all the time. Every day. It's not like they're a huge problem or anything. Besides the noise (And they can be quite noisy) they're not doing any harm. I've always been pro-animal, and they have just as much a right to be on our front lawn as we do. I'm just saying, why are they only starting to hang around so much now?


Shaker Road has always had a big crow problem. After lunch, kids throw their lunch boxes next to the tree outside the 600 building and then procceed on to the Pavilion. If you're stupid enough to bring a paper or plastic bag lunch, or leave your lunch box unzipped, the crows will finish off your lunch for you. And sometimes even try and fly off with light lunch boxes. In the morning, they stand on top of the 600 building and watch us as we walk (walked) up to the building in the morning.


Whenever I think about swarms of crows, The Messengers (Which isn't as good or as scary as the trailer makes it look) always comes to mind first. Next is the third Pirates of the Carribean movie, in the scene where the crows eat a caged prisoner alive.


As I said before, I'm not bothered by the crows, and unless they start to get violent I'll continue not to be. We've had some pretty wierd things happen around this house, like a swarm of oversized re-generating flies, (Which I'm sure I wrote about at one point or another in here) odd, unexplainable smells, wierd drafts, and, let's face it, the history of this house in general. So adding an influx of crows to the list won't make much of a difference to this land's wierd factor.
 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20080710/hl_hsn/melanomaratessoaramongyoungerwomen;_...



 

The past few days haven't been overly exciting, but I can't say that they've been terribly boring. I've been running about the house doing odds and ends. Yesterday (I think it was yesterday) there was a black bear in our backyard. I managed to get a couple photos of it before it ran across the road into the marsh. During the minute or so that I watched it, I shook with excitement. The only wildlife we get in our yard is the ocassional flock of turkeys. The others, such as foxes, deers, etc. only come out while I'm asleep.

I've been out of school for less than a week, but already I'm losing track of the days. Yesterday I thought it was tuesday, and on sunday I thought it was saturday. If I'm this bad now, I wonder how I'll be in a few weeks. I probably won't even be able to tell what the date and day is from looking at a calendar.

Of course, an agenda always helps. The kickboxing place called today, and on wednesday I'm going over there to try it out. I'm excited, but after a day and night of partying, I'm not sure how much fun it will be. I'll be in after-party state which I have dubbed as 'crashing'. Kickboxing will give me something to look forward to every week. The course is on-going and you pay monthly, which I prefer rather than a course that only runs six weeks or so. The only thing though, is competitions. My mom clicked the 'competition' box online without realizing the risks that it proposed. Yeah, I could always back out and say it's only for fun. But what if I wanted to compete? I mean, yeah, it would mean a lot more pain than I'm used to. But I need to toughen up anyway, don't I? I'm just trying to balance out the amount of pain I'd be experiencing with how much I'd actually get out of it. So I'm still deciding. But, if I think of it in a funny way, I'd love to go to school with a ghastly bruise and say to my friends, "You should see the other girl."


I mentioned my party. It's tomorrow at three. It's supposed to rain and thunder, so I should probably plan something to do if a storm forces us inside. Claire is coming an hour early to help me set up, and plus she's bringing her iHome, because my speakers crackle when I blast the volume.


So while I hope it doesn't rain on my parade.


It's a graduation party....




and I hope the neighbors don't complain about the noise.
 

Yesterday was the first day of summer. It took a little while to hit me, and I'm not even sure if it completely has yet. My time at Shaker has officially ended. I finally got what I had wanted all year. And now I'm free. I get a clean slate. I decided to get rid of most written memory of my younger years. I made a 'burn box', which is now half full. Its contents range from my despised study skills book to several old diaries which contain old secrets and embarrassing things that I wish I had never written down. Which is exactly why I'm burning it. I could, of course, just throw it away, like I'm doing with a bunch of my other old junk. (Mostly because something bad would result from burning most of it) but then it would never be completely gone. It would take a long time for the pages to go back into the earth, but this way it'll all be gone quickly. It seems more final. It's simple, really. I'm disposing of the things I don't want to remember. Of course I still will remember them. But at least I won't have any evidence, so I can silently deny everything. I burned every page from when I had seasonal depression. The only evidence is left in here; my blog. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd delete every morbid entry. Anyway, we're having a ceremonial burning at my party on the 17th. I just have to dig the bonfire pit first.

I guess I should mention that I'm going to start kickboxing. I've found a couple places close by, and I'm just waiting for my mom to call them today. It'll keep me from epic boredom over the summer. Who knows, I'll probably even buy a punching bag.

For a few days, I'll be going through my "To Do" list, finishing every little chore that can keep me busy. After that, I'll earn some money by doing odds and ends. And then I'll write, read, practice soccer and kickbox all summer. Along with a couple week-long vacations, the normal get-togethers and a lot of parties.


It's going to be a good summer.


 

Alright, so I've been procrastinating against my big duties that I have to do this month. Adding to that list of things that I have to do in April is a big history paper. We have to write about something that we've learned about this year, and can choose from the following topics: government, architecture, human rights, women's rights, agricuture, inventions, literature, and art. But we have a lot of leash. I asked Mr. GN if I could do philosophy, and he said it was fine. Now the hard part is choosing a philosopher. He said that Plato, Aristotle and Socrates are very over-done, so I've decided to do someone else from our textbook...but I just don't know who. I have a small list, including Sophists, Stoicism, Epicureans, and Scholastics. But it'll take some research to help me decide.

It felt like spring today. Despite the gray sky and snowy ground, the air, the heat, the atmosphere, it all felt spring-like. Which definitely put me in a good mood. Probably why I have the energy to start my homework so early.

So it's time for me to get my act together and start all the big projects, because I know this month will be a lot less stressful for me if I get my science fair done early. I've decided that I'm going to work on my history paper while in England, which will require me to bring my laptop there, but it's not that much of a hassle. I'll leave the cooler here to make it lighter.

Anyway, homework to do...
 

Today was gray and wet. Sometimes it rained, and sometimes we were just enveloped in fog, which made us all wet. It reminded me of when we were in the white mountains, which of course reminded me of when things were perfect with Tucker.

But I tried to put everything out of my mind today and just focus on school, because I'm not doing so well in it right now. So my priority now is school, which, with all the homework, papers, and quizzes due this week, is definitely a good thing.

I'm looking forward to thursday. I'm bringing Claire, Sara and Morgan to my clinic (Claire is in the clinic with me now!! ) and then I'm taking Sara and Morgan to see the Blue Man Group. (Claire is being picked up by her mom)

This week is going to feel longer than usual, partly because it's our first week back from the skiing season and partly because it's the week before vacation.

Either way, school first, everything else second.
 

I have no idea how it works, but I don't really care.

All that matters is that it does.

It always cheers me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13RGx1zVV0
 

Well, I've managed to get through this winter with only one cold. I thought it was just going to be a good year.

Until yesterday. I woke up with a sore throat and could hardly swallow. I went to bed at 9:30 last night, and couldn't sleep. I woke up every hour and would just sit there tossing and turning. It was horrible. So when I woke up this morning after my few hours of sleep, my face felt like it was on fire and my head was throbbing.

So I'm taking this day for myself. No school; sitting and watching tv and reading. Should be exciting.

But I swear, if this cold doesn't clear up for my birthday and my party, I'm going to be freaking pissed.
 

I saw on the news last night that it was going to snow today, I still needed to go to school because of the history midterm. I convinced my mom to let me go, but didn't really want to leave. I needed to sort things out with Tucker.
But she didn't want to drive in the snow. So she picked me up just after third period, and I never got to talk to Tucker. So I won't get to see him now until monday.

But I have a lot of things to look forward to this weekend, as I've said many times before.

My mom bought four tickets to some concert. Elton John I think. It's in early March, which means that we'd be cutting our England trip a few days short. It doesn't make me happy, but I have the feeling tht it would happen whether I agreed to go or not. Apparently Elton John is a big deal.



Anyway, I'll be drifting in and out of scroll, so if you want to talk, I'm here.
 

Today was better, I guess.

Still didn't eat any lunch.

Molly's spreading a rumor that I like Trevor because I hung out with him for the last two classes of the day.

I have no idea what that rumor is going to do to my relationship with Tucker, and I'm worried sick right now. I just hope he's smart enough not to believe it...

I didn't finish my Larry in time. So now it's late.


The stress is definitely getting to me. Thought I'd skipped right over the dark pit, but apparently I was mis-leading myself...
 

When all else fails...

this seems to have the magical ability to cheer me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG320ZwViOE
 

About two hours ago I fell asleep, and only woke up a few minutes ago. I didn't want to fall asleep. I was in the middle of studying, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything today. I still have a ton of studying to do, but my eyes are burning and my head is aching. My mom lost the tv remote, so I can't turn the volume down. Meghan is mad at me because I've been studying all day instead of talking to her. And I still have other homework to do. I hate this.
 

I've been studying pretty much all day. I wrote a little bit earlier on, but other than that, I've just been studying with a few short breaks. I have a headache, only minor, but still irritating. I feel like I've accomplished almost nothing, despite all my studying though. I still have the map to study, which has thirty-three questions on it. I have to go over all my flashcards (Who knows how many) and memorize it all.

I also have my Larry project due thursday, which I haven't even started. Plus the history midterm which I haven't studied a minute for. Terrific.

My time seems to be running short. If I think about the months I have until graduation, February, March, April, May, June, then it feels like graduation is just around the corner. But if I count the months, then it seems like forever. Five months. February, March, April, May, June. It's wierd. I don't think anyone feels like I do. They still consider it a long time either way.

Leaving Shaker is gonna be a big step. Since fourth grade, I've made friends, lost friends, grown comfortable with everyone and everything around me. It's gonna feel wierd to leave, but also be a huge relief. Like I said in my last entry, I can't wait to start over.

As for right now, and the five months I have left as an eighth grader, I guess I should give it all I got. I only get to be an eighth grader once, after all. In some ways I feel older than thirteen, and in some ways I feel younger. In my last entry, I said that I'd probably found myself. Course I didn't believe it then and still don't. I'm still 'finding' myself. *Sigh* It annoys the hell out of me, I'll tell you that. But of course I guess I'm standing on that huge dividing line between childhood and teenager/adulthood. I wonder what would happen if the line cracked open into a dark, unexplored abyss and I fell through. Or maybe it would be different. Maybe I would have the choice to jump or fall. Yeah...

I'm getting through this winter with minimal depression. Which is quite a pick up from last winter. There are still some symptoms that I can tell though. A few headaches, irritability (), and, most common, my sensitivity to light. The day seems far too bright for me now. Even when I'm in my room at night, I keep the main light off and switch on only two lamps, doing my homework mostly in the dark. I was in the kitchen yesterday with the lights off, and my mom turned them on as she passed by. I had to turn them off again because I couldn't stand it. So maybe sitting in a large amount of light all day is what gave me this headache. The main lights in the livingroom are off, but there's a lamp on, and all the curtains are drawn back from the windows. And it just had to be a sunny day today. I would have closed the curtains, but my mom would only make me open them again, so what's the point. I could go up to my room, but I'd probably be more tempted to be on the computer than study. (Kind of like now... ) So my goal lately is avoid as much light as possible...

and study. Study HARD. And get all my work done. Because if I want to go away to Exeter and board, like I described in my last entry, then my grades have to be better than good. They have to be great.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have some studying to do.
 

I got lucky. At the beginning, the weather was on my side. half way through the day, everything cleared up. My mom could have taken me to school, but she didn't.

So I spent my whole day writing, reading and watching. More writing than anything. I watched Epic Movie (Stupidest movie on the face of the earth) read a few chapters in Eclipse, and wrote five pages. Going on six. And then seven. Who knows, I'm not done writing. So back to it.
 

My mom said that there's a 90% chance I won't be going to school tomorrow because of the snow. So...what's the point of studying for history? Well, in the completely possible but unlikely case that it doesn't snow, and I do go to school, but haven't studied, then I'm 100% screwed. But my brain is all fuzzed up and I'm wicked tired. I didn't get home until 7:00 because of the stupid Washington meeting at school. But I am pretty much incapable of studying right now. Except if I don't, and then go to school tomorrow, I'll die. So. I'm in a dilemma. Believe me, you're saying "Just study, what's so hard about it?" But it's NOT. Not when I feel like I do. The only thing I can hear in my mind right now is..."Ugh...tired...soccer...Tucker...tired...friends...party....tired...music...tired...SLEEP". Know the feeling? Yeah. So I'm in a dilemma.


Save me.