Song: "Meet Me On the Equinox" by Death Cab for Cutie

I like that song, basically a lot. It's calming and nice, and it has a fall-ish, wintry (not the winter I dislike), sunny feeling to me. That's probably mostly because it was a New Moon thing, but that's alright with me. I liked that movie a lot. It was sunny and kind of happy, and just plain great. It had been close to the book, and it displayed the nearly exact emotions I picked up while reading the book (that Jacob was a sunshine-y character and such). After that book, I started opening my eyes to who my suns were in the world. I came up with two of my best friends who elevated my mood almost no matter what, and who brought me down when they were gloomy. But they (Hanna and McKayla) are almost always happy and talkative and just plain fun. There are other people I have who also are suns as well, to me, but kind of on a different level. While Hanna and McKayla can keep me happy just by their energy and own happiness, there's really only one person I "have" who, to me, is better than any sun, who is more like my world and universe.

I don't think I'll explain all of my feelings on that here, though.

I sort of came to vent just a bit. Not about anything huge, I was just kind of sad. I truly feel I'm losing my abilities with writing, or my muse that used to accompany me everywhere for writing. It depresses me a bit. I used to write all the time, and now I've steadily fallen (kind of contradictory) out of it. I even used to pull myself out of it to vent by way of poetry or short stories. Now I can't even find the will to write more than a paragraph, and when I do, I'm so drained and numb afterward that it's pathetic. I hardly read anymore, and it's just about as difficult. And, gosh darn it, I'm losing my words, too.

When I was little I loved the stories told to me and was mesmerized they came from the odds scribbles and shapes on papers, the things they built into books. So, I became kind of determined to learn to read. At three or four, which isn't all that special or surprising these days, I had gradually learned to read without too much help. Sure, pronouncing words and understanding others was a bit difficult, and I had a short attention span, but I continued to try and learn. Books were interesting and fun to me, they were an escape from my world and the hardships I was early introduced to. They also began to show me different lives that I wished I could have and things I longed for, like a proper father or more friends I could connect with and such. So, I was a bookworm through most of school. I began trying different arts, one of which was writing. I pulled grammar and spelling out of the books subconsciously and combined it to what I learned from school and applied it to my writing which slowly grew to exceptional for my age. I didn't have many close friends, a price I had to pay for being close to my reading, writing, and schoolwork. I did have my family, though, along with daycare and (over the years) one or two friends I kept in touch with.

The highest for my grades were reading and writing. Math I did adequately in, along with my other school subjects. Science was interesting to me, thanks to my love for animals, weather, and other stuff. I liked elementary school a lot, but I was pretty secluded from the other kids. They all hung out and played with one another. I had friends I played with, talked with, and laughed with. But, basically, I was an expendable playmate. My best friend for many years changed her interests very slightly and quickly found other friends to play with, girls who placed themselves above others. She became someone I tried to avoid after that. There were older girls in my daycare that I'd hang around, but they weren't true friends or anything. One girl who was just a year older would play with me and want to be my friend for a time. It was a time where I was struggling to find books I liked to read, transitioning away from picture or large-font books. She didn't like to read, so she'd try to pull me away from reading so I would go play with her instead. Eventually I would. As she got in high school, we drifted apart and I got easily replaced yet again as she "went to the dark side".

I came to know this one girl who had a bit in common with me, though she didn't care for reading either. We laughed and hung out, but not as much as my first best friend had. After my first childhood friend, Katie, I fell away from things like slumber parties, birthday parties, play dates, etc. It was a sort of "honor" (if you want to look at it that way) if I went to a friend's house to play or whatever. Otherwise, I would just see my friends at school, and that was it. My new friend at the time, Sarah, would come to my house, or I to hers. We were good friends, but not with the strongest bond in the world, I suppose. I was kind of selfish and all with my friends. I didn't know how to have more than one good friend, but my one good friend would always have other good friends that they'd spend a lot of time with. I'd get pushed to the side more and more, eventually, though I wouldn't notice it that often since I had other classmates and such I would talk with and all. My class was a big family so I wasn't all that lonely at any point, especially since I had my books as well. Sarah eventually moved, though, which didn't seem to faze me at first, but not long after, I had a sort of brief breakdown as I realized I wouldn't see her for a long time.

This was just after we graduated from elementary school (6th grade) and were about to go into high school (we don't have a middle school). It was probably the worst thing ever. To lose ones best friend just as you're about to switch schools (even though the elementary school and high school are connected).

In high school, my friends moved about a bit, but my eyes opened enough to accept anyone close to me as a sort of friend. I still read and wrote a lot and I was still shy. As the years passed, though, I slowly grew out of my shell. Around that time, I slowly read less-and-less, and that led to less writing. I became a bit more talkative and slightly more outgoing, but at the same time I began losing my hobbies (reading, writing, etc.). And then I decided that all the writing and reading allowed me to look smart and all, but I bet that if I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am now, especially in the intellect department. And without it now, I'm probably sinking down to where I was supposed to be all along. Kind of sad.
 

It's kind of scary, or unnerving, I suppose, when I listen to a song that pulls me back in time. Or at least I feel that way at the moment. Usually I like when songs allow me to reminisce, but when a dark song comes up and does that, it unsettles me a bit. And...though it pulls me into a darker place, I feel kind of reluctant to leave it.

A long time ago, my music teacher had my class listen to music. It was relatively calming, soothing. She said something like "They say that music can soothe the savage beast. But, does that also mean that it can awaken it as well?" And I feel music can do that. I feel it happens a lot. Especially for me.

So, that makes music a danger as well, for me.

There are times when it can calm me and allow me to feel positive feelings or reminisce about better days. But other times, like these, it can be a trigger for less-than-positive emotions. And sometimes, other music, can just pull out a bad side of me. Not necessarily a dark side. Just a side that goes against who I am. That kind of scares me.

And when I get to those points, sometimes I just don't want to leave them. When a bad, evil, or whatever side of me comes out, it usually wants to stay and play for awhile, and at times I don't have the strength to pull it back to where it came from, though at times I'm able to control it vaguely.

So, maybe if I can keep my control, things will be relatively alright. I hope.
 

Song: "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen

For the people out there who like to think they want to live life to the fullest, then that song might be for you. It talks about "would you have any regrets before you die?" or if you'd want to tell anyone "I love you" or maybe "I'm sorry" before you passed away. It's interesting. There's a handful of songs out there like this, but this is the only one so far that doesn't make me feel like crap.

Why would I feel like crap? Because I don't really live my life to the fullest. Don't judge me. I just feel safe in my stupid shell. So, no lectures either, thank you.

If you noticed that I was kind of grumpy or anything, good spotting. I'm not in a bad mood, but songs about life or helping the world make me tense and sometimes tear me apart inside. I have moments where I feel like a terrible person or a secluded hermit, so when songs preach about doing the opposite, it sets me on edge. They make it sound so friggin easy. So it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Why can't it be easy for me, too? Why don't I suddenly want to jump up and live life like I should? Why don't I have the sudden inspiration to go help random people? Am I a bad person? Do I really deserve to be here?

Of course, those are rhetorical questions, and just for the record, I'm not a philosopher. Those aren't my life-long questions. I don't give a rip half the time. I'm not going to go through life seeking the answers. It's a waste of time, for me. I'm already wasting time, so if those songs say to go live life, I'm not going to go answer hunting.

Anyway, lately I've been mega-song-searching. The song I mentioned earlier was one I came up with. Fun stuff. Another song I'm loving is "Fifteen" by Taylor Swift. I just love her music. Supposedly she believes in true love. Which rocks because I think I do too. The down side of that is: How am I supposed to know if this person is the one for me? I'm deciding not to worry about that stuff, though. I suppose people will know who is or isn't for them, at some point.

Oh, if, while reading that, you wanted to debate or something, you could try. I've wondered about the people who aren't monogamous, like some tribes or whatever in Africa. In the Bible, one time, we were going over stuff and it said that there is a perfect counterpart (a girl for each boy and vice versa) for everyone, so I believe it. When I remembered that some men have more than one wife, I got confused. Why would they have so many wives if there's only one perfect person for them? Would they marry a woman who was perfect for some other guy? I don't know, but I've kind of decided that if it were meant to be, it would happen, and stuff.

I know there's people in the world who get divorced a lot, or people who end up alone, and I don't know why that is or where their counterpart is, but I'm sure they're out there somewhere. I find it sad that they weren't able to find them, though, or they let them go or something. I could probably talk about all my theories and opinions and stuff, but I probably won't. It would take a while.

---

In school today we had a test in Chemistry. I'm not sure how I did, but I don't think I failed. In Music Theory we did interval stuff. I'm starting to really not-like that class. Oh well. In Algebra II we worked in workbooks on PSSA Math testing stuff. We did that once before, and I hated it. We didn't do that bad today, but I still didn't enjoy it.

In my art class we worked more on our Calacas, a Day of the Dead (Dia De Los Muertos) thing from Mexico. Mine is turning out okay. It's sitting on a chair, at a desk, drawing. It's kind of cute, but still not finished. I was cutting toothpicks the other day, to make "pencils" to put in my "pencil holder" on the mini-desk. For the pencil holder, I took the metal, eraser-holder thing on the end of my old pencil and popped the eraser out. So now it's a prop in my sculpture. So, I was cutting the toothpicks down to size. the first time I did, the other half went flying, so I decided to hold both sides of the toothpick while I cut it in half.

Not a good idea.

The second or third time I cut the toothpick, my finger was suddenly in between the blades right when the snapped the toothpick in half. So I got pinched, and cut. It left a v-shaped cut on the side of my finger that kind of stung for awhile. It had happened the day after my dog bit my index finger for messing with her while she was eating. "Bad Karma" (punny because that's my dog's name. Ha. Ha.). When I showed my mom the v-shaped cut, she asked if I was trying to get bandaids on all my fingers. Sort of amusing at the time, because I'd thought that earlier in the day.

Oh, yesterday the senior class got a new student. She's in my art class, which is how I met her. She's the school's new awesome drawer. She draws anime really well. She also has an attitude. And she's also from California. We supposedly got a new girl from Hawaii, too. Why these people are moving from those awesome places to come to my town, I have no clue.

In I-block there wasn't much fun singing going on. Instead, we were going over answers on a Science thing we're doing. We're trying to do Science stuff so we get a bit smart with it (we don't have any science classes this year) so that we're prepared and don't fail the Science PSSA's. Whenever Kate and I got an answer right, we'd say "Woo!" A little while later, McKayla started to join in. Then we got some other classmates to decide to join in. It was the best thing since sliced bread. I was so proud of us and our obnoxiously loud Woo!-ing.

Today we were starting Activity Period, so we had to go to our Advisers (homerooms) after I-block. We had a substitute today. No one really likes that substitute. He talks and talks and is rude and tries to be our friends, but doesn't pull it off. He likes silence. Silence and Fridays do not go together. He kept bossing us and stuff. Kate and I were talking with Tyler and McKayla and the guy walked up to us and was like "Get a computer, sit down, and do something. You aren't going to stand around and talk and do nothing." He kept having to tell the class that because we just wanted to chat with each other and laugh and have a good time. A couple times it was my fault for us getting in trouble because I have a really loud laugh (that's ok, though, because I love my laugh and how annoying it is). One time Tyler must have choked on his food (he hadn't had lunch because he went to college for some classes and got some food before he got back) because he started talking like he was an old man, so McKayla kept picking on him by imitating his voice. It was wonderful. I got her to say "Young whipper-snappers." and stuff. She had us busting a gut. I think Tyler had been taking a sip of his soda when she'd turn to him and put on an old-person's voice and said "Young whipper-snapper." when he choked again as he started to laugh. That was when I started laughing loudly and the guy told us to be quiet again, so I'd said, "But Tyler's choking and we have to help save him!" as an excuse (because I'm a pathological liar) and he'd said "Well, do it quietly."

That guy really got on our nerves, though. At one point he got in front of the class and started talking to us about teenagers and college and stuff. And he had the nerve to say McKayla was immature! Sure, she was acting like a child then, but, uh, hello? Does that give him the right to judge? Especially in front of our whole class? No. No, it doesn't.

Man, did we sober up real quick. McKayla and I wanted to take him down right then. He had no right, no right at all, to verbally bash her, even in that slight manner. Pretty much our whole class was trying to defend her, and I saw the fire in her eyes when he started saying crap like that. People are allowed to act immature. Especially teens (though adults, too, and stuff) because when we're trying to make it through life and pass school and stuff we have to relieve stress sometimes! She was ready to go after that. By "ready to go" I mean fight. She even tried to argue politely with him, but he kept having a sort of smug attitude saying that she was acting immature and everything. It just was not good news. He kept saying she could change, too, and act more mature. McKayla is a pretty mature person (when it doesn't come to revenge and stuff, though), so she doesn't need to change. My friends, all of them, are great just how they are. "Back in the day", there was this kid who liked using the phrase "Wanna box?!" when he was angry. That was how I felt at that time.

After that, we went to our Activities. Tyler and I went to Drama Club and stuff. That had been kind of cool. At first the teacher asked why we wanted to join. I'd been the first person he asked, and he had been impressed with my answer. I'd said "I wanted to join Drama club to have fun and be able to do stuff without getting judged." and later he said that that was one of his rules to the class and that's exactly why he liked acting and stuff: Nothing you do there is wrong. After that, Tyler and I high-fived. That was fun. We did some fun warm-ups and stuff, too. It was pretty cool. Just as the bell rang, we were in the middle of this name-game where we were supposed to say our name and what we like to do, along with an action, so it was amusing. He said "My name is Rob and...I like to rumble." while shaking himself a bit for the "rumble" thing (that had only been the example, though). One girl was like, "I'm Alexis, and I'm artsy." while doing a painting motion, so we were supposed to repeat that and do the same movement, and it was funny because we made it sound funny when we said "artsy". We said the "y" with a long "a" sound and stuff. One guy was like "I'm Tanner and I like to tickle!." and made tickle gestures while going "Tickle, tickle, tickle!" That had made us laugh a little, because we weren't really expecting it. I had no idea what I was going to say when it got to me, but I'd decided that I'd say "I'm Amber, and I like to give attitude." while putting my hands on my hips and, of course, giving an attitude by slightly "shaking" my head and body/hips at the same time, because I've seen little kids and teens do it a lot. I never got to try, though, because the bell rang a couple people before it was my turn.

I went to the library after school to get some books. I've been hearing about some interesting books lately that I sort of thought about reading, but awhile ago I started these books about bird-kids....If you guessed "Maximum Ride" you're right.. A couple people I knew mentioned them and stuff before, and I saw it in this one bookstore and decided to buy the first book and read it. It took forever to finish the first one, because I couldn't get interested in it with all the violence, but when the humor and stuff showed up more, it pulled me in for awhile. So I decided to get the "last" one today to read. I also got.. "Fire", I suppose, and a "Daughters of the Moon" book because I started those forever ago, too.

When I got up to my grandma's, I was uber tired. I didn't take a nap at first because she decided she wanted to hang a Christmas wreath on her door. So I went upstairs to grab it, went downstairs to stick it on the hook, then took the fall wreath upstairs to put on the hook up there, then I went downstairs and laid down on the couch. After a few moments of watching the Food Network (because my sister had it on, though sometimes I find it fun to watch, just because; and yes, I guess that's typical for some women), I curled up and sort of "hugged" the blanket on the couch so I could have a pillow, and eventually I fell asleep. What was probably a few minutes later, though, I regained consciousness and sat up on the couch and asked "What happened?" because I had this idea that I was late for school and wanted to know why. My sister laughed, though, because she thought it was cute that I'd "sat bolt upright" and asked that immediately after I'd been almost dead asleep. I suppose it could be cute, in a sense, but I mostly found it amusing.

Sometimes I do similar stuff when I'm at home sleeping. I'd jolt awake (almost jumping in the air while still laying horizontal), thinking I forgot to do something important, finding out that I'd already done it. I think this is the replacement for my old days of sleepwalking. Those days were amusing, I guess, even though I never remembered them happening.

Overall, today was an okay day. It had some fun moments. So, that's good. Tomorrow I might be starting to put up Christmas stuff. So yeah. That's the end of what I'm writing today. Good days to you all, I hope.

[Random last tidbit: My words of the day. 1. Inamorata. 2. Inamorato. Yeah, they're pretty similar, but that's ok. The plus sides: 1. It's Italiano. 2. It's lovey. Just in case you want an idea what they mean, here it is: inamorata = a woman who loves or is loved. Inamorato = a man who loves or is loved. Pretty sweet, huh? I thought so.]
 

Song: "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica

That has to be my favorite song right now. The second song I like by Metallica. It's a nice love song that bends (yes, "bends", not "breaks") my heart, I suppose. It may sound sort of sad, but the message isn't, I guess. It talks about how their love, or his feelings for her matters more than anything else, I think. Supposedly the guy wrote it when he was away from his girlfriend and missed her. It's nice. I first listened to this song done by Apocalyptica, which means there were no vocals and it was all orchestra and stuff. I was surprised when I listened to the original because I'm used to more heavy rock when it comes to Metallica.

I find it sort of amusing that I was "exposed" to Metallica before I was even born. Supposedly my step-dad would blare the music while my mom was pregnant for me. I remember riding in the vehicle with my step-dad once (or a couple times) before and having some sort of heavy metal rock playing loud enough that the bass drum (or whatever) was reverberating through my whole chest so that it felt my heart was beating in sync with the music. So, it's kind of like I got music beat into me, only in a nice way. Kind of interesting.

So, I haven't written anything in this blog for awhile. A long while. But that's ok. Thanksgiving is now over, but I'll say that I had a nice holiday. Christmas is coming up and sometimes I feel the excitement for it, but other times I get kind of anxious because I haven't gotten any shopping done yet. Yikes. We don't even really have decorations up, but this weekend I might be helping my grandma put up some of her outside lights. That should be fun. I'll get to stand on a railing and stuff. Awesome.

Today in English we were reading the Scarlet Letter. We found out "who the baby' daddy is." I'm not going to give it away for those who haven't read it yet, but I'll just say this: It was exactly who I "first" guessed it was going to me. Cool beans. It's fun to guess sometimes. I just don't like being wrong when it's something almost-important. Good thing that was all fun-and-games. Even though I would have won anyway if it were a bet.

Gym had its amusing points. We were playing matball and both my gym teachers were pitching the ball, and the guy-teacher set his cup down between them, and my goal was to knock it over at some point. Each time I kicked the ball, though, I got out, or at least almost every time I kicked. So I didn't knock over the cup (it was empty anyway). But the one time my gym teacher (the awesome, girl-teacher who is much more fun) went to pitch the ball, she hit the cup, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was a yelled "YES!" and my friend, Abbey, who was standing next to me started laughing hysterically and my gym teacher was busting a gut, too, though possibly because she felt kind of embarrassed. The other gym teacher sort of glared at her because the cup got kicked around briefly, and she said sorry, though she was trying to fight back laughter at the same time. But I was happy. My goal was accomplished, in a way.

In lunch, I have a sort of routine. I show up late, get my lunch when our table is called up, sit down and eat and talk a little with my friends, give away whatever is left, take up my tray, sit back down and start singing "to" Abbey. Near the end of lunch I got McKayla to come over and we started singing together. I love singing with my friends, even if it sucks.

At the beginning of I-block McKayla and I stood at the front of the room (because she'd been drawing on the blackboard) and continued singing. Some of the guys laughed and told us not to quit our day jobs. That's when my defensiveness and attitude kicked in. I don't remember what my exact reaction was, but I probably snapped (my fingers) at them and said something like "I'm going to become the best singer and you guys are going to be like 'Oh, Amber, I'm sorry for picking on you! You're the best singer ever!'" but they laughed again at the ludicrousness of it. I just smirked because I knew it was silly, too, but I sort of felt sad that they picked on our singing. It probably wasn't pretty, so I understood what they were saying. I'll have to remember in the future, though, if we do become good singers, to pay them a visit and possibly rub it in their faces that we did become awesome singers. "So ha!"

I got elbowed in the chest at some point, though, by another of my friends, Cassi, because of a similar reason. She thought I'd been singing to her, when I wasn't. I'd been surprised and got annoyed so I'd hit her in the stomach back, though not roughly. It was sort of a game, I guess, though I wasn't laughing. It's those sort of moments when people do stuff like that and make me feel like crap that I want to make sure that they never make me feel that way again. Like when people pick on me about my singing that I decide to torture them with it or something. I feel I'm an adequate singer, so I don't really feel they should put me or anyone else down, so if making their ears bleed by purposefully doing what they don't want me to do is a safe revenge, I'd probably do it. I'm a competitive person and very prideful, so I have to feel I'm pretty good at something and make it out with my ego intact, I guess. I'll have to work through that stuff, though, because I'm not the best at anything, or very good at anything, so I'll have to try to toss those traits out of my personality.

Proof is that I'm no longer "1st" in my grade. Which means other people are starting to get better grades than me. That might hurt my pride a bit, but the truth is starting to show, that I'm not as smart as people believe I am, so I'll deal with it. Also, a new girl showed up today who can draw super awesome, better than me. I was impressed. So, now that someone else is "taking that from me", it's one less thing people can say I'm good with, which will also just help my point at not being very good at anything. And there's at least one girl in my chorus who sings "better" than I. In Music Theory and Band, pretty much everyone knows their music stuff more than I do. I haven't tried looking into it, but I'm sure there are people (possibly like Kate) who are better at writing than I am.

I'm not trying to have a pity-party. I'm not upset over these things. I feel it's just how it is. I'm just throwing out proof that I don't really have much of anything "to my name" (for lack of a "better" quote). I feel I'm fine as I am in these things. I could be much better, but this is me, and if things are starting to show that I'm just a simple, normal, average person, then maybe that's fine. It sort of makes things difficult about where I'm going to go in the future, but still. Things should work out. So maybe that's "me in a nutshell". Probably not, but yeah.

Tomorrow is Friday. It should be interesting. Tyler and I go to Drama club with a bunch of "little" kids, again. I hope it's funner than last year...Hanna might even show up this weekend. That would be nice. She could help make sure I don't fall off the railing when I'm helping put up Christmas lights. Yippee.
 

Song: "All the Right Moves" by OneRepublic

So that song is pretty good. It puts me in a good mood, at least for now. Though maybe I was in a good mood before I listened to it, again. Anyway, it's the day before Veterans' Day, but I'm not going to let it depress me.

Today my class and some seniors to ASVAB tests. It's supposed to help you figure out where you'd be if you wanted to join the military, to help you learn more about yourself, and to help you understand what job might be best for you. So, hearing those things, I was pretty psyched to take the test.

I have a lot of trouble trying to decide and think about my future. Supposedly I am good at a lot of things, and that's not really a great thing. I sort of wish I was great with one thing so I didn't have to figure out by myself on what I want to do. Usually when I have to think about college, school, my future, and other stuff, I tune it out and just tell myself I won't have a future. I pretty much have myself believing that, but maybe this test will help me choose something besides being a homeless person in the future.

It'll be kind of sad, or maybe ironic, if the test says I'd do best if I joined the military. I doubt that would happen, but it would still be ironic to me. Though maybe that's what I'd need.

Oh, my dog is starting to play fetch. That's kind of exciting, to me. Playing fetch with a dog is kind of amusing for me. I don't know why.

Also, I'm sort of getting back in the mood to write. Even though I'm in the mood, though, it's still hard for me to accomplish it. So far I'm halfway through writing another chapter (whether it's bad or not) but I still need to add more to it, though I'm not sure what I need to add yet.

So I'm no longer sure of what else to write. Well, the feeling of big holidays coming up is getting stronger; I'm starting to get kind of excited. I hope to sing some Christmas carols and stuff with my voice lessons soon. I think that could be fun. Plus, I sort of feel like I want to be something almost big in the future, like be in some music or acting deal. Like, I think it would be cool to go to different places and sing for people, but probably not by myself. It would be fun to have a band with some friends or something and be good at it and be recognized for any skills we have. So today I told Tyler that we should sing some sort of duet for the chorus concert, just because I want to get good at singing and sing in front of people. I once told McKayla and possibly Abbey that we should write an awesome song that people would like to sing along to (like "Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)" by Lostprophets) and sing it during the Talent Show at school. But McKayla doesn't want to draw attention to herself.

All in all, my day was pretty ok. There were moments Josh picked on me--he always seems to do that now--but I'm mostly tolerating it. In art class he didn't say much to me, but I did tell him to shut his mouth at one point, I guess. In lunch I made a shooting-myself-in-the-head gesture--I do that a lot, I suppose--and he'd said "Just do it already!" and I stared at him for a bit, but then Tyler swallowed his food and was like "Oh, nu-uh! We only do that to people we don't like; we like Amber!" I was sort of amused and kind of glad Tyler stuck up for me (usually I'm left to fend for myself), and I was still kind of happy even after Josh was like "What?! No." in what I suppose was his way of disagreeing on the "we" in "we like Amber!" But oh well. I'd just laughed.

So, yup, today was good. I'm still in a good mood. Hopefully I will be for the rest of the day, and I think it would be great if I got to stay home tomorrow and be in a happy mood. Yeah, that'd be real nice.
 

Song: "Tonight" by FM Static

At two-thirty in the morning, I woke up to get ready to go to the school. A few minutes later, my mom woke up, grumpy. Naturally, things got sort of tense on and off, and I began to think, almost hope, that something would happen to me when I was gone, as a sort of revenge, so she would be like "The last thing we did together was fight " though we didn't really fight, I guess. I was a little upset, though.

When we got to the school, I went inside with the rest of my classmates and met up in the library. We had to get our bags checked. It was sort of weird; I was uncomfortable.

The bus ride was interesting. Kate and I chatted away most of the time. It was fun. I like hanging out with her most of the time because she laughs with me sometimes. She was my travel buddy through the trip. We only argued once, I think.

It was a long bus ride, though. It's sort of tiring to go through all the details, so I'm probably just going to list stuff soon.

We stopped at McDonald's for breakfast and a bathroom break. Nothing too special happened. We went to a Metro station, or something. That was interesting too. I thought I liked the Metro at first, but later that night it made me feel ill and stuff.

We went to Arlington Cemetery. I didn't really like it; it made me depressed, I guess. It was tiring, too. We went to museums later. That was kind of fun, because I was joking and people were laughing, even though I don't feel I was all that funny, but it made me feel good to hear them. I ended up buying this Rasta doll at the African Art Museum thing (whatever Smithsonian exhibit/museum that is) and it was fun stuff. He (that's what I believed it was anyway) acted as a sort of "conscience" sort of thing. He was bossy, too, and some people (or just one guy) got annoyed at him. The Rasta doll got threatened "a lot", too, so..yeah.

I had a headache through half of the first day. When nighttime came and thinks started getting colder, thinks steadily grew worse. On our Metro trip back to our school bus, things just became "terrible". I was nearly positive I was close to throwing up from the pain and nausea, but I held it together ok.

When we got to the hotel finally, I relaxed on the bed a bit in hopes that the headache would drift away steadily until we had to go back out to the bus to go to Don Pablo's for dinner. My headache stayed, though, and I was pretty miserable.

Outside of the hotel, I tried sitting on the ground and leaning on a trash can (because I felt I could barely stand by myself and that I would have really rather leaned on someone), but nothing helped my headache, and I didn't want to ask anyone if I could use their shoulder or arm as a forehead-rest.

When we started walking to the bus, though, I jokingly told or asked Tyler about giving me a piggy-back ride. To my surprise, though, he said "sure" or "ok", or maybe even both. I was surprised because he sometimes complains about back problems and such. So I'd said "Really?..." and he'd said something along the lines of "yeah" and stopped so I could attempt jumping on his back. I failed the first time, though, because he's a giant and I was still to shaky and stuff to jump very high, but he bent his knees a bit so the second time I successfully hopped onto his back.

I felt odd on his back, though. Every step he took sort of jolted me a bit, and I felt almost like a giant too, while I was up there. I was afraid I was going to tire him out quickly, too, or hurt him, so when we were a couple feet (or yards) from the bus I told him he could let me down if he wanted, so he did. Then I made sure to ask him if I had hurt him, because I'm pretty scared that I'd hurt someone if they gave me a piggy-back ride. But he said I didn't, so it was ok.

I still felt sick, even while at the restaurant. A couple people asked me if I was ok and stuff because I was sort of huddled behind my hands and such, trying to make my headache go away while concentrating on not getting sick. McKayla ended up saying she had to go to the bathroom and asked if I wanted to come with her, so I did. I didn't get sick when we were there, but I did lay on the floor because it was cool against my cheek and sort of helped.

I don't have too much I want to say about that restaurant, even though different stuff went on. I'll say, though, that even though I sat next to Kate and another girl, we were sort of "surrounded" by boys, and that meant I "had" to listen to everything they had to say, and since there was a pretty waitress serving us, it wasn't anything I wanted to listen to.

Not much really happened when we got back to the hotel either. I had gotten enough sugar, fluids, and food into my system that my headache disappeared, though. Kate and I were both going to have separate beds at first, but a little while before I had to change into my pajamas and go to bed, my other group-person, Teresa, decided the chair-couch-thing wasn't comfortable enough for her, and wanted to share a bed with one of us.

Teresa is nice and all, but she sort of bothers me sometimes. Actually, both of us really. I tried being nice and stuff the whole time I was with her, though, so I humored her and just let her have my bed as I went to sleep on the chair. It wasn't even that uncomfortable, but I had sort of wanted to sleep in the bed, but oh well.

In the morning I was kind of grumpy. Then we found out that our tour time for the White House was changed. So we had to rush to get there and half of us never had breakfast. I had some breakfast, though, so that was ok...Until we got to the Metro.

I was so nauseous, it wasn't funny. At first it was ok because it wasn't too crowded. I just stood there (most all the seats were taken by my classmates and other people) and pressed my head against the cold pole and tried to keep my stomach under control. When things started to get a bit more crowded, I didn't have the chance to do that.

It was that day, the second day, Wednesday, that things got odd with my classmates. The guys (and really everyone) were tired and almost rowdier. They even made "crude" sort of jokes and "flirted" more with people. The first odd experience I'd had with that sort of thing wasn't that bad; it was when I was clinging to the pole with my eyes shut that, when I opened them, a realized one of my classmates was staring at me while the other was talking. For some reason, I didn't even hear the kid until I asked him "What?"

Then he'd asked me things like if I was trying to "be the pole" and if I was "practicing" or something, and asked if I was a sort of "pole-dancer" as a sort of "after-school" or whatever job, so I'd laughed shortly and sarcastically said "Oh, yeah" because I knew he'd laugh and leave me alone afterward.

The White House was pretty, though I didn't learn too much. We also went to the Capital Building, which was interesting. It was tiring, though, too, and our tour guide bothered me. He was sort of enjoying that we didn't know the answers to his questions at first, and I wanted him to just educate us rather than make us feel inferior. So when our brilliant History Teacher started answering the questions (and getting them right), I was happy to see the smirk in the tour guide's eyes disappear and be replaced with a tinge of annoyance. That was plain great.

In the Library of Congress (possibly; I can't be sure I have the name right), we were able to relax a bit. I laughed a bit with some of my friends and stuff. I was even able to tolerate some of the inappropriate jokes Josh had said toward me when I went to stand near Kate who was sitting on a bench with him and Teresa.

Eventually, we made it back to the Metro and I got to stand again through the whole thing. It wasn't that bad that time and I got to talk with one of my chaperons and Kate. The other, and last, weird/odd moment I had to go through that involved a tired/"flirty"/joking guy/classmate, was when I was standing near the train doors and he was shifting around on the train so he was swinging slightly on the bar hooked to the ceiling of the train. On one swing, though, he could have probably head-bumped me if he stretched far enough, and he noticed me and made a kissing noise, and after I held out my hand in defense saying "Whoa there" he laughed and backed away.

From most of what I saw and stuff, though, I didn't get the worst of any of the crazy flirting going around, so it was bearable and such. I didn't even really get bothered by the other jokes Josh said, I guess, even though they weren't too funny. Like, as we were walking, he would randomly say "Hey, go play on the yellow lines" or make a pushing gesture at me and say "Next speed bump" and stuff.

He'd laugh, though, so I wouldn't take him seriously. When we were running to catch up with our one chaperon who was speed-walking, he said (before we started crossing the street) "Don't feel bad if I get hit by a car, because I'll just throw you out in front of it first." so I'd half-laughed and said "I don't think so" and started running past him, but then he grabbed my hood and I had to push myself harder to get away. I ended up getting away from him and was safe from his weird sense of humor, eventually.

Something amusing about the trip was that my class seemed to "break"/stop three to four escalators. We aren't really sure why. It just happened. Something annoying, though, was that some of the metal detectors in some of the buildings required me to keep taking off my belt, and I started to get angry by the third time. I was about ready to keep it off for the rest of the day, but since there were times I had to run and stuff, I needed it on so I didn't have to hold on to my pants as I ran. One time I had to do that, though, and it wasn't that great.

All in all, the trip was nice. I had fun at times, though there were boring parts. Another fun thing was when Tyler and I sang to songs on my MP3 player, and we even got some other people to sing along. It was great. I'm glad I get to do those things with my class, because they can be amusing. I don't usually have as much fun when I'm on trips with my family. It was a nice experience.
 

Song: "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train

So, me and my class will (hopefully) be heading out to DC tomorrow. Yay. I'm sort of excited. I'm kind of nervous too. I'm mostly looking forward to the time I'll spend with my friends and stuff, but the things we see should be interesting too. When I go on a trip, though, I don't pay as much attention to the things I see as much as care about who I'm with. It's the people who make things worth while, I feel.

Today was kind of a laid-back day, thank goodness. We seemed to have a lot of substitutes, which was ok. In English we read more of The Scarlet Letter; in Chemistry we took a quiz; in Gym we played "Pickleball"; in Music Theory we did "modes" and scales and stuff; in Chorus we sang "Softly, Sweetly", a "Carol of the Bells" jazz thing, and "All I Want for Christmas" and my class had a class meeting during the first part; in art we made whatever we wanted out of clay, so I made a rhino "eating" a carrot (because it's one of my "goals in life"); in I-block Kate and I worked on our kids' book ("Pedro the Platypus Goes to the Zoo"); in Algebra we "studied"; in World Cultures we researched our Africa country and stuff. Mine is Kenya, because it's safari-ish and makes me think of the awesome African animals.

It was a bearable day. Now all I mostly have to worry about is packing everything I need for tomorrow.

5 Things I'll Most Likely See at DC:

1. The White House
2. Art
3. Museums
4. Animals
5. Memorials
 

Song: "Untitled" by Simple Plan [this is important to my short story, so I advise that you watch the music video and listen to the song. Carefully. Please.]

During school we had an assembly and a mother told us about MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). It was sad. She and her pastor-husband had six kids. She would tell the story better, because she's done it a lot for different schools, and the bottom line was that her husband, two daughters, and oldest son got killed. And the two people in the other car were killed as well, one or both of them having been drunk, and driving. Her other daughter that had been in the car had a severely broken leg, so the doctors weren't sure she'd ever be able to walk again, and the girl also had a fractured skull, so she became mentally retarded.

It was a sad story.

So, that's all I'm really going to say, because I'm distracted by other things. But I wanted to say what I had because I want people to understand this:

DON'T DRIVE UNDER ANY INFLUENCE!

Thank you.
 

Today during Music Theory I felt inferior and all, I guess. There are only three of us in that class, and I'm the only one who doesn't really understand what is going on. I felt like an idiot, and eventually started tuning out the teacher. I probably should have tried harder to understand, but I'm not that kind of person.

Every once in awhile in the class I'd pretend to shoot myself in my own disturbed way of venting. It didn't really help, but I still do it.

That class pretty much messed up the rest of my day.

After it was band, another class I don't like. A kid, one of the obnoxious boys that "pick" on me during World Cultures along with Josh, said something pretty stupid to me. And by "stupid" I meant that he probably could've gotten in a lot of trouble with the school had a teacher heard him.

What had happened was, I was talking to McKayla, and he'd seen me pretend to shoot myself, and he'd said something like "I could bring my gun tomorrow and you could actually do that, you know."

I'd turned to glare at him a bit, seeing that he was grinning at his "joke" and only said in a sarcastic/caustic tone "Yeah, sure."

For most of the day, I thought about death and suicide and stuff. I thought about how people who commit suicide don't get to go to Heaven, and sometimes I wonder if it's true that they have a special place they go to (like floating in nothingness forever, or something) or if they just go to Hell. I don't really know, and it's not something I'm going to debate over. I just figured that, even if I end up finding one day that I have nothing to hold me back on earth, that I'll try to keep myself together enough that I don't do something that will send me to Hell. It's probably not the right reason to stop myself from that crap, but it's one that could help.

Usually when I think of those things, I tell myself that I'd only hurt the people I love, and that stops me from thinking much about it. A book I've been reading where a girl kills herself, or wants to, kind of messes that up for me, though, because she had a boyfriend and family to consider, but just looked past them and did it anyway. Hopefully I'll soon get over that stuff and realize suicide is unnecessary drama.

I really don't believe I'm scared of death, though. I've had stupid thoughts and ideas about it, too. I'm not sure I should share any, either. They're kind of upsetting.

Anyway, I feel like I've explained more than half of this wrong, so I'm going to "cut this short" and go. It's late and I'm tired. I'd gotten less sleep than I'd expected this morning, because I got woken at five something and had to help my mom with stuff. I'm also probably getting sick, too. I just hope that I'll be better when my class heads to DC and stuff.

So, I'll be writing in this later. Someday. I pray that everyone else out there who has it worse than me, or also think about suicide stuff find the strength to make it through the days. There's always something good to come. And I hope you all get to see it.
 

Song: "Fireflies" by Owl City

I really like that song. I also really like "Beside You" by Marianas Trench. They both lift my spirit a bit. But also feel kind of painful. I'm not going to try to explain it.

Right now I feel like I'm kind of falling to pieces. I probably won't go into explaining that either.

I heard all, or most, of that song today during gym. We were playing capture the flag again. I like that game. I tagged a couple people, so I felt I accomplished a little during the game.

I also had a half day of school. It doesn't matter why.

I drove my grandma to Wal-mart so she could get groceries. I was nervous somewhere in my mind about parking in the lot, but I didn't hit anything, so it was ok.

My cousin came to visit for a while. We didn't talk much. She played a board game with my grandma. I read and watched tv.

We had a "fiesta" in my World Cultures class. I can probably truthfully say I don't really trust Josh. Every time I leave my seat I have to ask what he did when I come back because in the past he stole something of mine briefly or taped some of my book pages shut.

What I meant by "fiesta" was that people brought in food (chips, dip, salsa, Latin American stuff in a way) because we were finishing the USA/Mexico/Caribbean/South America unit, I guess. We'll be moving on to studying Africa stuff soon. Yay.

I mostly finished my coil pot in Ceramics & Sculptures class. It just needs a handle. It's kind of smooth, too, so that makes me happy sometimes.

My class will be going to DC sometime in November. That should be fun. It's cool there. I'm sort of excited.

I got a hair cut yesterday. A few people that noticed said it looked nice or cute. I didn't agree, but I tried not to complain a lot. I'll be waiting for it to grow out a bit.

5 Places That Interest Me (I suppose):

1. California
2. Ireland
3. Italy (Venice, Tuscany)
4. Philadelphia, PA
5. New York City, NY