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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I am not a happy person inside right now and I really don't know why. It really sucks because I am a problem solver, I jump all over a situation, and critique it until I find out why it is not working properly.......it is a great trait and at times I am very good at it. I can stay calm through the toughest trials and make very level headed decisions. It is what I do at work, what I do for my friends and family, it is what I do well.......but not for me. With myself, I can't seem to see objectively, the answres don't come because the sitiation is cloudy. I can't solve it because I don't really know what the problem is. My life is on a certain track which is not necessarily the one I thought I was on. It is like you are traveling along and you think the next intersection is the right turn. You take that turn but feel a little apprehensive about the choice. There is a point where you could turn around and not lose much time, yet you don't because the terrain looks a little familiar and you reluctently keep going forward. There then comes a time when you think you probably made a choice that will not turn out the way you hoped.....probelm is, you are running low on time and gas. If you turn around now, you will probably not make it back in time and probably will not have enough fuel. If you continue forward, you have the same delema, maybe not enough time and probably not enough gas. What you end up with is a no win situation unless there is some type of intervention......perhaps coming upon a gas station or a hotel? So...even though you know you are not on the track you first thought, there is no doubt that turning around will cause some serious hardship as you will end up walking through the darkness looking for gas. Your only choice (it seems) is to continue and hope for something to happen that will change the situation. Of course you always have the option of stopping right where you are at and setting up camp but there is this driving forse that keeps telling you you have to get to the end, you have to finish this journey..........but you know not of the what the end brings. That is the unsetting part of the whole thing......no plan, no control, no knowledge of what the prize (if any) is, and no hint of what the right choice really is......I could stop here and find out someday that I was supposed to go forward....I could go forward only to find out my best destiny was to turn around and regroup..........If I turn around, I will never know if I was right or wrong. Even though I now realize my life is made up of abitrary twists and turns that have made little sense when looking at the big picture, I have no choice but to ride out my past decisions and live with the consequences I have brought upon myself. |
| People seem to think that when one is alone, they are lonely and a lonely person merely needs people around to solve their dilemma. What they don't realize is that being alone has little bearing on how lonely a person is. A person can be lonely in a room full of partiers, regardless of how much commotion there is or they can be lonely when in a secluded situation. At the same time, a person can be very content when they are alone and not be lonely at all. That is because being lonely is directly related to how connected one feels. It doesn't matter where you are or how many people are around you, if you do not feel connected then you will be lonely. Many married people go home to their spouses every night yet they are still lonely if there is no connection. That is why people join clubs and form groups.......WDC for a great example, we come here for the carmaraderie and form on line relationships...we become connected and that is the key. It doesn't even have to be people as I can run trails for hours and because of feeling connected to nature, I am never lonely. The same way a Monk can live in solitude yet not go crazy. He is connected to God and that pushes loneliness aside. If you are a lonely person, rather than trying to find a mate, look for people who have common interests as you, join them and soon you will begin to feel a connection. Once that happens, the loneliness will fade away. |
| As humans, we have a large variety of emotions. They can mix and mingle to create many feelings. Did you ever wonder why we have them? It seems we only need emotions during our time here on Earth. Without them, there would be no life...or at least no variety to give us memories. If you think about it, all the memories we have wether good or bad, are of a certain emotional state. If you were to sit still in a blank room with no interaction of any kind with people or weather or temperature or anything that stimulates us, how would you judge time? You could sit there for hours and nothing changes. Without changes, you have nothing to remember as every moment of our memory is compared to something else and that relative comparison is the actual memory. So, with nothing happening and nothing changing, we are a dormant blob with virtually nothing to feel or say. How boring would 70 or 80 years of that be? Realizing this, we should be damn glad that everyone is different, has personal views, and irratic emotions that clash with our own. As I sit here writing, I am beginning to understand that all my past years have formed the entity I see in the mirror today. To be proud of who I am means I have to be proud of who I was and what I did. The good and bad merge together, neither one more important than the other. What that means, is we can't be perfect because if we were, we would be that blob sitting in a room creating zero memories. We are the person we are today because of the experiences of yesterday and we will be a different person as we create new experiences. We can't and shouldn't want to change the past because it is an intricate part of us. We are a recipe of sorts and even the ones that sour have a certain amount of value. As much as we talk about hating all the bad things in life, we need them to thrive emotionally. Until we accept who we are, how can we expect others to. We have to stop blaming others and wishing certain things never happened. The fact is things happened, some might have been pretty bad, but we can't change the past and it is what it is. We need to get past the bad feelings by embracing our turmoils and realizing we were strong enough to make it through. The past is the heritage of who we are today and we must stand tall and be proud of our accomplishments. If we use our experiences of the past as a means to guide us into the future then we can evolve into something better and stronger. |
| A thought……… let’s say you found a special colony of bees that provided your family with a very special needed ingredient for your survival. The colony requires a special environment to flourish. The place they are at is along drive from you so you have to travel there periodically to oversee their colony and also to harvest the ingredient you need. They kind of know you are there yet you make sure you do not make yourself apparent because they would view you as a threat and an intruder. If they thought they were in danger, they might attack not realizing that you are the key to their survival. It is because they are not advanced enough intellectually to understand you. Not only that but if they knew what you were doing they might think they can control you because you need what they have. The problem is though, there some bees that fight amongst each other and a select few that are doing things to endanger their on environment thus their own survival…..so you have to interfere some but you try to merely guide them through prodding techniques so you don’t upset their delicate balance and alarm them. You use a different dimension to interact and somewhat hide but at times to do the things you need, you have to be in their dimension (which means you are visible to them) A few of them are more advanced and do feel (and sometimes see) your presence. They know without knowing why that you are interfacing with their world for a reason and it is not a threat. They feel things they don’t completely understand and realize there is something going on much greater then what they see in their own little world. Like the bee hive, I think the earth is a special place and we are cherished by those who need us. They can’t and won’t interfere to a point that they take control because it would not allow us to evolve naturally on our own. As we grow, we experience growing pains, it is as much a part of the process as it is the answer to our very being. I think the supernatural, the aliens, the force that inside of all of us, is all related and part of the same entity. The earth to your special bee is as much the universe to them as ours is to us. We are not alone and we are not inferior, we are just part of the whole process and once we understand that and live accordingly, we will understand the whole scheme of things. For now I am OK with being a bee, but I long for the knowledge I am lacking. I think I am ready to take it. |
| Right now it is good that one does not have to campain and be elected to retain our titles. My self given title of writer has been grossly neglected and as of late, I have written absolutely nothing. I seriously am beginning to think I have lost the internal drive and natural expression to be creative. It is just plain gone. I wrote some pretty good stuff a year ago and not much since. I have a yellow suitcase that has been unsuported for all that time. I wounder if an author who only wrote one book and then nothing for many many years, are they still considered a writer? Sure thay are still an author....but are they a writer? I want to be a writer....I want many things as I age....but I am getting nothing and it is because I am not putting in much effort. Perhaps it is just a lull, but it could very well be a trend. I just don't know. |
| I had a dream last night. I suppose some might consider it a nightmare, though not scary at all. This dream is still very vivid in my mind, funny how some seem to affect you more than others. I suddenly became aware that my wife and I were traveling through New Hampshire. We had just left some function, not sure what we were doing there but I felt it was enjoyable yet necessary. I was driving and a little confused of my direction. I felt I was going the right way but things were familiar like I had already passed them and was driving in circles. Also I was a bit worried as I passed a sign the indicated I was heading for Vermont, which is the opposite direction than my destination of Maine. Though I was driving on a state road with fairly heavy traffic, I suddenly found myself on a dirt road and came upon the end of the road. There were a bunch of people there and they were digging dozens of graves. Some of the dug holes had caskets in them and others the caskets were sitting beside waiting for the hole to be finished. It wasn’t scary and for some reason, it didn’t feel odd to me. I suppose it should have as this was not normal and how come there were so many graves and dead people all at the same time and place. I also wondered why there were no powered machines (like backhoes) digging instead of people using shovels. We pulled to the side and looped around. There was a man and woman standing there and we got out of the car to ask directions. These two seemed to be in charge and behind them were a row of doors and inside each door was a seat and a phone. The man came up and said they were offering free phone calls to market their business. He said we could call any deceased person we wanted. My wife didn’t say a word, she just walked up to the first door, went inside and started dialing. I knew she was calling her dad. He died of cancer, she spent the last three weeks with him and was there when he died. They did not have a good relationship as he struggled to show his affection and instead treated her badly. He told me once how much she reminded him of his mom and how much he loved her……but he not only didn’t tell her but he actually acted like he didn’t care for her. It was no surprise to me that she was calling him. I couldn’t wait for her to finish so I could call my dad, I really wanted to talk to him……I needed to talk to my dad. Well she came back and she was crying. Not a bad way but more like a relieved but sad cry. I held her in my arms and gave her a few minutes to compose herself and tell me what happened. I was wondering, was this real? Could we really talk to the dead? How amazing this was. Well as I was waiting, I turned and looked at the clock. It read 3:28 Am. My alarm was set for 3:30 am which is the normal time I get up. I could actually get up 20 minutes later but I have been working out for 20 minutes in the morning before work. It seems easier to schedule and I actually feel good after. It is funny because I set my alarm every morning but wake up a mere 2-3 minutes before it goes off and this morning was no exception. Today though, I was not happy…..I wanted to finish the dream, I wanted to know what my wife’s father had to say, I wanted the chance to make my call. I reset the alarm for 20 minutes later and figured I would just not workout this morning, the outcome of the dream was much more important. It seemed so real that I felt it must be real. I was sure that there was an important message that would change the direction of my life. I closed my eyes in childlike expectation. One second later the alarm went off and it was 3:50Am. What? I didn’t dream anymore and the whole 20 minutes was gone in one second. What happened to the time? This surely did not seem fair as I didn’t get to use the phone……I didn’t reach the outcome. It was so real. This is not the first time this has happened to me. Why do I dream right before I wake up and it is timed just perfectly so that the most important part comes when It is too late? As I think about it, I do not remember ever finishing a dream….they never end…ever. I wonder what my wife’s dad said? I wonder what my dad would have said. I felt his presence…….I know he was there waiting for the call. I lost 20 minutes. Do you suppose it is possible that I did return to the dream, that I did make the call and I just don’t remember it? Where did that 20 minutes go? It seems unfair that I gave up the time yet received no benefits. |
| I've been thinking that I will probably be considered an eccentric old man as I get older and I am feeling that I guess that would be OK. I know in movies it is considered mostly a bad thing and in real life people look down on eccentrics. But as I think about it, I realize that eccentric(ism) is really just a side step from what normal people think is normal. So, now the word normal begins to muddy up the water a bit as most people who consider themselves normal are comparing their outside appearance and actions to others outside appearance and actions. Isn't it true though that most of us have a hidden part of ourselves that we actually consider different from everyone else and only allow that personallity out when no one is around or watching? In my case, I will sing with no reguard to tone or proper words when I am by myself, say driving alone, when home alone or in the shower. I sometimes even dance around and talk to myself out loud......if someone caught that on video, how do you supppose it would look? My point is, I think we are all eccentric and actually we like that side of ourselves, some just show it more than others. It seems the ones that show it more are actaully being much more honest with themselves and the people around them. It is a must that we be just like everyone around us? Is it up to others to decide what is actually normal and what is not? Also, isn't normal really just a relative thing? Don't we all secretely desire to be famous? Well a person becomes famous because they are different in some way and others want to be like them. I thought about some of the words that describe eccentric and found it interesting that there isn't one that relates to only bad things. Unusual...............isn't this a trait that attracts (he is so dreamy with those unusual eyes) Odd.....................isn't this a trait that has made many movie stars famous? Irregular...............If regular blends with the average, then to stand out we have to be the opposite. Erratic.................unpredictable, doesn't this radiate sensuality Peculiar...............Again many famous people became famous with this trait. Elliptical...............How could this be considered bad, our planet travels an eliptical path every day. Unconventional......Hmmnn..like unconventional wisdom? Finatic..................direction driven (how many famous people fit this one?) doesn't one have to be finatical to excel at anything, sports,politics,religion.. If an inventor didn't think out of the box, there would never be new things and ideas, no inventions like computors, light bulbs, no bake cookies........we wouldn't even be wearing clothes. It takes thoughts out of the ordinary and vision to change the world around us. I guess my point is that I should be striving to be eccentric....if I want to reach my dreams. We spend our whole lives trying to fit in, when we should be trying to just be ourselves. |
| It seems lately I am bubbling over with internal feelings...yet I have nothing to say. Isn't that kind of wierd? I mean if all those thoughts and emotions are hanging there, ripe for the picking, then why can't my fingers relay the message? It doesn't help that the world is so screwed up right now, and my life is no exception. Oh....It is not bad, just not many good things going on and with this economy we can't look forward and dream like we used to. I used to day dream a lot about when money is more abundant and when my life gets better, but now I have much less hope as the world appears to be in a tail spin. I don't want to go with it but I feel dragged along with little choice of my own direction. I hate to hear myself think this, but I think if there ever was a time for someone to believe in devine intervention, It seems now would be the time. The world leaders don't seem to have a clue and they are running everyone right into the ground. I try to dream of better things and only see this huge dark cloud trying to devour our world. I see the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer and the middle class dropping down to the poor. Soon there will only be very rich, a huge gap and then the poor. Us poor folk will have to give all our money to the greedy rich and we will have to go without so they can have lavish lifestyles. It is already happening and it will not stop. This is not what I envisioned when I was a young lad growing up.....boy was I wrong. Life has become more linear as we all slide around and try to bunker down our position. The best we can hope for right now is a miracle. All this coming from a true optimist!! |
| I only want to understand life, yet everyone has their own thoughts and views. Is there a possibility of finding the right true answers? This question has plagued me for quite some time now. Do you suppose there is a valid reason why we can not find one answer that is the correct one? Life as we know it is a pyrimid, we continuously push to reach the top. It is there that we hope to know and feel we have done the right job. I have seen people that thought they were there, they preached their view and many people believed in them. They became rich and powerful in the process. We wanted to be like them, we idolized their ways......then we found out they were human and the only top they actually made it to was a facade. All because they were overcome by their own power. We can't control the power and that is why we can not seem to elect the right people to political positions. They might have good intentions but once they taste the power, they are drawn to the dark side. When we have control over others lives, we for some reason decide we know what is best for them, we want to make all their decisions and drive their destiny. Isn't it entirely possible that our clouded view is a bit selfish and we are really only trying to control ourselves but do not know how to accomplish the feeling and level we crave. So if we put others on our plane, then we feel better about our own position in life. Through control, we catapault ourselves above them and finally we feel superior. Feeling superior gives us the false sensation that we are closer to the top of the pyrimid. We must be getting closer because we keep pushing others below us as we ascend. Is this how humans are supposed to act? We all do it but most of us do not admit it. Hey, it feels great if my essay wins a contest. It proves to me that I am a better writer....I am better then all the others that entered. It feels good to know that. I want my peers to acknowledge my amazing accomplishments. Why?...because it feels good, it makes me superior, I must be getting closer to the top. I will admit that I have these feelings and I am selfish in that way. It seems that it is wrong, it makes me think that striving for the top is not the right path afterall. How can it be if it creates a superior person with too much power over others? What if we are all going the wrong way? What if everything our parents and their parents taught us is wrong? If you don't agree with me, just look around you, look around the world, watch the news. What do you see? Power, greed, hate, pain........are these things that are good? I think we have evolved into monsters and no matter how hard we try, we can't stop our destiny......you know why? Well because life here is a double edged sword. If someone fights us and we don't defend ourselves, then we will be taken over by them and they will control us...we will lose our freedom. If we fight back, we retain the freedom but lose our compasion and we become like a mirror image of the people we are fighting. We can't win because if we win, we lose.....if we don't fight, we lose. It seems perhaps the whole world as we know it has progressed to a very wrong place and the only way out is a massive and complete change.....perhaps that is what the Myans were predicting, a change in the world as we know it. Yes many look at the change as devistaing....why wouldn't they as they are afraid to lose all their power. I for one embrace the thought of complete change.....because where are we really heading right now? What will we really gain as we travel on the path we are on right now? Perhaps we don't make it to an eternal place until we stop trying to ascend to the top top of this fantasy world we have created. Our survival instinct keeps us going because we are afraid of letting go. Perhaps the road is not what we think and leaving this world is the only way out of the mess we have created. Only, we can't leave until we learn that and we haven't learned anything by merely stating it. What that means is , I guess we have to stay here and struggle with our lives until the answer smacks us asside the head and we finally know what to do. If we don't know deep inside, then it is not our time and we have to continue to attempt to survive. Like in the Matrix, when the kid bending the spoon with his mind is asked how he can possibly bend the spoon, he replies, "easy, there is no spoon" Perhaps in our lives, there is no answer. |
| This is a time of year that many people reflect on the past 11 months, try to understand themselves and bring their ups and downs into relevancy. Soul searching in a way to convince themselves that the year has brought their lives to a higher plain. Are we seeing the honest truth though or is our mirror distorted by a convex view? Do we see our true selves or merely an image of who we want to be? Perhaps what we should see is the reflection of who we want to be rather than who we are. Until recently I thought a mirror should be honest and reflect who we really are, but after reading about a couple's passion to hike the Appalachian trail, I realized the mirror's job was totally different. If one looks in the mirror and sees a reflection of a non-hiker,a non-runner, a non anything, then perhaps that is all they are and all they will ever be. In this reading, the hiking couple apparently looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of two people with huge backpacks on, wearily smiling from ear to ear as they take the last step of their journey. They saw this same reflection every time they looked in the mirror, regardless of what obstacle was thrown in front of them. They did not quit after hiking more than 1500 miles and being forced to stop because of an injury that postponed the continuation of their journey for a year. No, they still looked in the mirror and not only saw the projected end of their trek, but took that last step of the journey together. If the mirror only reflected their current image then perhaps they would never had finished the hike. I am envious that I didn't take on a journey like theirs, envious that I didn't have a personal relationship that paralleled theirs. Two people on the exact same wavelength, wanting the same end result and having the willpower and tenacity to see it through. Yes, I am impressed and somewhat jealous as my journey at their age was so different and uncontrolled. perhaps adventures like theirs are long past for me but surely there are still images to be reflected from my mirror. I now believe I should view things differently and use the past as great memories but not as a means to judge my capabilities. Even at my age, my future is still what ever image the mirror can show me. I no longer need to reflect on last years or the last decades accomplishments. Instead I have to discount the true reflection of my past and embrace the distorted image of who I want to be. I will be 54 in two weeks. My dad passed away when he was 54. He was feeble as I remember and I believe when he looked in the mirror he saw a feeble reflection of a once great and strong man. Perhaps if he had seen something other than the truth, he might have stayed around longer. The mind is a very strong tool and as I have seen with ultra running and the couple hiking, it is the mind that allows a person to finish the journey. Reading the couples journey reminded my of the many times my dad took us hiking. We could descend Mt Washington in record time without injuries. He had no problem keeping up with us kids and he taught us so much about nature and the respect of it. It is his legacy I cherish as I run the trails and experience the excitement of what might be around the next tree or over the next rock. Once us kids moved on, he stopped his adventures.....I don't remember him ever hiking again.....I really don't know why. My dad died on June 4th in his 54th year on this earth. I think it makes sense for me to climb Mt Washington on that day of my 54th year as a tribute to him and all he taught me. Perhaps his essence will meet me up there one more time. |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 