Okay so for the past month and some change I have been trying to get everything smoothed out with the bills since moving into the new apartment. I have called the cable company regularly to make sure that all was well and good after the transfer. I make a couple small payments when they ask me too and last time I checked I was supposed to be in the clear to just pay my regular monthly balance of 93.19, fine and good right?

Well today I call in to pay the bill and the automated message informs me that I have a bill due for 278 mother fucking dollars! Are you kidding me? Shit, fuck, shit fuck!

I take a short breather and start trying to be connected to a real person so I can resolve this fiasco. At first they're insisting that I owe a month of back billing from when I moved but something about that didn't sound right. I let them know that I paid everything up to date before I moved and even had to fork over another 48.15 in cash to the guy who was installing the cable to bring me current before he was allowed to do the transfer of service.

We continue to speak to each other but the lady is insistent that this is what I actually owe and that I somehow owe almost 3 times my normal bill because of one past due bill? Finally it clicks with me, the lady says the bill is for the first of 31st of August to September 28th... holy shit! I've been living in my new apartment since August 31st, they never did a disconnect order for my old place and are trying to bill me for it! I tell her that there's a mistake and that I had moved and wasn't going to pay for someone else to have cable for the past month because the installation guy had told me he'd put in the disconnect order. She insisted that I was supposed to call to do the DC and if I hadn't then the bill was my responsibility (not that crassly but in prettier words)

Finally I have to insist to speak with a supervisor since I'm clearly getting no where. After some bit of time on hold I am returned to the woman who had been assisting me before being placed on hold. She's figured out that yes, in fact, there had been a DC order placed on August 31st and for some reason they had billed me for the old apartment as well, which left me a balance of 158 dollars and some change... WTF better but still WTF

At this point we continue to discuss what the hell had been going on. Apparently there was a past due balance on my old account and some blah blah blah... but I tried point out that I wasn't allowed to transfer service until I had paid in full, which was why I paid the technician who installed the cable 48.15 to get me up to good. She informs me that for some reason they had applied it to the new account instead of the old one... again I'm getting a little frustrated about being told I'm wrong and liable for payment due to someones error other than my own. Might I add... I have a hard enough time owning my own shit but paying 60 extra bucks for an error I have nothing to do with is a bit hard to swallow. At this point I inform her that I'm cool with paying the 93.18 because I've been told every time I called in the last month that I had to pay X amount of money but then I was good and I wasn't interested in trying to do it again.

I was seriously considering getting rid of my service and getting Dish Network to be honest. I took a big deep breath and told her the whole situation was really leaving a bad taste in my mouth after two months of trying to assure the situation was 100% in the good. I've been with Insight for 3 years and this just seemed a series of horrible mistakes that was leading to me paying an inflated bill. At that point, when I had peacefully resigned to the fact that I would pay this bill and then talk to my roommates about whether we wanted to change service or not she told me that the very best she could do to resolve the issue was to take another 59 dollars off the account and we'd be good and next month my bill would only be 93.19. In the end today I payed 91.69 but it was a headache getting there.

But strangely the message is that freedom only came after I accepted defeat. It's so cool how you can find a metaphor in your daily living like that. Now I'm really glad I wrote this blog, because I might not have realized the lesson to be learned in this little hour long struggle for control.


 

Haha, woot, thanks for everyone who has viewed this, today this blog has hit 300 views! Keep coming back and I'll try to make it interesting for ya ;)
 

So the last couple days have been good, but have had this feeling attached to them. I'm trying not to act out on my defects of character when I am given an opportunity to see them. This has been uncomfortable, these have been my character traits and I'm not sure what to replace them with. Today has been a lot of fun; I carved pumpkins with my younger brother and his girlfriend, watched football, made pumpkin seeds and even had a surprise visit from my mom and dad. The sky was beautiful here and the weather was perfect. Yet somehow the whole day I had an underlying feeling of not being good enough, it was like something nasty was crawling just below the surface.

One of my defects of character is my need to live in turmoil... well not need... something has to be happening to keep me in conflict either internally or externally for me to feel safe because when I grew up there was very little stability and an abundance of pain. It's a sick thing, but my comfort zone is a very painful place chauck full of chaos. I don't like this and have been working on it for a couple years now, but that doesn't take away the fact that when things are peaceful I am in a state of discomfort, it's as if my spine is actually grinding itself into dust at the base where it meets my tailbone.

That stated, I had various opportunities today to feed into things that could only bring my life chaos and I made decisions that allowed me to not feed them, but in doing so I had to step away from conflict (which I normally run head first into in situations like these). My feelings have been hurt today but I was able to surrender and see things for the way they really are and be okay with the fact that my plans aren't the only plans and when they don't work out I need to let go and find acceptance rather than create turmoil in my spirit over unfulfilled desires.

So despite having a wonderful couple days I have been going to bed feeling... dirty or unclean in this place that sits really close to my heart. Well I thought the best way to get rid of this would be to work on a gratitude list. As I'm coming to a close of the list I realize that a lot of my emotions are coming from the pain of change. It was at the moment I acknowledged that I was grateful for "pain" that a smile spread across my face at the thought of being in pain. I wish I were joking but my body actually tingled with a shiver of ecstasy and I felt much better, but at the same moment my hands broke out into a full blown sweat like they've done since I was a child. At this point I realized that no matter how I've felt today my hands haven't hit their uncontrollable nervous sweating, not when I woke up, not at the meeting, not while spending time with my family carving pumpkins...

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm physically receiving pleasure from acknowledging emotional turmoil, something I've fought against all day? But at the same time some part of me knows that is so wrong, how can I only be comfortable when my body and spirit aren't in harmony? The last couple of days have been peaceful but not... exciting maybe... I don't know... peace drives me crazy, do I need the self loathing and self imposed misery?

I don't get it, but I'll simply say that trying not to act on character defects or inflict harm on others when you feel like you've been hurt is difficult. For me it is perhaps more difficult to accept that those problems don't have to drive me crazy and that life moves forward and I can move forward with it. Right now I'm still caught up in feeling better because of one simple word, "pain". I cannot give in to the temptation to inflict physical harm on myself and I cannot allow myself to continue to lash myself with the emotional whip.

Just for today, I deserve more than I'm willing to give myself. Just for today, I'm going to remember that I love myself and that no matter what I feel, it will pass if I just give it time. I may not be comfortable when at peace yet, but one day at a time I can move in that direction and as long as I don't get high today I will most certainly have a shot at tomorrow.

God thank you for everything in my life, even the shit I don't understand.
 

Damn, today has been impressively long. I got a facebook account the other day, and apparently that bitch is just like crack cocaine because I was up until 6AM posting videos and photos and stuff that really isn't that important. I fell asleep around 6:30ish and found myself waking up around 10:00 and then hitting snooze until around 10:45. Great way to start a day right?

But honestly it was a beautiful day here in the Louisville area. Perfect blue skies with a reasonable upper 60's temperature all day.

I was blessed enough to go see a friend celebrate one year clean at my home group meeting today, and then I had a great lunch with a big old group of loveable recovering addicts. I spent most of the day with my new buddy who is trying to get clean and just for today he is. Fuck yeah, my dude is working on four days now and that's awesome. The rest of the day he and I hang out, take care of a few responsibilities with him, like calling the place we work so he can see if he still has a job and mailing off the rent. He really stepped up like a trooper today and I'm just gonna keep praying he keeps coming back.

A little later we headed to another meeting which just happened to be another recovering addict celebrating their one year clean. It was an amazing day, spending time at coffee shops, running errands, seeing people I love, helping someone else learn about a new way to live, and getting to see not one but two birthdays in one day! Not much tops days like these for me anymore.

Oh and holy shit; today is a month since I broke off contact with the last girlfriend and I have not slept with (did I really just use a polite term for what I really wanted to say?) or went on a date with anyone since it happened either. This is big stuff for me because I have usually moved on two weeks or less after the relationship into someone elses pants. Just for today I'm gonna keep working on getting to know me better and I'm just gonna smile and wave but keep myself far away from getting any phone numbers for a while. The last thing I need is another crazy woman as you will understand if you read the blog post before this.

So yeah it has been a very long day and I wanted to go to bed earlier than this, but I'm not and I guess 3:00 AM is better than 6:00 AM so I can live with it. I feel blessed to have a job and that my work week starts tomorrow, it has been a very long couple of days, I honestly don't feel like I've stopped since my weekend (the 3 days I'm off a week Mon-Wed) started.

Well mad love my people, I'm gonna tell you all some stories here in a few days, nothing big, just some fun adventures I've had which all felt incredible.

Thanks peeps, peace out A-Town down!
 

So for a while I was dating this girl. Really pretty blond, 21, fun personality, great in the bedroom but as the relationship started there were problems. As it continued they only grew and we just had some irreconcilable differences. But to be honest, no one is better in bed that a crazy bitch and as shallow as it may sound good sex can make a man live with some bad situations (only for so long).

When our time finally expired she wasn't exactly thrilled about it. We kept talking for a while, and yeah doing that too ya dirty pervs ;)

Eventually that wasn't enough for her and I wanted to respect that but she started being really manipulative while trying to get me back. She'd talk shit about how she needed a real man one minute, one who could love her and wasn't a cowardly little boy afraid to give his heart (if you went through the first month we had you probably couldn't love this girl either, at least not in about six months). Then she'd talk about how all she wanted was me and how she'd take me back if I'd only ask. When I wouldn't she'd try to get me jealous of some new guy she was talking too (which didn't bother me much other than the fact I knew why she was saying it).

At some point I got fed up with the bullshit and stopped answering her phone calls. Then she really freaked out. That night she called me like 12 times and left a bunch of messages, some were nice and sweet, some were angry and hostile and then there was the eventual, "well I just wanted you to know I think I'm pregnant" message. To that I say, why the fuck do you wait until we're done and not any point we've talked the entire last week? But I flip out a bit and try to call her back and she cusses me and tells me to fuck off and she'll deal with it on her own. Again I freak but thank God for my friends who had my back through that shit and kept me sane that night.

The next day we talk and she's taken "two tests" and one was positive and one was negative. I tell her to go to the clinic and get a real test done and offer to go with her, almost insisting because I'm not sure I'm buying her story. She insists I can't go but the next day calls to let me know that she isn't pregnant and I dance for joy. That night I hang out with a girl (not a fucking date, but girls don't get that) from work to listen to a local musician. This girl (my ex) calls me at 4AM bitching about why I didn't return her calls and I tell her the truth and boy she freaked out. Hung up on me (which is my biggest pet peeve) and I called her back and she said she'd file a police report on me if I ever called her back.

At this point church I decided that God is good and so is my freedom and since this bitch is threatening that I am 100% done. After a few days of ignoring phone calls and texts she drops the more than fucking crazy bomb on me.

The text went something like this.

"I hope you don't get mad, but I never went to the doctor. I just don't want you to be in mine or the babies life. Since you aren't calling me back we're on the same page that we don't want to talk to each other so let's keep it that way."

WTF...WTF...WTF... bitch have you lost your got'damn mind?

I surrender to deep prayer and settle on calling her mother as the best option. Her mom loves me and knows her daughter has some... "issues". We talk and she says she'll try to get to the bottom of it for me.

Well no word from her or her mom for almost a week but both the mom and I feel like she's not pregnant. Roughly 5AM Sunday September 27th morning she sends a text informing me that she "finally really went to the doctor a few days ago and that she miscarried at 7 weeks and she was sorry."

Okay church that means that she found out she miscarried somewhere between the 23rd - 26th right?

Funny as it may seem I'm pretty sure she was high when she sent that message because a few days later she had apparently forgotten and tried to tell me she had just the miscarriage and found out at the E.R. late the night of the 29th... excuse me bitch you can't miscarry the same baby twice. My mom had three and at 7 weeks they'd have taken it out when she went to the doctor some time between the 23rd and 26th. At this point I was pissed because she had fucked with my emotions way too much and I was exhausted (not to mention I cried for the baby I never knew).

I have remained silent with her since she threatened to call the cops, but when she had the nerve to keep running with the second miscarriage all I wanted to do was forward her the copy of her message from Sunday and tell her to shut the fuck up. But just for today I'm not gonna let myself be petty like that.

And to top it all off, today she sends me a long myspace message letting me know she told her mother she miscarried (only because her mom told her we had talked) and that she was so sorry about the baby and that since we split up she was back to drinking and maybe drugging (I am clean and have been for over 2 years and I was a support for her) but was getting off them again. She said not to feel responsible for it but to that I say, "fuck you, and keep your business to yourself after all the bullshit you've pulled." I want to meet her mom for lunch and show her the text about the miscarriage to break apart her little fucking "pity me" party she's trying to throw. Fuck that as a matter, if she ever was pregnant I want to punch her in the fucking face for using dope and drinking when she thought she was (but at the same time I have to thank her, because raising a child with her would be bad for the baby and I, which you better believe I would eventually have gotten custody of.)

She was the catalyst for my emotional downward spiral tonight. I have had too much shit on my place and I'm stuck trying to deal with my defects of character, of which chasing pussy or getting into reckless relationships (I'm co-dependent, which is a defect which stems from my disease of obsession and compulsion) is at the top of that list. I love cuddling, kissing, making love, making make believe love as the case usually is and to be honest since that girl I've decided I should be done for a while, but it doesn't make it an easy decision.

So after going a little catatonic, using prayer and the fetal position as a release and getting myself back in order I made a fun decision. I shaved my head... well I started to and then my buddy suggested I keep the mohawk for a few days before getting rid of it all. Now I know winter is the wrong time to do it, but who gives a shit and I love toboggans anyway.

For now I'm gonna try not to date, fuck, or get intimate with any females, but if I fail in that endeavor you better believe I'll be venting it here in this blog. To be honest I haven't had sex in 3 weeks or so and that is the longest I've gone in the last almost 3 years. These sabbaticals are bullshit but I have felt for the last six months that if I really dig in here, feel my feelings and deal with some of these issues my growth is gonna be unparalleled.

I'll post the pictures of before and after hair cuts really soon and update them here haha. Enjoy and don't judge me too harshly, ya feel me?

Well I'm going to make this quick so i can go to bed but I do want to let everyone know that I've had a really great week so far.

Let me start with this, Saturday night... well Sundday morning at 5AM my crazy ex finally insists through a text message that she has miscarried our child (which I at that point am not sure she ever carried). I was a little hurt but refused to play into her game and let it be without saying a word to her.

Sunday turned out to be great. Several awesome things happened. I saw my family for our usually monthly birthday celebrations (which included my mothers). I played with the cousins, ate a good meal, hugged everybody, saw my younger brother and had a generally great time. I also had the pleasure of watching the final quarter of the Bengals game on a 65 inch HD tv. Needless to say (snicker snicker) it was awesome and I can't believe the Bengals were able to pull of that kind of a 4th quarter drive.

Monday was also excellent because despite confusion with the ex, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I woke up and had breakfast, hit a nice bit of step work while I was doing it to. From there I went to the tanning bed and made my way to my home group meeting early. I also had the pleasure of chairing the meeting, which is always a nice surprise.

Later that day I spent time with my younger brother and his girl friend by happenstance. I missed my workout but enjoyed a great evening with my younger brother at the pool hall / local open mic night where I met some great people and did my first poetry reading ever! I was nervous and excited but had a smashing good time.

Tuesday I slept a lot based on the principle it was the 8 year anniversary since the coffee shop (Pythias) burned down and Tom passed away in that fateful fire. I didn't do most of what I set out to do but I did have dinner with my mother and her side of the family, which is always a lovely experience. We had a blast and then my brother, his girlfriend and I spent the next few hours together. We actually just sat in a car and had the most wonderful 3 hour late night chat you could imagine. I'm so proud of the man he's grown up to be.

On a side note, if you're ever in Louisville KY this season, try to find Highland Coffee and get a warm cup of their Chai Cider (so amazing it gives me goosebumps).

On a second side note Tuesday my crazy ex sent me another text insisting that she just miscarried the baby in the ER the night before and tried everything in her power to get me to talk to her again. I'm sorry but you can't miscarry the same baby on two different occasions (the original text received Sunday morning had said she'd gone to the doctor 'several days before' and found out she'd miscarried, so we're talking about two miscarriages in one week, that's a lot of dead baby (this is only funny because she really tried to act like she had miscarried and basically what she did was divulge that she was never pregnant at all, which my friends suspected all along))

Today was yet another wonderful although less productive day. I went and saw my father and his girlfriend to celebrate her birthday (my life has been full of celebrations hasn't it). From there I spent some time with a writer friend of mine that I haven't seen in too long and ended up going to the Comedy Caravan to watch one amazing comedian and one relatively okay comedian do some very funny and enlightening standup.

And tomorrow should bode well. I'm doing another poetry reading and hopefully hitting on a cute keyboardest/singer who runs the open mic I'll be reading at. So wish me luck and sweet dreams cause I'll take as much of both as I can get.