My life has been completely ripped inside out over the last year. It's difficult to comprehend just how much I have changed. I don't like who I've become and the things I have to deal with every day. I used to feel proud of myself and appreciate myself. Nowadays, I just... hate what I see in my reflection. I hate what others see in me. I don't know how it happened to end up the way that it has, but I don't know how to change it either. Is it just one of those times in my life where nothing will make me smile? Perhaps. Perhaps it is just meant to be rough right now. One day soon, I hope, that will change. I am tired of keeping my head down and trudging through all the bullshit. It is... not fun. After a while, you wear down... and sometimes you can't even get back on your feet you're so tired. I'm so tired, I can't get back on my feet...
 

I have been trying so hard to connect to others that I've been tolerating bad qualities in others and changing myself in the process. Being kind to ignorant lazy mother fucking people is not me. And yet I do it because I feel like I'm the one that is wrong and flawed. Tonight I realized that it's not me. it's everyone else. I'm done blaming myself. If you don't have the smarts to make it through the day, then I'm done with you.

Lillith White

You never know where life is going to take you; or what it is going to throw your way for that matter. It is an interesting concept to live. What constitutes living? Does breathing and eating, having a system of organs and nerves and muscles and tissue mean you live? Or does living mean taking the most out of each experience and welcoming hardships with open arms?

It is a funny thing. I looked up the definition for life in the Webster's dictionary. There were so many definitions under that word, I was boggled. I knew each definition but there was one thing that I did not expect to be there as a definition of life. God. God constitutes life.

I am no fan of Christianity these days. I believe in the basic principles of what is taught as much as I believe in the ten commandments. Unfortunately, there is such ignorance in religion. It has become a business, this so called religion. I find far too many individuals twist the words of the bible around and warp it to manipulate others or to spread hatred. Religion encourages hate? Christianity or God in particular, encourages hatred of your own kind?

I have a friend who once was a bit more open minded. More receptive to new ideas. Now, the only words that ever come out of her mouth seem to be words from the good Lord and such. The good Lord will bring me happiness if I accept him. And because I do not attend church every day to listen to an old man tell me what he perceives to be the true meaning behind the bible's stories... because I do not accept this old man's translation of the word of God. Because I believe something different.

I will be miserable because of my Jewish heritage. I was learning Hebrew instead of the stories about Jesus Christ, I was destined to be punished for all eternity. I am destined for Hell, some say. My friend says. I am damned because my best friend is a lesbian. I am doomed to suffer emotionally and be crippled physically by ailments because I do not have the good Lord on my side. And because the good Lord is not watching over me, the demons are eating away at me. Swallowing me whole, she says.

Well, if that's what her faith is all about, then I would rather serve my eternity in Hell.

But what she is unaware of is that I have read the bible. And last time I checked, no one can pass judgment on me except for God, him or herself. Where this hatred and judgment upon me and others because of their sexuality, heritage, responsibility... I am sorry. But I highly doubt that any higher being would give two shits about my attendance record at some man made building that is said to be holy and a place for worship? I worship no man. I worship no woman. And no higher power.

However, I do respect what I do not understand. I respect what ever it is that this life is. I am not afraid about making a mistake in this world that will deny my entrance into the next. It is not like school. It is not like failing your finals and not being accepted into a university, you fucking idiot.

I have a problem with ignorance and I really have a problem with people who hide behind their religion and claim their cruel actions are all done in the name of God. Such ignorance. Since when have any of them been visited by God, him or herself, and told to do such atrocious things? To make such claims is an insult to the faith. I am no believer of yours.

Perhaps in the next world, this ignorance will be washed away by truth. Perhaps in the next world, I won't be so disgusted to have once thought you to be a friend, Sabrina. Enjoy your happiness and fare well.
 

I know I haven't written in a while... I don't know why. I guess because there's been so much going on. I don't really want to get into details right now. The only important thing to announce is that I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I just started Lyrica yesterday so hopefully it's all I need to battle the symptoms associated with FMS.
 

I got into an argument with one of my father's friends last night at dinner. We were bickering about how you install fixtures and the safety procedures you do first to make sure you don't light up like a firecracker in the process. I was intent on winning the argument. Manny got so frustrated with me and the argument that he just blurted out "Dammit, Kim! You're just as much of a stuborn ass as your father!"

I immediately replied "Duh! I'm the same package just in a better-looking wrapper! Otherwise you fools wouldn't really be interested in hanging out with me."

Everyone started cracking up, including my father. It was the first time he didn't debate the fact. He swears I'm more like my grandmother than anyone else. So it was an interesting experience.

Nonetheless, I'm still working. Pushing through all the hell. Hopefully I'll come out on the other side just fine.
 

Every single day, I come back to this place that was once considered just a job. In a matter of a month and a half, I managed to make my life revolve around this place. It seems to slowly turn into my world. I hate answering the phones and dealing with people who are just so vicious and rude. Hearing the types of things that come out of their mouths alone assaults my ears. It makes me wish I could go deaf at will. I can't hit the hang up button fast enough on most people. And the ones who aren't nasty or facetious are just down right idiotic. They don't even understand the subject matter after you spell it out to them.

And the home life is just as bad as ever. Sometimes I wonder how it is that I manage to be so selfless to these people. I wonder how it's even possible for myself to love this people when I've come to dislike them and sometimes even loathe them. No matter what I do though, I just can't escape them or their needs, their emergencies, their wants, their little errand requests... something always interrupts me from getting my life started because of their own lives... if that makes any sense? Then I realize that... this is what my life has become. Me being the invisible little helper that goes unacknowledged and unappreciated until the ten minutes that I'm spending on myself. Then the whole damn world comes tumbling down it seems.

I'm so tired of the hatred people have in themselves... and they way they always manage to direct it toward me. It's at work, at home, from friends, on the phone, off the phone... I can't even go to a gas station these days without someone starting to talk to me, practically spitting in my face, because I'm taking a little too long to pump my gas? I'm sorry, maybe you should go spit on the fucking machine since I can only go as fast as it's willing to let me. The stupidity behind most of the rage is what really burns me up. If there was a way for me to understand or accept a reason for people getting so furious, it wouldn't bother me as much. But when I sit here, doing what I do, day in and day out, and can still manage to put on a fucking smile and say my pleases and thank yous to everyone regardless of my mood, I don't see any reason for them not to be able to do the same to me.

And the relationship department? God, don't even get me started on that. It's a whole fucking mess. Somehow though, I manage to get guilt tripped into a relationship. Like how does that work? I feel so guilty but at the same time I honestly don't have it in me to devote myself to another fucking person right now. I'm split in five hundred ways trying to keep everyone else, including myself, satisfied. Why would I want to take on another person? Particularly a person with extreme jealousy, paranoia and needy issues. Always gotta be about him, him him him. He has to be number one in my life. Well, I'm sorry honey, but it'll take fucking years to make yourself number one in my life. Take a number and have a seat.

Lillith White

So much for being friends with people on this site. I love how they get all buddy buddy with you on here and as soon as you're of no use to them anymore they drop you. I know that's how it is in real life too, but it definitely pisses me off when people treat me the same way on this website. Especially on this website. This is supposed to be a decent community. Not full of douchebags like a certain over sensitive PRICK on here.
 

Yes, it's just a little e-zine that costs money. I don't get paid unless I make lead story, I don't even get a free copy of the magazine. So.... yeah, it's not great. But I'm getting published so that is always good.

www.darkproductions.com if you feel like checking out the site. Buy a copy of 4.1 edition in later weeks to come!
 

I just want a man who is going to love me and make me laugh all the time. Someone who will hold me close and keep me safe when I can't keep myself safe.
 

I have spent so much time planning for the future and planning out who I am going to be when I grow up that I haven't stopped to realize I'm already grown up. I need to stop thinking about the possibilities and start thinking about the present time. It wasn't until this moment that I've fully realized what people mean when they say "live in the now." I used to be so confused by that saying because I would always ask them why it was wrong to aspire. I used to think they were fools for not preparing for the future. But now I see that you need to live in the now. If you don't, you cannot fully appreciate what you will have in the future. It's great to make plans, but you need to give yourself a reason to have those plans.

And now, I'm just going to be me. I'm going to stop trying to plan. Stop preparing and just enjoy it. I need to appreciate school because I am learning new things; not appreciate it because it will take me where I want to go in the future. Stop worrying about what people will think of me if I dress this way, or get tattooed up; start worrying about what I will think of myself if I don't look the way I want. It's about me and no one else because everyone else are visitors in this life of mine. I'm the only one that will stay no matter what. If I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, well... Frankly, it doesn't matter what everyone else sees then, now does it?

I need to be proud of who I am and stop being so insecure about things. I need to stop being afraid and just take that jump. I think that is why I was so happy when I was at Fort Jackson. No one was there to hold me back except for myself and I took that leap. I closed my eyes, held my breath and just did it. And afterward, I would just open my eyes and feel... I'd feel free, exhilarated and open to so many different possibilities. Once you start putting limits on yourself, you just begin to feel trapped and incapable of doing things.

So from now on... It's just me, baby. And if you can't take that, then keep on walking.