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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
I think I've been lying to myself. Actually, I'm pretty sure I have been. But I began to believe the lie at some point, so I didn't realize it. I don't think I can claim ignorance either. I used to think that I was mostly an introvert. Recently, I've found that there is such a thing as an ambivert which is someone who is in the middle of the introvert/extrovert scale. I would guess that most people probably are this way. I probably am myself. The thing is, for a long while I assumed I was strongly on the introvert side. Yet there were some things about me that I couldn't reconcile with that belief. So I ignored them. When I should have known, humans don't fall into black and white categories so easily. My husband would say something to that effect every time a conversation about introvert/extrovert came up. I should have paid more attention. But I think once I decided I was an introvert, it made some things easier. By identifying with a group, I didn't have to feel bad or alone. So, here's the thing: Introverts get their energy from being by themselves. Extroverts get energy from being around others. Being shy and an introvert isn't the same thing. I'm beginning to realize, I'm probably more shy. Saying 'I'm an introvert' gave me an excuse to act on my shyness. It's true, there are times I do renew my energy by being by myself. Usually when I'm walking or exercising in some fashion. The question then becomes is the energy from an exercise high or am I actually gaining it back for being alone? Both? I can get energy back without exercising and being alone, but it takes awhile. But I also get energy from people. I loved being on stage. I love being in audience in a live production. Because there is energy and I love feeling it. Even if I'm only backstage, I still feel it. I've noticed when I'm in a bad mood, but have a good interaction with another person, such as a cashier, my mood lightens. Those things, I would ignore and go on believing I'm strictly an introvert. But recently, something has happened that made me realize it isn't so simple. And it caused me to remember the past and how I reacted back then. I have a group of friends again. Ones that I've been seeing on a regular basis. They energize me. Back in high school and back in college, if you asked me what inspired me to write, it was my friends or at the very least the people I saw all the time. I would imagine fantastical scenarios involving us, and when I finally got down to writing, I would change things, make up other characters, but the inspiration came from my peer group. Yes, other things can inspire me, but they were the top reason. I knew this even firmly entrenched into my introvert belief. But I was still writing about things they inspired, so for awhile it was easy to forget. When I found this website, I pretty much only had my husband for a social outlet. My writing was going well. But you know what? I meet people on this site that I would call friends. I can't say they've been inspiration for characters themselves, but they encouraged me to write. Now most of them are gone and the well has been dry. This new group I've meet, that I travel to Indy just about every weekend to see? They've opened my eyes to the fact that I need people. Once my friends left this area, I kinda had the 'introvert lifestyle' thrust upon me. I folded into myself, thought my prime was over. I thought since so many other writers claimed to be introverts, that I must be one too. So, I acted accordingly. I have to wonder if all the anxiety problems I had were because I wasn't being true to myself. I convinced myself I didn't need anyone except maybe for my husband. I'm still on meds for anxiety and have no intention of stopping them, but it does make me wonder if the whole mess could have been avoided if I hadn't been trying to make excuses for my shyness. I just wish it hadn't take so long to see. I still wouldn't call myself an extrovert, but I can't call myself an introvert either. This ambivert concept is still new to me and I'm still digesting it. Hell, I'm still mulling over the other stuff too. While typing this, I came to a new realization or two. It's funny how you can be lost and not realize it. |
| I spent many years rather cloistered from others. In the last few years, this has changed. In some ways, it was much easier when it was just me and I didn't have to be in midst of other peoples'.... things... issues... drama.... Now, I'm starting to feel more responsible for my hand in things and I can't say I entirely like it. But for the most part, I've been happier. I just find my myself confused this evening.... and I can't really explain why really, except it has to do with people and wondering why they seem to like me... |
| I'm back to working on Sundays for awhile. *blah* And it would be a Sunday we're expecting 5-12 inches of snow. I also think I'm getting sick. I've been coughing since Friday and my husband was sick last week. I'm hoping I can go back to M-F once we hire someone else, but I'm so used to getting disappointed in this job, I kinda expect it at this point. I don't know if I'll return to this site more often because of the schedule change. I'm still modding boards, but I haven't been able to get back to writing. There are times I wonder if I want to, but then I ask myself, then what else will I do? I'm certain once I get in the habit again, the desire to do it more often will come back. I'm still getting ideas for stories, they just aren't going anywhere beyond an idea at the moment. Even if I get back to writing, I'm not sure if I still want to do the kind of reviewing I was doing when I first started coming to this site. I think I will always need some one to critique my work, but I don't know if the week by week chapter review of the workshop forums is what I need anymore. It'll be better than nothing certainly. Then all the friends I made on this site either stopped coming here as well or just became distant. But as I'm not writing, it's a moot point at the moment. We shall see what we shall see. |
| I just came up with a rather good simile in my humble opinion. So, that's enough writing for tonight, right? *sigh* So hard to get back into it again... |
| If there is anyone left who reads this, you may know that I have previously stated that I hate Sundays. The reason for this was because Sunday was the beginning of my work week and I had to be in six hours earlier than my M-Th shifts. About a month ago, they finally let me come in at 2 on Sundays. About a year after we hired someone else to work Sundays with me. Then the co-worker I've worked with the longest left last month. They will not give us his position back. So they needed someone to cover Friday nights. Since I'm the most senior of the staff right now, I was asked. So I accepted and starting next week I will be working M-F. Yay! Today though, I had to come in at 9:30 because the other Sunday guy took a vacation day. But I can deal as this will be my last Sunday. Although, I am so very tired right now and I have something like six hours left in the work day. My husband will soon have weekends off as well. That's all I have now. My brain is shutting down because of the whole tired thing. |
| My dad returned home today. He's doing really well. I also got my last wisdom tooth pulled in the meantime and the drugs I have to take are messing with me I think. But those should be done around Friday. A new girl started work this week. My husband is doing jury duty this week. I have a bunch of vacation coming up in August. My friend is coming back for a visit next week. Somehow, I got chosen to help throw a party for her next Saturday. Should be fun. Also, a few months ago, I started watching Doctor Who and have been geeking out on it since. And I'm exhausted. But hopeful. |
when you can't remember how to spell one of your character's name.  |
| ... or I'm doing a manic swing right now... ... not that I've been diagnosed with bi-polar, but I have to wonder if I have the less mood swingy type... ... but I'm feeling good and shall ride this wave... ...it could also be the exercise... ...damn health science and it being right... |
| I have come to the realization that I may have nothing else to do but write a query letter and actually send it out. Obviously, while I wait to hear responses, I will need to work on some other writing. This is a scary thought, and even now, I'm wondering if I should finish another novel and send it out because it may get a better response. Is it possible all this dilly dallying around was to avoid the query letter? I maybe far more complicated than I ever realized. |
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