So I'm still not feeling like myself...I'm still getting tired, dizzy, weak, light headed, on and off headaches.....my body doesn't feel up to anything other than laying in bed where it's warm....yea...with that last part being said, I'm constantly cold...white as a ghost and just disgusted with my appearance...

I talked this all over with my supervisors yesterday at work and one suggested I change my shifts to smaller ones that will enable me to still work the hours they gave me but in smaller portions. I didn't mind this idea other than the fact that it was more days of work added to the schedule. I'm sure though however that this will pass and things will get back to normal soon...or at least I'm hoping they will.

My man sure ain't helping me none with his attitude lately...I feel like telling him to take his attitude and stick it up his ass. I'm in no mood for arguing or being told what I should and shouldn't be doing in any aspect of my life. I'm too tired out for his shit lately.

I'm also still waiting to hear back from my doctor with my blood results....why is it they will take blood from you in a heartbeat, then make you wait a very long time to get your results? It's like waiting for the government to issues you a check for money they owe you...if YOU owe them, they want it right away, but if THEY owe you...well fuck you'd be waiting months for it....

I think I'm gunna take up walking again once I start feeling better...they wellness center has a beautiful track to walk along..4 laps equals a mile, so yea...perhaps walking before or after work might help me out....I can't really afford to join Zumba again....the cost to go 3 times a week and the gas, well..it's not affordable anymore...I actually don't even know how I afforded to go before....when i look back and think..I guess I was lucky to join it when I did back in the spring and summer..

I had a dream last night about camping...and omg..I just can't wait for it. Just to get out of this house for a whole week with the kids, enjoying nature and sitting back relaxing with no phone, no television, no one else around that could possibly tick me off....oh I just wish it was already summer!!



 

Saturday came and gone...I ended up in a ambulance at taken to the hospital in Moncton Newbrunswick...got the hell out of there at midnight and home, back on the island at 2am...yeehawww

I went to see my OWN doctor yesterday, and guess what...I have anxiety AND low blood pressure in which if I'm even the slightest bit dehydrated...guess who's gunna faint??

So yeah me...I'm a sick bitch...yeah me....

Some days I wish I would just die and get it over with....especially with the way things have been lately....

Well without this blog dragging on and on about my so sudden change in health issue...guess I'll just finish this entry off with..

Fuck the world and all the men in it too!!
 

7hrs today down in home electronics.....enough to make a person sick.....a list was left for me, three things to do, had it all done in an hour...yay me...not...

I found **other** things to do that were not included on the list, but still...it got rather boring from time to time.

Now tomorrow I'm suppose to be working another 7hr shift on the floor, but...with extremely high hopes and a damn good set of prayers..maybe the upcoming snow storm for tomorrow will start tonight and bury me in to the point as to which i can't go anywhere...man I would loveeeeee that!!

I'd like to give my dear little feet a rest, and my knee...yea..I said my knee!!

I got a little bo bo on it yesterday at work...everyone kept asking if I was alright after the major fall, which included a 143 pound bbq not set up..in a box...lifting it with three other girls..yea, go figure, out of four of us..I'm the clutz!! It's hard to walk up stairs and today..ladders...coming down don't hurt as much but going up...the strain I felt was horrible....

And not just that either..I think I'm getting weak ankles...they tend to ache from time to time...sometimes, the pain just pisses me off severly..but I never tell anyone about it.

Guess that's all for now


 

Who laughs at someone's misfortune..or someone's bad luck? Who has the nerve to do so...especially if you always thought that what they go through on day to day bases was not funny....

I call this sort of action...cruel..mean...heartless...and unforgivable!!

Just when you think you know someone...they turn around, talk about you behind your back, mock you, just to get shits and giggles....

Well....the next time something happens to this person..I'll be the one to sit back and laugh...but not behind their back...hell no...right in front of their face, then turn around and ask them...how do you like them apples??

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So anyways....I got a drive into my work this morning and a drive home this afternoon, and tomorrow, it'll be the same thing...but hopefully thursday, my car will be working good again and maybe, just maybe, things will get better.

My house is almost fully painted...just the bathroom and kitchen left...it looks great too might I add....

I'm apply for the full time position at work this April..since I know there is a few full times up for grabs starting in the next two months.....and I've talked to my supervisor about it today, and even she said: Apply for it!!

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Tomorrow marks the half a year mark for Gordie and I being together....here's the record breaker for all of you who have known me for the past few years...six months is the longest relationship I have had since leaving sheldon 4 years ago....so yes..I'm a wee bit excited about this!!

We've had our ups, and even our downs..we've struggled to get this far...and I know there will be more ups and downs to come, but looking back six months ago...who would have known that this one is still sticking with us..who would have known that this one, would have lasted this long, and those who have placed bets on this...can call them off, cause guess what people...we've made it this far and plan on making it further!!

I've heard about the bets made....(( I give her a month..I give her three...oh her record is four ))

How about six mother fuckers??!!??

He may not be perfect, but neither am I...so to those who doubted me

GO TO HELL!!

I'm mean, yea...sure there has been days that I would have loved to have shoved a broom handle up his ass, but I'm sure he has felt the same way about me...I'm not easy to get along with...I'm NOT easy to please...but I am worth the attempt, and his attempts haven't given up on me or the kids...so there...:P



 

so..I'm in a terrible mood....really terrible...I got off work yesterday at 5pm...went to start my car..nuffin....wouldn't turn over for me and start...go figure.....tried for 10 mins in the fucking cold to start then damn thing....then..I gave up, walked over to mac donalds and called my step father for help....20 mins later he comes over, (( did I mention it was fucking COLD )), he tweaks around with the bolts that are attached to the battery, giggles the wires, tightens something up and boom...cars starts.....

We left the mall parking lot and went to the service station and put some gas line anti freeze in the tank...he mentioned some regular anti freeze, but I thought I was safe...never had any problems with it...till today......................




(( Insert horror music here ))



I didn't want to send my girls walking today to the bus stop considering it's -34C out with wind chill and believe me....if I thought last nights adventure in the cold was bad, today..it's 100X worse.

So I go out and start the car at 8am...all intentions on driving the girls to school, dropping my son off at daycare and coming home to clean and paint, etc etc...

I get to the end of my road and I happen to notice the overheating symbol in the car...the line was rising rapidly.....I made it as far as the police academy, pulled in and shut the car off.....After a few mins there...came straight home.

My anti freeze is frozen....., so my car is plugged in now, and ummm..I'm stranded at home, with even better news....the weather won't be so nice tomorrow either...guess what?? I have to go to work and ummm..I have no car...how am I gunna pull this off...

I'm extremely ticked off...

and to top it all off...one word also sums up my mood for the day......

GORDIE!!
 

So...things accumulated rather quickly inside me..the stress of many things attacked me all at once, and sure enough it happened.

Monday night I felt it coming, so I popped a pill...then tuesday, it hit me strongly..I had an anxiety attack right at work. They sent me home for the day. I took my pill as soon as I got home, and layed down all day. I was fine the next day and today...but seriously..I need to get my life straightened out, and quickly..cause I can't be dealing with too much like I have been doing. I need to weigh out the bad, eliminate the things that have been bothering me, so I can go back to being that so called strong mom that everyone thinks I am!
 

Wow..time fly's so quickly!

We've almost made the six months mark to our relationship...

It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been that hard either. I love gordie very much..and I believe him when he says he loves me. I never thought I would ever be in a relationship that would even last this long..I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and heart strong that we make it for a life time together.

There has been those trying times as to which our days seemed bleak, but there are some days where..the romance, the love, the smiles and heart warming hugs, wipes away anything bad that could have happened before.

He's still learning slowly about the kids, as I am too...

The kids and I are a handful, and I'm sure sometimes he feels the weight from us, but he's holding strong, which is more than any man I have ever been with could do or could have done.

I know I have complained some in previous blog entries, but hey..to me, my feelings are my feelings, even if they are up and and down day by day. Just want to be clear on one thing though...he's still my man, and wants to be as long as he can.

We've been talking more lately about buying a mini home this fall..I'm sure it won't be something easy to do considering the money issue, but, I'm also sure that if we both put our minds to it..it can happen. I'm just not too keen on living in town and having my kids go to a new school, so the main location to try and stay into is within the area that I live now....

It's alot to take in, but, like I said..I'm sure we are strong enough for it!


 

I don't have any reasons or excuses to justify the time.....there is no better time then now...So I told him last night, that I'm feeling hurt. That I would rather get the living shit kicked out of me and be hospitalized for months on ends, than to feel the way I do lately.

I gave my degu's away back in the first week of December....that wasn't a hard thing to do considering I didn't have the time to play with them anyways. Then....On christmas eve, I gave my nickel baby away....that was the hardest thing I had to do..I'm still feeling extremely hurt and down about it to this day...and now...(( not exactly now cause I've know this for months also but )) my cats are leaving in April/May. Gordie really dislikes cats. Their pee smells, they piss and shit all over the house, they fight constantly during the night...they wake the kids up....he says they are just useless and have no reason to be here when i don't even pay mind to them, or take the time to feed them or even change their litter.

I do feed my cats, I do change their litter..I do hold them and pet them and pay mind to them...and yes, they do piss and shit all over the house IF they get trapped by the kids in a closet or bedroom or even the basement...where else do you expect a cat to go if they can't get to a litter box?

Well anyways...I think my main problem here is the fact that it seems like....he's not happy with the animals I have, and he wants to see them gone....he got 3/6 gone already and he's working on making it 2 more, and I'm really uncomfortable with how this is playing out in our relationship. I give up so much, and what has he given up? He don't drink like he used to...when he was single, he'd get plastered any night he wanted to...and since being with me..he don't get that way ever....but that's it...that's all he changed.

He still has his precious darts....he still has his friends (( which reminds me to mention that I hate one of his friends with a passion but he'll still go there anyways and gamble while playing darts or drink a beer or two while playing darts etc etc ))

He has anything and everything he wants, and when something doesn't go his way, his attitude comes out to the point where I'll get disgusted and give the bawl bag his own way....

I never ask him for anything, accept for a ring and even that alone seems to be a big ticket item that I feel he really don't want to get me, which is fine by me...it's not that important...but still...I will say it again..I never ask for anything.

I'm hurting deep inside and I think he needs to figure out a way to stop this pain....cause I sure the hell can't stop feeling this way. I've been dreaming about breaking up with him lately too...telling him that I can't do this anymore, I can't give my whole life up and everything in it to be feeling that I've got noting in return but a man who runs my life the way HE feels it needs to be ran. I feel as if he has become controlling to the point where I'm on eggshells, and I'm pretty sure the last time i checked my life, I've never asked to feel this way.

I know I am no perfect angel....and I know I never will be...he says to me I get sooky when it comes for him to do something he wants to...that I get all pouty when he decides to do something else other than what i thought would be nice for us to do together....

Lets just put it this way.....I'm looking for perfection..and I'm never going to find it...and I think he's looking for the same thing and he'll never find it in me...so where does this leave our relationship of almost 6 months together??

RIDE THE WAVES BABY>>>IT'S ONLY GUNNA GET WORSE BEFORE IT CAN GET BETTER.....SOOOOOOOOOO SURFS UP DUDE!!!


 

I dunno...I just dunno.....I really, really, truly.....dunno!!

What once seemed so pleasing, seems so wrong. What once was understood, seems confusing.... and what once felt so good, lost it's feeling. So I dunno!


 

Yea...a snow day..no school, a shit load of businesses shut down or delayed,and my work...yup...still a go...I did go in, but I was late...an hour and fifteen minutes late. It was not all what it was suppose to be..I was in the electronics department all day..well..not the last 30 mins of my shift but...5hrs there..no experience with anything, not even the cash register, and guess what...I done well...

I'd never want to do that again for that long, but, I don't mind every now and then either....lol I kinda liked being left alone, however, the lack of things to do down there is the unpleasant part!

Anyways, we had a shitload of snow last night and early this morning..enough to make a person sick of seeing snow...I really wish summer was here already...winter has warmed out its welcoming already..and it just started!!