Howdy y'all! Who missed me? Yeah yeah yeah I know, out of sight out of mind right??? well no, not really. This site was always on my mind, somewhere not always right at the front I have to be honest right? but anyway... I've been busy, bored and sad to say, not writing but hopefully that will change. I have a few new things going on in my life that just might get the old inspiration swirling again. What are they? Wouldn't you like to know.. haha
Okay, fine you twisted my arm. Happy now? Of course not. lol Well I have been dating my man for almost a year now (Jan 12th will be our anniversary) and, and, and get this... the end of Jan, we will be bringing into the world our little boy, Chance Aiden-Riley Spence Yes that's right peps, I'm havin yet another little boy. 5 in all now! ugh
My other kids are doing great. they are getting too old too fast and too smart for their (or rather my) own good. But I love them with all my heart and as long as they know that I'm happy. I'm so proud of all of them for everything they do and with all the drama that goes on in our lives they dont let it get to them and it helps more than you could ever know! But anyway
I'm still working at the nursing home although that will change after Chance is born. I plan to persue another job elsewhere. My hours are constantly fucked with at this job and the pay is rediculous to say the least. Plus, well you know there's always dramam everywhere you work but when even I can't deal with it, then it's just too much.
Well that's pretty much about all for now. I know it wasn't much of an update but at least I did. I have to say a big thank you to
gab for the upgraded membership that allowed me back. I do have to admit I missed being able to veiw my own work as well as others. cross your fingers for me that I will be back to sharing some of my depressing, sad, works of art soon!!! lol just kidding, well probably not but I hope to add a little sunshine to my port too.
missed you all and can't wait to meet some new people! Write on!
 

Yeah I guess I should but its hard to talk about so I'm not gonna delve into it a whole lot. Just know I am still alive and my health is ok and things are going to get better because i refuse to let it all end now.
I filed for divorce today, well i put in for help to get a divorce. I'll know in about 2 weeks if they will take my case. It got aweful, my ex as i have always called him, ended up physically abusing me, I called the cops on him but they didn't take him to jail, they told me to leave. So i did. I lived in my car for about a week and then a lady took me in. She heard about the abuse and she went through it with 3 marriages and was willing to step in and help when no one else could or would. She is a member of this site now where she is writing a book about the hell she went through in her life and how shes changing it and wants to help others who have been there. She's a wonderful woman with a heart of gold! Check out her prologue (which yes needs a lot of work) Elizabeth or at least drop her a line and tell her how amazing she is!
Anyway, I am using her PC to get on so I can't get on as often as I'd like but at least it's better than before. I'll be around more now just know that. I'm writing all the time or reading. The library is a wonderful place isn't it?! Ok so thats just the jist of it all, but I really don't want to fill my blog with pity party writing right now so just know I plan to make everything right in my life and my kids and it will all work out in the end. i just hope its sooner rather than later!
I'm off till next time! Miss all my loyal friends and love y'all to pieces!
Tanya
 

Okay so... pardon me through all my tears but I just need to vent and cry and get my anger under control. It's been a year since I left my ex and GOd Dammit if he still doesn't make me so angry. My heart is racing like never before, I'm filled with such rage right now I can't be around any one. I wish I lived in the country so I could step out my back door and scream and cry and hollar and shoot something! I need to get away, I have to, it's the only way I will ever survive. Sadly I have no where to go. I wish I could just pack my kids up and go, head somewhere anywhere but where I am now. Is it running?! It probably is but running is a hell of a lot better than having to be constantly groped and scared that he's going to keep taking from me what I refuse to give him. His apologies mean nothing to me, NOTHING! I made a promise to him I wouldn't take his kids away from him, he's been a better dad since the split. He's been the type of dad I wished he would have been to our kids when we were together, but should I have to take the constant abuse- sexual, emotional, mental that he over and over delves out to me, just because I promised not to take his kids far from him???!?!!!
God dammit I hate myself and I hate him even more. I was doing so good. I've been mostly happy for a long while and just one confrontation with him can blow it to Hell..... I wanna just get the hell out of here!!! But again I have no where to go..... I really don't feel any better now that I've vented and cried. I need to scream. Not sure how much that would help. I'd like to beat something up, I'd like it to be my ex but I'm a better person than that. Aren't I? So why do I think I would feel so much better if I did?!
 

Well I stayed away all day yesterday, started off as not my fault. My oldest ripped the power supply cord on my laptop and killed the battery so I had no way of getting on. Well I knew someone who likes to fiddle with electronics figured hell he couldn't screw up the wire any more than it already was, right? Well he got it fixed and I hung out at his place with friends for a bit then came home and slept. Went and got my kids and as I came home the phone rang. I got invited out with the guys to drink and listen to some local bands perform, so since I rarely get out of the house I went. Truth be told it was the last guy I dated who invited me out, but believe me I was done with him in that manner. We are friends though because he can be a good person and someone cool to hang out with, so I went.
I got fuckin DRUNK and I don't mean tipsy drunk I mean vomiting drunk. We drank Whiskey and coke then played quarters with whiskey shots. I felt pretty good after 3 shots, not crazy drunk but tipsy and in a great mood. Then I had 2 more shots and that killed it for me. I regret getting that drunk a little. I missed the last band performance. I was out cold, head on the table. Hahaha but I really did have fun! I haven't been drunk since I was 15! 18 years ago ughh ok now I feel old lol. But any who I am not suffering today from a hang over which is excellent since its the weekend and I have kids to take care of. But I did learn my lesson and know now how many shots of Whiskey will be my limit!
Anyway just figured I'd let everyone know why I wasn't on at all yesterday and to let you know I really for once had a good time out. It won't become a habit but I do hope to get out more often now. I need it sometimes being a single mom and being stuck at home all the time. So anyway that be about it for now! Till next time... cheers! haha

p.s. I had my pic taken and OMG I am smiling! I don't mean a small smile either, I mean teethy smile and I think its a good pic. Once I get a copy of it I think I'll post it
 

So... 2 weeks ago I had this pretty bad pain in my chest. Ever have a leg or foot cramp? Imagine that happening around the heart area. Well I didn't have anything but pain so I didn't go to the ER. Got bitched at today for it. She checked my pulse after I told her about this episode and it was 120 beats per minute so she decided to run some tests while I was there....Seems... I had another mild heart attack. Shrugs like I told them, they would have only sent me back home again. She admitted to it too. Damned ER doctors are getting lazy. Well actually I can't say lazy. I mean if I paid out the ass to go to some fancy college to learn about becoming a well paid doctor then I guess I'd want to be paid for doing my job, as we all would right? So yeah I can't pay them so I get the minimul treatment. I guess I really can understand that. But anyway seems they still don't know what is wrong with me. Nothing is showing up in blood work too out of ordinary so they are throwing me into every friggen field of medicine. Next I see a hemotologist and a rhumotologist. They now want to rule out Lupus (which can be genetic annd which my mother was diagnosed with a few years back. last I heard they weren't sure though, she had some syptoms but not all of them. Haven't talked to her in almost 4 yrs now so I don't know what to tell the docs) and a few other things. Maybe they can find something no one has been able to as of yet. All they pretty much can tell me is I have something that keeps causing me to have inflamatory problems besides the fact that I have a bad heart.
Ughh like I really love hearing all this crap from doctors who are supposed to be working for one of the top 50 cardiac hospitals in the world. I feel like a guinea pig. Oh well i have time on my hands, no money is coming out of my pocket except for the medications they are constantly upping on me. I'm a friggen zombie anymore. So why not? One of these days someone is going to find something. RIGHT????
Ok so there's the scoop. i'm in EXCELLENT health that'll be the day.
 

and I hate being mad at people but God Damnit! For once I wanted to do something right...
I know I am liked by people here but honestly, if i disappeared to tomorrow how long before my memory fades anyway? Don't lie, if you're going to lie to me then dont fuckin bother leaving a comment!
I kept my membership info quiet because I wasn't planning on keeping my upgrade. I wanted to go to free account... y doesn't really matter now... I realize I'm no one here. I'm a member of big groups but I dont participate any more. Y? again doesn't matter any more.... I wanted to make a point, but since I'm a no body on this site it would have went unnoticed anyway. Hurts but hell the truth usually does 9 times out of 10. But at least I could have been proud of myself, no matter what anyone else noticed. Fuck it.. blah whatever
 

So it's now Febuary... blah January shot right by with little hope for a better year....
I know I said before I'm not so negative anymore, well once again life has bitch slapped me back to where I was. I lost my job at the hospital, cut-backs so I had to take a job at another hospital working for the same company but way different job. i am now a patient transporter. i know I know at least it's a job, so many don't have one right now. Well truth be told, I started Jan 2 and I've actually only worked maybe 2 weeks of that time. My health is fuckin up again and I seem to think its because my body can't handle having to lift 300lb patients and push them around on heavy beds or in wheel chairs, but my doctor seems to think I'm just suffering constant anxiety attacks. question, since when does anxiety attacks cause chest pain on the side of the heart, numbness in fingers and legs? I donno but I've been back and forth to the doctor about 6 times since Jan, not good. They never determined what caused my heart attack in 2006 so they have no clue why I'm having issues now. Well I mean I can understand they don't have the answers for everything but damned in 2 years you think they would know something, ANYTHING, but sadly no. So now they want me to see a cholesterol specialist, even though I don't have high cholesterol, weird yeah, but whatever. I go see her the 17th. Then I get a paper in the mail today and this is my reason for the rant... i have an appointment on the 24th with CIMR. Had no damned clue what CIMR stood for so I called to ask..... Stupid me... shoulda just went to the appointent and found out then cuz now i'm pissed. It stands for Community Internal Medicine R something, which means I am supposed to see a doctor in training. WTF? WHY? God, my doctors are ones that have been to school years ago and they can't figure out what is wrong with me so they are going to send me to some young snot who is still learning?! Now how the Hell am I supposed to respond to this!? Well I sure as hell ain't happy! So anyway, I am on a 30 sday leave of absense from work, w/o pay, and my job doesn't want me back till I get a second or third or fourth opinion. Why won't they just fire me? well duh they don't wanna have to pay unemployment... so I'm just stuck at home, no income, having to move this month, no place to move to, no money to move with, and the possibility that when I go back in 30 days, I might not have a job, because they aren't holding my possition. Sound like 2009 is my year? Yeah so far it sux shit! I do have other good news and will add it later. Right now i need to chill out.
ok back for more. Still not time for the good news as i still have a bit of ranting to do and this time it deals with this site, well a certain member on this site who has sorely pissed me right off. I figured I'd give it a few days to blow over but apparantly she hasn't come to her senses so.... instead of typing it all out I'm just going to copy and paste the email i recieved that has me so very upset.... here goes, I'll explain once I've pasted....

Hello Tanya,

I see that you are going off of my group idea and starting your own group. I am deleting you from Windows To Our Soul for being secretive, changing your name, and being an inactive member. I am also blocking you from seeing anything in my port as obviously you are only here to take ideas from me, and prosper upon them. I do not like shhhhh....or secrets. So See ya Captain Taya.

Best of luck with your group.
Violet


Ok so first off if she would have paid attention to the date I created my group Seekers Of The Unknown, she would have noticed I started it a year ago this month, while her group was a different name and she recently changed it to the above name. So thief I am NOT! Could I not turn around and accuse her of such? I sure could but I wouldn't. when I started my group I searched first to see if there was any type of group like it on this site, i was shocked to find there were none, therefor I started mine. As well she blocked me from her port, too bad because I enjoyed reading her work, but oh well there's thousands of others here. But I can not set her straight either. I've been told by those who know me and know I would never do such a thing as steal ideas, to block her in return, well I didn't. I'm not that pety plus I'm hoping she will eventually wander into my port and realize the stupid mistake she has made. if not, oh well. But I am no thief and I'm livid for being accused of such!!!! As for Captain Taya she is still around and guess what... she still goes by her name :O its gone!!
                                                                                                   Obviously if she had changed her name it wouldn't be ^ there.
So least to say, after being on this site over a year now I am utterly shocked that something like this has happened to me. I bother noone, have made no enemies, (till now) and I have NEVER stolen ideas! I hope this whole mess will be sorted out and if not, that she presses the matter no further than blocking me because I swear if anything else occurs I will for the first time ever blow up at someone here. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for

Ok done there.... good news! My oldest son Zach was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society just last night. He was in 7th grade last year and took algebra a high school course, and passed with an A! awesome isn't it!? I'm so damned proud of him and his achievements! As well i got a progress report from his school yesterday for the grades on his TAKS test scores since 5th grade. here they are:
5th grade math: 97
6th grade math: 97
7th grade math: 93

5th grade reading: 92
6th grade reading: 85
7th grade reading: 91

5th grade science: 95

benchmarks for 8th grade:
Math: 94
Reading: 92
Science: 90
Social studies: 71 but this one was given before half the things were taught he actually has a 91 average in this class right now.

As well he has recieved his papers to sign up for high school courses for next year and he plans on taking AP classes in every subject! that's my boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My other 3 kids are following in his footsteps and I swear I couldn't be a more proud mom!!!!!! I love my kids and everything they have ever done has made me proud! even when one was suspended from school for a few days, hell a girl threatened to kick him in his privates and so he protected himself. Granted he shouldn't have beat her up but.... it was him or her and frankly I want grandkids when i get older..... much much older lol!
Ok i'm done for the day. not feeling too much better as of yet but I'm sure I will soon enough! Love and hugs to all my dear friends!

Tanya/mmbabyfac/midnitewhisper

ps yeah I changed my name.... SURPRISE!!!!!! lol


 

Yup I'm back. Happy New Year everyone! at least i'm hoping it will be. this has been one hell of a year and for the most part... I woudn't say I have regrets. Not many anyway. I won't go into a list of regrets because with it being almost a new year I want to do what the quote says "Out with the old.. in with the new" a fresh start. I know the beginning is going to bring some hurdles (ex has already warned me there) but I plan to focus on goals I am setting for my future. lately i've been living just one day at a time, but I need to buckle down and focus but i'm not regreting living one day at a time, its made me a happier, healthier person. I keep stress to a minimum and have rid myself of those who cause more stress for me so for the last 2 months my heart is in better shape than ever! I'm not such a negative person anymore and anxiety? what anxiety? i worry less about everything! so what i say mostly. it's healthy in some cases. I do admit I have changed. I'm not the quiet shy person i used to be. i could care less what people think of me and even more I don't care if i hurt someones feelings because if they say something wrong to me or someone i care about.. then they deserve to know what i have to say. there are changes i don't like and i'm working on that, but for the most part... i like me. as for writing.. sadly i haven't in a very long time, nor have i had time to read. it's sad to say but with writing i think i was able to because i had so much drama going on, it gave me something to write about. now that i am ridding drama as much as i can and not worring so much, i feel i've lost the want or need to write. i hope that changes because i love writing, but... i won't go back to depression just to be able to write. i basically don't have time to sit and think anymore. so it would be hard for me to write anything longer than a short short poem and short poems are so not me lol.
i am hoping with the new year i will be moving to a better home. so don't expect me around a lot but i do hope to get on more often now. i just felt i needed a break. to step away for a bit, and i have missed all my friends here and am sorry i've lost touch with a lot of you, i hope to fix that.
so this is just a brief update and my way to say Happy New Year everyone! may the new year bring you all much happiness, joy and success in all you do!
 

I know been awhile
So update?
Okay good news as well as bad. But hell wouldn't be me if there wasn't right? lol
Which one first? Bad yeah it's a bit shorter.
ok went back to work after having 3 days off and damned if i wasn't there an hour and I ended up leaving in an ambulance. ughhhh
I wasn't feeling good as it was when i went to work but I couldn't miss anymore days, got final warning already so i went. I was shivering yet sweating but that wasn't anything new, been doing that since my last visit to er. Well I couldn't walk a straight line either, my legs kept giving out on me everytime i stood still and i just felt aweful. Well I really tried to work I did my things in order as i was supposed to but I felt myself getting worse. Stupid me i pushed myself. So... I get in the elevator and damned if when I went to get off I couldn't move. I called my kitchen and told them i was in elevator not good. By then my breathing had drastically worsened. Luckyly there was a lady there and well she noticed I wasn't good. She tried to grab me before I hit the floor, didn't work as the elevator was full because I had gotten the big retherm carts to take back down to kitchen. I was shakking so bad, I remember curling up into a ball and just crying my eyes out. i hit my head a few times shaking so much. I was so week i couldn't stand still hours later when the doc sent me home saying "you're dehyrated" funny thing is, they took ekg, x-rays of my chest but none of my head and the blood work the ambulance attendants took was still on the counter when I left. So was I actually dehydrated or did I get stuck with yet another lazy doctor? ok well guess this bad news was longer than i expected lol.
So now good news?!
I'm dating a wonderful guy!!!!!!!!! he's amazingly nice and conciderate and wow I just don't know what all to say about how good he is for me right now. Granted we don't talk as often as I would like, but he has an even better excuse than most guys would. He just moved to the area with his family which he hasn't been around in 20 years. So he spends a lot of time with them. Family oriented guys are hard to come by don't you think?
I'm 13 days older than him and he's about 2 inches taller than me and oooooooo so muscular mmmmm. Gona get a pic of me and him together real soon and post it. Now friends plz know I'm so not rushing into things with him, but I really really am interested in where we could lead to. he has a daughter 8 and well you all know I have 4 boys. Not too many guys are willing to step into a relationship with that many kids and well... he is.
I really don't know how to tell you all how great he is. Just want you all to know although my health is shitty, I am in an amazing place right now, I'm happy, I'm wanted, and needed. who doesn't want all these things?!
okay till later! loves and so much hugs to all of you who have been supportive and encouraging for me!!!!!!
 

ok can you tell I'm in a not so good mood? WHY? Because doctors and hospitals suck ass! I just got out of the hospital a little over 2 weeks ago because of my heart again. Well they set me up with an appointment for what was to be today, so... they only gave me enought meds until yesterday. I've been off my anxiety meds because I had plenty of those to last me, so I thought. I'd been doing ok without them, until last night. The worry of what the docs might have found and or what they still haven't found had me anxious as hell. I only got 3 hrs sleep last night and had to be up at 4:30 this morning. Well I made it through the night. Got up this morning, doing somewhat ok, I haven't been ok since my visit to hospital by the way which is why i was so anxious today. Well anyway I went to go to my car and got dizzy spells and almost fell off my steps. i figured ok I can handle this, I NEED to go to work. I already missed too many days I got a write up about it. So I get in my car and.... the fucker wouldn't start! Wouldn't turn over or anything! The problem? Dead battery. I have no neighbors so a jump was out of the question. I could have walked to work but... well being dizzy already and it being 5:30 am it was dark out. So I HAD to take the day off. Ok I called no worries they had me covered right? Yeah stupid fucker at work decides to not tell my boss I called in. My boss' home phone, which was only number I had, didn't work.
So... can you see how shitty my day was up to this point? Least to say I just went to my work and was surprised by my final warning. If I miss anymore days of work, I get the boot. GREAT! single mom back to no income, just what I fuckin need!
Well hold your britches it ain't over yet.
So anyway... i was SUPPOSSED to have an appointment with a new doctor today about my heart. Last week i had a stres test done and wore a heart monitor which i had to push several times. I was supposed to find out the results of these 2 today. Notice the word suppossed to keeps popping up? Why is it when you need to cancel an appointment you have to give 24 hrs notice or your fined but when they need to reschedule yours, they don't even feel like they should call? yeah i get up to the desk and she says umm your appointment was rescheduled on the 22nd. It is now on Nov. 4th. WTF? okay lady I'm out of meds what do I do now? Well you could talk to a nurse but they can't do anything about it. Well what would be the point then? Umm I donno. Ok fuck you!
Well see my doctor was never doing anything for me which is why I was going to see this new doc today right? Wrong, guess who my appointment on Nov 4th is with? Yup my old doctor. Time? Hell if I know i was so damned pissed off at these people I walked out of there. oh yeah and supposedly they called me last night and left a message on my machine about the reschedule. i think NOT! I was home all God damned night! plus i check my phone all the time to see if there is any missed calls. Guess what? NONE!
So... anyway I'm feeling pissed, anxious, irritated and on top of that, like I said my heart hasn't been the same in over 2 weeks. Am I gonna end up back in the hospital? You bet your bottom dollar and guess what then? I loose my fuckin job! Great huh?
So.. how has ya'lls days been? i know I need to relax and not stress myself. Come on wouldn't you do the same?!