Song: "Untitled" by Simple Plan [this is important to my short story, so I advise that you watch the music video and listen to the song. Carefully. Please.]

During school we had an assembly and a mother told us about MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). It was sad. She and her pastor-husband had six kids. She would tell the story better, because she's done it a lot for different schools, and the bottom line was that her husband, two daughters, and oldest son got killed. And the two people in the other car were killed as well, one or both of them having been drunk, and driving. Her other daughter that had been in the car had a severely broken leg, so the doctors weren't sure she'd ever be able to walk again, and the girl also had a fractured skull, so she became mentally retarded.

It was a sad story.

So, that's all I'm really going to say, because I'm distracted by other things. But I wanted to say what I had because I want people to understand this:

DON'T DRIVE UNDER ANY INFLUENCE!

Thank you.
 

Today during Music Theory I felt inferior and all, I guess. There are only three of us in that class, and I'm the only one who doesn't really understand what is going on. I felt like an idiot, and eventually started tuning out the teacher. I probably should have tried harder to understand, but I'm not that kind of person.

Every once in awhile in the class I'd pretend to shoot myself in my own disturbed way of venting. It didn't really help, but I still do it.

That class pretty much messed up the rest of my day.

After it was band, another class I don't like. A kid, one of the obnoxious boys that "pick" on me during World Cultures along with Josh, said something pretty stupid to me. And by "stupid" I meant that he probably could've gotten in a lot of trouble with the school had a teacher heard him.

What had happened was, I was talking to McKayla, and he'd seen me pretend to shoot myself, and he'd said something like "I could bring my gun tomorrow and you could actually do that, you know."

I'd turned to glare at him a bit, seeing that he was grinning at his "joke" and only said in a sarcastic/caustic tone "Yeah, sure."

For most of the day, I thought about death and suicide and stuff. I thought about how people who commit suicide don't get to go to Heaven, and sometimes I wonder if it's true that they have a special place they go to (like floating in nothingness forever, or something) or if they just go to Hell. I don't really know, and it's not something I'm going to debate over. I just figured that, even if I end up finding one day that I have nothing to hold me back on earth, that I'll try to keep myself together enough that I don't do something that will send me to Hell. It's probably not the right reason to stop myself from that crap, but it's one that could help.

Usually when I think of those things, I tell myself that I'd only hurt the people I love, and that stops me from thinking much about it. A book I've been reading where a girl kills herself, or wants to, kind of messes that up for me, though, because she had a boyfriend and family to consider, but just looked past them and did it anyway. Hopefully I'll soon get over that stuff and realize suicide is unnecessary drama.

I really don't believe I'm scared of death, though. I've had stupid thoughts and ideas about it, too. I'm not sure I should share any, either. They're kind of upsetting.

Anyway, I feel like I've explained more than half of this wrong, so I'm going to "cut this short" and go. It's late and I'm tired. I'd gotten less sleep than I'd expected this morning, because I got woken at five something and had to help my mom with stuff. I'm also probably getting sick, too. I just hope that I'll be better when my class heads to DC and stuff.

So, I'll be writing in this later. Someday. I pray that everyone else out there who has it worse than me, or also think about suicide stuff find the strength to make it through the days. There's always something good to come. And I hope you all get to see it.
 

Song: "Fireflies" by Owl City

I really like that song. I also really like "Beside You" by Marianas Trench. They both lift my spirit a bit. But also feel kind of painful. I'm not going to try to explain it.

Right now I feel like I'm kind of falling to pieces. I probably won't go into explaining that either.

I heard all, or most, of that song today during gym. We were playing capture the flag again. I like that game. I tagged a couple people, so I felt I accomplished a little during the game.

I also had a half day of school. It doesn't matter why.

I drove my grandma to Wal-mart so she could get groceries. I was nervous somewhere in my mind about parking in the lot, but I didn't hit anything, so it was ok.

My cousin came to visit for a while. We didn't talk much. She played a board game with my grandma. I read and watched tv.

We had a "fiesta" in my World Cultures class. I can probably truthfully say I don't really trust Josh. Every time I leave my seat I have to ask what he did when I come back because in the past he stole something of mine briefly or taped some of my book pages shut.

What I meant by "fiesta" was that people brought in food (chips, dip, salsa, Latin American stuff in a way) because we were finishing the USA/Mexico/Caribbean/South America unit, I guess. We'll be moving on to studying Africa stuff soon. Yay.

I mostly finished my coil pot in Ceramics & Sculptures class. It just needs a handle. It's kind of smooth, too, so that makes me happy sometimes.

My class will be going to DC sometime in November. That should be fun. It's cool there. I'm sort of excited.

I got a hair cut yesterday. A few people that noticed said it looked nice or cute. I didn't agree, but I tried not to complain a lot. I'll be waiting for it to grow out a bit.

5 Places That Interest Me (I suppose):

1. California
2. Ireland
3. Italy (Venice, Tuscany)
4. Philadelphia, PA
5. New York City, NY
 

So there was church today, and we went to the mall. The mall trip was sort of boring. I tried to take a nap on the way there, but I guess I didn't get too much sleep. Oh well.

At the moment, I'm not doing much, except moping. Maybe I'll try reading or something later, or maybe take another nap. I kind of feel like I just want to disappear. As if it would help escape depression and stuff. Oh well. Again.

5 Quotes:

1. "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at
you because you're all the same."
2. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
3. "Well, diamonds they fade/ And flowers they bloom/ And I'm telling you/ These feelings won't go away." - Citizen Cope, "Sideways"
4. "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." - Erin Majors
5. "You're free! You're free to love each other completely, totally. Just no fear. So there's nothing you don't know about each other, and it's okay." - Quince, "Meet Joe Black"
 

Song: "Night and Day" performed by The Temptations

I guess that song was performed by a lot of people, and the version I liked I heard during the movie "What Women Want". I think it's a great song mostly because it's "mellow" and soulful. It kind of makes me imagine a cruise ship at night with people all dressed up and dancing and whatnot. The song "Moon River" performed by the Percy Faith Orchestra, or whatever, also makes me think of stuff like that.

I think it would be nice or cool to do things sort of like that. Things like dancing--actually dancing, meaning waltz and such or plain slow dancing, not the club dancing sort of deals--or going to places with lights, which is common everywhere, but I mean sort of cities at night. Like, Paris, I guess. All that romantic sort of stuff.

Watching a "chick flick" got me to thinking about that kind of stuff, I get, but that's ok. I don't mind imaging those things, and whatnot.

This morning I woke up with a headache, and from having a weird dream. I can barely remember it now, but I was thinking way too much while I was sleeping. That may be weird or hard to believe or whatever, but it's true. Everything that happened in my dream happened because I might have been half-awake, and communicating with my brain on how to change my dream each time. So while I was thinking through most of my dream, I woke up and had a headache from it, because I didn't get much sleep, though I had slept for-ever.

This morning/afternoon has been ok so far, though. I just hope the rest of my day goes alright.

5 Things That Would Be Nice (and Possibly 'Romantic') to Do Someday:

1. Visiting/seeing Rockefeller Center at Christmas
2. Watching a sunset from a beach
3. Watch the stars
4. Take a walk in the woods
5. See fireworks (maybe)
 

Song: "Apologize" by OneRepublic

This morning I woke up around six, kind of feeling like all my senses were dulled, kind of numb. When I focused more on what I was hearing, the first thing that came to my ears was my alarm clock which is set to play the radio when it goes off. The first words I heard was "No matter what you've done, I still love you."

That fixed the numbness and my senses, but not really in a positive way. What had happened was it helped my brain work back up to pace, getting out of it's recently-woken-up state, but it had me focusing on stuff that didn't really put me in a good mood.

So for most of my day, including now, I've been depressed. Also, I know I've said I'm pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm crying, but I felt pretty surprised when I was crying on a bus with at least thirty people and no one really noticed. Of course, it wasn't too hard to hide. I pretended to be sleeping, and no one bothered me or asked what was up. I had had enough time to cry a bit, wipe my tears inconspicuously and act neutral when we arrived at our field trip destination.

Our field trip was to a college for career day. It was an ok trip. Nothing too special. It didn't help me plan my future or anything, and all it really did was make me tired again. I did get out of my depression for a bit while we were walking around learning stuff, but when I got back on the bus and had to settle back down, I almost instantly went back into my earlier state, but this time I didn't hide my face and cry some more. I'll probably do that later.

5 Things I Like about Winter:

1. The colors: white, green, brown
2. Sleigh riding
3. Christmas
4. Cocoa
5. Heaters

Something I don't like about the season is that it gets cold here. It was snowing outside almost all day, and we had to walk in it for awhile. That part wasn't too fun. I was glad when we were able to stay inside for a bit.

And there's the winter tidbit.
 

Song: "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey

Today was an alright day, I suppose. But guess what happened?

It snowed.

I'm not even sure it's the right time of year for that, but it did. And it was cold. I was shaking like a chihuahua.

Well, we played baseball in gym. It was alright, for baseball. I got out a few times, but that's ok. McKayla was passing me one time (we were on different teams) and she said something about me never going to get her out.

Just before the game ended, she was running by and I was trying to pick the ball up, and one of the rules was we weren't allowed to throw it, so I rushed to grab it, and spin around and I barely touched her. But, knowing she realized she was out, I shouted "I GOT YOU!" and, boy, if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here right now.

I'd thought she was going to attack me, so I'd ran a few steps away from her, all the while hearing some other people in my class laughing at my reaction to getting McKayla out. And one of my old friends, Cassi, gave me a sort of weird smile while telling me I was funny, but probably in the sense I was odd.

Ever since Cassi came back to school, things have turned back to how they were a little bit. I'm glad she's back, but now it means I have to watch my back more. She's not a bully or anything, but she'll randomly kick someone in the butt, or jump on my backpack so I almost fall over backwards, or bump into my side with her hip, or shove me slightly. And she's not even that tall. She's, like, half my height, so...I don't know, it seems kind of odd to me, though I'm not sure why.

Anyway, since she's come back, I almost may be getting a tad bit (which really means only a little bit) more "aggressive". When she relatively butt-bumped me today, it had hurt my back (only because I've been sore since playing hockey) so I'd shoved her away. I'd also been patting her face as she walked by me in gym because she'd walk over in a way that she was aiming to bump into me, but I'd move and she'd walk after me a bit, so I'd reach out and pat the sides of her face a bit, then push her away gently to keep her walking like she was supposed to.

Then, in my last class of the day, Josh (like I'd mentioned before, Tyler's cousin) had intruded on my space a little, which is sort of normal sometimes. But we were supposed to be coloring our maps for World Cultures, and so I got my colored pencils out and opened the box slightly, and he'd reached over (which isn't that hard since I have to sit by him) and kind of yanked them away from me, spilling some of them across the table. I got annoyed, and I punched his hand.

It probably wasn't the right choice of action, but like I said, I've gotten a tad bit more aggressive. I didn't hurt him, though. I hurt myself more than him, because punching walls has messed up my hands, I feel, and stuff.

All he really said was "You had to punch?" which I'd replied to as "Yes, I did." It didn't make him stop teasing me, though.

Later on he was messing around with tape and decided to try putting it on some of my stuff. He thought he was being all sneaky and everything, but when I can tell out of my peripheral vision that someone is starting to handle my books or other things, or get around it, I get sort of suspicious. But I let him think he was tricking me, and when he moved his hands away, I just reached over and took the tape off.

He ended up trying to put some tape on my arms and was thinking about putting it in my hair, but I took it away from him. And eventually him, me, and the guy sitting on my other side started trying to steal the tape away from me. So I was outnumbered, and eventually left with no tape. When the other guy wasn't paying attention to me, though, and was trying to trick a girl across the room into thinking a piece of paper was sticking to his finger when it was actually tape, I snatched it back from him, which made the girl laugh.

After school I had to stay after with Cassi so we could make up a chemistry lab we missed. We were working with zinc and NaOh (sodium hydroxide which is dangerous) and fire. We took some pennies and stuff, and we ended up making them look silver, then gold. We got to keep them, and they look cool.

5 Colors I Like (Because I can't think of anything better to list):

1. Lilac (possibly my favorite purple, and color)
2. Light blue
3. Green
4. Midnight blue
5. Orange
 

Song: "Show Me What I'm Looking For" by Carolina Liar

So this morning I, along with some of my other classmates, got to take a "huge" test. For a Pennsylvania thing, it's a pre-SAT thing. I don't really know what SAT stands for, or what the big deal for it is, but I know it's important.

The test was supposed to take two hours and ten minutes. How long it really took, I'm not sure. My brain was sort of fried by the time I was done. I might have kind of failed it, but it's just to show what the real test will look like, so it's no big deal.

In my art class, we're still working on our coil pots. My vase is turning out ok, and I might actually get finished with it by Friday! Yay. I hope it turns out good, too, and doesn't explode. I want it to be one of my best clay projects, because I'm kind of proud that it's turning out ok.

5 Art "Forms" I like doing:

1. Drawing (pencil, sometimes pen)
2. Painting (sort of)
3. Clay (sometimes)
4. Charcoal sketching and blending (though it's messy)
5. Origami
 

Today I learned a bit about Butch Cassidy. I also got to play hockey. That was fun. I'm not really good at the game, but I seem to surprise some people by how aggressive, or whatever, I can get when I play. I don't hurt people, or at least I don't intend to.

I got two goals when I played, though, which is more than I ever have. It was mostly out of luck, but I was ok with that.

Sports I Kind of Like:

1. Badminton
2. Hockey
3. Soccer
4. Capture the Flag (my school's version)
5. Gatorball(?)

I'm not sure if the last one is even the right game, but I'm thinking of the game where there are four cones set up in the gymnasium, two on each side. On the cones is a ball. People pass a football to their teammates and try to knock the ball off the cone. If the football falls to the ground, though, it becomes sort of soccer until someone can get it up off the ground enough to catch it.

It's sometimes a fun game, but when people start whipping it and hit the goalies (like me), it hurts. The last time we played, I wanted to kill one of my opponents for hitting me so many times, and it hurt. I understood that speed was needed to knock off the ball and get past the goalies, but still. They could have had better aim and all. At one point I got hit probably right on my sternum and was numb for a while. And, people, the cone wasn't even that tall, so they were way off. I think that when the ball hit me that time, you could hear the hollow thunk. It didn't tickle.

Playing hockey today, though, I didn't get hurt. So, with the goals and that, it was a good game.
 

Song: "Handlebars" by Flobots

Hanna and I spent most of our time today watching random videos on youtube. We were looking at pictures that came from failblog.org and America's Got Talent sort of stuff. It was fun, and we got some laughs in. We also watched the movie "The Orphanage" which was sort of depressing.

Also, my mom came home in a bad mood because of something that happened last night. So we eventually got sat down for a family meeting. What happened was she "laid down the law". She said, basically, that she was kind of under-appreciated. I understand that, and when she gave us more responsibilities, I was sort of fine with it.

You see, I may have a sort of problem with authority, which could be a sort of teenage thing, not to sound ageist. I know that I'm kind of spoiled, too, though. I'm not rich-kid spoiled, but I'm spoiled. I haven't had many chores throughout my short life, so it was probably about time that they came to play.

Mostly we just have to wash dishes, do laundry, keep our rooms clean, do our homework, and clean the litter box. I'm not sure she mentioned anything about dusting or any other cleaning, but that might show up too. We, each, also have to cook at least one day a week. It's basic chores and stuff, so I don't really have a problem with it.

I'm sort of ok with doing those things. I don't really want to be a spoiled brat my whole life. I think I want to be able to do things for myself without feeling lost trying to do them. I don't want to move out and not know how to take care of myself. Plus, maybe it'll help me grow as a person. One could only hope.

5 Things I Need to Work On "As A Person(?)":

1. Becoming an independent thinker
2. Relying on mostly myself/ being able to care for myself
3. Losing my spoiled-ness
4. Being more patient
5. Controlling my anger

I hope that if I get better with my responsibilities, that it becomes more of a habit and that I don't have to dread doing them. Maybe I'll enjoy getting a hold of responsibility and will turn out to be an ok grown up someday. I wish.

I'm sort of anxious to move out and "start my own life". I just hope I'm "good" at it.