I'm stuck in a predicament. I am considering moving to a different city. One not very far away. My husband and I used to live there but in a whole other story we ended up living where we are now which is fairly close to everyone in my family. Even with the close distance the only person in my family that I see very much is my mother. Right now she lives about 25 min away. She loves my kids and she watches them quite frequently for me. She is getting into her mid 60s and I worry about her having to chase after a toddler and care for an infant (who is very rapidly turning into another toddler). My husband's whole family lives in the other city and they are always dying to see the kids. The only one who ever watched them when we lived down there before was my husband's sister, though. The whole reason we are considering this is because Chris is a surveyor. He cannot find a lot of work up here and he could make a whole lot more money. We are just scrapping by right now so a promise of more money sounds like a dream but the cost of living is also higher in that city. It seems like everyone I know down there is on meth or at least thats how it used to be when I lived there. Its bad everywhere but it seems like where we are is just a better place to raise children. I am scared that if we stay here we may go under financially and that if we move there our children will not grow up the way I want them to.


Sincerely,
J.J.


 

Sometimes I have my best thoughts at the worst moments. It frustrates me to no end. I always wonder why the human mind comes up with the strangest of topics at any particular time. I kind of have a little theory on this. My life is so busy sometimes that my mind cannot settle on all the things that come in, so kind of like your stomach, it just regurgitates these things randomly. It is so unsettling when I have an epiphany in the car on my way to work with no one to tell it to or no way to write it down or when I am lying in bed drifting to sleep and I come up with the first few lines of a poem. Should I get up to write it down? Well, probably so that I remember it in the morning. Do I? Most of the time, No. I am just too exhausted to catch these random moments of genius. Sometimes to remember them I repeat things over and over again in my head and hope that it sticks. Still it bothers me that I am letting these things slip away. What can I do? Life is life and mine is busy though I am relieved I didn't let this thought slip away.
 

Chris's and my third anniversary is coming up on the 4th. We are so broke this week that we can barely afford to do anything. Chris is still working for this tiny surveying company. It just doesn't support us enough. He missed two days of work last week because they just didn't have any work. I sent my children to their grandmother's this week (which is like an hour drive away) just so that I didn't have to pay the daycare as much this week. I just paid my rent yesterday and then we have like $40 left to live on this week. This is ridiculous. Chris hasn't applied anywhere else for a job. Of course he's got a million reasons why he hasn't. Some of them even good ones but I'm starting to get ill at him over the situation. My house has been infested by tiny black ants this week. Just another thing to add to the tension I guess. They got in my cabinets on Monday. All week long all my dry foods have been sitting in a cardboard box in the middle of the floor which, ironically is the only place they haven't figured out how to get to. Bizarre isn't it? These bad things always come in spurts. Everything just goes wrong all at once and I always wonder if its something that I'm doing.
 

drive to work.answer phones. assholes. starwatch. geez why do they deliver starwatch? make coupon books. boss. conversation. anxiety. boss leaves. more phone calls. lunch. office gossip. new insurance plan crappy. talk to boss. insurance plan not so crappy. phone call. chris. love ya. day end. drive home. cook dinner. laundry. tv. kids' baths. bed. PHEWW!! sleep!

(This idea I got from another blog on this website I read a few months ago. I don't remember who's it was now though so I can't put the name in. A good way to save time though :) )
 

I've been back at work full-time for a week now. I feel like my life has become incredibly bland now. I'm not really in the inner circle at work mostly because I'm just a quiet person and my desk is on the wrong side of the room :). I do like the money though. It's great making an extra hundred bucks a week sometimes and I also have next weekend off. The first one is like six months. We're thinking about taking the kids to the aquarium. I think I'm just expecting too much for the first week back but there's my update.
 

So the search is on. I've been wanting to go back to work full time because I believe Peighton is old enough to start daycare now. It's really hard to find somewhere that will pay enough to even make it worth the while after daycare expenses. I'm waiting on someone to leave in my office at the newspaper so that I can just come back there but there's really no telling how long that might take. Anyway, everyone wish me luck because I've sent my resume to about a dozen people now so maybe I'll find something.
 

I am so pleased with the way my life is starting to shape up. The first two years of my marriage have been rocky. We've had so much change to go through, it's really been tough sometimes. Two weeks after we got married we found out we were pregnant. Back then, we lived in North Carolina with no family around us and hardly any friends. We had just moved there and were really not happy there. So, we decided to move back to Georgia.

Neither of us had a job when we came back and we lived with Chris's grandmother in a tiny apartment. It was stressful. Me and Chris's grandmother did not get along very well. After a while we had to move out because I just couldn't live with that woman anymore. We then moved into my mom's house. We didn't really have the money for our own place or the credit. We've slowly made it up to better paying jobs and we live on our own now.

We're back around family and we've had an amazing summer. We've been invited to cook out after cook out, we've been to several birthday parties, we went to the Riverbend festival a few weeks ago. Then, just last week, my brother-in-law invited us to Six Flags for free. I'm really starting to enjoy my own little family we've created. Friday we went out for ice cream and then took the kids to the park. I just never really realized how great family could be until recently.



 

I used to be so normal and I didn't even know it. I apologize if I start to sound redundant because I think about this all the time. It's a big theme in most of my poetry. My life used to be normal and then I thought that I was so different and no body understood me. I guess I was just a little depressed as a teenager. I didn't deal with change too well then and I had to deal with a lot of it. Lately though my life takes huge swings in the opposite direction than it was going all the time. I've just learned how to roll with it. A recent example. Yesterday, I found out my sister was pregnant. That sounds not so abnormal, right? Here's the catch... My sister is 44. Oh and another thing I am 22. My mom had me when she was 41. I never dreamed that either one of my siblings would have a kid near in age to my children. I'm really quite excited. I don't know that my sister is but I'll try to encourage her because this is just the greatest thing ever. I couldn't and really still can't help but grin every time I think about it.

*** My other reactions ~ Since two women in my family have now had or will have children, over the age of 40, I think I should get my tubes tied fast! Two is my limit :)

~ My children are going to be so confused if they ever have to make a family tree in school. Since they already have 5 cousins (my nieces and nephews who seem like they should be my cousins) on my side of the family, not to mention all the half brothers and sisters and step brothers and sisters on both sides of the family. What a mess!
 

LIfe is so crazy now. Everyday I wake up now and my mind turns into a whirl wind. Thoughts spinning around and around all day long. There's so many possibilities to everything. It's just overwhelming. You'll have to excuse me but I've always been like this. A dreamer I guess. I just go out into space like this and its hard to come back. Lately its getting even harder. It's like I've checked out and I know it. I do check back in but only for a nano second then I'm off again. Geezz I know this makes since to some people and to some people I'm sounding pretty crazy right now I guess but I just thought I'd put these thoughts down before I leave for space again.
 

I'm so mad at you. Why don't you understand me all the time. After 2 years of marriage and 4 years of living with you it seems like you'd get me. Or do you and you are just so stubborn you'd rather have it your way than give anything up for me. But I look back and see that you have given things up for me. Why then, are we still having these problems? Maybe its me, although I feel like I have done just as much for you as you have for me. Why then, all this anger? Where does it come from? How can we beat it? I know that we can if we just stick it out. We're good together.