I have one year of sobriety today!

 

Hey Pool,

This is a letter that will not be sent. I just wanted to talk to you. I’d never tell you that though. I pretend that I don’t care because you hurt me. You hurt me so bad when you pushed me away. You’ve been gone since October 14th. It’s the 27th today. It’s been 13 days since you’ve been locked up. You’ve got 20 months to go. You left me several months before though. You pushed me away. You said because it was going to hurt to bad to leave and so you were staying distant. It got rough for me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I kept asking why. Why … how… could you do me like that? Maybe you did do me a favor because I was pretty pissed when you left for Colorado to turn yourself in to the prison camp. I was glad that you were gone for the first week. Now I won’t see you at meetings. I won’t be tortured with the thought of you and another, because all you’ve got staring at you now are bars and guards. I miss you. I missed you even more when you were still here.

I burnt my fifth step today. Almost caught the house on fire while doing so. You were all over those pages. I watched as they went up in smoke and I told myself that the past was gone. The mistakes I made. The fears I had. The jealousy. The not understanding why… I watched as it all went up in smoke. I told myself you were gone now. Then as I put on my face and curled my hair for work, the memories overtook me. I got mad again. Then I got sad. Then I understood somewhat why you did me like that, but in the next moment I was pissed again. What’s wrong with me? How could you turn your back on me so easily? Then I remembered that I deserved it. What did I expect from a man that I knew was going to do hard time. I knew you were brand new sober. I knew you were mixed up. I started out with your best interest in mind. I really did, but somewhere in the mix… I got myself all wrapped up in it. I got my ego hurt. You rejected me. I still don’t know if it’s because you didn’t want to hurt me, like you said. Of if it’s because you just didn’t want me. I guess I don’t have closure and your memory still haunts me.

I want to tell you what’s going on in my life but I still haven’t heard back from you. I sent you a letter last Tuesday. I’ve checked the mail everyday since. There’s nothing from you yet. I keep trying to ‘figure out’ if your going to write me. Why wouldn’t you? Hell it’s not like you have anything better to do. But there’s a chance that you just don’t want anything to do with me. I guess time will tell.

You remember Paige? I know you know her because she gave you her phone number as I watched inconspicuously from a few yards away. I’m not sure if you ever called her but she died. She overdosed on Sonoma’s and she’s gone. She was the last one I thought would get taken out by this disease we are bonded by. She swore she didn’t have it. She was different. Unique. Now she’s gone, it shocked the hell out me. This disease never ceases to dumbfound me. She’s looks beautiful in her obituary picture. Prettier than I remember her being. She raised so much hell up at the rehab. We were all glad to see her leave when her time came to cradle out. I wish I would have known. I never saw it coming.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/gosanangelo/obituary.aspx?n=paige-renay-co...

My bosses husband passed away to. His funeral was today. God bless her.

Pool, You’re sponsor keeps hitting on me. It makes me sick to my stomach. He’s asked me out to dinner a few times. I’ve declined as I have no time for dinner with school, work, mom, sobriety, God and working with other women in recovery. In fact, I named off all my priorities to him and Terry day before yesterday and told both guys point blank that I wasn’t dating and if I did, they’d be lucky to make priority #8 on the list. I think your sponsor got the point as I haven’t got any text messages from him since that conversation. Previously he texted me at least twice a day. I guess you didn’t tell him about me and our night spent together. No, I’m sure you didn’t. I guess I didn’t mean enough for you to talk to him about. Maybe you did it to protect me.

When you left for Colorado, Chad stopped courting me as well. Even Rick backed off quite a bit. It’s weird how when you left they seemed to too. Rick is still my friend and always will be, but there’s nothing more there. Chad just wasn’t it for me. I tried to like him. He’s good looking, seems to be the top pick out of all you guys, but things aren’t always what they appear to be. I’m just not digging him. I used him to make you jealous. I don’t know if it ever worked out for me. You show such little emotion, but I know you have emotions. I’ve seen you cry before. I’ve seen you laugh. You use to text me every day all day. Call me often, then like a light switch, you turned it off. I struggled to. I kept trying to back off, leave you alone. I knew you were leaving someday and I knew it was going to hurt. I’d push you away, then pull you back. You weren’t giving me what I wanted. You had nothing to give. Maybe you just used me for sex. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I love you. All the time, you’re on my mind. I wish it would go away. It has lightened up a lot since you are out of my sight. I wonder if I’ll get a letter from you tomorrow. All these questions and no answers. You left me dangling. You walked away and discarded me. I hate you for the way you did me. Then again, you might have saved me a lot of hurt, but still it hurts not knowing why.

I don’t know if I’m in love with you or if I’m obsessed with you. I’m writing an essay on love versus obsession in my English class. I chose that topic because I’m looking for answers. I’m looking for a solution. I want closure. I know time will help me to forget. When you get out of that cage in a year or longer, chances are I will have forgotten all about you by then. I hope so.

You’ve been heavy on my mind today. I just can’t seem to let go. I try and try… and I fail time and again. Guess what? I’m writing my final research paper on the Success of Alcoholics Anonymous and I’m interviewing HAL for my paper. He has agreed to it. I bought a little hand held tape recorder so I can keep this forever. Hal is a legend to me. His 44 years of sobriety and the magic he brings to this program will forever stay with me, long after this assignment is created and forgotten.

I got so jealous because I thought your last trip to the rehab meeting was to give Crystal your address in prison. My magnifying mind just drove me to insanity. Last week, I slyly questioned her about you. To my surprise, no ‘keeping in touch’ arrangements were ever made between you two. Why am I so fucking jealous over you? I had visions of you two hooking up after two years of letter writing. It ate me up. She didn’t know why I was asking. I’m good at playing shit off … even to you. You have NO idea that I feel like I do for you. I’ve never prayed for someone so much in my life as I have for you. I just had a flash back of when I told you I care to much and you never responded. You said nothing! Not kiss my ass… or get over it… or cool… nothing!

I hate you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwuLKXzipa0
 

The sunlight illuminates the lawn in Mama’s backyard. The different shades of green clothe the soil of the treasure filled fifty by hundred foot landscape. I hearken to the faint sound of a lawnmower at a distance and the whistling sound of passing cars. These obscure sounds being the only evidence of life outside the six foot brown picket fence that encloses me. Three enormous fruitless mulberries submit to the powers of the wind. Their leaves fall around me like rain. Specks of brown, lifeless remains scattered purposelessly about the green carpet of grass. I watch a butterfly as it dances with the air, beautiful orange wings traced with an array of blacks and browns. I’m spellbound by the beauty and wonder of nature. The sun feels good to my face, warming my skin from the cold mornings breath. Birds of all shapes and sizes find refuge in mama’s backyard. Since the season change, many have traveled onward to find shelter from the cold weather that the season has birthed. I suspect that to be the reason that Jesse has now left me.

I kneel down next to a small pond of fish fashioned from an old abandoned bathtub that Mama found. As a result of the breeze, a dandelion next to the water waves up at me. Childhood memories cloud my already cluttered mind. I knew the dandelion as wishing flowers back then. Childlike hopes and dreams engulf my awareness. Hopes and dreams I had with Jesse soon take precedence. I pluck the feathery white flower by its’ stem and whisper, “God, help me to let go” as I breathe deep within myself then scattering the whisky flower into a shower of bristly pieces on the ponds surface. I gaze toward the blue clouded sky. A faded rustic windmill catches my eye. A windmill that Mama constructed out of scraps she found. Nine metal blades chase each other swirling around rapidly with the wind. I feel the wind fan my hair. I can’t see the wind, but I know it exists because I can feel it. Just as I can’t see my Creator, but I know He exists because I can feel Him. Just as I don’t understand why I love Jesse, but I know that loves exists because I feel it.


A large white goldfish, over a foot in length, meets me at the surface of the ponds water. He slurps loudly at the floating pieces of flower mistaking it for food. His slurps sound like he’s blowing kisses to me. My watery eyes cross over Mama’s yucca plant, bearded irises and a small ceramic angel that borders the waters edge. The angels hands are folded. Beneath her an engraved stone reads, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.~ Ecclesiastes” I rise to my feet and dry the water droplets from my eyes. Turning toward the east, I walk along the twelve foot stretch of firebush that covers the open carport leading away from the only entrance into the haven of Mama’s backyard. I think back to the spring when this very firebush produced perfect red berries. In the change of a season, those red berries have now turned yellow. From the color of passion to the tone of fear. Just like Jesse’s colors turned on me.

At the end of the firebush trail sits what was in the spring a large assortment of wildflowers, vibrant, full of luminosity, overflowing with life. Now they are withered, wilted and weak. The seasons change has caused the same flowers that smiled so beautifully yesterday to be dying today. To the west of the wildflowers sits a large cannas plant mixed with lantana yellow flowers and purple morning glories that climb an old rusted clothes line pole. Again, my mind travels back in time to the spring. When a wounded bird sought shelter under this mixture of greenery. I watched powerlessly day after day as this small life struggled to live. Another bird brought it food and water and chirped and tweeted boisterously when danger was near. Even nose-dived O’ Stray Gray anytime the cat got near the area where the broken bird hid. My heart went out to my new disabled friend. I hoped for, prayed for, yearned for, wept over and set my heart on another chance at life for this troubled creature. One day I looked for my fallen friend and could not find him. He was gone, disappeared, never to be seen again. I’ll never know if that bird lived or died. “Which is worse? Knowing, even if it brings sorrow or being left with the hovering question of what happened?” Memories of Jesse stand before me. His sincere but pain soaked eyes pierce my soul. “I can’t drag you through this. I have to travel this road alone”, then he turns his back on my love and disappears.

I cry out to God. “Why?” I question between my sobs. “Was it all for nothing? No purpose? No rhyme or reason? A waste of time and energy, only to be left behind and forgotten?” Just as that bird struggled for life, I begin struggling for peace of mind. I turn to the north and see the greenhouse that Daddy built for Mama just before he died. A gardeners workshop, a place to plant seeds and cultivate the soil. A place to promote the development of a gardeners creations. A place to prune and produce growth.

The large eight by twelve foot building packed to the brim with gardening tools. Rakes and shovels of every size, fertilizer, bags of soil, hedge clippers, weed and bug killer, to name only a few. A tool for every purpose under the heaven. I stand mesmerized as I experience an epiphany of sorts. Maybe God’s toolbox is a lot like Mama’s greenhouse. Maybe I’m one of God’s tools. Just maybe Jesse is too. We may never know the reason why it had to be that way, but we know the One Who Knows. We let go and let God. We trust that nothing is wasted in God’s world. Not even old bathtubs or rusted clothes line poles. To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~ Ecclesiastes.

I spend a lot of time looking for answers in Mama’s backyard. I always find them. Mother Nature is the greatest teacher of all.





 

I feel an emotional vomiting coming forth…

The last few meetings that I have chaired, I’ve picked emotional sobriety as the topic. I’ve gotten a lot out of hearing what the others have to say. Yesterday, I made three meetings. Two with the topic of emotional sobriety, the third being a speaker from Brownwood, Texas that rocked the house. He was awesome.

Rick went with me. I picked him up and we trudged the road to sobriety together most of yesterday. Rick is a friend of mine, at one time was a client. Spent about six months in jail. I wrote to him twice a week. We built a bond of sorts and since his release, we’ve broadened that bonding of friendship. Friendship only, yes. I talked to him about Pool yesterday. I haven’t openly talked about how I feel towards Pool with anyone but my sponsor and mother. Rick didn’t know Pool, but met him at last nights speaker meeting after I told Rick his name. I mean, how many Pool’s can there be around? Yea, Rick looked at me and winked as Pool read “How it Works” from the podium. So that’s the magic man with the magic hands… Don’t know, can’t tell ya why but I fell hard for this dude. I’ve begged God to make it go away more times than I can count. It gets better. It gets easier. When I get tired, I don’t do well. I was damn exhausted yesterday and I lost it. Today, I almost lost it again as I cooked lunch here at work and recalled that Pool use to text me during lunch time most days. I expressed how much I care for him and he ceased most contact with me. Pool shows little or no interest in me. He appreciates me as much as he can. He see’s me as a friend. I see him as something more. The feeling is not mutual, for whatever reason! He hasn’t told me, he avoids any kind of seriousness. Pool’s looking at 56 months in the penitentiary. Which by the way… is a MIRACLE as he was looking at 10 to 20 years. Regardless of how he feels towards me or even how he treats me and damn it, I don’t like it! The way I feel for him has not changed. Maybe its my sickness. Maybe it’s love. I have no idea. I really want it to go away, though the intensity has lessened quite a bit, it’s still within me.

I saw him Friday at a meeting. My expectations overrode my acceptance. I guess I thought he would run to me and tell me how much he had missed me but that he just couldn’t put out much effort right now because of all that he was facing. I guess I felt he owed me something because I have never in my whole life prayed for someone like I prayed for his court date. Reality is… he barely acknowledged me. In fact, I saw a girl pass him a note, he pass her cigarettes and he spoke with her more about what was going on with him then he did me. My heart broke. My stomach still turns now when I remember it. My GOD… I wore my knees out over him. I cried out to God, I begged God to set him free. I even offered God to take my name off His Book of Life if he would set Pool free. I completely drained myself of any and all that I had in me. When I heard that Pool got 56 months, that he will most likely serve 14 months and be released. I was amazed. God came through! There’s no other way to see it. My prayers were heard. Everyone’s prayers were heard, but most assuredly God’s Will had been done. Prayers only prayed within God’s Will are answered. God’s Will is the safest place in the world to be. Is it God’s Will I feel the way I feel?? I’ve begged him to TAKE IT AWAY. From the very very beginning. I can look back on the blog entries of when I first laid eyes on Pool back in April. I was praying back then for God to take it away. I don’t know… I have a feelings disease. My feelings aren’t always right. I’m so confused about all of this, but I know one damn thing. I’ve got to take care of me. Just like we’ve always heard, if you love something… let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. So I’m trying real hard to let go. It’s not so hard, only tough moments, but I’ve got a lot going for me, wonderful friends and if I stay sober, I know I can make it through anything. I’m not so sure that it’s love I feel for Pool, I mean I know love for mankind, but I’m not so sure about the love for a lover. I just don’t know, but I do know it’s strong. It’s not leaving and I’ve learned how to be selfless in this relationship. I’ve learned great lessons. They will come together in time. Time will tell. That’s my solution. Let Go… and time.


It's what I said it would be entries ago... a heartache.

 

I woke up this morning before my alarm sounded. Recently, I purchased a mattress foam topper thing. The politically correct term is not coming to me at this point. So… I woke up feeling quite comfy and have noticed I lay in a bed a few moments and gather my morning thoughts, here of late. This morning my thoughts were about my sponsor Kathy. And maybe one or two little baby resentments. I imagine since I spent a little time with her on the phone just right before bedtime last night. And maybe cause she sounds like a broken damn record regarding a certain issue that I’m having a tough time with. Also the FEAR of math came storming through my brain. I did one and ½ of my homework assignments in Math yesterday and found myself dumbfounded when it came to “Factoring distributive law”, then checking by multiplying. When I get dumbfounded, I get pissed. Quite honestly, every time I feel any emotion that’s not very comfortable, anger usually surfaces. I get flustered. I start tripping over myself and things get worse. Well, I’ve managed to recognize the surfacing anger as it to be, a cover up of me feeling quite uh… stupid. I’ve learned to step back and take a break when I get into that state of irritableness. And so that’s what I did. I asked myself, what’s the solution? Get with teach, tomorrow. And so I emotionally binged on a bowl of strawberry corn flakes and crashed out to the sound of Joyce Meyer telling me to trust God through my PC speakers.

After arising this morning, I felt that old fierce determination to win swell up in my ‘most times’ oversized head. I read my morning meditations, bathed and off to Math Class. Only after texting 10 of my friends and asking for some prayer over my math class. I wrote the text as a funny and yeah at my expense but when I contemplated it later, I reckoned that I was quite serious and well… I think it worked. I was a bit ahead of my other classmates since I registered onto the online math lab through my home PC yesterday. So as everyone else figured out how to get to where I was, I again sat there spitting, fitting and flustering over that damn backwards ass distributive law of Algebra. FACTORING. It’s really quite simple, if you know how to do it. Problem is I didn’t know. SO teach came over to me and explained it about five times. I think I got it on her last explanation. I only think this because I finally got a question on the homework correct without her having to do it for me. SO YEAH, I left Math class with a little skip in my step and headed over to the fitness center to do my daily thirty minute walk around the inside track.

Back home to eat a meal that Mom prepared for us. Yep, I admit it. Mom cooks most of the time. Ok, so I’ll do a further confession and tell ya…. MOM does my laundry sometimes too! It embarrasses me somewhat cause you know I’m not use to it, but it is rather nice and I do appreciate mom. She’s not working now, so she is really into the domestic thing. This is good because she prepares healthy meals for us and that has been a benefactor is my weight loss of late! So yeah, Go MOM! Lets hear it for MOM! I on the other hand, have sort of fallen back from the domestic thing. Though I do iron quite often. Only cause I’m so damn vain and don’t need no wrinkles crinkling my style! If you get my drift.

I then worked on my first assignment in English Class. Wrote my first little essay explaining who I am, Where I’ve been with English and writing in the past, and what I expect to learn from this class. Easy enough! I then hooked up my printer to Laptop and printed out my first assignment from online course: Pharmacology of Addiction. Lawd! I felt that same irritable, trippy, aggravated, flustered emotion coming on. Six days to do quite a huge assignment. But I came to my senses, It’s very possible and hell that’s one of my fun classes anyway. It’s what I WANT to know about… so hell yeah, bring it on online teach!

I then finished two chapters of my class, Basic Counseling” , Man I see where I’ve screwed up already! Working as a counselor assistant at TP, I have quite a bit of hands on experience with these types of settings but you know, I see where I damn sure have lacked skill. It was a very interesting two chapters and that instructor is awesome. I love him and his class… gonna eat it up.

Oh! I shant forget. As I sat in the backyard with my BC book, glass of ice water, smokes and eyeglasses. Lost in the world of counseling, A bird POOPED on my shoulder. Sure enough, let it rip right there… scared me, thought I’d been shot or a rock hit me, then I saw and felt the warmth of the little birdies present… and laughed my ass off.

Well that’s where I am today…

Going to work at 5 tonight… it’s Friday!

Woot!


A song about recovery:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_0UcQcwGGk
 

Hola!

Long time no hear from, yes I know.

How the hell you been?

I’ve been doing really good. Lots of good changes going on in my life. Today I felt it necessary to upgrade my acct here least I lose all my old blog entries. I may find great value in those entries someday since they are the early days of my recovery. I can only imagine the little remembrances and lessons I will find there when I take the time to review them.

So what’s been going on?

Today was my first day of school. I attended my Math class this morning. Was a wee bit intimidated as I walked into a classroom for the first time in at least 8 years, but hell even then I was blown out my mind or else sleep walking through the class. So, this is like a huge FIRST for me. I’ve experienced lots of ‘firsts’ in the last 10 months. Oh yea, did you know I’ve been clean and sober for 10 months now. Yes… no shit. No chemical that changes the way I feel put into my body in 10 whole months. No pill, no pot, no booze, nothing! Well, minus that ‘man’ but I’ll skip that story for the moment. In fact, He’s the only thing that’s not ok in my life right now, but another time and another day.

This semester I’m taking four classes: Pharmacology of Addiction, Basic Counseling, Intro to Algebra (don’t go there) and English. When I tested, I failed the math and so I’m starting at the bottom but you know, this is good. I met the teacher today. She’s so cute and good at what she does. Before you know it, I’ll be a Math Monster! Will be my favorite pass time. Pfffttt…. ( speaking that which is not, as if it were).

Meow is kind of sick lately, every time she eats, she pukes, other than that she doesn’t act sick or act as if she feels bad. I was going to take her to the vet this morning but ran out of time and she hasn’t puked thus far. Pukie is her new name. I’m afraid it’s allergies. She’s been suffering from allergies a lot since we moved over to mom’s house.

Mom is doing well. She and I are working out together. This morning we went to the gym and almost everyone there had at least forty years on me. Mom was getting scoped out big time, I whispered to her: You’re the best looking woman here, all eyes are on ya’ …They were! Note to self: Monday morning may be senior hour at the fitness center.

I have lost about thirty pounds since Mike died. It’s a combination of: living with mom who goes to weight watchers and so at the house we eat healthy and I’ve become much more active, gotten over my sobriety slump that usually happens to everyone first months sober. So I’m back to my normal weight where I feel ok with myself, I have a goal of twenty pounds now. After I reach that, I’ll make another goal of twenty pounds and then be at the weight the health nutts say I should be. Might not look right on me cause I’m so big boned anyway, but we will see.

Work is going good. Been there 8 months now, finally feel like I know what I’m doing a little bit. Boss lady is working with me and my classes. So I’ll be working full time and going to school full time. Kathy is still my sponsor. I’m currently beginning another Step 4 and looking forward to getting to the spiritual awakening at the end of this round of steps. I don’t attend the 5:30 meetings as much since I’m working at that time but I do make some nooners and my candle light meeting on Saturday night has now become MINE. Myself and a fellow named Brian, usually switch out on chairing and we have a good time. DAMN that reminds me! I need to get him a card and some kisses! It’s his ONE YEAR Sobriety birthday TOMORROW. Ok, I gotta run. This is an update, but I have every intention of keeping a journal here on WDC once again. These are good times and I need to write them down.

Not sure who all is still around here but looking forward to finding out soon.

Love me!

New favorite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtJ0dHK5WHQ

wouldn't be me if i didn't leave my youtube links up on here!
 

I’m going to try again to write about my experience at the Joyce Meyer conference this last weekend. The first night there, I was so emotional. I saw Joyce standing in the back of the stage worshipping as Delirious jammed and the memories came rushing back of the first time I saw her, as I sat alone, with my pot tray and Colorado Bulldog in the small apartment that Tommy and I shared. That question kept echoing through my mind, How does someone get to where I was to where I am now? I just kept thanking God, over and over, as tears rained and my mascara burned my eyes. My feeling of gratitude was so powerful that it took my breath away.

JJ was with us. He really liked Delirious. He thought Joyce was funny. She told a story about losing her fingernail and after attempting to glue it back on, she glued her fingers together. JJ was rolling. We all were. She made us laugh and cry in the same breath. We were so exhausted from the drive. I was on the verge of emotional crazies cause you know what… but it was a time that was well worth it.

That night at the hotel, I talked to JJ about Jesus. I don’t want to come across as a holy roller or put fear in him about God cause that sort of thing doesn’t work. It didn’t work for me at all. So I just asked if he has ever said the salvation prayer. He rolled his eyes and said no. I asked if he understood what Joyce was talking about. He said yes, but that he didn’t care. JJ is 14 years old. Will be 15 in September. He’s just a kid and like myself, he is not being raised in a God fearing household. In fact, quite the opposite. As both his parents are addicts, including my brother. JJ further told me that my brother (his dad) won’t talk to him about religion because he wants JJ to make up his own mind and choose his own path to go. Last I know, my brother is an atheist. Well, I’m glad my brother isn’t pushing his atheist beliefs off on my nephew BUT I don’t agree. I wish all parents would teach their children about loving Jesus just as naturally as they would brushing their teeth.

The next day JJ came to me and said, “I just don’t understand. God is suppose to love us unconditionally. He’s suppose to be all loving, forgiving and this great guy, but yet if we don’t acknowledge his son, then we burn.” When JJ said that, it brought back memories for me. I have wondered that myself many years ago. When I didn’t understand who Jesus was or why he did what he did. I just told JJ to keep asking his questions and that God will answer them. Blind faith is not what he asks for but if you seek the answers to your questions, he will answer. I’m not going to get on a pulpit in front of my kid nephew, because I had others do that to me and I just thought they were fucking nutts. I remember rolling my eyes at my husband when he talked about his faith right before we were married. Told him that God was a crutch and people needed to get into reality. And it took many years after that before I came to believe but it was exactly the time it was suppose to be. I’ve been praying over JJ for many years now. I have been confessing the Word over his life and I know without a doubt that JJ will in his own time become a believer.

Joyce said during the conference, “Preach at all times and if necessary use words.” She said a lot of awesome stuff. It was so overwhelming that I was just like a kid mesmerized by this magical thing. Though JJ told me that he wasn’t digging the conference, he sat there and listened to every word that came out of her mouth. He’s a smart kid. Very intelligent. Man, that boy impresses me. He’s got a good head on his shoulders and this conference is going to be something that he remembers for the rest of his life, rather he knows it now or not. It was by fate that he ended up going with us. Mom and I had this planned for several months. We just got JJ planned to come visit a few weeks ago. So yeah, it was meant to be.

I bought a new bible while at the conference. Also bought a recording of the conference, will be here in 3 weeks. Got me a T-shirt! So I can say I been there and done that! During the break on Friday, we went to the River walk and Alamo. We had dinner at Casa Rio on the River walk. JJ and I swam at the hotel pool while grandma slept in the room. We had a good time. I was so exhausted when we got back Saturday night.

It is such a gift to get to see Joyce in person. I swear she waved at me! Hahaha… ok, so me about a thousand others. She is truly a disciple of Christ. I thank God for her.
 

I went to the Joyce Meyer conference in San Antonio on July 9th, 10th and 11th. It was really an awesome experience. I remember the first day I saw Joyce on television. I was sitting on the sofa in an apartment east of town that my ex husband and I lived together in. He was at work. It was almost noon. I was smoking a joint while I got one rolled for him during his lunch break. I was hung over from drinking hard the night before. I was loaded with much guilt and shame. To the point that I couldn’t let my husband see me without my clothes for fear that he would see those other men all over me. It had started with his co-worker. One that I thought I loved. I now know I was just a mixed up kid and that was far from love. I was so lost. Ashamed. Confused. Then it escalated to every time I went out without my husband, I found a man somewhere and did it all over again. I had dug my own grave of shame and remorse and knew not how to get myself out of it. I had opened up the bible a few times in search of forgiveness. I read the passage that states something like, “an adulterous woman will surely die”. I had not the Holy Spirit in me, I couldn’t understand it. I reckoned that if there was a God, he wasn’t real fond of me. I hoped that there wasn’t one. I had no reason to live, no reason to die. Couldn’t even find death as a solution cause IF God was real, I was going to burn. So I kept doing what I knew to do. I stayed in oblivion through drink and drugs.

On this particular day, I was flipping through the TV channels. I remember watching a music video on MTV of Whitney Houston, this one : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0koz3_n30xA. Shows the time frame of when this happened, also reminds me of how bad I felt on the inside. This song being one that sent another gush of guilt through my already shame drenched spirit. I flipped across this woman. Her voice loud and sounded like a man’s to me. As I flipped across her, she said, “Jesus loves you and wants to forgive you” in this powerful voice. I flipped back to her, sat there and listened as I finished my joint. In a few minutes I sized her up as a flake and tried to flip the channel again. It didn’t flip. I beat the remote against my palm and tried again. Still it wouldn’t flip. The red light on remote was lit proving the battery was not dead but the channel would not change. So I watched her and thus started the tug of war between God and I. I became a faithful watcher of her program but did not come to believe in God until close to two years after. I did, however, begin a wrestling match with Him. One that he eventually won. Not by force or fire but by his gentle, loving, patient nature. I prayed the salvation prayer with Joyce through my television set and I asked God to forgive me for the choices I had made. It wasn’t to long after that I confessed to my husband. Though he tried to forgive me and we stayed together another year after I told him. I just couldn’t stay sober and if I couldn’t stay sober, I couldn’t stay faithful to him because I did some crazy ass shit when I got drunk. A real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I couldn’t stay sober because I have the disease of alcoholism. I thought that God would deliver me. Like he would strike me perfect and I treated him like he was Santa Clause and made my long wish lists for him. When he failed to give me everything I asked for, then I turned my back on him. Thinking I had found faith wanting. Though I believed in God I soon came to think that God just didn’t believe in me. Though I was a believer from that day on… I wasn’t a very good follower. I’ve often said that Joyce introduced me to Christ who saved my soul and Christ introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous who taught me how to join forces with Christ and save my sorry ass. Joyce taught me who Christ is. She told me why he hung on the cross. I had no idea until I started watching her. I wasn’t raised in a religious home. In fact, I don’t recall anyone ever telling me who Jesus is until I flipped across Joyce that day, almost ten years ago.

At the beginning of the conference Thursday night, when Delirious was playing. The tears just came gushing from my eyes. I held my hands up to heaven and just sobbed. How does someone get from where I was to where I am now?

Only by the Power of God.








I’m to emotional, can’t write right now.
 

Much is going on in the drama of life. Some good… some not so good. Some of it…neither good or bad, just is.

Good News:

I got a Grant for school!!!! Very good news there. Beginning August 24th, I will be enrolled as a full time student. I have to maintain full time status in order to collect all that I’ve been awarded. So that means, Job gets pushed down to 2nd priority. Which is ok with me. I’m so ready to get educated. It’s such a blessing. I can’t even describe my gratitude. I can say that all that time spent unemployed last year has worked out for my best interest. That time spent feeling like I had been forgotten turned out to be a blessing. It’s TRUE. All things work together for the GOOD of those that love God and are called according to His purpose. It’s been proved in my life over and over again. That stretch of unemployment made me eligible for financial help as I have NOT been eligible for the last EIGHT years and almost didn’t apply this year either. Had it not been for the urging of my current sponsor to try again, I would not have. It’s amazing.

It’s on!

Not so good news:

So… Fathers Day has just passed. Did I call my daddy-o? uh no… and I’ll tell you why. We’re all a bit pissed at him. I really am not because I don’t care enough to be pissed but still sucks that he hurt my brothers feelings. I feel bad for my brother but it’s something I learned the hard and hurtful way and something big brother had to too. I guess. So dad and J. haven’t spoke in 13 years. In fact, J. at one time swore that he wouldn’t ever see his dad again until the day we put him in the ground. Over the years, J. had decided that it was time to forgive. That maybe, just maybe… oh dad had changed. J. was in dads area for business, decided to call him up and make a plan to meet with him and have dinner, to catch up on the last 13 years. Dad agreed, plans were made. The day OF the scheduled meet, dad calls and says his wife fell and broke her hip. He would not be available. J. had rented a car and was 100 miles into their planned meeting place. We all felt bad. Poor Linda. Oh my dad had to spend the entire day at the ER. Bless their hearts. Lets send flowers and a card! My mother calls Linda to see how she is, give her a little sympathy. Yep, you guessed it. Linda had no clue what we were talking about. She had not fallen. She had not broken anything. It was all a fabricated story by dear dad. I had scheduled to go to Ft worth the following weekend and pick up the quilts, pictures and family stuff he had emailed me about. I did cancel that trip. Though I was nice about it and just explained that the timing was not right.

Good News:

I’m going to a Joyce Meyer conference July 9th, 10th, 11th in San Antonio, Texas!

Not so good News:

My Uncle called my mother this morning and he was crying. He said he needed to talk to her, tell her something. He is leaving Amarillo now and headed this way. It will put him here about 6pm tonight. I’ll be at work. Thank Goodness! He says everyone is OK, he just needs to talk to his sister about something.

Good News:

I got glasses! I can see. They are so cute too. Prada’s, made in Italy. They make me look really smart.

Not so good News:

I took a discharged girl client to an AA meeting the other day and there’s been some repercussions from it. It’s tough for me ya’ll. I’m a member of AA and when someone calls me asking for a ride to a meeting, it’s just almost impossible for me to tell them NO because they were in a treatment center that I work out. It’s a tough spot for me. I’ve got some inner conflict going on about this situation but I’ll tell ya… I was looking for a job when I found that one. If push comes to shove, I’ll bail. That’s how I feel right this moment. If I forget I am an alcoholic than they may as well forget about me being a good employee, because without the program I live, I WOULD not be. First and foremost, I am an alcoholic and I am responsible when anyone reaches out for the hand of AA.

Good News:

JJ is coming to stay with us for the SUMMER! He will be here July 5th.

Not so good news:

I’m a little hung up on Mr. Pool Party. I find myself making him some kind of Higher Power in my thoughts. I like him a lot but there has been no advances made from other side. Just the beginning of a friendship. He text me often. Called once yesterday. He’s a great guy. I like him a lot but I feel that my feelings about him are not quite healthy and so I’m backing off as much as I can. I got to get right inside me or else I’ll screw everything up. There’s only one HP for me and he’s not it. REMEMBER That JEN!

And so I’ll be moving along now… time to prepare for the Compass test which will determine if I start out with intermediate math classes or not. I’m going to study hard and pray even harder, hope that I don’t have to enroll in anymore math classes than absolutely possible.

Here’s an oldie, that speaks my fears:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oY0dVF9LoZw

 

I’m gleaming tonight.

It’s been a wonderful day.

I’ve been wrestling with myself for some time now about giving Pool my contact number. I’ve seen him around the AA community often since his departure from treatment. I consulted much council. Within myself, My God and even those around me. I asked God. I pleaded with God that the desire to know him be removed if it’s His Will.

It didn’t go anywhere. Not yet...

I tried to force myself to stop thinking about him. Instead of the previous smiling for no apparent reason. I’d slap myself upside the head for no apparent reason. Stop it!

It didn’t work. Not yet...

I tried to imagine him in five years from now. A fat, old, bald man, fresh out of prison with a prison mentality. Broke, busted and disgusted with life. I tried to get mad at him, thinking up reasons to not like him.

All to no avail. So far...

I asked my Mom, what would she do? Mom, again said that she wouldn’t let him go without telling him how she felt. I blew Mom off as a sappy old fashioned woman living in a fantasy world. I chose to go with my sponsors suggestion. Why sabotage yourself? Why take the time and effort in getting to know him all the while knowing that he’s going to have to leave. She suggested I multiply how I feel about him now(as someone I really don't even know) by a million or two (after getting to know him) and then divide that with the imagery of him being handcuffed and taken away from me for the next 5 to 7 years. I felt my heart divide with her words and it worked.

For a minute or two

Until I saw him again. He gave me a side to side hug as I know to be his way of showing respect for the position I hold at the rehab. Very respectful, he is. Not once has he offered to me superficial flattery as many of those that have come before him. He’s like the most amazing man I’ve ever met in my life. I know he’s not perfect. I see his faults but I love them. He’s such a little piggy! Oh my gosh he can chow down. Anyone else it would disgust me but he’s adorable. He had paint on his chin tonight. I kept zooming in on it. Trying to figure out if it was like left over shaving cream. Or maybe gone astray toothpaste. Finally, I saw the paint on his elbow and I knew. His chin made that speck of paint the most interesting speck of paint I’ve ever seen.

Oh this is damn silly.

I may be in love. It may just be a friendship. It may be nothing at all, but I know that it feels great.

I talked to a girl I work with about how I’m feeling. Her advice was the same as my mothers. She told me that maybe years ago she would have told me to save face, hold fast to my code of ethics, take the path of least resistance. But not now… not after she was left with lifelong regrets from an experience such as this. Wondering… What if?

Last night he gave me his sideway hug. Told me a little about what’s going on in his world. I hand him some property that was in the office that belonged to him. I wrote my numbers down. I had that piece of paper clenched in my hand. I attempted to hand it over twice and then backtracked. He was about to walk out the door. I turned to walk the opposite direction. I was going to throw that paper clenched in my hand to the trash… when suddenly… I flipped a bitch and called out his name. He came back through the door. I handed it to him and told him I’d like for him to call me sometime.

Today at 10 am… I got a call. He asked me to go out and dine with him at a steakhouse just two blocks from my house. You bet I did. Our conversation was like that of two long lost friends. It’s like I feel this butterfly, magical feeling when he’s gone and I’m thinking about him. But when he’s with me, it’s like I’m speaking to someone I’ve known all my life. Someone that knows everything about me and I can just be who I am, no holding back.

It’s silly.

He texted me several times today. Then showed up at my home group meeting. I introduced him to my mother. Again, he asked me to go out to eat. He asked my mother to go too! She declined. I didn’t. I’d follow him just about anywhere. He’s not once made a pass on me. Well, you know … he has told me before that he wouldn’t put any woman through what he is about to go through. My sponsor told me that if he did make attempts to be with me that it would be totally selfish on his part. I can see how that could be. And he’s not.

He has no idea how WEIRD I feel about him. He knows I like him. I gave him my numbers. I put my neck on the line when I did it. I crossed every line I had drawn for myself. There were many.

So Still! This may fade. Feelings are fickle. I don’t trust them. My faith is not in my feelings.

But this feeling sure feels good… this moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shm5fUjhwik