I really didn’t want to go to Vegas after the issues you may have read in my last blog. But I went.

We got to Vegas about 5 am on Wednesday. We woke up when my dad and Kirsten came in the living room about 9 am. (We were sleeping on the couch, and apparently my dad had let Kasey out of her crate and put her in the backyard.) The introductions were made and we all enjoyed the morning, just talking, catching up. My dad had a radiation appointment to go to and Kirsten went with him. Quay and I had to go to UNLV to buy my school books. (The didn’t cost as much as I thought they would, but they sure did empty my wallet pretty damn fast.)

We all got back, and we waited on my brother to get there, showing up in a leather jacket with the foulest attitude ever. Like we were interrupting him. We all took some family pictures. I will have to scan it in later. I’ll post it tomorrow.

As soon as that was done, my brother raved about how awesome Christmas was turning out to be at his friends house and was off again. Kirsten had a flight to catch, so we took her to the airport and dropped her off.

I took Allie to work, since she had to be there at 1 pm. My mom got home a little later and made meatloaf for dinner. We had brought the Wii with us, so I set up Guitar Hero and that was pretty cool. Everyone wanted to play. I also got my mom to play tennis and bowling, which was pretty cool. She was complaining about her shoulder hurting later though so I felt a little bad.

We spent most of Christmas Eve doing our laundry that we brought up. I don’t think I’ve had this many clean baskets of clothes since we moved in here. (I guess that’s the downside of it costing $1 to wash and $1 to dry here.)

The next morning we slept in. My brother let Quay and I use his room so we didn’t have to sleep on the couch. (Two people on a somewhat small sofa? Didn’t work very well.)

We played some more video games, and then my brother wanted me to take him to GameStop so he could get something for his PSP and then get something for Quay for Christmas. He got a zombie game for the Wii, which is cool, even though he hasn’t played it yet.

My mom got home from work early and we all sat around the tree handing out presents. I felt bad that I didn’t have anything to pass out, but it was cool. My parents got Quay and I a $25 gift card to Olive Garden, and a $25 gift card to Barnes & Noble’s. My sister got me a new wallet that has Red Sox all over it and that was cool! (Especially because I was with her when she bought it and I totally forgot about it so I really was surprised!)

We all packed up and headed to my aunt’s house (Gramma’s house) and sat around, once again, waiting for my brother. He wanted to know EXACTLY what time to be there so he didn’t miss anything, so he could spend as much time at his friend’s house as he could without missing anything there either. Whatever.

So we passed around presents again. Quay and I got a $20 gift card to Wal-Mart and a new set of pans, which is awesome, because I hate the crappy pans that we have now.

Dinner was really good. We had ham, mashed potatoes, corn, peas, olives, dinner rolls... You know, all the basics. The way it worked out where everyone sat was kinda funny though. It was like there was a kiddie table all over again.

But let me tell you about my brother. My brother pretty much raved on about everything he’d gotten from the other house for Christmas, which was way more than our parents would’ve ever been able to afford. Ever. He brought some European chocolates with him that he’d gotten for Christmas, and wanted to let everyone know that he was sharing HIS Christmas present. (No one touched the damn chocolate.) He left with a wave, saying he was in a hurry and didn’t give a hug or a thank you to anyone he’d gotten a gift from, let alone a Merry Christmas or a ‘bye’ to anyone he hadn’t. He just left. And this on top of saying right out loud during dinner that this was the best Christmas he’d ever had because of all the stuff he was getting at his friend’s house.

I really did want to just beat his right then and there, but then I would’ve ruined the holiday for everyone else, too. My dad was already upset that my brother was being that way; I didn’t need to make it worse.

So we got back home after dinner. We played some more Wii, and then Mom had to get to bed since she had to work the next day. Rachel (my sister’s friend who’s also living in my old bedroom with her baby) didn’t have the baby with her and wanted some booze, so we went to 7-11 and got some. We all sat in my brother’s room and drank, laughing about stuff, talking, complaining. I felt bad for Quay though, since he was the only guy in the room.

The baby was dropped off by his dad, and we all played with the baby for a bit. He’s walking now, and so happy all the time. Quite a far cry from the last time I saw him.

I did notice that while playing with the baby though, my dad, and Kirsten, and especially my mom all sent ‘knowing glances’ to each other. I mean, come on. Quay and I were just eating this baby up and we’d barely set him down for two seconds. I kinda knew that was coming. Felt good though.

We slept in the next day, and packed up the car. I knew the traffic was going to be bad so we wanted to get out on the road. My dad was at radiation again so I couldn’t say goodbye, but we’ll be up there again soon.

We stopped in Boulder City, and headed to the Veteran’s Memorial Cemetery. Yes, I visited Gramma. It took forever to find the little computer thing that told us where she was, and then we walked to her. (Quay left for Vegas without a jacket so by this time he was freezing.) I stood there for a little bit, just touching the marble. She faces the morning sun, and she’s at the edge of the place so she gets to look out at the mountains. It really is pretty. I asked Quay for a few minutes and he went over to a bench. It was nice to talk to Gramma. I know I always talk to her anyway, but this was more like actually talking to her instead of to air, hoping she’s there. Quay came back over and we said our goodbyes. I said I’d visit again soon.

And then... I was right about the traffic. It took us over two hours to get the 6 miles over the Hoover Dam. I’ll be so happy when they finally finish that bridge that bypasses the damn so it doesn’t take so long. We left Vegas at noon, and didn’t get to Phoenix until after 8. That sucked. We saw some snow in Kingman though, and a lot of messed up and broken kighway signs. Apparently, that storm we barely missed on our way up to Vegas was pretty bad. So glad I didn't run into that.

When we got home we made the bed, straightened up a little, made some dinner. We checked the mail, and took Kasey for a walk. She seemed happy to be home. Then we went to bed.

He had to work today so I’m just getting caught up on some e-mail and things while Kasey is still sleeping in her crate. She’s really adjusted to the crate thing, and it’s awesome. I think I’m going to put all of our stuff away, maybe make some cookies, and work on my brother’s afghan today.

I hope everyone had a really awesome Christmas!!!

 

Okay, so no, Santa didn't crash... But I knew something else would happen. I really did.

My mom called me. The entire undertone of the conversation was one of not really caring, and yet she made a comment a few times that makes me think that she really doesn't want me coming up there. "Well, with the weather and your finances and all that, not to mention your car, I just don't want to see you guys hurting you know? So if you guys can't come up, I'm sure everything will be fine. You can just call dad."

Riiiiiight... So much different than a few days ago when it was "Is there anyway you two can come up for the holiday, possibly while your sister is here? Your Dad would really like that."

Then I talked to my brother. Everything in his tone just got to me. "I thought you weren't coming out until Friday, why are you coming out now? You know you're sleeping on the floor, right?"

Uhm... You already knew I was coming out tonight because you ASKED me if I could be there while Kirsten was there. And no one fucking asked you to accomodate me or Quay while we were there, and yes you already told us we'd be sleeping on the floor. So what the fuck is with the fucking attitude here? Are you getting a 'my daddy' complex again? Or are you taking it upon yourself to become the asshole head of the god damned house since Dad isn't feeling up to the job lately?

Quay has the next three days off. I have a week and a half. And right now I just want to lock myself in the house with the one person that really cares about me, and I really care about - to spend the holidays broke, but happy.

Because when it comes down to it, I will only ever be the one child left out of everything in that family. I'm not the only boy, and I'm not the baby... I've only ever been treated like an outsider, and that's all I'll ever be. No matter how much I wish to see my dad in a different light, or wish things were different - when it comes down to it, I'm nothing.

Maybe I should bring to someone's attention that I've been running away from this family since I was 15. And I've even tried ever direction. It finally seems like South was where I needed to go. Maybe just forgetting about California, Maryland, Vegas... Hell, even the whole of fucking Nevada.... Maybe that's what I need to do so I can really be happy.

Fuck this family. I don't fucking need it.
 

Yup, two blogs in one day...

But I have to ask why?

Yes, everyone has been telling me to be thankful I have a job now, and that at least I had the $200.

But does anyone have an inkling as to why I just can't flippin' win at this game? Come on, one thing after another here...

And now I have to sacrifice my own happiness, my own comfort, my own security - just to put a roof over my head, and keep it there.

Yeah... Life is good. Life is grand. Life can kiss my ass.
 

Okay, I think I’m calm enough now where I can post a blog and not have it just be a total bitch-fest.

I reached my wits end this morning. At THREE this morning to be exact. He was making a racket in the kitchen for about 20 minutes but I was ignoring it. Then the TV blasted before going silent. That was it. I got up. I was tired of being woken up at 3am just about every single fucking morning and not being able to go back to sleep.

So I got up. He was complaining that Kasey was bothering him. I asked him if he took her out like I asked. Of course, the answer was no.

But it’s just bull shit that he doesn’t go to bed until 3 am, then sleeps all god damned day, and when he’s not sleeping or working, he’s playing video games.

I admit, he’s been doing a bit better with helping me with dishes. So that’s awesome. But I’m really fucking tired of looking at the cluttered filth that is our house.

I work 9 hours a day, five days a week. And then I feel that I can’t even relax when I get home unless I spent an hour or two cleaning. It’s bullshit. He works 4 days a week most of the time, and he’s LUCKY if he has to work 8 hours. He has plenty of time that he could spend 30 minutes helping me clean.

So those are my issues. Stop waking me up, and help me keep the house clean.

No he’s being a fucking baby about.

I can’t change the times I go to sleep, my body doesn’t work that way.

Bullshit.

You make it sound like I don’t do anything. I do dishes all the damn time. (Most of which have to get rewashed because you don’t rinse them first.)

Bullshit.

I know that these things are bugging me a little more because I’m a tad manic at the moment and the other stresses going on are getting to me, but I need some fucking help here!

God, would I LOVE the roles in this house to be reversed. Let HIM work 45 hours a week while I stay home, do nothing but eat junk food and kool-aid all day while playing video games, and sleep until early afternoon every damn day. And when I DO work, go to some lame, easy ass job that don’t pay shit and is more fun and social for him than anything else (no wonder why he wasn’t serious about finding a new job).

So I guess this turned into a total bitch-fest anyway. *shrugs* Whatever.

I’m sure he’s at Blockbuster right now complaining to his good buddies at work about how mean his girlfriend is.

Well, if his girlfriend didn’t have to act like his goddamned MOTHER, she wouldn’t fucking be like that!!!



 

Well, I really do think I would say that I want to die right now... But the truth is that I know I don’t.

I just want to not feel so crappy.

And by crappy, I mean horribly, crazy, insanely bad.

I really have no appetite, but I feel worse when I don’t eat. I swear I feel my heart beat in places I shouldn’t. Skin still feels hot, but it doesn’t start out that way when I wake up – it just gets worse throughout the day. I still think that my brain is trying to squeeze out of my temples. Blurry vision isn’t helping that, by the way.

I keep telling myself that there’s four more full days of work, plus the rest of today, before I get my vacation. Just four more days. I can do it. I can make it. Then, before I even have to come back to work, I can see a doctor if I still feel like crap.

But we kinda had an impromptu meeting today. There’s only three of us so it’s not like we have to schedule those kinds of things. Anyway, Chris pretty much told us to slack off as much as we could before our vacation – since we aren’t getting paid for a week and a half of work over Christmas and New Year’s. But when we get back on January 5th, we are all going to be working our asses off.

I’d better be feeling better by then or I might just decide that enough is enough. Come on, the only reason why I stand this job is because I can check my e-mail and chat with people sometimes when I’m not busy. If I didn’t have that, then the micro-managing bullshit, verbal corporate abuse, lousy pay, even worse benefits, and uncomfortable office chair would just be way too much to deal with.

So, to summarize by pathetic attempt at a blog today – I feel like shit, so people had better leave me alone.

 

My boss sent me home yesterday about 3. He told me about another issue we were having with a company we sell products for. When he was done, he just told me to go home, and not to dock it on my timecard.

That was all well and fine, but last night and today have been horrible. I went to bed about 7 last night, woke up with the alarm, called in sick, and went back to bed until 12.

The fever wasn’t bad when I woke up but I’m burning up right now. My stomach is upset so bad that all I can do is burp, and it tastes REALLY bad. I eat only because I feel so damn week.

And I HAVE to go to work tomorrow, no matter what. So I think I’m going to grab a cool shower and crawl back into bed.

Oh, and we put some money down on a car. The guy is going to hold it until I get the money from the insurance company. It’s a 1993 Jeep Cherokee... Yay! I’ll be a Jeep Girl again!

So yeah... About that shower...